Friday, July 13, 2012

Address Change Reminder!

Hopefully, most of you know that I have moved my blog over to Wordpress....I'm still learning and transitioning, but I think it's going to be a good thing!

I don't want to lose contact with anybody, so....

Here are all the ways to keep up with me if you feel the need-


Email me:

Facebook Me:


You can follow me on Twitter: @CJayneGo

Thanks, guys!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

An extension and perhaps resolution of earlier's post....

About a year ago, after being frustrated to no end with Blogger, I decided to import my blog from that site into WordPress….

I don’t really know what happened after that.

But I’m back to being disgusted with with Blogger, so I'm moving on over...

To a newish WordPress Casa.

I installed the WP app on mah phone and everythiiiiing!
(oooh. commitment.)

Even installed all the posts from my old poetry blog into this one, so we’re getting all SORTS of comprehensive up in the joint.

I’m gonna give it another go…

I’ll keep my Blogger up as well until I have everything sorted out.
I’m excited, and I hope I can make this work…

Check it out, and report back to me would ya?

iPhone, iBlog, iFail.

I have several posts I want to write, such as:

Our return to toddler-sleep Hell

Our failed attempt at family pictures

Our son's constant crankiness

Our visit to CHOC LA & the Ronald MCDonald House

But before I try to tackle that-I need to address an issue with y'all...


I have been TERRIBLE at answering them and I'm sorry.

A lot of the problem is over the last few months, I've been doing everything on my phone because our computer is upstairs and the stairs and I aren't really on speaking terms...

My phone is great, but for some reason, blogger is often very uncooperative in the i-format.

Complicating matters is Intense Debate. I installed it in the effort to connect more thoroughly with commenters, but mostly?

It's been a pain in the ass, because I never know when it's gonna work.

On top of that, ID and Blogger comments sections aren't compatible, so they're constantly canceling each other out.


I tried to fix everything via my phone, but no dice.

I need to hobble my ass upstairs and spend some time on our actual computer and clean things up/out.

Being FULLY aware that all of my problems could just be user-error.

I no haz teh tekh-savveez.

I'm also back to considering a move to Wordpress, but I don't know if that would be better or worse.

All that to say:

I'm not ignoring you guys, and I love every comment and appreciate it!
Thank you!

I'll figure it out eventually....

Do any of you blog via your iPhone?
Do you use Blogger or WordPress?
Any tips?

Monday, June 4, 2012

8 weeks to go...

The latest in BabyGirl's pending arrival:

I'm 31 weeks today.

Section is scheduled for 39 weeks.
July 30th.

We are taking Maternity shots on Fri.

We had a 3D US, but she would NOT cooperate. We only got like one decent pic...Sad.

Having Braxton Hicks often.

Also? Strange feeling she's gonna come early...which scares the bejeezus out me.

Even so-

Holy shitballs, kids.

I'm so ready for P to get here!

I can barely move anymore.

My joints are all locked up , and it hurts just to get across the room.

Someone has to help me up/down the stairs every time.

Picking O up outta the question--which blows. I feel like I'm neglecting him...

I can't sleep, and pretty much spend the night in my chair cursing my body (and my snoring spouse) til 2-3am when exhaustion finally takes over and I FINALLY pass out.

Summation? Useless and trapped.
And cranky.

The next 8 weeks need to go by fast!
I be losin' Mah MIND.

We're totally unprepared for her arrival, by the way...

Nothing stocked or set up.

We keep trying to, but something always thwarts us, pushing it aside for "later."

(not that I can do a lot anymore ANYWAY-but still)

I am not a "later" or "do as needed" type of gal, and as such, I'm getting kinda panicky, but I've given up hope of getting anything done until after my shower....

Which is in 3 weeks.

After which, I'll be driving my Husband crazy while I supervise/coax/beg/threaten him as he does all the stuff I'd rather be doing myself.

In the meantime, I'll be here...sitting...watching my feet and ankles balloon...


Monday, May 28, 2012

A Case of The Angries

My husband and I are pissed.
At everything.
Usually- at each other.

It sucks.

Don't get me wrong.

We've had our fights over the years and some have been doozies, necessary ones even, but this is different.

It's daily snipes, annoyances, and small rages that blow over quickly, but but happen all. the. time., leaving us both feeling badly.

The worst part?
The fights are often about nothing.

We both feel angry and stressed and worried and trapped.

Not with/in our marriage, but in our situation.

Which isn't anything new, but the weight is catching up with us in a big, squabbly way...

He's angry that he doesn't have a job.
I'm angry he doesn't have a job.

We're angry that he's applying for jobs daily, but with every app he puts in-- there are literally 200-300 people applying right along with him.

("helpful" new feature on CareerBuilder)

We're angry that instead of moving forward, we're falling behind again, never having moved AHEAD in the first place.

We're angry that our pregnancy can't just be joyful and exciting, because we're too scared shitless about the future...

There's a lot of anger.
That's mostly fear.

We are trying desperately to hold on to gratitude and hope, but the anger-fear is bubbling over.

There are plucky optimistic days, but they're dwindling.

So we find ourselves cagey and irritable, unable to stop ourselves...

Exploding over little things, because there's not a lot of control over the big things.

Maybe it's normal.
To feel this way for awhile.

Perhaps we'll ride the this period of discontent out, and end up with a calmer perspective?

In the meantime, we just have to try and not kill one another.

Because you always hurt the ones you love.

And I really lurrrrve my husband.
I know the feeling is mutual.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

2.5 years...

So when O is 5 and P is 2ish?

And I start chattering on about how I want another baby?

Do a girl a solid and just slap a bitch.

I cannot do this again.

As I'm sure I'll get momnesia, and spout drivel like:

"But vasectomies are reversible, and we're so YOUNG..."

Step in, friends.
Cut that shit off at the pass.

I am fucking miserable.

Which I HATE saying because I feel so incredibly LUCKY to be having a 2nd child.

I know their are women out there who would give their left tit to be where I am, and I wouldn't give this, or my coming daughter up for the WORLD, but never again.

I was miserable with O too.

I didn't have any idea what pregnancy would be like for me with Cerebral Palsy, Chronic Pain, Depression, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on top of just the general issues that all women experience while pregnant...

Needless to say, it was a party.

A pain-filled, excruciating and exhausting party.

I learned quickly that my body was not quite designed to be pregnant, and getting...or should I say STAYING pregnant just made it angry.


Knowing before O was even born that despite it all, I would want to do it again...

I had really hoped that if I could finally get through a full term pregnancy, maybe the 2nd time around would be easier.

My body would be acclimated.
The transition would be waaay easier.
Be like riding a bike, right?

[side-note? I can't ride a bike. Oops.]

Ummm, yeah. Not so much.

We're back to a world of pain and mind-numbing exhaustion.

New and Improved with a Toddler and an unemployed husband!


Yesterday was a bad day.
I was so tired, I couldn't see straight, so the Huz convinced me to get in my recliner and take a nap...

But everything hurt.
And I just wanted to lay down like a normal person.

Wrangling my ass into bed was no easy feat, and I knew it was a bad idea, but I was determined to LAY DOWN.

My body and joints said NAY.
And the endeavor ended in tears.
Plus profanity.

Most days are like this and it gets a little harder every week...

[C'mon July 30th!]

But I love being a mom, and we felt it was really important for O to have a sibling.

I can't wait to meet P.
To squeeze her.
To festoon her little head with bows.
To watch O and P grow up together.

All of this is worth it.
For all of that.


I start getting baby fever for #3?

Put your back into it.
For my sake.

Unless we're adopting.
Shut up.
Totally different.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Restful Regression

A post or so ago, I mentioned our struggles with O's sleep...I'd link it, but I'm doing this from my later...

The basic gist?
He wasn't sleeping.

I finally decided the problem was an issue of freedom.

Not lighting (blackout shades)
Toys (all taken out)
Or even scheduling (for the most part)

It's that he could get out whenever the hell he felt like it.

And did.
And jumped
And rolled
And played

After months of -5am wake ups & no naps, I kinda snapped...

So I made Husband set up his pack n play & we plopped him in it.

Guess what?

He slept.
And he napped.

Holy shit.

Yes, he threw a hissy at first, but for the most part?

It's totally worked.


Instead of taking an hour+ for him to fall asleep at bed time & waking up at 5am or before, he now takes maybe 30 mins at night & wakes between 6-6:45 am!


Nap time is still a bit tricky (like today, he refused to nap), but over the last 2 weeks, it usually takes about 30 minutes of him chatting it up with himself & then he falls asleep!


I am a genius.

Then my Huz came in with his worried face--like he does, & started talking about O "regressing."

As in going from a big-boy bed back to a baby crib, of sorts...

Wasn't that a bad thing?
And what about when the Baby comes?
He'll be almost 3!


Honestly, if it were up to ME, he'd probably still be sleeping in bed with us...but that's another subject...

And the only reason we moved him from his crib when we did is because he started climbing out of it & his Pediatrician scared the bejeezus out of us...

So I was not AT all bothered by putting him in the pack n play (can't get a climbing grip on mesh walls, sucker!).

I mean, let's focus here:

That was the important thing, right?

As far as Baby Girl, she'd be sleeping with us for the 1st 6 months at least, so no worries there...

And I repeat:
He's sleeping!

That's all she wrote, folks...
All other arguments are invalid.

But then...
Like you do...

I started worrying that maybe this COULD be hampering his development somehow...


After thinking long and hard about it, I've come to a decision:

You know what hampers development?

Sleep deprivation and over-tired mamas.

The pack n play it IS.

One more time for effect:

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Salt meets Water
The deep

A heady cocktail
Of Shame and grace

Salt meets Water
A drop

A mercurial elixir
Of Grief and comfort

Salt meets Water
and the tide swells beyond the Keep

Sunday, April 29, 2012


Basically, these are all topics I'd planned on writing a blog each on, but realized I just didn't have the energy.

So I lazily cobbled this together!
(I really know how to SELL it, right?)


Struggling with depression in a big way.

The fatigue is even worse.

(I feel like my CFS is getting worse.
Hoping it's just pregnancy...)

Which is forms an ever-so-helpful film of uselessness that clings to my heart and mind these days, suffocating me.


Depression and Chronic Fatigue are assholes.

Moving on...

Still radio silence on the employment front.

Applying/circulating to just about anything/anyone is still the name of the game.

Yet, we're having to weigh gas prices to pay to unemployment benefits, etc.

We've realized that over the last 5 years, we've fallen into the "desperation trap" taking crap jobs just for the sake of a job, rather than looking at the career-term picture...

Which has barely done anything to *really* help us.

Not that we're really in a position to be choosy at this point--

But we would like to break the cycle if we can.

Huz is taking some online classes in hopes of beefing up his skill-set from a resume perspective, but it's definitely not a quick-fix and there doesn't seem to be any opportunities forthcoming...

We're just holding on and hoping.

The childrens:

O is driving his mama and daddy to a sleep-deprived grave.

He's completely given up his nap, which he frankly did back in December when we put him in his big-boy bed, but I was in denial...

So yeah. No nap.


He wakes up at 5:00-30 am no matter what.

We've tried early bed time, late bed time, sound machines, blackout shades, death threats (kidding!), everything.

Does not MATTAH.

7:30-8pm to 5:00-30am


With no nap.

My runs-his-ass-off-gets-CRANKY-when-sleepy Child.

We've considered dosing him, but figured that would just be a slippery slope...

We're working on consequences and following directions.

I think he's even more stubborn than me.


Baby P is moving and grooving in the womb, and making her mama very fat...okay, so it could be all the emotional eating...

In my defense?

Girlfriend kicks me 'til I eat.
No joke...


All in all though, she'd healthy and working her way toward the finish line.

We have a 3D US scheduled for May 23rd which I'm excited about.

Can't wait to see her little faaaace!

My joints are killing me, and I've taken up residence in a recliner for the sleepings since late March, which sucks, but laying in bed is too painful.

The recliner is miiiiles better than the poang chair of O's gestation.


Mobility is rabidly escaping me.

She's worth it, as was O.

Not sure it takes the sting off being able to feel stretch marks through my shirt though...

Ain't mudderhood grand?

To sum up:

Life, in a lot of ways, is a demoralizing mess, but it's got potential...

A good friend asked me the other day how life was, and I said:

"Well, we're broke and depressed, living at my in-laws with tiny people, but we still want to be married to each other, so that's gotta be good--right?"

And it is.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Hagatha Sluttine and other name ideas...

Naming a child is a pretty fucking big deal, if you think about it.

You are giving another human being their signature, for crying out loud...

So when you find a name you loooove?

You feel great about life. Obviously.

It's decided!
A weight is lifted!

You are all kinds of on top of this parental gig!


Because of your joy and excitement, the shouting from the mountain tops begins!

That's when shit gets real, kids.

You see, when you share, there will sometimes be an alarmingly vocal amount of folks who take your jubilant declaration as a mere suggestion/lark, and will waste no time in telling you what you SHOULD name your child.


Your name choice sucks. Duh.

And if you are super-lucky, they'll even be gracious enough to tell you WHY.

So considerate.

When I was pregnant with my son, the concept blew me away.

How rude is that??
People really DO that??

I got lucky with O.

A few slight comments, but that was it.

Perhaps the whole "name hazing" thing was overblown....

And then I shared my daughter's name with a few family members.

"Why THAT name?!"

"So, you want people to make fun of her?"

"There are so many other CUTER names."

"Ugh. You need to pick something else!"

"Well, I just hope she doesn't come home from school crying..."

UMMMM. What.the.FUCK?

Look. I get it.

Everyone has their own tastes.

Maybe you hate the name I've picked for my daughter, I understand that.

Perhaps it is the last name on EARF you would consider, and it makes you sad that I would strap an innocent being with such a moniker...

That's your prerogative, as it were.


There have been times where someone has happily shared their name choice with me, and inwardly, I groaned...

The key word here?
As in: to mydamnself.

See where I'm going here?

Because unless you are naming your daughter something pole/gang-worthy like Harlotte or Felonie?

(both true stories, folks)

It is not my place to stomp on the joy of your choice.

Or insult your parenting skills.

It's my job to smile and congratulate you on making such a meaningful decision.

You know, that whole "your child, your business meets basic manners" thing...

You don't have to agree with, enjoy or understand my choice, but you SHOULD avoid shitting all over it.

Not that it'll change my mind, but it will piss me off.

That being said:

If Harlotte of Felonie top your list, I will say something to you.

I'll try to be tactful, but I make no promises.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Mama Knows Best! Right?

Last week, my kid was "let go" from daycare.

(And it really fucked with my head.)

He doesn't need daycare because I stay home, but as a disabled sahm who can't drive, we don't get out a lot-- and I was worried that he wasn't socializing enough.

So in late December, we put him in this home-daycare twice a week for 3 hours (9a-12p) a day...

The lady who runs it is an acquaintance of the family, came highly recommended and most of her kids are full-timers, but we lucked out and she happened to have a morning open.

Extra bonus? We could (sorta) afford it!

All other things like this had been WAY outta our bracket...

It was fabulous.

He loved it, he loved her, and I loved that two days a week he was playing with someone other than Mommy.

Then last Wednesday, she texted me that she wanted to chat about some concerns she had...

I thought she probably wanted to talk about his sleep schedule, because she'd mentioned him being really sleepy lately.

We all know that a tired kid can be a cranky and trying kid, so I figured maybe she had some suggestions.

(If only I could get him to sleep past 5:30-6a! I have TRIED. His sleep schedule is a whoooole other post!)

But that wasn't it AT ALL...

When I called she started saying things like "too busy, too much, can't handle, safety worries," and then:

"It's just not working out."

For a moment I was confused...

What's not working?

Then I realized she meant my son.
Effective immediately.

What had he done wrong?
Had he intentionally hurt other kids?
Was he malicious?


She just kept saying that he was too busy/active for her to deal with along with 4-5 other kids.

I understood that.

He is a very busy child.
He's super inquisitive.
He's quite independent.
He has no fear.
In wide-open spaces?
He loves to RUN.

And at just barely 2.5, following directions is not his strongest skill and gasp(!) he throws tantrums.

We warned her of all of that before she agreed to add him to her group.

Even so, I understood why maybe it wasn't a good fit...

I totally understood that she is one woman on her own with several other kids besides mine to care for.

I totally understood that she recognized that perhaps she didn't have the time nor stamina to keep tabs on yet another child.

I totally understood why she felt like it was in her best interest and that of her business to call it a day as far as my child was concerned.

But as I got off the phone with her, she mentioned that something about his mood swings...

Ummm, okay. Toddlers are universally moody given the day and timing of last I kinda shrugged the comment off.


I was way more focused on getting off the phone.

Hello! Awkward.

But when it was all said and done, I was really upset, and couldn't totally understand why...

After letting it eat at me for several days, I figured it out:

It was NOT because she decided it wasn't a good fit, it was that she was treating my son's behavior like it was somehow abnormal and cause for concern.

She even sent me a video to demonstrate, as she put it, "how quickly his moods would change..."

In the video, he was dancing around with a train and singing happily to himself.

Sounds fine, right?

The issue apparently was that all the other children were sitting on the floor playing blocks and just after she stopped filming he accidentally stepped on another child's hand while cutting a rug.

The poor kid starting crying, and O starting crying, and she tried to pull him away from from the situation presumably to calm the stepped-on child down...

Well, O threw a a tantrum.

This was apparently the last straw.
The vehemence of of his "emotional outbursts."

To me, his response was normal. He was upset. It upsets him when people get hurt.

So he was crying because the other kid was crying, and then to pull him away from the other kids/toys?

Of course he's going to freak out.

He's a toddler. It was as overwhelming for him as it was for the other child.

But she kept saying that it was just so unusual and that she didn't have this problem with the others...

A worm of self-doubt started wriggling...

I spent several days feeling like maybe I was a bad mother, maybe there was something wrong with my baby, maybe we had taught him bad behavioral habits and he was a tiny tyrant...

She is a lovely woman, and I'm sure that's not how she meant to make me feel, but no matter what the circumstances, no mother wants to hear that their child is the unhandle-able one. Or worse, that someone is "concerned" for him.

But I never want to be one of those "blind-eye" mamas, with the "not MY baby" response, so I analyzed everything I'd ever done as a mommy and really studied my son...

What was I not seeing? Doing? Teaching?

The answer?


My son IS indeed
a very busy child.
super inquisitive.
quite independent.
a runner.
not the best direction-follower.
Sometime cranky tantrumer.

He's also wicked smart.

(even his daycare lady called him a baby genius. Ha!)

and adorably affectionate.

He's all of those things and more.
He's a two and a half year-old boy.

He's trying to understand the world.

As an adult it can be a really frustrating, tantrum-causing place...

Imagine it from his tiny point-of-view.

And I finally remembered something:

No one knows my child the way I do.

Everyone you meet will have an opinion/advice/a rule for what your child should do or be, but at the end of the day?

No one knows MY baby like his mama.

Maybe he IS a handful, but not an out of the ordinary one.

In my opinion, he's pretty frikken awesome.

Still, I'm sad he can no longer go.
He loved it.

It's never easy to see something that makes your child smile taken away even if you (mostly) understand the reasoning behind it.

Parenting is complicated stuff, kids.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I no can haz moar cheezburger??!


I don't really have anything to write about that isn't sorta sadsack.

So I don't really want to write anything.

Yet at the same time?

I could fill up a long rambly blog about what mills around in my head all day.

(Gonna try and endeavor to not put you lovely folks thru that)

I stay awake at night running through it, I think in the hopes that scrutinizing will somehow give me a clue to what is going to fix the problems that keep me awake in the first place.

There have been no breakthroughs in the case thus far...

Huz is still searching.
Our savings is draining
A daughter is coming.

And all that comes with that.

I've been feeling really guilty lately.
I'm tired and sore and depressed.

Beyond lazy in the wife and mommy department.

A total slacker in the documenting my pregnancy with Baby Girl department.

I have however, been Super Busy eatin' mah feelings!

I went to the OB today for the 6 month check up (I'm 23w 4 d) and I've gained 19lbs already.

Isn't that special??

My OB doesn't seem concerned, but I was kinda shocked.

I only gained 27lbs with O total!

I have no one to blame but myself...
Well, and the baby. Maybe.

I have been eating whatever the HELL I WANT.

I didn't do that last time.

I was so sick with him that my appetite never really reached optimum pregnancy voraciousness, but with this one?

Huuuungry all the tiiiiime.
(said to the tune of Party All the Time)

It's pretty much a free-for-all in my belllllleh!

Between all the crap we're dealing with, my joints killing me constantly, and spending my nights attempting to sleep in a recliner--

I feel like meals and yummy snacks are all I really have to look forward to right now.

And yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds.

It's true nonetheless.

Obviously, if I want to avoid looking like Jabba, I need to be better about what I'm shoveling down my gullet.


Where is the fun and cheeseburgers in that?

Nowhere, THAT'S where.

I'm starving right now, btw...



A sadfuckingsack.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Notorious B.I.N.K.

O was never supposed to be a binky baby.

But in trying to teach him to latch, the hospital nurses gave him one, and the love affair began...

A boy and his bink.

Now, he's almost 2 and a half.

He still loooooves his bink.

In the last few months however, his bink is the thorn in my side.

It's the ONLY thing that calms him down.

It's a battle at mealtimes.

Also? The Huz had started throwing disapproving harrumphs in my general direction...

Friday night as he screamed at me because I took it out of his mouth for dinner, I decided I'd HAD it.

So I took binky and he didn't get it back.

I figured if we were able to go binky-less Fri-Sun, we would be free from the bondage of binky.

Simple, right?

(Silly, naive mommy.)

We made it through bed (after an epic meltdown) Friday night and all day Saturday.

He was miserable, I was miserable and Mr. Harrumphs-a-lot was suddenly singing the "he's just a baby" tune.

I felt like a monster, and my turncoat of a husband was not helping, but I was determined!

We were going to kick this habit!!

Saturday night, we put him down to bed and the hysterics ensued, but 20 minutes later he was asleep.

It was getting better!

You know, or not...

We went in to check on him before we went to bed, and guess who was happily snoring away in his bed with a bink stuck in his gob?

My darling angelboy.
I swear he stashed that sucker...


I almost cried.

I felt like we were back at square one and all his tears were for nothing.

So we took it while he slumbered, and resolved to start tomorrow anew.


We made it till about 2pm this afternoon...

Huz decided he wanted to go to Disneyland.

(he's all sad-sack b/c our passes expire soon and we're not renewing)

I said nay to this excursion because it was supposed to be cold and rainy.

He insisted I was wrong, and off we went...

A couple hours later we were loading our wet and miserable selves back into the car.


O was soaked and tired, but not not so much so that he couldn't still be righteously pissed about leaving Mickey's House....


It was obvious that he needed to fall asleep, but he was fighting it with all his stubborn fury.

I caved, people.
I just did.

I was tired, drenched and pregnant.
30 minutes of screaming all the way home?

Fuck and NO.

So we gave him a bink.

Thirty Seconds.
I kid you not...
He was OUT.

We've now decided to only give it to him at nap/bedtime, removing it as soon as he falls asleep.

We hoping to then take it away at naptime and so on...

We'd tried this method before, to no avail, but maybe this will be more successful because he's a bit older...

He doesn't give a rip about rewards or binky boxes, paci-fairies, bigboy speeches or the like....

You put holes in it?

And obstinate.
Basically, he's me.

Annnd we have a girl on the way?

I fear I have tread into deep shit...

Potty training may kill us all.
(He has ZERO interest in that, btw.)

Diapers for Everyone!!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Weekend Update....Sigh.

I'm having a serious blogging crisis, which I'm not even sure how to post about, so I'll get into that later...

Since it's been awhile though, I did want to check in--keep everybody updated on our ummmmm, errrrrm progress?

Yesterday was the one monthaversary of Huz' unemployment.
Obviously, it was an understated celebration....harumph.

He's been applying every day since he lost his job, he's been going to an employment resource center 2x a week, and he's been going to job fairs.

A dear friend even took the time to lend us her professional eye and rehauled his resume...

Annnnd, NADA.

Not even a call back.

As an added bonus?

My student loan payments went up another $200 a month.
(Found out that little gem out the day Husband lost his job.)

Sallie Mae doesn't give  a rat's ASS about my no-income situation.
I was basically told to pay up or default.


We're feeling GREAT about life.

It's only been a month, right?
(as I look nervously at my expanding belly)

We did qualify for unemployment, and got our first check in the mail today....

A whopping $342.00!

I'd laugh at the amount if we didn't need it so badly.

It's SOMETHING, so I have to focus on that.

My Medi-Cal situation is kiiiinda settled, in that I am eligible for prenatal MC, but not fully instated because their records still show that I have alternate coverage.

I dropped off our termination letter to the offices last week after FINALLY getting it from Kaiser (who took their sweet time), but when I called the MC offices, they said that the whole thing could take up to 20 business days to process....


So I'm in limbo, but my OB agreed to see me and just backdate for as long as he can.

Baby is doing well, and is healthy from what they can tell.

It's a GIRL btw (for those of you who don't follow facebook or twitter)!!

At least they're 90% sure it's a girl....

The last US I was able to have was right at 17wks, so they said it was a bit early, but the tech was super confident.

As she put it:
Nothing was popping UP. Ha!

I'll be 20 weeks on Monday, and I have an appt. with the Perinatalogist on the 4th.

He'll be able to do a much more thorough/detailed scan then.

But so far, everything looks good!

Physically, I'm feeling okayish.
I'm exhausted all the time, and the joint pain has already kicked into high gear, so I know I've got  A LOT to look forward to in the coming months!

I'm excited, but not as ecstatic as I thought I would be.
I mean, I'm thrilled we're having a girl...I'm thrilled we're having a BABY, but I think my enthusiasm/joy is clouded by stress and depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it.

Asking myself Again and Again: Where did we go so wrong?

I keep wondering/questioning, even praying:
When the FUCK are things going to ACTUALLY turn around for us?

Every time we pass by the apartment complex that we were supposed to move into, my stomach just sinks, and I feel that sting of tears behind my eyes....

Unpacking our boxes gutted us both.

It's been a really long and ugly month.
We're trying very hard to plaster a smile on our faces and soldier forward.

Whenever someone asks how we are, we say:
We're hanging in there! Trying to stay positive, and looking forward to whatever opportunity comes our way!

Which is true.
Sort of...

In the quiet moments of the day, when we're alone?

We feel stuck.

This pattern of two steps forward, 3 steps back has plagued us for too long.

It's no longer about my husband just finding a good job.

For us to actually move in  FORWARD motion?

He needs a fucking miracle job.
We need a sweepstakes win.
We need magic.

Since magic, miracles and Ed McMahon seem to be outta our reach, the plan is for the Huz to find a full-time job, get settled in that schedule and then take on a night/weekend job, and just begin digging our way to the top of some semblance of stability.

Piece of cake, no?

Jobs are just RIPE for the picking!
(are we working the wrong field?)

People keep telling me that our break is just around the corner, good things happen to good people, etc....

I sure hope so.

But I think we're going to be stuck for a long damn time.

We haven't any other choice than to just keep trudging through the shit we've got and to make the best of it.

I'm honestly not sure how to keep doing that.

But we'll figure it out.

Key thing about parenthood is that it takes quitting COMPLETELY OFF the table.

Annoying, right?

As usual, thanks to all of you who've checked in with us, offered commiseration, and are generally rooting for us.

We really appreciate all  the support.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Deja-Effing-Vu All Over Again.

My Husband lost his job Wednesday night.

He was told that while he was an excellent worker with a great set of skills, he just wasn't the right "fit."

He was there for less than 6 months.
He had been told repeatedly that it was going to take a year for him to get fully comfortable in the position.

I guess they changed their minds and decided 4.5 months was long enough.

That would have been really excellent to know at the end of December when the Huz met with his boss and was assured that his progress was just fine and his job was secure.

On January 15th we celebrated his 1st big commission check.

February 15th, he came home without a job.

It feels unreal.

We just signed a 12 month lease last Friday night.

We were supposed to start our move, our fresh start, today.

So here we are, with a lease to break, no money coming in (he wasn't given severance, a final paycheck, nada), our insurance cancelled at the end of the month, and another baby on the way.

It seems like we were standing in this same spot (for the umpteenth time) at the end of May last year...

Oh, wait.

That's because we were.

Every time we think about unpacking all our our boxes to (continue to) stay at his parent's house, I start to cry and my husband looks like he's going to vomit.

We took a drive yesterday to talk about how to move forward, and we realized that, essentially?

We can't.

Even if he were to start a new job tomorrow, unless that job paid him double what he was making at his last job, the best we'll be able to hope for is to just go back to living paycheck to paycheck, scraping together our bills and living with his parents.

For the next 5 years.

And that's under the assumption that we don't go further into the hole during this current period of unemployment.

We (again) revisited my going back to work, but it's been four years, and my health is worse now than it was then. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not sure I could handle working 40 hrs a week again....

And as we discovered before, a child in full time daycare would cost the bulk of my paycheck. Two would most likely take the rest and then some.

Two working parents for one income?

Where's the gain in that?

I can't even begin to express how defeated/beat down we feel.

Yes, we have a roof over our heads, and yes, we have food in our stomachs, but none of it is OURS.

How long can we live here?

How long can we not even really make ends meet?

How long will it take to recover from this setback and what will be left when we do?

It may sound nihilist or overly dramatic, but as I've said before, it's about the money--the math.

If the numbers don't add up, then you can't solve the problem.

And beyond that, you can't just break even. 

There HAS to be a surplus.

Continually breaking even makes for no forward movement, and doesn't allow for any error.

The smallest of miscalculations send you straight back to the red.

This has been our lives for the last 5 years.

The debts keep rooting deeper and the stakes keep climbing higher.

We never thought our lives would be this way, that we'd be bringing two children into it....

Where the HELL did we go wrong?

More importantly--

How the FUCK do we get out of this cycle?

Not quite sure we even know how to breathe at this point.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Good News and Gambling?

Sorry this update is so late!
So so so sorry.

With the Huz being outta state for his Nana's funeral and both O and I contracting the plague-

Things have been a little hectic.

Oh, and we're moving.
In less than 2 weeks.
I think.

But I'll get to that...

The most important update is:


Even the pre-cancerous cells have been down-graded from severe to mild.

The pregnancy will be able to continue along healthily as planned! Yay!

Honestly, for the first couple of days afterward, I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I kept waiting for them to call back saying there'd been a mistake...

My OB was shocked. He was fully expecting cancer. He's honestly still guarded, and will be checking my cervix every 2 months...

For now, I'm taking the news and running with it!

I feel like we can FINALLY get excited about this pregnancy.

What a concept!

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou again to everyone who sent love, encouragement, and prayers our way.

You guys are just frikken fantastic.

Ok, on to the move-

If you know me irl, or have read along for any decent length of time, you know that we live with my in-laws

What was supposed to be 4-6 months has managed to linger now for 3.5 years...

With a second child coming, we need to move. All parties agree.

The problem, as with most of life, is the math.

It doesn't add up.

With one income, two kids, a stack of bills and a pile of debt, our paychecks vaporize on contact.

Our one possible saving grace is that my Huz' job has the opportunity for commission.

His probationary period was over mid-December and he made his first commission in January.

That check alone was almost a month's worth of salary.

Right into savings it flew to add to the nest egg we're desperately attempting to build...

Great, right?

We thought it was, so we started seriously looking for apartments.

We've been searching on a preliminary basis for the past year almost, but this time, we actually started touring places...

We needed a 2bd, first floor unit, preferably with washer/dryer hookups.

And we needed to stay close to my in-laws because I can't drive and would occasionally need transportation...

As we live in SoCal and the ILs happen to live in a fairly affluent section therein, this was all adding up to A LOT of money.

We were about ready to resign ourselves to our fate when a good friend mentioned a move-in special at her complex...

They were offering a 2bd/2ba unit on the 1st floor WITH w/d hookups and a small patio for 300-400 bucks less a month than anywhere else we'd seen.

And they paid for several utilities...

We put a holding deposit down, but then Nana died and Husband flew out for the funeral.

Our hold was only good for 48hrs, and several other people were interested...

I was pretty sure we were screwed.
But, turns out?

They held it for us because they knew we were handling a family death.


We found out on Friday that we were approved for the apt. and can move in on 2/18 if we so wish...

We were positively giddy.
I don't think either one of us expected to get the place--definitely NOT so quickly.

Look at us!
We're moving!

At this point, math reared it's ugly head and stopped us dead in our tracks...

We'd never make it work on our base salary alone.

Huzzle would HAVE to bring in a substantial amount of commission every month or we'd be effed.


We "knew" that, but it really slapped us in the face when signing a lease became an ACTUAL possibility.

But if we waited until we could live on just the base?

We'd be bunkin' with the 'rents for at least another 3 years...

As my MIL so eloquently put it:

"Ummm, no. None of us can handle that..."


So we have to take a leap, and do our best to hit the ground running and make it work.

But is that smart? Is it the right thing to do?

We could stay another 6-12 months, in an attempt to save some more, but I don't think it would make a huge difference...

I also can't help but wonder how much harder it would be to move/transition after a new child is born?


I know in my gut (and also been confirmed by a trusted circle) that we just need to take the risk and do this-- if we don't we'll always find a reason to stay or why it's "not the right time" etc.

We need this.
For our marriage.
For our parenthood.

For our future and all of the momentum and confidence we've lost over the last few years.

But we're really fucking scared.

We don't want to make a huuuuge mistake and fail miserably.

Basically, we are terrified of 2007-08 happening all over again.

Job loss, economy crashing, financial implosion, oh my!

There isn't a nice, tidy solution to this like I want...and that's irritating.

This is a gamble no matter what, but it has to be one we take.

I'm so not good at this type of shit.

Wish us luck! Lots and lots of it!

Big money! Big money! Big moneeeeey!


We make our final decision this Friday.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Blog Posts from the EDGE.

Not to be melodramatical or anything, but I think I might be headed for a bit of a nervous break down...

If you've been reading along as of late, you know things aren't so peachy.

I'm a clinically depressed pregnant and unmedicated mama of a 2yo old with more than a dash of chronic illnesses...

Eh. Whatevs. Right? Right.

Then I found out I might have cancer.

Then someone rear-ended us and fucked up our car.

Then my Huz's Nana died.

I'm feeling tons of guilt on that front, b/c I loved his Nana and I so wish I could fly out with him for the funeral, but it's not my focus.

My focus is on the baby growing in my belly and the possible cancer that could be invading my reproductive system...


the boy got sick.
Then I got sick
All in the last week.

Now my husband is sick, and I'm just getting sicker. Pretty sure we all need antibiotics...

Also fairly certain I have an ear infection, and frankly, I want to crawl in bed and die.

All of that I can handle...

What I can't, is the email from my Ob's office informing me that the earliest I can expect biopsy results is tomorrow morning.

My Huz gets on a plane to West Virginia for his Nana's funeral tomorrow morning at 5 am...

So IF I get the call tomorrow, I'm going to be ALONE.

If it's good news, as in:

"Hey, it's still just severe pre-cancer, so no worries! We'll just do a hysterectomy after you deliver. Easy Peasy, gurl!"

Then I'll do a little dance with O, call my husband, and maybe, finally breathe. Through my mouth though, as my nose is filled with snot...

If it's bad news, as in:

"You have Cancer, and we need to discuss your 'options' in regards to your pregnancy and treatment"

I may just go off the deep-end.
I'm stretched a tad thin...

Send up some lovin' for me if you can.

Thanks so much to all of you who's been on top of that so awesomely already.

Love you crazy kids.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Last night we were rear-ended by a teenager.

((It was really fucking scary for a few minutes...the way car accidents usually are. Minutes that feel like eternity))

We're fine, the baby is fine, and our car is kinda fucked up.

Several hours, an exchange of information and an ER visit later, the accident was over...

But all I could think about was how that accident didn't bode well for today ...

At 1:30 I had my colposcopy.
First thing my OB said was:

This will take maybe 5 minutes--

It's safe for the baby, and we won't risk biopsying anything because of the potential harm to the pregnancy, UNLESS something is seen which could indicate the cells are already cancerous/invasive.

Fifteen minutes into them rooting around in my nether-regions, Dr. OB announces:

I need to do a biopsy.


I was told over and over that there would be NO biopsies unless they saw cancer...

They finish up, and he tells me to meet him in his office...

I lose my shit.

Sitting in his office I'm told that I have a field of severe precancerous cells present, which he had expected given the pap, but unfortunately he also saw with a small area where the cell changes were cause for "concern."

I'm panicked, guys.

My OB told me to stay calm, because possibly? It's nothing.

Or, ya know, it's CERVICAL CANCER.

The alarm over having cancer is secondary at best.

I just want to have my baby.

[Well, and not die from cancer, but I think that goes without saying...]

Stay Calm?

I'm having trouble with the idea of calm right now.

I should have definitive answers by the beginning of next week.

Keep a good thought for us, would you?

I sorta feel like I'm running out of air...

Monday, January 23, 2012

What's good, what's bad and what could be...

I kept waiting to write this post until I had all the answers and certainties that I needed to be clear/concise/informational...

Then I realized if I didn't get it all off my chest, I might explode.

I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but Pregnancy and I were just not meant to be BFFs.

This truly saddens me to my core.

(PS, Before anyone freaks out, I am STILL pregnant.)

If you need to catch up, go here
I'll wait, no big....

Okay, so now that we're all up on the haps, here we go!

As of today, I've made it to 12 weeks.
I had a 2nd ultrasound last week and the baby is Healthy and Busy!

This is the good.

The bad is this-

I finally got some answers on the dodgy pap situation....

Little PSA for a sec, ladies?

Get your Paps regularly!!!
It's so freaking important.
Last year?
My Pap was a clean a whistle.
This year?
Not so much.
Anything can change in a year, you never know. Stay on top of it and get checked!

I found out that I have severe precancerous cells in my cervix.
The technical term is High Grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions (HGSIL).

Sounds comforting, right?

As it has been explained to me by my OBGYN--These cells will turn into cancer (if they haven't already) if not removed.

Typically, they would just go in and surgically remove the cells immediately without any real issue....

but the procedure can't be performed on a pregnant woman without killing the baby.


Since I can't even be biopsied without jeopardizing the baby's health, my OBGYN will be doing a  a colposcopy to determine how invasive the cells are--which will decide whether or not I can wait to deliver the baby and then be treated.

My colposcopy is scheduled for this Thursday.  My OBGYN has said that his plan is to wait to treat me until after the birth, unless the results show that the HGSIL has crossed over into cancer territory.

Then we have to make some "decisions."
Read: Terminate the pregnancy

{Further recommended treatment btw? A hysterectomy. Yep.}

I've already have many friends tell me stories of how someone they knew went through the exact same thing, and everything was just fine, but I can't help but be well, terrified.

I watched my mother go through this a t 34.  And it wasn't fine. Not at all.

I'm really afraid that it won't be fine. 
That as usual, I'll defy statistics and it will be bad...

All I really care about at this point is delivering my child safely and healthily.
If that means I have to forsake my reproductive system, than so be it.

Do I want to be wombless a nd menopausal at 31? 
Can't say that I do...
But I would rather be that then have to abort my child.

Cause, guys?
As much as everyone has been trying to dance around it with me?

That's my child in there.
With fingers and toes, and a face.
I've seen the baby move.

If the worst news comes my way and it is actual cancer and not just starter-cancer, and I can do it without killing myself, I will ride the pregnancy out for as long as I possibly can to give my child a chance to live.

I believe strongly in that.

If it means more aggressive treatment for me after the baby is born, than that will be what I have to do.

Because the other option is a death sentence.

Maybe not for me, but one all the same.

People conveniently leave that out a lot.

And to make the choice  to "Save Myself" would feel like the worst thing I'd ever done.


But it's going to be fine, right?

Holy fuck, I hope so.

Trying to squeeze some happiness outta this ordeal

Friday, January 6, 2012

Exhaustion and A Soapbox.


I'm so tired.
Mind-numbingly so.

I forgot how exhausting it is for me (hell, most of us) to grow a tiny human.

Right before Christmas, everything was shiny, clean, and organized.

After the holiday and a week of guests, it looks like a bomb went off...
Piles like this are everywhere! 4 of 356

I need to get things back in order.
I need to put away dunes of laundry.
I need to scrub out the fridge before it starts taking hostages.


Just the basics of getting through the day with O saps all my energy.

He's fed, mostly clean (I kid) and loved, so I'm winning at life, right?

[Shout out to Disney Jr. and PBS for their supportive roles in this endeavor...ahem...]
Oh, Mickey...Thanks for inviting us to your clubhouse! 5 of 365

When he naps, I nap.
And keeping my eyes open after 9pm is quite the feat...

I miss my meds.

Aside from helping me manage the mental loops of depression, they were instrumental in managing the physical effects of not only depression, but of chronic illness/pain/fatigue.

Which I often feel are more damaging to my well-being then the mental side effects...

Quitting them cold-turkey has been a royal bitch.

The headaches alone...

But the thing I hate the most?
The way I'm treated off my meds...

(DISCLAIMER: it's not everyone and it's not all the time, but it's prevalent enough to be an established pattern)

Any emotion I have is typically treated as a farce.

It's that unspoken but CLEARLY stated attitude of:

"Pay no mind to her, she's off her meds."

Particularly if I'm upset about something...

Oh, we didn't actually hurt your feelings, disrespect your opinion, ignore your pain, or make you angry, you're just hormonal and unmedicated.

You poor thing, you.

Don't you worry though, we'll grin and bear it.

For you!

Well, isn't that fucking special.

I'm not mentally incompetent, people.
There is actual validity to my emotions.

Now, I will be the first to admit that off my meds and dependent on my level of stress, my patience wears thinner and my temper fuse is shorter, but the biggest thing that changes is my ability to  
smile and fake it.

I completely lose that ability to diplomatically sidestep and do-si-do around bullshit.

 I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly, nor I am I trying to make anyone else uncomfortable/sad/whathaveyou. I'm just trying to
Deal with the reality of my life.
by being honest about it. 
Frank, even.

I get that my reality may be scary to some folks, or make others uncomfortable--
I try really hard to be aware of that, and do my best to compensate, but I don't always have it in me.

It's not very easy for me to pretend like everything is peachy when it's clearly not.

It takes a lot of fucking effort when I'm already trying to keep it together in a million other ways.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I don't want to burden anyone.

Here's the thing though-

I should be able to be honest about my struggles and I should be able to ask for help.

More importantly, I deserve genuine respect and compassion when I do so...

Maybe I am a bit more blunt and a little less pliable than usual, but if you were dealing with another high-risk pregnancy (your 5th), pregnancy nausea, a busy 2-yr-old, a possibility of cancer, financial worries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone injections that give you dizziness and hot flashes, AND the effects of depression, I'd bet good money that you wouldn't be too full of roses and sunshine either.

And just because I'm unmedicated, and therefore less able to filter-- doesn't mean that someone hasn't legitimately been less than awesome.


This is (HOPEFULLY) going to be a loooong pregnancy.


I need some ice cream.

Nooo....I am so NOT eating my feelings!

It's for the BABY.

Now I'm gonna go do like the cool toddlers do and NAP.

If you listen closely, you can hear the piles growing....the laundry is particularly prolific.  Day 6 of 365

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?


I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)

Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

There's that...
There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365


I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....



We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 2 and Already You're Jackin' up my PROGRAM...

I've been really stressed out this holiday season, for many reasons (I'll cover those later...)

but a big one?
Because holidays are frikken expensive.

The food
The traveling
The decor
The parties
My FIL's Bday
My Brother's Bday...

No matter how much I try to enact a "no gifts" edict, it NEVER works.
Simple and homemade?

I'm always over budget.
Sometimes by a little, but often by a lot....

So, I was looking forward to January 1st.

Holidays are OVAH annnnnd:
New Year, NEEEEEW Paycheck!

Except notsomuch....

My Huz gets paid on the 1st and the 15th of the month, with the exception of those falling on a weekend/holiday.

Then he gets paid the closest day before.
Makes sense, right?

We have Direct Deposit, so we always get a check stub, but not the actual check...



It's DifficultDiffucultLemonDIFFICULT....

Our stub came on on the 29th...I assumed that the DD would transfer into our account at 12am on the 30th.


Okay, the 31st then!


The 1st? A Sunday?


Alriiiight, the 2nd it is! Yay!


What the hell?

We have bills that were due as of the first....

Also? they took our insurance premiums out for December and January.

Uhhhh-Our Insurance didn't take effect til yesterday.


Is this how we're gonna start, 2012?

Poor form. sir. Poor Form!


It mocks me... Day 2 of 365

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012: The Fuuuuuutuuuuurrrre!

Is anyone else struck by how future-y twenty-twelve sounds?

No? Just me?

Okay, then.
Moving swiftly along....

I have a lot to say about 2011, and about my hopes for 2012, but for now, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!
Greetings from the FUTURE!!! We go to bed at 10pm.

Also? I'm finally gonna give the foto365 venture a go. Mostly as motivation to blog at least in some small way (probably via mah shiiiiny new iPhone),  on a daily basis.

Think I can do it?

Day 1 of 365!