Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The "Waiting Game" is not one of my favorites...

Now that the Medi-Cal process is fully underway, and I have my first prenatal appointment set up for this Friday, I feel as though I'm just sitting on my hands...

I HATE that. I'm not good with waiting, as I am verrrrrrrrry impatient. My appointment just can not come fast enough. I'm dying to know just how far along I am (the initial assessment being 5-6 weeks), to make sure my pap is clean, and to know that everything looks healthy and on track with the baby.

I'm terrified that something will be wrong. My mom was diagnosed with Cervical, Ovarian, and Uterine cancer when she was 34. Since it was probably there for much longer than when she suspected, as opposed to when she FINALLY went to see a doctor, she had to have full hysterectomy. Thankfully, she'd already had 3 children.

Since she and I shared common menstruation issues/maladies, I've been holding my breath for my turn to get cancer as well....at every annual pap, I cross my fingers.

Now that I'm having a baby, every worst-case-scenario runs circles around my brain.

Add the cancer worry to the fact that I've already suffered a miscarriage in 2003 AND the complications that could, and probably will, arise from my Cerebral Palsy...it's enough to make my head explode with paranoia.

I'm trying my best not to "what-if" myself to death.

I know that it's pretty useless to worry about things that may not even be there, but I can't help myself!

I'm just so excited about this baby! It feels like a miracle.

My husband and I had already started having the "so-we're-not-going-to-be-able-to have-babies" convo this January...

With our financial situation the way it is, and the economy seemingly getting worse everyday, we knew that it would be at least several years before we were stable enough to even entertain the thought of a baby, which was not really going work in our favor.

While most would consider 2.5 weeks shy of 28 still very young, for me, it's not...in terms of childbirth, that is.

Because of my Cerebral Palsy, I was told that pregnancy and labor would be very difficult for me, and the younger that I could have children the better. The same can be said for Chronic fatigue, which I also have, and then we've got the high risk of cancer, so again, we're back to the adage of "younger is better."

All of those things and knowing that for anyone, risks increase with age (staring at minimally 30, and increasing from there, in even healthy women), I did not want to start having children past the age of 32. Even that, for me, was pushing it. I was just not willing to put myself or the baby at risk, rare or otherwise.

This is not to say that I judge women who DO choose to have children later. This was personal choice for me, given my health issues and family history.

So, yes, we'd pretty much given up. We wanted to do the "right" thing, the responsible thing.

Too late for that now!

Money be damned, we're having a baby!

I hope.

I realllly REEALLLY hope.

Because despite my best efforts, I'm already in love.

1 comment:

Maria said...

Oh boy!(or girl)haha.
i simply LOVE that last line. so much is said in such few words.
i know how bad you've wanted this and now it's finally happening!
all the best to you, will, and baby :)