I have
Cerebral Palsy. I know I've mentioned it in various posts (like this
one, that
one, or yep, that
one), but I realized today over coffee with one of my close friends, as she was asking me about my experience with it, that I've never
explained it in my blog...
[Take a second to read the info on the Mayo Clinic page, if you want. I like that site because it lays things out very clearly and concisely.]
If you're wondering which things apply to me, here's a short list:
- Variations in muscle tone-stiffness/weakness
- Stiff muscles and exaggerated reflexes (spasticity)
- Lack of muscle coordination (ataxia)
- Tremors or involuntary movements
- Slow, writhing movements (athetosis)
- Delays in reaching motor skills milestones (as an infant) , such as pushing up on arms, sitting up alone or crawling
- Favoring one side of the body, such as reaching with only one hand or dragging a leg while crawling-My right side is my weak side and my arm will hang and/or my leg will drag, especially when I'm tired or in pain.
- Difficulty walking, such as walking on toes, a crouched gait, a scissors-like gait with knees crossing or a wide gait-Before my surgery, I was on my toes and crouched...nearly impossible to walk that way.
- Difficulty with precise motions, such as picking up a crayon or spoon-Or holding a pencil, handling scissors, typing, buttoning/zipping/snapping etc. As a kid I went thru a lot of PT to learn how to do those things, and I still get frustrated while doing it from time-to-time...particularly when you add a squirming toddler to the equation.
The lack of explanation is partly because it's a difficult disorder to explain, affecting each of us that has it a bit differently, partly because
I don't even fully understand it, and mostly because that is not how I want people to "see" me.
A brief history of Me and CP:
I was born about 3 months early.
I was 2 lbs. 6oz.
I needed surgery right away (and lived in a incubator for the first few months)...My heart and lungs were underdeveloped.
They told my mother that I wouldn't live through the night.
When I did, then they said I wouldn't last the week.
As I proved I was going to be around awhile, then it turned into:
She'll be mentally handicapped, she won't talk, she won't walk. and so on....
I talked very early. And from what I was saying, it was clear that I was very smart.
But I didn't
walk. I didn't move very well at all.
When I was 2 and a half, they diagnosed me with Cerebral Palsy.
Along with that was more of what I wouldn't do...and leg-braces and walkers and wheelchairs and the mine-field that is the school-yard playground.
When I was 7 years old, a surgeon decided that I would be a candidate for this experimental surgery. It was risky, but it was free. It in my childhood mind, offered the possibility of being
normal.
Yeah, it could backfire, and I could never walk again or DIE, but WHAT-EVER.
Sign me UP!
The recovery from surgery was hell. It was long and excruciating and exhausting. Add in the
less-than picturesque environment that was my home life, and I wasn't sure I was going to make it.
It took about 2 -3 years to get to the place I now (more or less) find myself physically. I had to relearn to sit, crawl, walk, the whole shebang. but the first day I went to school without a walker or braces or orthopedic shoes was one of the best days of my life.
YET,
I spent most of my childhood as the "handicapped" girl. The "retarded" girl. The "girl who walks funny" girl.
And I was bitter. I still was in pain. I still had tremors and a limp (among other things).
I still was never going to be an Olympic gymnast/ballerina/high-heel wearing supermodel.
I was never going to climb a tree. Or ride a bike.
People looked at me with that "Ohhh, she's special" look of pity on their faces...
It pissed me off
royally. You mean I went through all of that for
NOTHING?
(
Being told that I was worthless at home really wasn't helping either)
Fuck me.
But then I pulled my head out of my ass and realized that the only way I was going to have a life is if I got the hell outta dodge and ignored all the voices said:
NO You Can't.
So I fought it. Lied about it even....I didn't have Cerebral Palsy, I just had been in a car accident. People seemed to accept and deal with that easier than CP. I did my best to hide my symptoms, and always tried to act like I was fine. If I was hurting, I tried not to show it. If I needed help, I would have rather injured myself than ask for it*. I avoided situations where my condition would be glaringly apparent.
I refused to apply for a handicapped placard. To me, that was like pinning a big scarlet
H to my blouse. Hell to the no.**
I pushed myself and did things that I probably shouldn't have, but I was so desperate to just be like everyone else. To prove to myself that I wasn't trapped by my disability.
There are times that I did feel trapped. That I felt sorry for myself. I still do, occasionally.
But I know that I am so very lucky.
That it could have been so much worse.
Sure, I need help putting on socks and shoes, and it's hard for me to do certain things that most people take for granted, but at least I can feed myself. At least I can breathe on my own...there are those with CP that can't.
I do fear the future, what getting old will be like for me. For my husband and children. I worry that my son will miss out on things because of his mother's limitations, I worry that my husband will too, for that matter.
Sometimes, my fears overwhelm me, and I feel defeated. But I constantly remind myself that I so lucky...To have overcome so much. To have been able to live the life I wanted. To have amazing friends. To have a loving husband and beautiful son.
It took me a long time to accept that I had Cerebral Palsy, (and as such, there would be complications/limitations-I was gonna have to tackle life in a different fashion than I'd hoped) and a long time to not try and hide it.
I now am very upfront about who I am...as you may have noticed...ahem....perhaps...
I'm so happy that I finally let myself do that. It's made me a better person.
That being said...
The General Public can often be unkind to those who are disabled:
They often treat you like you're contagious, or that you somehow did this to yourself. Like you're not a whole person. They ask rude questions and make idiotic assumptions.
I had a guy who told me once:
I really like you, but I could never date a cripple. I said:
Well, I could never date an asshole, so no hard feelings.
My husband was once asked if he married me because he had a fetish for gimps.
TRUE STORY.
(It's a miracle that individual remained alive....)
I don't mind if people ask questions. If they want to know more about my condition-what it is, what causes it, etc., but a little tip? Don't lead into your queries with:
"What's wrong with you?" Or,
"So, are you like, retarded?"
It will not end well. When asking questions, be respectful. Or I will make you sorry.
(In all seriousness, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! I'll do my best to answer them!)
*If I'm being honest, I fall into that pattern of behavior still now and then because I don't want to be a burden, or be seen as weak. It's something I continually work on.
**I want to be very clear about something:
I have an enormous respect for the Disabled community. I was wrong to be ashamed of my disability. I was wrong to hide it/lie about it. No one should ever be ashamed of something like that. I was frustrated and afraid. I was made to feel like a burden by the people who were supposed to be caring for me. I just wanted to be treated like a person, and as a child/teenager, denying my CP was the only way I thought I could be. I would never want a young person with any sort of disability to read this blog and think that they should do that too. Be proud of who you are. Don't hide and don't lie. Be honest with the world and yourself. That's a more fulfilling life that faking it could ever get you.
