Thursday, November 18, 2010

TOP Week 3: MIL

This post will not be what I originally envisioned because a sick toddler=off day.

My Mother-in-Law is rad.

She's beautiful and elegant. Always. It's inhuman.

She's an awesome shopping buddy.

She didn't care when I vomited/peed (at the same TIME) in her Mercedes while pregnant.

She's taught me the value of high-thread count sheets. IMPORTANT.

But mostly, I'm thankful for her because she's such an awesome grandmother to O.

These past few weeks that I've been out of commission have been hard for me. I hate not being the one to takes care of my son during the day, but I knew he was in loving hands, and that was crucial to my being able to rest and heal.

Thanks, Ma!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hurray! Let's make a baby!

My spouseface does NOT have cancer. He's not going to die, nor is fertility being snatched away from us...(see title)...

The lumps are not dangerous in the immediate future....BUT He is going to follow-up with a urologist yearly from here-on-out, just to monitor the situation.

That's the gist of things!
He's kinda uncomfortable with his "dudes" being discussed in my blog, so that is all I will say.

Thank you for all the love/prayers/good vibes etc. We really appreciate it.

All off this madness as of late has made me think about mortality and such--How short life is.

So much of my life has been set up on the "when this, THEN this" type of schedule.

I've found myself asking the question: Do we (the universal we) have the time to keep to that schedule?

I mean, obviously, sometimes we have to.
We have to pay our bills before we go shopping for shoes.

But are we always supposed to wait? Do things the "right" way?

Every fiber of my brain screams yes to that question. My heart, on the other hand, wants things a little out of order.

I totally want to have another child. (like NOW)

I'm afraid that if we wait 'til it's the "right" time (we've moved out, become debt-free, we're making more money, etc.) it will be the wrong time for my body.

I'm  turning 30 in a few months. That's not old, but it's pushing it for someone with CP and CFS in terms of healthy pregnancies.
[And my pregnancy with O kicked my ASS.]

Plus, as you may have noticed, I'm often plagued with health issues. This makes me nervous about taking a leisurely stroll toward a second child.

Maybe we won't be able to have a second child, but I'd like to give us the best chances to try. I want to be as young/healthy-ISH as I can be.

Also? I would like for O and his potential sibling to be close in age.

Maybe it's greedy to want another baby, but I do! Is it?!

(It's funny, I had always thought I'd have 4 children. But life had a different plan. Sigh.)

If we can't have another baby, I will ALWAYS be beyond grateful that we were able to have Owen, but it will break my heart if we miss out on the gift a second child because we were waiting for the "right time" to start to try.

After almost three years of the wrong things happening to us/in our lives, it feels like the "Right Way" is a myth.

With the news of our "freedom" as it were, it feels like we need to carpe diem this mess!

But as my ILs heads would explode if we had another baby under their roof, I doubt we'll be carpe-ing OR diem-ing any time soon.

Which makes me a little sad. Okay, a lot sad, if I'm honest.

But my Hubs is of the non-cancerous variety, so Yippeeeeeee!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

T.O.P Week 2: VU Sistas

 Words of thankfulness. Be a part.
My second note for Thankful on Paper is actually a group of notes (emails) to my:
VU Sistas.

Things have been a *smidge* stressful around here as of late, and shockingly, I haven't been all that cheerful. [See: "Ashes" and "The Tearing of Robes"]

But I do feel loved. I have gotten so many emails, FB posts/messages, texts/calls, blog comments, etc. wishing us well and sending us their prayers/love...

The hub of these messages come from a group of women I met in college.

I went to a small, conservative,  Christian University. For those of you who know me well, you might be asking yourself, what the HELL was she doing there?!

(It's a long story, for another time...)

Needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable and out of my element. I didn't belong to a church, hadn't grown up in one, came from basically a "Cops" episode in terms of my childhood, and had a sailor mouth. (still kinda do.) I had the audacity to show...CLEAVAGE. (Get behind thee behind me, Satan!) I was judged and judged HARSHLY.

I kinda hated life. Until I started to meet women who accepted me as I was, and loved me not just in spite of it, but because of it.

I have unique relationships with each one, and while some of the friendships may have been superficial or sporadic to start, over the years, every relationship has deepened and become special to me, and even as life takes us in different directions, I know that they will be there for me, as I will for them.

Every one of these women have entered a place in my heart not as my friends, but as my sisters.

[They know who they are :)]

At different points in the last 9 (almost 10, now, WOAH.) years (It's been a rough decade, to say the least), each woman has touched a part of my life, and has been there to lift me up when I couldn't lift myself.

Now as I've moved into wife and motherhood, they have celebrated and shared with me. Cheered me on and still, step in to not just lift me up in times of turmoil, but also my family.

Whether we talk mostly via FB or email, phone chats, or we see one another regularly, whether we remain friends till we're old and gray or get swept away from each other in the changes of time: 

I am so Thankful for these smart, gorgeous, funny, compassionate, kind, creative, loving, crazy women. I always will be. I love you all, and I hope I have been (and will be) the type of "sister" each of you have been to me.

We don't have Traveling Pants, or anything, but you all are magic in my life.

I may not have Luck, but I have amazing friends....which is kinda lucky.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Because I said I would!

While I sit on pins and needles waiting for Will to call me, who is waiting for the Doc to call HIM, let's turn our attention to something happier:

O's Halloweeny First Birthday Extravaganza!!!

I was panicked and stressed up until everyone arrived: The weather was awful, nixing our outside plans, Owen fell asleep right as people were supposed to arrive and tons of people canceled last minute-I thought we were DOOMED...

But you know what?

It turned out to be just what it should have been:


Here's a Looky:

Big hugs to everyone who helped make his day (and Daddy and Mommy's too) SPECIAL.
We love you all! Thanks for giving us yours!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It would be almost Funny...

If it didn't potentially involve cancer.

My Darling Hubs found a lump in his testicle.
On the 30th anniversary weekend of when his father discovered that HE had testicular cancer...
Awesome, right?

He went to the doctor yesterday, and was told that it was probably a blocked vesicle or something else of a non-cancery nature, but the doc can't be sure, and there is a family history....soooooo:

He's having an ultrasound this afternoon to try and confirm the nature of the lump.

Despite my best efforts, I vacillate between rage and despair.

I'm repeatedly telling myself that it's not cancer and that the tests are going to be fine, but even if they are (and I can't BREATHE until I know for sure)--

Are you efffing KIDDING ME? With all that we are struggling with, Life's just gonna throw a cancer-scare in there for shits and giggles? It's just too much.

I was already depressed as hell, and I can't say this is helping. Even poor hubby has cracked...

We need some pure, unadulterated, good fortune to come our way with a damn quickness. PLEASE.

If that weren't enough, they're trying to deny my insurance coverage.


I'm hoping it's just a clerical error, but I have yet to get on the phone with an actual person to find out. I loathe, LOATHE automated systems...

If they want more money, they are S-O-frikkenL. We don't have anymore money. Especially with all of the time Spouseface has had to take off given the various health upsets. I don't think he's gotten a full 40 hr check in two months, which is, ya know, "helpful" and stuff....

As far as post-surgical-update:

I'm doing okay. I had some complications with my pain meds and ended up in the ER on the Saturday night after my surgery, but they switched them and fixed that problem. The pain was FAR worse than I had expected, as was my lack of mobility and the fatigue. Thankfully, the pain is manageable now...I still can't bend, twist or pick up/carry O (which breaks my heart), but at  least I can finally walk around . The fatigue, however, is crushing me.

I suppose I should've seen that coming, given I already have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but I was still caught off-guard... (E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. Dead. Sadness.)...
maybe because lapro-surgery is made to sound so easy-peezy. It's not, just-so-you-know.

Sure, it's better than open surgery, but it's STILL MAJOR SURGERY. I think the fact that it's out-patient is a little dangerous, honestly.

That about sums it up. I'm pained, exhausted, kinda heartbroken (on many levels), and financially tapped OUT, but no gall bladder attacks or unexplained abdominal pain (the hernia), so HEY, that's great!

Or Something Like That....

Please keep my sweet Husbandface in your thoughts. We are doing are best to keep our chins up, and expect the best, but I know he's scared (I'm terrified), and we could use all the luck we can get. Hopefully the scans today are all negative (in the positive way) and happy.

I'll keep you updated...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

TOP Week 1: Husbandface.

Words of thankfulness. Be a part.

 My first note for Thankful on Paper was to my Husband. Why? 'Cos he's pretty frikken amazing.

If you read his guest post, or the  word "SexBee" has any meaning for you, then you probably know what I mean.

When we met in early 2005, we were both a mess. 
A jaded, scarred, and suspicious lot.
 There are times I am still dumbfounded that we managed to make it this far, but we had an unexplainable (if I'm honest-Strange) bond. 
No matter what happened, or how hard we tried to ignore it--it couldn't be shaken off.

Thank goodness we both had the sense to recognize how rare that is...  

It wasn't until we got married that I realized that I had never experienced unconditional love in action before. I had known only love that came with strings and caveats. He has shown me the life-changing difference between the two, and I am continually astounded at the gift that THAT is...

I am an all-or-nothing kind of creature. Survive or be killed, that's me.
He has a bit of a sunnier disposition....a bit more dramatic too, but whatever...(teasing. sorta.)
He keeps me balanced and from despairing in Humanity, a lot...
(You'd be surprised at how handy that can be!)

He is my best friend, and my Life Buddy. He is my Heart.
I am so Thankful he is mine.

He has patience when I do not.
He finds optimism when I can't.
He forgives me when I won't forgive myself.
I am so Thankful that he is mine.

My husband is not a Perfect man, any more than I am am a Perfect woman, but he has made me feel like I am perfection in his eyes. After so many years of being told that I was nothing, and worth even less, I can't even express how that has saved me.
I am so Thankful that he is mine.
I am so Thankful I am his.

(I love you, Querido.)

PS> It's not too LATE! Get your THANK on!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dear Santy...

Hey Mister C!

I know it's been awhile since we've had any correspondence, but it's never to late to reconnect, right?
I need a favor. I need you to bring me some big-ticket items this Holiday Season. Yes, I know I'm almost 30. I know you've got that happiness of children across the world to worry about...nonetheless. 
(Let's be honest, you can squeeze me in.)

I have been a very good girl and this has been a very hard year. 

Here is what I'd like for Christmas:

1. I want to be debt-free. No more credit card, student loan, or medical debt. It's gonna run you about a $100,000.00 but trust me, it'll be worth it.

2. A new car. Our Jetta is dying, and really? SO NOT a family car. We'd really like the Chevy HHR. We found a lovely pre-owned one a CarMax-making your job THAT much easier.

That's it! That's all I want...well, I'd love health insurance, but I'm trying to be realistic here.

As the Jolliest of all Elves, I know you can make this happen. Pull some strings, call your friends (Oprah has GOT to be on your speed dial, and she could do this in her SLEEP.), work your Kringly magic.

I could really use a Christmas miracle this year, sir. 

(And not to drag up the past, but this would TOTALLY make up for all the years you accidentally "missed" my house.)


PS. Fulfilling my Christmas Wish does not negate your duties to my son. He's not old enough to write letters or know who you are, but someday, he will. I would expect that his letters will be assessed fairly.

[In the event that this doesn't pan out, I've also written to Ellen.]

Thankfulness. It's easy when you think about it.

Friends! This is a lovely idea that I found thru my even lovelier friend, Rachel.
Gall-Gate 2010 has made me a little late to the game, but better late than never!

Let's do this THING!!!
This year, join me and be THANKFUL ON PAPER.

Here's how to get your THANK on:

*The 4 Wednesdays (beginning on Nov 3rd), leading up to Thanksgiving, I'm going to write one person and tell them I am thankful for them and why. I will send it to them them that day (or drop it off at their house) and hopefully express to them how much I care for them and how grateful I am that they are in my life. I would love you to do the same.
*The 4 Thursdays (beginning on Nov 4th), leading up to Thanksgiving, I will write a simple blog post about who I wrote to and why. On those Thursdays, I would love for you to join me and write a post.
*It's as easy as that! 
Who doesn't need a little love note these days? And to be reminded of our blessings now and then? 
Keeps me from becoming Mayor of DoomandGloomville...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Gimme Gimme Gimme some LOVIN'.

All the cool kids are doing it....

And by cool kids? I mean Andrea and Kacie. I strive to be as adorably cool as they are someday. Check them out!

Dearest Readers, Can I ask a favor? As you may have noticed, I changed some things in my neck of the blog woods...I thought that my followers and links would make a smooth transition.

Based on some emails of confusion I've received since, it seems I was mistaken...

So could you take a sec to re-follow me at the new url digs and/or BlogLovin'?
Just Plain Jayne.

New Look, Same Great Sarcasm!