Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Blog Posts from the EDGE.

Not to be melodramatical or anything, but I think I might be headed for a bit of a nervous break down...

If you've been reading along as of late, you know things aren't so peachy.

I'm a clinically depressed pregnant and unmedicated mama of a 2yo old with more than a dash of chronic illnesses...

Eh. Whatevs. Right? Right.

Then I found out I might have cancer.

Then someone rear-ended us and fucked up our car.

Then my Huz's Nana died.

I'm feeling tons of guilt on that front, b/c I loved his Nana and I so wish I could fly out with him for the funeral, but it's not my focus.

My focus is on the baby growing in my belly and the possible cancer that could be invading my reproductive system...


the boy got sick.
Then I got sick
All in the last week.

Now my husband is sick, and I'm just getting sicker. Pretty sure we all need antibiotics...

Also fairly certain I have an ear infection, and frankly, I want to crawl in bed and die.

All of that I can handle...

What I can't, is the email from my Ob's office informing me that the earliest I can expect biopsy results is tomorrow morning.

My Huz gets on a plane to West Virginia for his Nana's funeral tomorrow morning at 5 am...

So IF I get the call tomorrow, I'm going to be ALONE.

If it's good news, as in:

"Hey, it's still just severe pre-cancer, so no worries! We'll just do a hysterectomy after you deliver. Easy Peasy, gurl!"

Then I'll do a little dance with O, call my husband, and maybe, finally breathe. Through my mouth though, as my nose is filled with snot...

If it's bad news, as in:

"You have Cancer, and we need to discuss your 'options' in regards to your pregnancy and treatment"

I may just go off the deep-end.
I'm stretched a tad thin...

Send up some lovin' for me if you can.

Thanks so much to all of you who's been on top of that so awesomely already.

Love you crazy kids.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Last night we were rear-ended by a teenager.

((It was really fucking scary for a few minutes...the way car accidents usually are. Minutes that feel like eternity))

We're fine, the baby is fine, and our car is kinda fucked up.

Several hours, an exchange of information and an ER visit later, the accident was over...

But all I could think about was how that accident didn't bode well for today ...

At 1:30 I had my colposcopy.
First thing my OB said was:

This will take maybe 5 minutes--

It's safe for the baby, and we won't risk biopsying anything because of the potential harm to the pregnancy, UNLESS something is seen which could indicate the cells are already cancerous/invasive.

Fifteen minutes into them rooting around in my nether-regions, Dr. OB announces:

I need to do a biopsy.


I was told over and over that there would be NO biopsies unless they saw cancer...

They finish up, and he tells me to meet him in his office...

I lose my shit.

Sitting in his office I'm told that I have a field of severe precancerous cells present, which he had expected given the pap, but unfortunately he also saw with a small area where the cell changes were cause for "concern."

I'm panicked, guys.

My OB told me to stay calm, because possibly? It's nothing.

Or, ya know, it's CERVICAL CANCER.

The alarm over having cancer is secondary at best.

I just want to have my baby.

[Well, and not die from cancer, but I think that goes without saying...]

Stay Calm?

I'm having trouble with the idea of calm right now.

I should have definitive answers by the beginning of next week.

Keep a good thought for us, would you?

I sorta feel like I'm running out of air...

Monday, January 23, 2012

What's good, what's bad and what could be...

I kept waiting to write this post until I had all the answers and certainties that I needed to be clear/concise/informational...

Then I realized if I didn't get it all off my chest, I might explode.

I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but Pregnancy and I were just not meant to be BFFs.

This truly saddens me to my core.

(PS, Before anyone freaks out, I am STILL pregnant.)

If you need to catch up, go here
I'll wait, no big....

Okay, so now that we're all up on the haps, here we go!

As of today, I've made it to 12 weeks.
I had a 2nd ultrasound last week and the baby is Healthy and Busy!

This is the good.

The bad is this-

I finally got some answers on the dodgy pap situation....

Little PSA for a sec, ladies?

Get your Paps regularly!!!
It's so freaking important.
Last year?
My Pap was a clean a whistle.
This year?
Not so much.
Anything can change in a year, you never know. Stay on top of it and get checked!

I found out that I have severe precancerous cells in my cervix.
The technical term is High Grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions (HGSIL).

Sounds comforting, right?

As it has been explained to me by my OBGYN--These cells will turn into cancer (if they haven't already) if not removed.

Typically, they would just go in and surgically remove the cells immediately without any real issue....

but the procedure can't be performed on a pregnant woman without killing the baby.


Since I can't even be biopsied without jeopardizing the baby's health, my OBGYN will be doing a  a colposcopy to determine how invasive the cells are--which will decide whether or not I can wait to deliver the baby and then be treated.

My colposcopy is scheduled for this Thursday.  My OBGYN has said that his plan is to wait to treat me until after the birth, unless the results show that the HGSIL has crossed over into cancer territory.

Then we have to make some "decisions."
Read: Terminate the pregnancy

{Further recommended treatment btw? A hysterectomy. Yep.}

I've already have many friends tell me stories of how someone they knew went through the exact same thing, and everything was just fine, but I can't help but be well, terrified.

I watched my mother go through this a t 34.  And it wasn't fine. Not at all.

I'm really afraid that it won't be fine. 
That as usual, I'll defy statistics and it will be bad...

All I really care about at this point is delivering my child safely and healthily.
If that means I have to forsake my reproductive system, than so be it.

Do I want to be wombless a nd menopausal at 31? 
Can't say that I do...
But I would rather be that then have to abort my child.

Cause, guys?
As much as everyone has been trying to dance around it with me?

That's my child in there.
With fingers and toes, and a face.
I've seen the baby move.

If the worst news comes my way and it is actual cancer and not just starter-cancer, and I can do it without killing myself, I will ride the pregnancy out for as long as I possibly can to give my child a chance to live.

I believe strongly in that.

If it means more aggressive treatment for me after the baby is born, than that will be what I have to do.

Because the other option is a death sentence.

Maybe not for me, but one all the same.

People conveniently leave that out a lot.

And to make the choice  to "Save Myself" would feel like the worst thing I'd ever done.


But it's going to be fine, right?

Holy fuck, I hope so.

Trying to squeeze some happiness outta this ordeal

Friday, January 6, 2012

Exhaustion and A Soapbox.


I'm so tired.
Mind-numbingly so.

I forgot how exhausting it is for me (hell, most of us) to grow a tiny human.

Right before Christmas, everything was shiny, clean, and organized.

After the holiday and a week of guests, it looks like a bomb went off...
Piles like this are everywhere! 4 of 356

I need to get things back in order.
I need to put away dunes of laundry.
I need to scrub out the fridge before it starts taking hostages.


Just the basics of getting through the day with O saps all my energy.

He's fed, mostly clean (I kid) and loved, so I'm winning at life, right?

[Shout out to Disney Jr. and PBS for their supportive roles in this endeavor...ahem...]
Oh, Mickey...Thanks for inviting us to your clubhouse! 5 of 365

When he naps, I nap.
And keeping my eyes open after 9pm is quite the feat...

I miss my meds.

Aside from helping me manage the mental loops of depression, they were instrumental in managing the physical effects of not only depression, but of chronic illness/pain/fatigue.

Which I often feel are more damaging to my well-being then the mental side effects...

Quitting them cold-turkey has been a royal bitch.

The headaches alone...

But the thing I hate the most?
The way I'm treated off my meds...

(DISCLAIMER: it's not everyone and it's not all the time, but it's prevalent enough to be an established pattern)

Any emotion I have is typically treated as a farce.

It's that unspoken but CLEARLY stated attitude of:

"Pay no mind to her, she's off her meds."

Particularly if I'm upset about something...

Oh, we didn't actually hurt your feelings, disrespect your opinion, ignore your pain, or make you angry, you're just hormonal and unmedicated.

You poor thing, you.

Don't you worry though, we'll grin and bear it.

For you!

Well, isn't that fucking special.

I'm not mentally incompetent, people.
There is actual validity to my emotions.

Now, I will be the first to admit that off my meds and dependent on my level of stress, my patience wears thinner and my temper fuse is shorter, but the biggest thing that changes is my ability to  
smile and fake it.

I completely lose that ability to diplomatically sidestep and do-si-do around bullshit.

 I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly, nor I am I trying to make anyone else uncomfortable/sad/whathaveyou. I'm just trying to
Deal with the reality of my life.
by being honest about it. 
Frank, even.

I get that my reality may be scary to some folks, or make others uncomfortable--
I try really hard to be aware of that, and do my best to compensate, but I don't always have it in me.

It's not very easy for me to pretend like everything is peachy when it's clearly not.

It takes a lot of fucking effort when I'm already trying to keep it together in a million other ways.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I don't want to burden anyone.

Here's the thing though-

I should be able to be honest about my struggles and I should be able to ask for help.

More importantly, I deserve genuine respect and compassion when I do so...

Maybe I am a bit more blunt and a little less pliable than usual, but if you were dealing with another high-risk pregnancy (your 5th), pregnancy nausea, a busy 2-yr-old, a possibility of cancer, financial worries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone injections that give you dizziness and hot flashes, AND the effects of depression, I'd bet good money that you wouldn't be too full of roses and sunshine either.

And just because I'm unmedicated, and therefore less able to filter-- doesn't mean that someone hasn't legitimately been less than awesome.


This is (HOPEFULLY) going to be a loooong pregnancy.


I need some ice cream.

Nooo....I am so NOT eating my feelings!

It's for the BABY.

Now I'm gonna go do like the cool toddlers do and NAP.

If you listen closely, you can hear the piles growing....the laundry is particularly prolific.  Day 6 of 365

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?


I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)

Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

There's that...
There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365


I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....



We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Day 2 and Already You're Jackin' up my PROGRAM...

I've been really stressed out this holiday season, for many reasons (I'll cover those later...)

but a big one?
Because holidays are frikken expensive.

The food
The traveling
The decor
The parties
My FIL's Bday
My Brother's Bday...

No matter how much I try to enact a "no gifts" edict, it NEVER works.
Simple and homemade?

I'm always over budget.
Sometimes by a little, but often by a lot....

So, I was looking forward to January 1st.

Holidays are OVAH annnnnd:
New Year, NEEEEEW Paycheck!

Except notsomuch....

My Huz gets paid on the 1st and the 15th of the month, with the exception of those falling on a weekend/holiday.

Then he gets paid the closest day before.
Makes sense, right?

We have Direct Deposit, so we always get a check stub, but not the actual check...



It's DifficultDiffucultLemonDIFFICULT....

Our stub came on on the 29th...I assumed that the DD would transfer into our account at 12am on the 30th.


Okay, the 31st then!


The 1st? A Sunday?


Alriiiight, the 2nd it is! Yay!


What the hell?

We have bills that were due as of the first....

Also? they took our insurance premiums out for December and January.

Uhhhh-Our Insurance didn't take effect til yesterday.


Is this how we're gonna start, 2012?

Poor form. sir. Poor Form!


It mocks me... Day 2 of 365

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012: The Fuuuuuutuuuuurrrre!

Is anyone else struck by how future-y twenty-twelve sounds?

No? Just me?

Okay, then.
Moving swiftly along....

I have a lot to say about 2011, and about my hopes for 2012, but for now, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!
Greetings from the FUTURE!!! We go to bed at 10pm.

Also? I'm finally gonna give the foto365 venture a go. Mostly as motivation to blog at least in some small way (probably via mah shiiiiny new iPhone),  on a daily basis.

Think I can do it?

Day 1 of 365!