I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


YES!
 

Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?

Yeeeeah.

I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)


Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

Well.
There's that...

There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365

Ahem.

However--

I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....

Nope!

Also?

We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.