Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.

Pity party, Table for 1?

Yep, that's me.

I hate that I'm sick. I hate that I feel so powerless. I spend nights wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to make our lives okay.

I feel constantly guilty.

Guilty that I'm not healthier.
Guilty that I came into our marriage with so much debt.
Guilty that my family (for the most part) is a bunch of nutjobs.
Guilty that I can't make our financial situation better.
Guilty because I'm so fucking tired all the time.
Guilty because I am not the perfect wife/mother I always wanted to be.

As I sat in bed crying the other night, my husband said:

"Stop blaming yourself for this. You've been through hell in life and that's gotta take its toll on a person. Think about all you've been given to deal with-None of this is your fault!"

Maybe I should think about it...

Let's reflect on that shall we? Get ready to Pity-Party it UP!

The Hit-List: They Just keep on Coming!
(no pun intended...okay, maybe a little.)

Born super-early w/ lots of complications

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which meant a childhood filled with pain and surgery
-also? Bullies. Kids are vicious when you have a walker...and coke-bottle glasses. I was a hot mess.

A violently abusive mother who was also an emotional terrorist. Still is.

I've never known my biological father

A junkie stepfather who was, shall we say, "inappropriate" at times

A violent, unstable, poor household

Too much work and too many obligations starting at a young age
-practically raising myself and my younger siblings
-working since I was 14 to help support my family and later myself
-taking care of the madre. I was more her parent than she was mine

My mother has stolen thousands from me, stole my identity, and for several years, ruined my credit

Raped at both 18 and 22

Two miscarriages

Been hit by a car AND run over by one (2 separate occasions)

Years upon years of running myself into the ground, stress and overwork because I was desperate to break free from my familial cycle.
-I have this overwhelming need to always put on a brave face, to look "fine", to act "fine" and convince myself that everything is FINE and I can handle everything without worrying anyone because that's my job, so best keep my mouth shut and my self busy. No one likes a complainer.

Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember

I suffer from insomnia and migraines

When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every.Night. Always have.

I live with chronic pain

I'm drowning in debt b/c of college, medical bills, ID theft, and life in a dismal economy

(Not a super-sunshiney list. Sorry folks!)

It's all of those things (and more) that make me feel like I must have been Hitler in a previous life....

[It is by no means the worst history, but it's fairly intense.]

To think that I may be even sicker, and have to go deeper into debt is almost too much for me at this point.*

I know people will say that I should be proud of myself for overcoming so much, or point out how all of this has just made me stronger, OR that I've built so much character through a life of adversity...

But with all due respect and at risk of being rude, character and strength can go take a fucking flying leap.

I'm exhausted. And terrified. I'd like the option to take the easy road now, please.

And before you point out that the hard road has led me to be blessed with a wonderful husband and son, I'm on it. It did indeed.

All I'm saying is that I would like to switch lanes now.

[I do want it known that I am extremely GRATEFUL for my Hubs, my son and my friends. Thank you for loving me-for keeping me afloat. You all are my heart.]

I don't freak out about this stuff for myself. It's for my little family.
I want my husband and my son to have the best life possible.

I want my son to have the life I never did. I want my husband** to have a partner, not a liability.

I'm terrified that I have fought and sacrificed and struggled for a future that is never going to come to fruition, and that my entire life is going to be one battle after another....and I've just dragged two more people into the fray.

Perhaps that is too negative of a view, but those are the feelings I am flooded with right now.

I just want some peace.***


Well thanks for partying with me! I'm gonna go try and put my Big-Girl Panties on now, and resume dealing with life in a mature fashion.

* Note: just in case anyone was worried, I'm not going to throw myself out the window or anything...I'm just having a rough day, er, week, er MONTH. But still! No need to worry!

** Extra Shout OUT to my hubs who knew ALLLL of this stuff and more whilst we were dating and still wanted to marry me anyway! I know, right? He's a catch.

*** Again, not in the funereal kind of way. Girlfriend just needs a Break!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Well, it's better than a poke in the eye with a stick...

I guess.

Here's the update on Gall-Gate 2010:

My ER bill came to $6000.00.

Yes, that's THOUSAND....

After being on the phone forEVER, and basically being told that I was S.O.L. (because my Hubs makes too much, GUFFAW.)as far as financial assistance goes, I found out that I at least qualify for Share-of-Cost Medi-Cal.

Basically, it means that on a monthly basis, I have a certain amount that I have to pay out of pocket if I seek any kind of medical care--My "Share of Cost". After I meet that amount, any other care I receive within that month is covered, as long as I see a doctor that is a Medi-Cal Provider. If a month goes by and I haven't sought any medical attention, than I owe nothing. I only pay for what I use.

Not too shabby, no?


Except my SOC is $2000.00 a month.

$2000.00 a month is pretty much our entire monthly income.

So, yeah. FML, right?


There's a the silver(ISH) lining:

Because I have the SOC plan in place, I only had to pay $2000 of the $6000 bill. Yaaaay!

BUT, because you have to pay your SOC within the month it was used, there was no option to make payments on the 2 Gs. It was all or nothing, baby.

We had to borrow from my ILs. I have no idea how we're gong to pay them back, because I have appts. to have consultations with the 3 specialists next month, and those will all be out of pocket. Chances are, if they agree with my PCP and schedule surgery, I won't be able to have surgery 'til November. We're still trying to recup after the trips to WV.

Where the HELL are we supposed to pull these funds from?

Hubs and I figure that by the end of it all (if we're lucky), we're going to be looking at $6-8000.00 spent, which is WAY better than it could be, but still enough to cripple me with anxiety.

We've been working so hard to financially stabilize, I feel like all of our work is slowly becoming undone.

I can't fathom how we're going to rebound from this. It's already breaking us financially.

Not to mention, O's bday is coming up, and there's the holidays.

Every Christmas is rough for us b/c Hub's company shuts down for a week during the holiday. It's unpaid.

So every Christmas, we sit at home, somewhat appreciative of the little "vaycay," but panicked over the lost income.

It's gonna be a Blue Christmas, kids.

I'm HOPING that I'll go see all of these specialists, they'll run their tests, and sum it up with:

You're fine!

If I'm being honest with myself, I know SOMETHING isn't fine.

I don't feel well, and haven't for quite some time.

We'll see what happens!

Wish me luck thru this process. I need it.

I'll keep y'all in the loop as much as I can!

I'm no Martha, but ...

It looks okay, right?

O's new Pad.

He loves it.

That makes me smile.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I don't even know what to say, other than: F@#K!

I am angry.

I want to throw myself on the floor and have a fit.

That kind of angry.

I ended up in the ER on Saturday morning at 3 am with abdominal pain so bad it made me cry/unable to breathe.
As it had been going on for a week in earnest, I finally relented and went to the ER.

Found out I had gallstones.

The ER referred my to my primary care physician.
[He's technically my MIL's considering I don't have insurance, but I see him when it's urgent]

After talking to him about my current symptoms and the on-going ones I've had for the last year (but kept rationalizing in my head as not a big deal-in my defense, so did others, making me doubt their severity), he told me that I needed to go see not one, not Two, but THREE different specialists.

[A Gastrointerologist, a Urologist, and a Surgeon. Kinda like the nursery rhyme, but more college]


I won't go into all of it until I have concrete info, but he definitely thinks I need my gall bladder removed, could need bladder surgery, and he thinks I may also have ulcerative colitis or Chrohn's disease.

Hubs is afraid it's Cancer.
{I doubt it.}
He shouldn't be allowed on WebMD anymore.

Sooo, as mentioned before, I'm pissed.

I keep waiting for some good luck to befall us, or for all of our perseverance to finally pay off, and instead, we get more crap to deal with.

I have NO idea how we're going to pay for this.

I will be spending the next week on the phone calling everywhere I can think of to try and get some assistance.

I don't qualify for MediCal, no one will insure me, and the high-risk pools have long waiting lists with even longer price tags, so I've gotta do some digging to see what else is out there. There's gotta be a way to make this cheaper. If not, I suppose there's always bankruptcy....yeeeesh.

Either way, I've gotta start taking care of this ASAP so it doesn't get worse.

My biggest fear in this mess (besides bankruptcy and/or destitution)?

1. I'll go thru all the tests and pay all this money to find out that it's somehow NOTHING


2. I'll go thru all the tests and it will be Cancer.

[Personally, if I had to pick, I'm shooting for Door #1.]

Monday, September 20, 2010

Well, we're back and stuff.

We're back! Thank GAWWWD.

The trip was a stressOrama moneypit. It was also soul-crushingly depressing for the Hubs and I, BUUUUT WAIT!

It did have its high points FO SHO:

1. O did AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC on both the trip there, and the trip home. He had a couple cranky moments, but nothing major, and Delta airlines just thinks he's a peach. I am one proud Mama. Seriously, I think Hubben and I were crankier than he was.

2. Seeing my Hub's family (we hadn't seen most of them in 3 years, and who knows when we will again?, and we always enjoy our time with them.

3. O meeting those family members.

4. Hub's grandfather's 80th surprise party (after months of planning and stress for my MIL, it went swimmingly).

5. O's christening (he was HANDS DOWN the best-behaved child I've ever seen in a church-I'm not saying that b/c he's mine, either.) was beautiful.

All of that was swell. Warm and Fuzzies all around!

Being stuck without a rental car, Hubs not really having time to look for work/interview (which was why he took an unpaid week off of work) and the amount of money that flew out of of savings account [read: almost ALL] was not. Neither was my body's decision to revolt-making me feel like crap the whole time...My period coming a week early was an especially nice touch.

That could all be overlooked as the perils of traveling, I know.

The knife in our backs was really staying at my Hubby's grandmother's house.

(The house has sat empty for almost 2 years-his Grams now lives in a nursing home)


Because it was the house we would have moved into if Husbandface had gotten the job.

The house that we spent hours decorating in our minds and making plans for the future. We even talked about having another baby if it happened.

(In hindsight, not the best idea, but we were attempting to be hopeful.)

I think we were both taken aback at how hard it all sort of kicked us in the teeth as we arrived, and kinda hung over us like a shadow the whole week we were there.

We just felt even more stuck. Even farther from where we want so badly to be, if that makes sense...

And I realize that I should have just but I couldn't stop worrying about money. We absolutely had no business taking a trip (albeit a mandatory one) for a DAY let alone, a WEEK, so I was wracked with panic over it the majority of the trip. I don't think it helped that my darling Hubben was also freaking out over the fact that our plan of him hitting the pavement with a vengeance every day that week to look for jobs/interview pretty much fell flat on its proverbial ass, and there wasn't jack we could do about it.

Did I mention that the Man and I spent that week sleeping on a full-sized bed when we're used to our king? Yeah....

But, we got thru it, and managed to fly home safely with our son (and our marriage) intact.

However, coming back home was rough.

It was like leaving the field utterly defeated.

We walked back through the doors of my IL's house totally broke, having made NO progress while in WV.

Yes, we knew as we left that THAT may be the outcome, but we were trying once again, to be positive.

As for our plan forward, we don't really know. We need a miracle. I've been campaigning for one since I got pregnant with O, so maybe we'll get it eventually.

And before anyone pipes up to tell me how fortunate I already AM, I know.

We are extremely grateful that my husband's parent's have opened their home to us, and even more grateful that through the last few years at least one of us was able to keep his job. We are so thankful for what we have because we know that it could be worse.

That being said, we need to get out on our own. The living with his parents situation is NOT a forever deal. We knew that coming into it, and we've already been here far longer than either party expected or wanted.

Even more pressing, we have a child that we want to give a home to. One that is our own.


On a lighter note,

For the sake of our sanity (and sex life), Hubs and I decided to turn our little "apt." into 2 distinct bedrooms.

You know what that means!

Baby has his OWN room!

It's so cute!

We seriously spent from 9am-12am putting it all together. We totally lucked out b/c friends of ours gave us a crib, and we already had a dresser for him (that we also use as a changing table). So all we needed to buy was a shelving unit for his toys, a crib mattress, some bedding, and some adorable wall decals for art.

Did I mention it looks really cute?!
'Cos it is.
I will add a picture next post.

It's definitely lifted our spirits to give O a nursery. we've been waiting to do that since we got pregnant.

Tonight will be the first night he sleeps in there!

Wish me luck...I'll probably cry more than he does.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Oh, right. The baaaaaabbbbbby.

I'm gonna quit my bitchin' for a sec, and update you, my darling readers on what started this whole enterprise:

My son.

(Who as you can obviously tell, is AWESOME)

My little monkey is 10 months old, which kinda hurts my heart.

Yes, I want him to grow up and have a great life, but that means he's going to become a man...a hairy, stinky, sex-on-the-brain, MAN.

I have a hard time reconciling that. I mean, look at him! He's too cute for puberty!

Moving on...

He's crawling faster than I can walk (yes, I know that's not that HARD, harhar.), and he DESPERATELY wants to become bipedal.

[He's so close, I can taste the ER visits.]

Annnd? He's already climbing.
Homeboy can't walk yet, but he can climb? Lucky Me!

He's fiercely independent and stubborn. I have no idea where he gets it...ahem.

My Mommy-feelings often get hurt b/c he is perfectly happy playing by himself. Sure, he wants to know I'm near him, but when i try to horn in on his games, he looks at me as if to say: "Mommy, I'm having some ME time, right now."

[Uhhh, Sigh. I'll be over here, you know, if you want some company later, or somethin'....]

He's funny. He knows when he's doing something hysterical, and will give you a look like: "Eh? Eh? Funny, right?!"

He has the most expressive little face. He'll never be able to play poker...much like his mother. We can be read like books! BOOKS, I SAY!

He LOOOOOOOVES Sesame Street. He does a little jig as it's coming on. Mr. Noodle is his comic genius.

He's not quite talking yet (He says Mama, much to Dada's chagrin), but he babbles a ton, and gesticulates with his hands as he does it. It's all very Italian, really...

He studies everything. Turning it over and examining it from all angles.

He knows that remote makes the TV work, and that the Xbox controller makes figures move on the screen. He adores anything electronic.

Also? He loves him some ladies. He's a hardcore flirt.

[In short, he's a total dude.]

He's a music baby FO SHO. We listen to classical every morning, and classic punk in the afternoon.

He will wake up in the morning, stand up in his playard and hit all the buttons on the sound machine til music starts playing, and then sit back down and play.

Little man has these little drums that play music when you hit the tops, so he'll sit there w/them next to him while he's playing with another toy-using them as background music. When the music stops, He'll put down his toy, hit the drums, the music will start and he'll go back to what he was doing. Hilarious.

He's got 6 teethies and more on the way. He also has his Daddy's gapped front teeth....Orthodontia is in our future! WOO.

He hates eating solids, because he wants to feed himself. He hates sippy cups because he knows that they are not the same kind of cups Mommy and Daddy drink out of, so he's not having any of it. He'll only drink from MY cup. Period.

He hates bananas, applesauce, and juice of all kinds. What? Weird, right?

When he cries (which isn't a lot), his tone sounds like someone is killing his puppy (if he knew what a puppy was). Hubs and I joke that it's the hurting of his soul...seriously, though. It'll break your heart.

When he's mad (which is more frequent now that he's teething and trying to walk), he has an ADORABLE angry face.

[I don't think he appreciates it being called adorable, but whatever. He can bring that up in therapy a couple decades from now.]

In summation, he's kinda the coolest baby ever. I love him so much it sorta hurts.

Now, I have to start planning his 1st birthday party...

Now, that does hurt.