Monday, May 28, 2012

A Case of The Angries

My husband and I are pissed.
At everything.
Usually- at each other.

It sucks.

Don't get me wrong.

We've had our fights over the years and some have been doozies, necessary ones even, but this is different.

It's daily snipes, annoyances, and small rages that blow over quickly, but but happen all. the. time., leaving us both feeling badly.

The worst part?
The fights are often about nothing.

We both feel angry and stressed and worried and trapped.

Not with/in our marriage, but in our situation.

Which isn't anything new, but the weight is catching up with us in a big, squabbly way...

He's angry that he doesn't have a job.
I'm angry he doesn't have a job.

We're angry that he's applying for jobs daily, but with every app he puts in-- there are literally 200-300 people applying right along with him.

("helpful" new feature on CareerBuilder)

We're angry that instead of moving forward, we're falling behind again, never having moved AHEAD in the first place.

We're angry that our pregnancy can't just be joyful and exciting, because we're too scared shitless about the future...

There's a lot of anger.
That's mostly fear.

We are trying desperately to hold on to gratitude and hope, but the anger-fear is bubbling over.

There are plucky optimistic days, but they're dwindling.

So we find ourselves cagey and irritable, unable to stop ourselves...

Exploding over little things, because there's not a lot of control over the big things.

Maybe it's normal.
To feel this way for awhile.

Perhaps we'll ride the this period of discontent out, and end up with a calmer perspective?

In the meantime, we just have to try and not kill one another.

Because you always hurt the ones you love.

And I really lurrrrve my husband.
I know the feeling is mutual.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

2.5 years...

So when O is 5 and P is 2ish?

And I start chattering on about how I want another baby?

Do a girl a solid and just slap a bitch.

I cannot do this again.

As I'm sure I'll get momnesia, and spout drivel like:

"But vasectomies are reversible, and we're so YOUNG..."

Step in, friends.
Cut that shit off at the pass.

I am fucking miserable.

Which I HATE saying because I feel so incredibly LUCKY to be having a 2nd child.

I know their are women out there who would give their left tit to be where I am, and I wouldn't give this, or my coming daughter up for the WORLD, but never again.

I was miserable with O too.

I didn't have any idea what pregnancy would be like for me with Cerebral Palsy, Chronic Pain, Depression, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on top of just the general issues that all women experience while pregnant...

Needless to say, it was a party.

A pain-filled, excruciating and exhausting party.

I learned quickly that my body was not quite designed to be pregnant, and getting...or should I say STAYING pregnant just made it angry.


Knowing before O was even born that despite it all, I would want to do it again...

I had really hoped that if I could finally get through a full term pregnancy, maybe the 2nd time around would be easier.

My body would be acclimated.
The transition would be waaay easier.
Be like riding a bike, right?

[side-note? I can't ride a bike. Oops.]

Ummm, yeah. Not so much.

We're back to a world of pain and mind-numbing exhaustion.

New and Improved with a Toddler and an unemployed husband!


Yesterday was a bad day.
I was so tired, I couldn't see straight, so the Huz convinced me to get in my recliner and take a nap...

But everything hurt.
And I just wanted to lay down like a normal person.

Wrangling my ass into bed was no easy feat, and I knew it was a bad idea, but I was determined to LAY DOWN.

My body and joints said NAY.
And the endeavor ended in tears.
Plus profanity.

Most days are like this and it gets a little harder every week...

[C'mon July 30th!]

But I love being a mom, and we felt it was really important for O to have a sibling.

I can't wait to meet P.
To squeeze her.
To festoon her little head with bows.
To watch O and P grow up together.

All of this is worth it.
For all of that.


I start getting baby fever for #3?

Put your back into it.
For my sake.

Unless we're adopting.
Shut up.
Totally different.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Restful Regression

A post or so ago, I mentioned our struggles with O's sleep...I'd link it, but I'm doing this from my later...

The basic gist?
He wasn't sleeping.

I finally decided the problem was an issue of freedom.

Not lighting (blackout shades)
Toys (all taken out)
Or even scheduling (for the most part)

It's that he could get out whenever the hell he felt like it.

And did.
And jumped
And rolled
And played

After months of -5am wake ups & no naps, I kinda snapped...

So I made Husband set up his pack n play & we plopped him in it.

Guess what?

He slept.
And he napped.

Holy shit.

Yes, he threw a hissy at first, but for the most part?

It's totally worked.


Instead of taking an hour+ for him to fall asleep at bed time & waking up at 5am or before, he now takes maybe 30 mins at night & wakes between 6-6:45 am!


Nap time is still a bit tricky (like today, he refused to nap), but over the last 2 weeks, it usually takes about 30 minutes of him chatting it up with himself & then he falls asleep!


I am a genius.

Then my Huz came in with his worried face--like he does, & started talking about O "regressing."

As in going from a big-boy bed back to a baby crib, of sorts...

Wasn't that a bad thing?
And what about when the Baby comes?
He'll be almost 3!


Honestly, if it were up to ME, he'd probably still be sleeping in bed with us...but that's another subject...

And the only reason we moved him from his crib when we did is because he started climbing out of it & his Pediatrician scared the bejeezus out of us...

So I was not AT all bothered by putting him in the pack n play (can't get a climbing grip on mesh walls, sucker!).

I mean, let's focus here:

That was the important thing, right?

As far as Baby Girl, she'd be sleeping with us for the 1st 6 months at least, so no worries there...

And I repeat:
He's sleeping!

That's all she wrote, folks...
All other arguments are invalid.

But then...
Like you do...

I started worrying that maybe this COULD be hampering his development somehow...


After thinking long and hard about it, I've come to a decision:

You know what hampers development?

Sleep deprivation and over-tired mamas.

The pack n play it IS.

One more time for effect:

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Salt meets Water
The deep

A heady cocktail
Of Shame and grace

Salt meets Water
A drop

A mercurial elixir
Of Grief and comfort

Salt meets Water
and the tide swells beyond the Keep