2.5 years...

So when O is 5 and P is 2ish?

And I start chattering on about how I want another baby?

Do a girl a solid and just slap a bitch.

I cannot do this again.

As I'm sure I'll get momnesia, and spout drivel like:

"But vasectomies are reversible, and we're so YOUNG..."

Step in, friends.
Cut that shit off at the pass.

I am fucking miserable.

Which I HATE saying because I feel so incredibly LUCKY to be having a 2nd child.

I know their are women out there who would give their left tit to be where I am, and I wouldn't give this, or my coming daughter up for the WORLD, but never again.

I was miserable with O too.

I didn't have any idea what pregnancy would be like for me with Cerebral Palsy, Chronic Pain, Depression, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on top of just the general issues that all women experience while pregnant...

Needless to say, it was a party.

A pain-filled, excruciating and exhausting party.

I learned quickly that my body was not quite designed to be pregnant, and getting...or should I say STAYING pregnant just made it angry.

Super.

Knowing before O was even born that despite it all, I would want to do it again...

I had really hoped that if I could finally get through a full term pregnancy, maybe the 2nd time around would be easier.

My body would be acclimated.
The transition would be waaay easier.
Be like riding a bike, right?

[side-note? I can't ride a bike. Oops.]


Ummm, yeah. Not so much.

We're back to a world of pain and mind-numbing exhaustion.

New and Improved with a Toddler and an unemployed husband!

Yay!

Yesterday was a bad day.
I was so tired, I couldn't see straight, so the Huz convinced me to get in my recliner and take a nap...

But everything hurt.
And I just wanted to lay down like a normal person.

Wrangling my ass into bed was no easy feat, and I knew it was a bad idea, but I was determined to LAY DOWN.

My body and joints said NAY.
And the endeavor ended in tears.
Plus profanity.

Most days are like this and it gets a little harder every week...

[C'mon July 30th!]

But I love being a mom, and we felt it was really important for O to have a sibling.

I can't wait to meet P.
To squeeze her.
To festoon her little head with bows.
To watch O and P grow up together.

All of this is worth it.
For all of that.

However?

I start getting baby fever for #3?

Put your back into it.
For my sake.


Unless we're adopting.
Snort.
Shut up.
Totally different.

Mish-Mash.

Basically, these are all topics I'd planned on writing a blog each on, but realized I just didn't have the energy.

So I lazily cobbled this together!
(I really know how to SELL it, right?)

ANYway....

Struggling with depression in a big way.

The fatigue is even worse.

(I feel like my CFS is getting worse.
Hoping it's just pregnancy...)

Which is forms an ever-so-helpful film of uselessness that clings to my heart and mind these days, suffocating me.

Yay!

Depression and Chronic Fatigue are assholes.

Moving on...

Still radio silence on the employment front.

Applying/circulating to just about anything/anyone is still the name of the game.

Yet, we're having to weigh gas prices to pay to unemployment benefits, etc.

We've realized that over the last 5 years, we've fallen into the "desperation trap" taking crap jobs just for the sake of a job, rather than looking at the career-term picture...

Which has barely done anything to *really* help us.

Not that we're really in a position to be choosy at this point--

But we would like to break the cycle if we can.

Huz is taking some online classes in hopes of beefing up his skill-set from a resume perspective, but it's definitely not a quick-fix and there doesn't seem to be any opportunities forthcoming...

We're just holding on and hoping.

The childrens:

O is driving his mama and daddy to a sleep-deprived grave.

He's completely given up his nap, which he frankly did back in December when we put him in his big-boy bed, but I was in denial...

So yeah. No nap.

And?

He wakes up at 5:00-30 am no matter what.

We've tried early bed time, late bed time, sound machines, blackout shades, death threats (kidding!), everything.

Does not MATTAH.

7:30-8pm to 5:00-30am

Always.

With no nap.

My runs-his-ass-off-gets-CRANKY-when-sleepy Child.

We've considered dosing him, but figured that would just be a slippery slope...

We're working on consequences and following directions.

I think he's even more stubborn than me.

Ahem.

Baby P is moving and grooving in the womb, and making her mama very fat...okay, so it could be all the emotional eating...

In my defense?

Girlfriend kicks me 'til I eat.
No joke...

Hush.

All in all though, she'd healthy and working her way toward the finish line.

We have a 3D US scheduled for May 23rd which I'm excited about.

Can't wait to see her little faaaace!

My joints are killing me, and I've taken up residence in a recliner for the sleepings since late March, which sucks, but laying in bed is too painful.

The recliner is miiiiles better than the poang chair of O's gestation.

::shudder::

Mobility is rabidly escaping me.
Sigh.

But!
She's worth it, as was O.

Not sure it takes the sting off being able to feel stretch marks through my shirt though...

Ain't mudderhood grand?



To sum up:

Life, in a lot of ways, is a demoralizing mess, but it's got potential...

A good friend asked me the other day how life was, and I said:

"Well, we're broke and depressed, living at my in-laws with tiny people, but we still want to be married to each other, so that's gotta be good--right?"

And it is.

I no can haz moar cheezburger??!

Guys?

I don't really have anything to write about that isn't sorta sadsack.

So I don't really want to write anything.

Yet at the same time?

I could fill up a long rambly blog about what mills around in my head all day.

(Gonna try and endeavor to not put you lovely folks thru that)

I stay awake at night running through it, I think in the hopes that scrutinizing will somehow give me a clue to what is going to fix the problems that keep me awake in the first place.

There have been no breakthroughs in the case thus far...

Huz is still searching.
Our savings is draining
A daughter is coming.

And all that comes with that.

I've been feeling really guilty lately.
I'm tired and sore and depressed.

Beyond lazy in the wife and mommy department.

A total slacker in the documenting my pregnancy with Baby Girl department.


I have however, been Super Busy eatin' mah feelings!

I went to the OB today for the 6 month check up (I'm 23w 4 d) and I've gained 19lbs already.

Isn't that special??

My OB doesn't seem concerned, but I was kinda shocked.

I only gained 27lbs with O total!

I have no one to blame but myself...
Well, and the baby. Maybe.

I have been eating whatever the HELL I WANT.

I didn't do that last time.

I was so sick with him that my appetite never really reached optimum pregnancy voraciousness, but with this one?

Huuuungry all the tiiiiime.
(said to the tune of Party All the Time)

It's pretty much a free-for-all in my belllllleh!

Between all the crap we're dealing with, my joints killing me constantly, and spending my nights attempting to sleep in a recliner--

I feel like meals and yummy snacks are all I really have to look forward to right now.

And yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds.

It's true nonetheless.

Obviously, if I want to avoid looking like Jabba, I need to be better about what I'm shoveling down my gullet.

But....

Where is the fun and cheeseburgers in that?

Nowhere, THAT'S where.

I'm starving right now, btw...



Harrumph.




See?

A sadfuckingsack.

What's good, what's bad and what could be...

I kept waiting to write this post until I had all the answers and certainties that I needed to be clear/concise/informational...

Then I realized if I didn't get it all off my chest, I might explode.

I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but Pregnancy and I were just not meant to be BFFs.

This truly saddens me to my core.

(PS, Before anyone freaks out, I am STILL pregnant.)

If you need to catch up, go here
I'll wait, no big....
.....
......
..........

Okay, so now that we're all up on the haps, here we go!


As of today, I've made it to 12 weeks.
I had a 2nd ultrasound last week and the baby is Healthy and Busy!


This is the good.

The bad is this-

I finally got some answers on the dodgy pap situation....

Little PSA for a sec, ladies?


Get your Paps regularly!!!
It's so freaking important.
Last year?
My Pap was a clean a whistle.
This year?
Not so much.
Anything can change in a year, you never know. Stay on top of it and get checked!




I found out that I have severe precancerous cells in my cervix.
The technical term is High Grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions (HGSIL).

Sounds comforting, right?


As it has been explained to me by my OBGYN--These cells will turn into cancer (if they haven't already) if not removed.

Typically, they would just go in and surgically remove the cells immediately without any real issue....

but the procedure can't be performed on a pregnant woman without killing the baby.

Swell.

Since I can't even be biopsied without jeopardizing the baby's health, my OBGYN will be doing a  a colposcopy to determine how invasive the cells are--which will decide whether or not I can wait to deliver the baby and then be treated.

My colposcopy is scheduled for this Thursday.  My OBGYN has said that his plan is to wait to treat me until after the birth, unless the results show that the HGSIL has crossed over into cancer territory.

Then we have to make some "decisions."
Read: Terminate the pregnancy

{Further recommended treatment btw? A hysterectomy. Yep.}


I've already have many friends tell me stories of how someone they knew went through the exact same thing, and everything was just fine, but I can't help but be well, terrified.


I watched my mother go through this a t 34.  And it wasn't fine. Not at all.

I'm really afraid that it won't be fine. 
That as usual, I'll defy statistics and it will be bad...


All I really care about at this point is delivering my child safely and healthily.
If that means I have to forsake my reproductive system, than so be it.

Do I want to be wombless a nd menopausal at 31? 
Can't say that I do...
But I would rather be that then have to abort my child.


Cause, guys?
As much as everyone has been trying to dance around it with me?


That's my child in there.
With fingers and toes, and a face.
I've seen the baby move.


If the worst news comes my way and it is actual cancer and not just starter-cancer, and I can do it without killing myself, I will ride the pregnancy out for as long as I possibly can to give my child a chance to live.

I believe strongly in that.


If it means more aggressive treatment for me after the baby is born, than that will be what I have to do.


Because the other option is a death sentence.

Maybe not for me, but one all the same.

People conveniently leave that out a lot.


And to make the choice  to "Save Myself" would feel like the worst thing I'd ever done.

Sigh.

But it's going to be fine, right?




Holy fuck, I hope so.

Trying to squeeze some happiness outta this ordeal