Lured and caught...Again.

I am not good with mornings.

It takes me a while to get adjusted.
To focus.
To calm.
To breathe.
To begin again.

A daily struggle to get out of bed.

For many reasons.

I lure myself out with visions of my son's face. The feeling of my husband's arms wrapped around me.

Last night I went to bed feeling really sad and guilty.
For many reasons.

This morning I woke up happy from dreams of a future I wish to have....

Such a rarity, good dreams...
(I never trust the nice ones)


But I am feeling good today, so rare or not, I'll take it!

Until I see the blood.

 I am kicked in the gut.


I know that we can't have another baby right now.
That's why I take Birth Control....you know, for that whole "controlled" part.


So why am I crying over a run-of-the-mill period?

For Many Reasons.






--Guys, if you didn't check out yesterday's post? Please Do!!!
Send this poor family some love, and donate if you can!
Thanks.

I just checked on my son...

Asleep. So sweet and innocent.

I love him. To the point where it's often hard to breathe- because the sheer enormity of the love I have for him feels like it might overwhelm me...

He is what I have dreamed of.

He is what I have lost...
and found again.

Tomorrow is his first birthday party. His actual birthday is Thursday.

I can't believe we've already come to the year-mark.

It feels like yesterday-yet, since the beginning of time?

It's been quite the journey....

Tonight as I brushed his hair from his forehead, I was reminded of this:

For my Child-Whom I shall never meet.

Breathe.

Watching you sleep puts the world
In perspective

There is peace
(however fleeting)

Cynicism has no place
Where you dream

I will lie beside you
And find
myself.

(December 17th 2003)



It is strangely just as true now as I wanted it to be then.
Which is oddly comforting.







Goodnight, my Darlings.