What's good, what's bad and what could be...

I kept waiting to write this post until I had all the answers and certainties that I needed to be clear/concise/informational...

Then I realized if I didn't get it all off my chest, I might explode.

I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but Pregnancy and I were just not meant to be BFFs.

This truly saddens me to my core.

(PS, Before anyone freaks out, I am STILL pregnant.)

If you need to catch up, go here
I'll wait, no big....
.....
......
..........

Okay, so now that we're all up on the haps, here we go!


As of today, I've made it to 12 weeks.
I had a 2nd ultrasound last week and the baby is Healthy and Busy!


This is the good.

The bad is this-

I finally got some answers on the dodgy pap situation....

Little PSA for a sec, ladies?


Get your Paps regularly!!!
It's so freaking important.
Last year?
My Pap was a clean a whistle.
This year?
Not so much.
Anything can change in a year, you never know. Stay on top of it and get checked!




I found out that I have severe precancerous cells in my cervix.
The technical term is High Grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions (HGSIL).

Sounds comforting, right?


As it has been explained to me by my OBGYN--These cells will turn into cancer (if they haven't already) if not removed.

Typically, they would just go in and surgically remove the cells immediately without any real issue....

but the procedure can't be performed on a pregnant woman without killing the baby.

Swell.

Since I can't even be biopsied without jeopardizing the baby's health, my OBGYN will be doing a  a colposcopy to determine how invasive the cells are--which will decide whether or not I can wait to deliver the baby and then be treated.

My colposcopy is scheduled for this Thursday.  My OBGYN has said that his plan is to wait to treat me until after the birth, unless the results show that the HGSIL has crossed over into cancer territory.

Then we have to make some "decisions."
Read: Terminate the pregnancy

{Further recommended treatment btw? A hysterectomy. Yep.}


I've already have many friends tell me stories of how someone they knew went through the exact same thing, and everything was just fine, but I can't help but be well, terrified.


I watched my mother go through this a t 34.  And it wasn't fine. Not at all.

I'm really afraid that it won't be fine. 
That as usual, I'll defy statistics and it will be bad...


All I really care about at this point is delivering my child safely and healthily.
If that means I have to forsake my reproductive system, than so be it.

Do I want to be wombless a nd menopausal at 31? 
Can't say that I do...
But I would rather be that then have to abort my child.


Cause, guys?
As much as everyone has been trying to dance around it with me?


That's my child in there.
With fingers and toes, and a face.
I've seen the baby move.


If the worst news comes my way and it is actual cancer and not just starter-cancer, and I can do it without killing myself, I will ride the pregnancy out for as long as I possibly can to give my child a chance to live.

I believe strongly in that.


If it means more aggressive treatment for me after the baby is born, than that will be what I have to do.


Because the other option is a death sentence.

Maybe not for me, but one all the same.

People conveniently leave that out a lot.


And to make the choice  to "Save Myself" would feel like the worst thing I'd ever done.

Sigh.

But it's going to be fine, right?




Holy fuck, I hope so.

Trying to squeeze some happiness outta this ordeal

I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


YES!
 

Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?

Yeeeeah.

I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)


Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

Well.
There's that...

There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365

Ahem.

However--

I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....

Nope!

Also?

We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.

3 Isn't Always a Magic Number.

As soon as I heard my OB's tone, I knew it wasn't good news.

I think I hit the floor before I finished hanging up the call.

It was 3:15 in the afternoon on a Monday and someone was telling me that I would lose my baby.

It just didn't seem fair.
But life is not fair.
Life just is.

I had tried to steel myself for bad news, because as soon as I had  started spotting, I KNEW.
I didn't want to believe it, but I knew.
This was not my first time at the rodeo...

Everyone sent me such encouraging anecdotes and shared personal stories of spotting while pregnant that I wrapped myself up in them and prayed that they would be enough to stop what I felt coming.

I pictured what it would be like to have another child in the house.
What O would be like as a big brother.
The 4 of us as a family.

It was too early to get so excited, to plan, but I guess I hoped that might keep the bad at bay...

But as these things do, it came anyway.
And I shut down.

I crawled into bed and didn't get out for over a week.
Didn't answer my phone, or check my email.
I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.

I just laid in bed.
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring at the walls.

I felt completely empty.

I kept trying to get angry, so that at least I could feel something other than the overwhelmingly sad emptiness, but there wasn't anything/anyone to be angry with.

It wasn't my fault, or anyone elses'.
I could get angry at G-d, but even that seemed useless.
As I'm not even sure there  is a G-d, it seemed silly to direct anger that way.

Besides, if there is one, and I actually hope there is, I doubt he gets his jollies from ripping children away from my womb....

Just a theory.

I think this miscarriage was harder than the other two because I have O.
You would think that having a child would soften the blow, but for me, that made it all the more intense...

Because I know what it's like now.
To feel that child grow to full-term.
To birth that child.
To hold him.
To watch him grow.

I didn't have the knowledge/gift of that the first two times.
Now I do.

So the hurt is deeper.
Because I could see the life of this child unfold in my mind's eye.
I could feel her tiny little hands in mine.
(in all my dreams, the baby was always a girl)

Instead, she is gone...or to some, never was.


Eventually the sorrow gave way to guilt.
Guilt for being a bad wife.
Guilt for being a neglectful mother.
Guilt for being a selfish woman.

My husband had lost something too, yet I couldn't move to comfort him.
My son needed his mommy, but after a couple hours with him, I had to retreat back to my tears.
There are women out there who've yet to conceive, those who've had stillbirths, who've buried their infants--

Who am I to wallow in pain?
I should be grateful, right?

I am, and I'm not, I suppose....

I am eternally gratefully for my son.
But I want another child, desperately.

My husband has told me every day since we lost:
We will try again, We will have another baby.
Will we? Can we? I hope so. I have to hope.

I keep hanging on to that.
But I keep asking myself:

Is it wrong? Shouldn't I just be grateful to have one? Shouldn't one be enough?

Sigh.

At this moment, it's not.

I am grieving for the loss of not just this child, but of the others before it.
3 children I will never get to hold.

I cling to the fact that I am blessed to be a part of a little family of 3...
but still I'm yearning to become 4.





Thank you to all of you who called/texted/messaged/tweeted me, and even went the extra step and called the Huz.  You guys are so genuinely lovely and compassionate. I am so appreciative and lucky to have each of you. Your words of love, understanding and encouragement helped me to feel less alone.


Thank you to my husband who knew I needed to retreat for awhile and never made me feel bad for it. Thank you for holding me up and keeping me out of complete darkness. You are such a good man/father, and I am lucky to have you.


Thank you to my in-laws, who are like true parents to me.



As for the days ahead, I have no idea....
Some days I feel good, and other days I want to crawl back into my hole.

There has been an issue this entire time with my hormone levels rising rather than dropping, so I keep having to go into my OB's office for blood draws every couple of days to monitor the situation.

He's really trying to avoid doing a D and C, which I agree with, but walking into his office is torture. It digs at the wound a little bit more each time.

The bleeding doesn't help either. Each trip to the restroom is another glaring reminder of what ISN'T.

My levels have finally started going down, so hopefully today was the last blood draw. If the results come back not at zero, they'll schedule the D and C.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my focus on getting back on track with just day-to day life.

Which has mostly involved a lot of cleaning and laundry, and oddly, paperwork.
(That and the 2 hrs it took to go through my 3 email inboxes...)

My husband is a beautifully loving and compassionate man...

But he is a shit housekeeper.
Piles of laundry, trash, toys, mail, bills, Oh, MY.

It was a HOT MESS up in our living space.

I don't know how things can get so out of control in 2 weeks, but they can....let me tell you, they CAN.

Normally, I would have been majorly pissed, but it gave me something to do, you know?

Thankfully for his sake and my sanity, things are finally back to normal, and clean.

Although, I can still feel that empty space that grows a tiny bit bigger each time...
That piece of silent space that will stay with me always.
...and never fails to hurt whenever I stumble into it.

Summer, 1987

24 was a big year for me.
It was the year I graduated from college.
It was the year I met my husband.
It was the year I started to realize I deserved to have a life.
A big year.
Scary and wonderful and pivotal.
A year I will always remember.

But I am reminded of a different year today...


I remember breaking into hives because they told me it was a boy.

I wanted a girl.

I remember the day you were born.

How loudly you screamed at the world.

I remember waking up early just to stare at your beautiful face.

I’d never seen something so gorgeous.

I remember being the only one who could get you to eat.

The loud giggles over Itsy Bitsy Spider

I remember you crying every time I left.

My heart breaking a little each time.

I remember your first day of school.

So scared of your giantess of a teacher.

I remember taking you to buy a dress for your first dance

The one you wanted was NOT appropriate.

I remember doing your make up for prom.

You looked like magic.

I remember the moment I realized that there wasn’t any more I could do.

It killed me, but you were going to do whatever you wanted. You always have.

I remember our last real conversation and how ugly it was.

You refused to hear me.

I remember knowing that I had to step back for my own sake and that of my family’s.

I know you hate me for it.

I remember almost every moment of your (and our brother’s) young life.

I remember from the moment you entered this world, realizing that I would love you forever with an intensity I wouldn’t know I again until I birthed my son.

I know that we don’t have a relationship, but I think about you every day.

You think that I judge you, that I feel superior to you.

What you don’t understand is that all I have ever wanted is to protect you.

From family history.

From habitual mistakes.

From the underbelly of dangerous choices.

I just wanted to see you safe and happy.

Not tethered by the learned mistakes of your parents.

I hope as you cultivate your life, you will cultivate an understanding of me, of my love.
I am not perfect, and I have made mistakes, but never doubt my love for you.

You were my first baby.

You’re an adult now, but you will always be that little girl who crawled into bed with me every night.

I love you with all my heart.

So much more than a sister’s love-I love you and our brother as I love my own son.

 I always have and I always will.

But I cannot be the parent I tried so hard to be for you.

I was never going to be able to fill that role, as it was not mine to fill.

I can send you love, and wish you well.

Even if you can't hear me.

I love you, beautiful girl.....

Happy Birthday, Baby.

I hope that 24 is a year that you will never forget, for all the right reasons.

I cannot fathom. I do not want to.

How do you get back up, after losing a child?
How do you re-enter life?

I have lost before, and it was crushing.  It has lingered and stayed with me.

But this?*

{She is gone from this world, now.
Her parents but her to bed last night, singing lullabies and giving kisses they knew would be their last.}


I cannot comprehend.


I am sobbing for that family.   
Heartbroken.
For her parents.
For a life cut so short.
For my own fears and worst nightmares, that came true for someone else.

How will they survive this?

I don't think I could.


Peace and Joy for you, Sweet Girl. I hope that is what you have found.
Love and Comfort and Strength, to all who knew her, loved her.  I hope that is what you have.

My thoughts, my love--with you all.












*I got to know Maddie's story through a good friend of mine.  She is good friends with the parents.  I wish I could hug her AND them today.

This 3 Hour Tour is running longer than I thought...

I first met my husband on his 24th ( NOT 25 as previously written. I ALWAYS think we were 25...) birthday, in the Spring of 2005--

Didn't like him very much.

My friend had dragged my to this karaoke bar to because she wanted to say hi to a friend of hers who was celebrating his birthday.

I did not know this friend.
I did not want to go out.
I did not look cute.
I was over bars.

But, she was not the kind of friend who heard the word "no".
So she showed up at my apartment and dragged me out anyway.

I meet this guy.
I am not impressed.
He insults my righteously awesome Cats (as in the Musical) tee shirt.
And? He wear khakis.
Really? Khakis?
I do not DO khakis, folks.


But I keep running into this guy...he's cute, but sorta obnoxious. I can tell it's because he's kinda nervously awkward, and just wants to be funny, which is kinda charming, but there's a lot of bullshit in his presentation and I'm not sold.

Besides, he has no tattoos.
I love tattoos.

And? In addition to khakis?
He wears sweater vests.
Sweater vests? HONESTLY?
Prep-tastic. I don't DO preppy.


By Summer-
We're sorta buddies.  There's a little flirting, like the kind between all men and women in a social setting, but it's not with intent-We are not each other's type and I'm not sure I'm over the guy I had been dating previously.

[I should be, because he's a asshat who keeps flipping between me and this other chick (who he eventually married), but I'm being all wifflewaffle-girly about it....]

But also?
I keep hearing a lot of shit about Kaptain Khakis:
This girl, and that girl, and THAT girl and so on....

I'm not so much for manwhoring, but at the same time?
We're all adults.  If he's sleeping with several women, that's his business.
I'm not his girlfriend, so what's it to me?

But it does kinda bother me.
Casual sex?
I don't DO Casual.

It's now late August-
Hanging out at the Karaoke bar I was once dragged to, but now frequent...
He  and I are sitting at a table, talking. Drinking. Laughing.
All of the sudden, the bar is closing. How did that happen?

My friend, who I came with, wants to go somewhere else.
But I want to go home.
He offers to drive me home.
I don't take rides from men.
But, for whatever reason, I agree...

We sat in front of my apartment talking for a long time.
I like him.  He's funny and sweet.
Best of all? He's intelligent.
All bravado is gone and it's just him.

He asks to come in and use the bathroom.
It's late.
I do not invite men in.
But, for whatever reason, I agree...

(my roommates were home, and they would have killed him if need be)

He's saying goodbye.
Promising repeats of tonight.
Maybe we're actually friends now...
Weird.

All of the sudden, he is kissing me.
I was not prepared.
He is all khaki'd and casual.
I am soooo NOT.

But he ends up staying the night anyway.
 Shit.
[Found out? Has Tattoos.]

I am mortified.

I am NOT that kinda lady.

But there are some things you can't undo....

I convince myself that maybe I SHOULD be all Casual.

I can be casual. Psssht. 

So we agree to start seeing each other.  Casually.
I am all over this, because I am SO over being the devoted girlfriend who gets shat upon.


Easy, breezy! That's me.

Except it's not.
I get attached.  I care. It's hard for me to let people in, so when I do?
It ain't fucking casual.

 By late October, I break it off.
You know, before it gets complicated....ahem.
I tell him that casual doesn't work for me.
He's all hurt/pissy about it, but not enough to get serious.
Fine.
I'm out.
We can still be friends....


We're not. 
He avoids me.
I stay out of his way.
He eventually confronts me.
But nothing changes.
He doesn't want serious.
No problem.
Friends it is!
But not really.

New Year's Eve comes and we end up at the same party. Great.

There is partying and drunkeness and making out.
With his friend.
This was not purposeful. He was my friend too. He made me laugh.
It was New Years Eve.
So we made out.
Happy New Year!!!

[Spoiler Alert! That friend? Was a groomsman at our wedding.  We adore him.  He still makes me laugh, but there is no more making out.  That would be frowned upon.  We rarely see him, and that's a bummer.]

The next day?

When he showed up at my apartment, wanting to know what the HELL was going on between me and  ___________?

I was a tad surprised.  By a tad? I mean quite.

Where's your khaki'd casualness NOW, sir?

There was nothing casual about the ensuing conversation....
Even so, I did not believe him.
I sent him away.  I did not trust his intentions.
But he was persistent.
And we ended up a couple.

We were in love.  Intensely.  It was kinda gross.
We start talking about futures.
Walks of the aisle sort.
We shared a closet and a medicine cabinet and a bed.
We shared everything.
We felt like home.


For almost year, it was perfect.

It was a holiday weekend.
I desperately needed the time to relax.
My family was going through a clusterfuck of out-of-CONTROL problems that I apparently was supposed to fix, my professional life was going up in flames, as I was being denied the rights to my own work, I was broke, oh, right...I was pregnant.

I hadn't told him yet.
I was waiting for the weekend....

There was a fight.
He was picking it on purpose, I could see.
But I didn't want to fight....not on this, of all weekends.
But he kept pushing.

Then there was packing of stuff.
I didn't understand.
He didn't either, I could tell.
Then there was apologies and driving away.
I was devastated.
I never told him about the secret I was carrying...

I'm just not that kinda lady.

I miscarried the next week.
I was heartbroken on all levels.
There were no clear explanations, no resolutions.
Just confusion and hurt.
That turned to anger and resentment on both sides.
We decided to close the door, and never look back.
(as best we could)

For almost year, it was over.

He was dating someone else.
I was moving far away. 
We were moving on.
Starting over.
We were never going to be a permanent Us.

Then the phone rang. 
He wants to talk.
I do not want to listen.
He keeps calling.
I am not willing.
I am afraid of being open.....


He comes over.
He explains.  Explanations that might be too late. 
There is crying.  His tears and mine.
He gets on his knee.
Asks the question.

I send him away.
He doesn't know what he's asking.
This is dangerous and I am terrified.
He is humble. But, adamant.  Resolute.
He will not give up.
For many reasons, I say Yes.

There is a walk...of the aisle sort.
Oaths made. 
Rings exchanged.
Hardships endured. 
Hurts forgiven.
Promises kept.


A lot has happened to us and for us since then.
We are not the same people who met at a bar.
Or walked down the aisle.
We do not have the same love as we did then.


It is even deeper.


Today is our 3-year wedding anniversary.


I feel like it's been 10 years...
(I said that to my husband this morning and he threw something at me...)

 I don't mean that in a a negative-shackles/chainy kinda way, I just mean:


It feels like we've always been together.


 That togetherness has not always been easy.  Or so much together, as you have read.

But looking at the life we are building and the son we are raising? 


I know it's right.
  


I love you, Querido.
Thank you for choosing us over anything else every day.
I hope we make that same choice forever. 

TOP Week 1: Husbandface.

 My first note for Thankful on Paper was to my Husband. Why? 'Cos he's pretty frikken amazing.

If you read his guest post, or the  word "SexBee" has any meaning for you, then you probably know what I mean.

When we met in early 2005, we were both a mess. 

A jaded, scarred, and suspicious lot.

 There are times I am still dumbfounded that we managed to make it this far, but we had an unexplainable (if I'm honest-Strange) bond. 

No matter what happened, or how hard we tried to ignore it--it couldn't be shaken off.

Thank goodness we both had the sense to recognize how rare that is...  

It wasn't until we got married that I realized that I had never experienced unconditional love in action before. I had known only love that came with strings and caveats. He has shown me the life-changing difference between the two, and I am continually astounded at the gift that THAT is...

I am an all-or-nothing kind of creature. Survive or be killed, that's me.

He has a bit of a sunnier disposition....a bit more dramatic too, but whatever...(teasing. sorta.)

He keeps me balanced and from despairing in Humanity, a lot...

(You'd be surprised at how handy that can be!)

He is my best friend, and my Life Buddy. He is my Heart.

I am so Thankful he is mine.

He has patience when I do not.

He finds optimism when I can't.

He forgives me when I won't forgive myself.

I am so Thankful that he is mine.

My husband is not a Perfect man, any more than I am am a Perfect woman, but he has made me feel like I am perfection in his eyes. After so many years of being told that I was nothing, and worth even less, I can't even express how that has saved me.

I am so Thankful that he is mine.

I am so Thankful I am his.

(I love you, Querido.)

PS> It's not too LATE! Get your THANK on!

365 Days of Sunshine.

My little O is one today! He has been on this earth for an ENTIRE year.

How did this happen?! I was warned about the speed at which his babyhood would pass me by, and even so- It takes my breath away...



My Darling Bubu,

Happy Birthday, Love! You don't know what birthdays are yet, but you will!
And you're gonna loooove them!
A birthday is the day that your family and friends celebrate the day that you were born-showering you with joy because of the happiness your birth has brought them. Plus? There's always cake and ice cream....

The day you were born was the most amazing day of my life. It was what I had been waiting for-for a very long time. MORE than worth the wait!! You are the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen, but more than that, you have a beautiful heart. I know that you will grow up to be a good man. You always make me proud. You've given me a peace and a joy that I never thought was possible. You make me laugh every single day, and I am sooooooo lucky to be your Mommy.

I promise to do my best to be worthy of this honor. We may not always agree or see eye-to-eye. There are times where we will be angry at each other, or make one another sad, even though we didn't mean to...whatever happens, know that I love you. I will always do everything in my power to make you feel safe, secure, happy and loved. My love is, and always will be, unconditional. Nothing you can ever do will make me love you less. I promise to listen, to share, to hear you. I will make mistakes, (but you'll learn that we all do) and I will strive to learn from those mistakes so I can be an even better Mommy.

You are never a burden or obligation, you are a gift. You are my 365 days of Sunshine. I can't ever thank you enough.

Happy First Birthday, Sweetpea! You have so many to come, and I'm so excited to see the fantastic person you will be with each passing one. I love you with all the love in the WORLD.

Kisses,

Mommy

One Day...

One YEAR!

I just checked on my son...

Asleep. So sweet and innocent.

I love him. To the point where it's often hard to breathe- because the sheer enormity of the love I have for him feels like it might overwhelm me...

He is what I have dreamed of.

He is what I have lost...
and found again.

Tomorrow is his first birthday party. His actual birthday is Thursday.

I can't believe we've already come to the year-mark.

It feels like yesterday-yet, since the beginning of time?

It's been quite the journey....

Tonight as I brushed his hair from his forehead, I was reminded of this:

For my Child-Whom I shall never meet.

Breathe.

Watching you sleep puts the world
In perspective

There is peace
(however fleeting)

Cynicism has no place
Where you dream

I will lie beside you
And find
myself.

(December 17th 2003)



It is strangely just as true now as I wanted it to be then.
Which is oddly comforting.







Goodnight, my Darlings.

You kinda never forget.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

So many people in my life have lost a child(ren), through miscarriage, SIDS, and stillbirth, and it's so important to remember those losses and honor those children.

I know that it's not a comfortable subject for a lot of people, but it's a real one that families (especially the mothers) deal with every day.

No matter what others may believe, no matter how early (or late) the loss was, to the mother, he/she was a baby.  

Their baby.

But because the people in their lives often want them to move on and (with the best intentions) forget, it is a pain that gets bottled up for fear of upsetting others.

If you know someone who has suffered this loss, send them some love.

If you've lost, my heart is with you.


My first child would have been born on March 9th, 2004
We said good bye at 12 weeks.

My second child would have been born on April 16th, 2007
We said good bye at 6 weeks.

They would have been six and a half and three and a half.

I never really got to know them, but I love and still miss them.

Every day.

Sometimes it's fleeting, and sometimes it's overwhelming.


My son has served as both a salve and a reminder.

A beautiful thing.

He cannot replace the children I lost (yet he fills my heart with so much joy and gratitude for his gorgeous little face), but he can remind me to never forget the miracles that they were.



In remembrance of those that have lost, please light a candle tonight at 7pm.

For my Hubbadens. (He never checks his email, but checks my blog)

Dear Husband,

I know today was a really hard day.
I know your job is sucking out your soul.
I know that living with your parents has been a major blow to well, everything.
I know that you can't sleep at night because you worry about how we're ever going to make it.
I know you feel like we're stuck in a hole, always a dollar short.
I know that you dream of a house (hell, an apartment), a new car, a dog, another baby.
I know that you desperately need things to change.
I know you just want to provide.

I hope that you also know how grateful I am to have you as a husband. You take amazing care of me and of your son.

Even though it feels like all of your effort is for naught, remember, it's that effort that keeps our little family afloat. Every day that you get-up-and-do-it-all over-again is one more step closer to where we want to be. Yes, it's going much slower than we anticipated, but we are getting there, I promise!

I realize that can be hard to see as we agonize over every dime, sigh in defeat as we run the numbers AGAIN, only to see that it STILL isn't feasible to move out, and wrack ourselves with guilt any time we spend money on something that isn't "necessary".

Even with that being said, we have made progress, and by trudging through shit everyday, you were at the forefront of that happening.

The past few years have thoroughly kicked our asses, and that blows, but like I said in your b-day card yesterday: Your pre-thirties are going to be BAD ASS. :)


I'm so proud of you. I love you very, very much.

Always,

Wife

The Moonbeams of (Pending) Motherhood...

So I've decided that this entry should be a more optimistic one than my most recent posts.

That instead of scaring the bejeezus out of my childless friends, I should talk about all the warm and fuzzies of being pregnant...and comfort them in their potential futures...

Now, you may be thinking to yourself:

"But doesn't that go EXACTLY against what you were just railing on about in your last blog?"

Maybe, but I'm not going to lie about any of the hearts and flowers, so not really.

Let's get started!

"Things that are Awesome About Being Pregnant": or, "Why Stretchmarks on Your Lovehandles Really ARE Worth it!"*


(*This list is based on my personal experiences, and may not be the same for all people)


1. Someone loves you enough to create a human being with you. Loving someone so much that you want to create a life with him/her, is so beautiful, it's beyond words.

2. You as a woman, are a superbeing. CMON, you're growing AND HOUSING a child in your belly! How Pimp is that? Men would never survive, I'm convinced.

3. Gaining weight is encouraged. (Within a reasonable limit, of course.) I don't think I've been encouraged to GAIN weight since March of '81...it's very freeing.

4. Eating has never been so wonderful. Once you get past the vomiting stage, food becomes your BFF. Seriously. There's not much that makes me happier than food these days. The best part? Your loved ones/spouse will give you WHATEVER you want! Donut a 2pm? Okay! Tacos at 2am? We'll find a way!

5. The amount of love and adoration you feel for your child really does make everything else manageable. It's the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life.

6. Feeling the baby move and grow. It's indescribable. Sure, it comes with its issues, but that doesn't matter. IT IS SO FREAKING COOL. This tiny little person is in there, making his presence known INSIDE YOUR BELLY.

7. Growing as a person. Learning that you are going to be a parent forces you to really get your shit together. To let go of things you've been hanging on to, that in the grand scheme of your life-DOESN'T matter. It forces you to see the good things in yourself, and to clean up the not-so-stellar things.

8. Looking forward to the future. I spend a ton of time daydreaming about what my son will look/sound/be like. I think about all the things that I want to show him, the places I want to take him, the life I want to give him. Will it all be perfect and exactly as I envision it? NO. But, I know that as long as he feels loved, wanted and accepted, with a solid sense of self- he will have a great life. This means that my greatest job in life is to love a child, and my most triumphant success will be him coming through life knowing that he is loved and valuable. Nothing on Earth could be better than that. It makes everything that I "thought" were measures of success, and constantly beat myself up for not having, look ridiculous in comparison.
Does this mean that I will stop stressing about money or financial stability? Not even close....but I have stopped seeing that as the only thing that solidifies my worthiness in the world.

I am bringing a life into this world, damnit. I'm kinda a big deal.

And that, my friends, is just a brief shine on "Pregnancy-It's So Nifty": or, "Why I Didn't SOB When I Discovered the Stretchmarks Crawling up my Lovehandles Yesterday"

A bunch of a lotta things. And then more.

Note: I started this blog yesterday

I try to keep these posts as cohesive as possible, so that I don't ramble like a lunatic, but there's a ton of thoughts and emotions swimming around in the ol' noodle today, So we'll see what happens...

Maybe I'll break this up into two posts. I'm not sure if I can tie everything together.

Anyway-

Life is so freaking unpredictable, fragile, unknown, what-have-you.

I sit here 7 months pregnant, so in love with my son it HURTS.

8 months ago, I was seriously trying to wrap my head around not having children entirely.

Craziness.

A girl I know (I guess I shouldn't say girl, she is only 4 or 5 years younger than me), just found out that she is pregnant, and has elected to have an abortion. This just absolutely breaks my heart. As liberal as I am, I do not believe in abortion. I don't support banning it either. Politically, that is all I will say.

This is personal to me, and my heart, but do I have the right to say what choices other women should make? No, probably not. That doesn't meant that I don't wish that they would make different ones.

This is technically my third pregnancy. The first one was as the result of a sexual assault. While a lot of people would have totally understood if I decided not to keep it, that was never an option for me. Unfortunately, at a little past 3 months, I miscarried. I was devastated. Years later, it still hurts. The next one, was mercifully lost early rather than later, at about 6-7 weeks, but again, I mourn for that child as well.

Even though they were not even close to term, to me, they were already mine.

There are those who make the distinction between an "embryo" and a "fetus".

I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but for me, there is no such line.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time, it was my baby, my child.

I cannot fathom letting any one of them go willfully. Everyday that my that my son grows, the more I am reminded of what I lost, what could have been, and how awe-inspiring this whole process is....

{It was at this point that I had to stop writing last night, because I just LOST IT}

Today:


She's scheduled to have the abortion today. My heart is just sick. I'm not judging her, I just feel so sorry for her. Disappointed that she feels like this is her only or best option.

It's terrifying, being pregnant and alone. There is the instinct to want to make it all go away, but it doesn't. Having never had an abortion, I can't really say that with any absolute authority, but every woman I know that has had one (and sadly, I've known several)has regretted it, and spent the rest of their lives being haunted by it.

I still carry a lot of guilt for the miscarriages, so I can't imagine what it's like to be on that other side.

I hope she changes her mind. Perhaps that is selfishness on my part, but I just can't help but think of all of the people in my life who a desperately trying to have children, and how many more families out there who are trying to adopt, and it just seems so needless.

But life is never simple is it?

She will do what she feels is the right thing, and it's not my call.

And I better just end it here. I'm getting all weepy again.

Crisis Averted!

I haven't updated this thing in really, almost three weeks, and it has been a LOOOOONG 3 weeks, let me tell you!

It all started when my OBGYN told me I had to go to a specialist--to have an early ultrasound b/c my doctor wanted to make sure that we were dating the pregnancy correctly (he was assuming 6-7 weeks)...

My appointment was on the 1th of March, so off to specialist we went!

The ultrasound did not go well...

While doing the US, the doctor abruptly pulls out the "probe" (I don't know what the technical term is) and tell me that she could not see a fetus present, and that at 6 weeks (which is what my sac was measuring), she should be able to see something, meaning there's a good chance that the pregnancy isn't "viable" (I hate that term). She tells me to go back to my OBGYN. That he'll discuss it further with me.

Walks out.

So there I am with my husband, sobbing b/c I have NO IDEA what's going on, and I go back to my OBGYN and I'm told that I need to have my blood tested 3 times over the week to see if my hormone levels are rising.
I'm told if they are, then they'll do another US, if not, then they'll schedule me for a DNC...

and that's ALL they'll tell me.

I'm pretty much hysterical at this point. Already having had miscarriages, I was already desperately afraid that something bad was going to happen. This was like my worst nightmare coming true.

Over the next week, I go through all of the blood tests, and I finally find out at like 5pm on that Friday that my hormone levels are going up!
Time for another ultrasound.

Did I mention I'm a basket case? Yeah, pretty much.

FINALLY my follow-up US appointment comes on the 1st of April (Hey, what better day to get life-changing news then on April Fool's day, right?), and I'm reallllllly nervous, but I'm trying to stay positive...

I had decided that I was not comfortable seeing that specialist again, so this time around they sent me to a radiology facility to have my US.

My mother-in-law and I get there, and I'm SO trying to hold it together.

This woman comes into the room and right away she says that she will NOT be able to give me the results of the screening b/c she is not a doctor, but just an ultrasound technician.

Before she even finishes her sentence, I burst into tears. The thought of waiting even an HOUR more to know whether or not I'm going to be a mother just sounded like sheer torture!

I kind of choke out what happened the first time and she apologizes profusely, and tries to reassure me, but there's nothing she can do, so we start the ultrasound...I'm still crying, but trying not to, and failing.

All of the sudden, she turns the screen around to us, and says:

"there's the heartbeat, it's strong. That's all I'm going to tell you..."


OH MY GOD! That woman became my total BFF in that moment.

But my real BFF right then was my mother-in-law.

Apparently, while I was in the bathroom changing for the exam, my MIL told the tech what had happened, my history, how upset I was, etc., which is why she must've taken pity on us, showing us the heartbeat.

Love my MIL!

The moral of this story is that the doctor says that everything looks normal, the baby's heartbeat is healthy, and that I am officially at 9 weeks!

They think the specialist missed it because I was slightly less far along than she thought...which is what I suggested to her in the first place, but let's not get into that....

We are so relieved and excited! I can't even fully express it!

Unfortunately (sort of), during this whole waiting game, morning, afternoon and night sickness has reared in vomit-y head, and food has become the enemy.

I have tried to lose weight 80 million ways to Sunday.

I have been on every diet/exercise plan known to man.

What did I need to do?

I just needed to get pregnant. Irony?

Perhaps.

Pregnancy should become the new fad diet. I've lost ten lbs in a month.

To top it all off, I have a nasty cold.


Ah, pregnancy bliss!


Yay!