The Notorious B.I.N.K.

O was never supposed to be a binky baby.

But in trying to teach him to latch, the hospital nurses gave him one, and the love affair began...

A boy and his bink.
Inseparable.
ADORABLE.

Now, he's almost 2 and a half.

He still loooooves his bink.

In the last few months however, his bink is the thorn in my side.

It's the ONLY thing that calms him down.

It's a battle at mealtimes.

Also? The Huz had started throwing disapproving harrumphs in my general direction...

Friday night as he screamed at me because I took it out of his mouth for dinner, I decided I'd HAD it.

So I took binky and he didn't get it back.

I figured if we were able to go binky-less Fri-Sun, we would be free from the bondage of binky.

Simple, right?

(Silly, naive mommy.)

We made it through bed (after an epic meltdown) Friday night and all day Saturday.

He was miserable, I was miserable and Mr. Harrumphs-a-lot was suddenly singing the "he's just a baby" tune.

I felt like a monster, and my turncoat of a husband was not helping, but I was determined!

We were going to kick this habit!!

Saturday night, we put him down to bed and the hysterics ensued, but 20 minutes later he was asleep.

Success!
It was getting better!
It was WORKING!


You know, or not...

We went in to check on him before we went to bed, and guess who was happily snoring away in his bed with a bink stuck in his gob?

Yep.
My darling angelboy.
I swear he stashed that sucker...

Honestly?

I almost cried.

I felt like we were back at square one and all his tears were for nothing.

So we took it while he slumbered, and resolved to start tomorrow anew.

Hurray.

We made it till about 2pm this afternoon...

Huz decided he wanted to go to Disneyland.

(he's all sad-sack b/c our passes expire soon and we're not renewing)

I said nay to this excursion because it was supposed to be cold and rainy.

He insisted I was wrong, and off we went...

A couple hours later we were loading our wet and miserable selves back into the car.

Ahem.

O was soaked and tired, but not not so much so that he couldn't still be righteously pissed about leaving Mickey's House....

Awesome.

It was obvious that he needed to fall asleep, but he was fighting it with all his stubborn fury.

I caved, people.
I just did.

I was tired, drenched and pregnant.
30 minutes of screaming all the way home?

Fuck and NO.

So we gave him a bink.

Thirty Seconds.
I kid you not...
He was OUT.

We've now decided to only give it to him at nap/bedtime, removing it as soon as he falls asleep.

We hoping to then take it away at naptime and so on...

We'd tried this method before, to no avail, but maybe this will be more successful because he's a bit older...

He doesn't give a rip about rewards or binky boxes, paci-fairies, bigboy speeches or the like....

You put holes in it?
Whatevs.

He is COMMITTED.
And obstinate.
Basically, he's me.

Annnd we have a girl on the way?

I fear I have tread into deep shit...


Potty training may kill us all.
(He has ZERO interest in that, btw.)

Diapers for Everyone!!

Weekend Update....Sigh.

I'm having a serious blogging crisis, which I'm not even sure how to post about, so I'll get into that later...

Since it's been awhile though, I did want to check in--keep everybody updated on our ummmmm, errrrrm progress?

Yesterday was the one monthaversary of Huz' unemployment.
Obviously, it was an understated celebration....harumph.

He's been applying every day since he lost his job, he's been going to an employment resource center 2x a week, and he's been going to job fairs.

A dear friend even took the time to lend us her professional eye and rehauled his resume...

Annnnd, NADA.

Not even a call back.

As an added bonus?

My student loan payments went up another $200 a month.
(Found out that little gem out the day Husband lost his job.)

Sallie Mae doesn't give  a rat's ASS about my no-income situation.
I was basically told to pay up or default.

HELPFUL.

We're feeling GREAT about life.

It's only been a month, right?
Right?
Right....
(as I look nervously at my expanding belly)

We did qualify for unemployment, and got our first check in the mail today....

A whopping $342.00!

I'd laugh at the amount if we didn't need it so badly.

It's SOMETHING, so I have to focus on that.

My Medi-Cal situation is kiiiinda settled, in that I am eligible for prenatal MC, but not fully instated because their records still show that I have alternate coverage.


I dropped off our termination letter to the offices last week after FINALLY getting it from Kaiser (who took their sweet time), but when I called the MC offices, they said that the whole thing could take up to 20 business days to process....

Awesome!

So I'm in limbo, but my OB agreed to see me and just backdate for as long as he can.

Baby is doing well, and is healthy from what they can tell.

It's a GIRL btw (for those of you who don't follow facebook or twitter)!!

At least they're 90% sure it's a girl....

The last US I was able to have was right at 17wks, so they said it was a bit early, but the tech was super confident.

As she put it:
Nothing was popping UP. Ha!

I'll be 20 weeks on Monday, and I have an appt. with the Perinatalogist on the 4th.

He'll be able to do a much more thorough/detailed scan then.

But so far, everything looks good!

Physically, I'm feeling okayish.
I'm exhausted all the time, and the joint pain has already kicked into high gear, so I know I've got  A LOT to look forward to in the coming months!

I'm excited, but not as ecstatic as I thought I would be.
I mean, I'm thrilled we're having a girl...I'm thrilled we're having a BABY, but I think my enthusiasm/joy is clouded by stress and depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it.

Asking myself Again and Again: Where did we go so wrong?

I keep wondering/questioning, even praying:
When the FUCK are things going to ACTUALLY turn around for us?

Every time we pass by the apartment complex that we were supposed to move into, my stomach just sinks, and I feel that sting of tears behind my eyes....

Unpacking our boxes gutted us both.

It's been a really long and ugly month.
We're trying very hard to plaster a smile on our faces and soldier forward.

Whenever someone asks how we are, we say:
We're hanging in there! Trying to stay positive, and looking forward to whatever opportunity comes our way!

Which is true.
Sort of...

In the quiet moments of the day, when we're alone?

We feel stuck.
Scared.
Angry.
Heartbroken.


This pattern of two steps forward, 3 steps back has plagued us for too long.

It's no longer about my husband just finding a good job.

For us to actually move in  FORWARD motion?

He needs a fucking miracle job.
We need a sweepstakes win.
We need magic.

Since magic, miracles and Ed McMahon seem to be outta our reach, the plan is for the Huz to find a full-time job, get settled in that schedule and then take on a night/weekend job, and just begin digging our way to the top of some semblance of stability.

Piece of cake, no?

Jobs are just RIPE for the picking!
Snort.
(are we working the wrong field?)

People keep telling me that our break is just around the corner, good things happen to good people, etc....

I sure hope so.

But I think we're going to be stuck for a long damn time.

We haven't any other choice than to just keep trudging through the shit we've got and to make the best of it.

I'm honestly not sure how to keep doing that.

But we'll figure it out.

Key thing about parenthood is that it takes quitting COMPLETELY OFF the table.

Annoying, right?
Ha.






As usual, thanks to all of you who've checked in with us, offered commiseration, and are generally rooting for us.

We really appreciate all  the support.