Monday, January 23, 2012

What's good, what's bad and what could be...

I kept waiting to write this post until I had all the answers and certainties that I needed to be clear/concise/informational...

Then I realized if I didn't get it all off my chest, I might explode.

I have said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but Pregnancy and I were just not meant to be BFFs.

This truly saddens me to my core.

(PS, Before anyone freaks out, I am STILL pregnant.)

If you need to catch up, go here
I'll wait, no big....

Okay, so now that we're all up on the haps, here we go!

As of today, I've made it to 12 weeks.
I had a 2nd ultrasound last week and the baby is Healthy and Busy!

This is the good.

The bad is this-

I finally got some answers on the dodgy pap situation....

Little PSA for a sec, ladies?

Get your Paps regularly!!!
It's so freaking important.
Last year?
My Pap was a clean a whistle.
This year?
Not so much.
Anything can change in a year, you never know. Stay on top of it and get checked!

I found out that I have severe precancerous cells in my cervix.
The technical term is High Grade Squamous Intraepithelial Lesions (HGSIL).

Sounds comforting, right?

As it has been explained to me by my OBGYN--These cells will turn into cancer (if they haven't already) if not removed.

Typically, they would just go in and surgically remove the cells immediately without any real issue....

but the procedure can't be performed on a pregnant woman without killing the baby.


Since I can't even be biopsied without jeopardizing the baby's health, my OBGYN will be doing a  a colposcopy to determine how invasive the cells are--which will decide whether or not I can wait to deliver the baby and then be treated.

My colposcopy is scheduled for this Thursday.  My OBGYN has said that his plan is to wait to treat me until after the birth, unless the results show that the HGSIL has crossed over into cancer territory.

Then we have to make some "decisions."
Read: Terminate the pregnancy

{Further recommended treatment btw? A hysterectomy. Yep.}

I've already have many friends tell me stories of how someone they knew went through the exact same thing, and everything was just fine, but I can't help but be well, terrified.

I watched my mother go through this a t 34.  And it wasn't fine. Not at all.

I'm really afraid that it won't be fine. 
That as usual, I'll defy statistics and it will be bad...

All I really care about at this point is delivering my child safely and healthily.
If that means I have to forsake my reproductive system, than so be it.

Do I want to be wombless a nd menopausal at 31? 
Can't say that I do...
But I would rather be that then have to abort my child.

Cause, guys?
As much as everyone has been trying to dance around it with me?

That's my child in there.
With fingers and toes, and a face.
I've seen the baby move.

If the worst news comes my way and it is actual cancer and not just starter-cancer, and I can do it without killing myself, I will ride the pregnancy out for as long as I possibly can to give my child a chance to live.

I believe strongly in that.

If it means more aggressive treatment for me after the baby is born, than that will be what I have to do.

Because the other option is a death sentence.

Maybe not for me, but one all the same.

People conveniently leave that out a lot.

And to make the choice  to "Save Myself" would feel like the worst thing I'd ever done.


But it's going to be fine, right?

Holy fuck, I hope so.

Trying to squeeze some happiness outta this ordeal


Stasha said...

Oh, Mama.

I am terrified FOR you. I can not even begin to imagine how scary this is for you.

I am sending you positive thoughts and good juju.

Here if you need me.

thepsychobabble said...

If it comes to that, it is your choice. Either way. And I hope that you find support. Either way. Because either way? It would be a hard choice.

everydaymomma said...

I'm praying for you and that precious blessing, it will be ok. You are a strong lady!

Jenna said...

i love you. and i love that you didnt dance around the subjects today. and im SO with you on the decisions you are considering making (if things come to that). Sending the doctors loads of wisdom vibes, and peace for your heart, and a dear sweet little baby who grows and grows and grows. im reading, and listening, and praying.

Lindsay said...

Oh. I'm so glad you put this out there. Thoughts, prayers, and smooshy snuggly baby vibes.

he calls me wifey said...

my love, my heart is breaking for you. but damn, girl, you are strong. one of the strongest women i know and you will get through this. you may not be fine, and it may be cancer, and it may mean the worst, but you are strong and you are loved and you are amazing. my heart, my love, my prayers be with you.

i love you and i am always here for you.

Danna said...

I am here for ya my dear! The picture of you is beautiful, hot mama! I pray that all is well, that the pregnancy continues without any bumps, that everything is just fine. Please keep me posted on how things go and I will keep praying. xoxo

Chibi said...

Oh, dear heart. :( So much love and prayers and healthy thoughts and good juju coming your way.

(THIS is precisely why I refuse to adhere to the province's once-every-two-years pap rule. Waaaaay too much can develop in a year. You are SO right.)

Shanon said...

So scary for you. Hugs, prayers and hoping all goes well.

Leighannn said...

Look at your new site!
AND YES.. it's going to be okay. How do I know? I don't .. but I believe!
I have faith.
And I trust that it will.

Crown'd Vic said...

Oh my. hang in there. take it one day at a time. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU'VE GOT THIS!!! and everything happens for a reason, be it one we like or not. which is a stupid cliche that probably brings you no peace whatsoever. but I wanted to say it. I'd say have a glass of wine...but yeah.... have a bar of chocolate!
Keeping you in my thoughts!