Thursday, April 16, 2009

Paranoia, Party of 1? Paranoia, Party of 1, your table is ready....

I am a plan for the worst-and-hope-it-won't-be-that-awful kind of a person. Some might say that because of that, I am a pessimist...

Maybe I am, but I prefer to think I'm more of a realistic optimist.

I want and hope that the best will come out of a situation, but know that if you don't plan for the alternative, you might end up on your ass.

Pregnancy has put this tendency of mine into overdrive. In the bad way...

This is me at night, lying in bed:

What if that half a margarita I had the night before I found out I was pregnant gave our baby fetal alcohol syndrome?

What if my inability to keep food down leads to malnutrition and causes our baby to have developmental delays?

What if my mom is right, and we DO have twins? And they're conjoined?

What if...and it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

Under normal circumstances, I am a pretty logical, level-headed person.

Now, I am just a crazy person who is developing a fear that our baby will be born with 4 legs or something.

I just, like every other mother on the planet, want my child to have the ability to do/be anything and everything it wants.

I don't want them to miss out on anything.

As a child with a disability, I missed out on a lot of very basic things:
I couldn't run or participate in PE
I couldn't ride a bike or rollerskate
I couldn't take dance or sports, and I was kept inside a lot.

You add braces and a walker to the mix, and it just doesn't bode well for childhood activities....

Then as a teenager, things normalized quite a bit for me physically, after surgery, PT, and Rehab, but there were little things to be missed, like high heels and most shoes, to big things, like driving...

I'm so afraid of my child having to miss out on things like that as well. Granted Cerebral Palsy is not hereditary, so I'm not fearful that my child will get it, but will rates of things like Autism and Down's syndrome climbing, I worry a lot.

That being said, it wouldn't change how we feel about the pregnancy, or how feel about our child. We have already declined to do an amniocentesis, because the results wouldn't change our minds about having the baby, even if there was something scary.

So why obsess in the middle of the night?

I just can't help myself....

I blame it on the hormones. I'm allowed to do that now, right?

1 comment:

Kat said...

Pregnancy is the biggest thing you'll ever do that you have NO control over. No one can guarantee what your babies life will be like, and that can be an overwhelming feeling. And with a type-A personality, this must be really hard. I'd say I'm a type-B and I STILL had those awful "what-if's" Chloe was doing sommersaults when we tried to see her sex with my regular ultrasound, so we went for a 3D ultrasound and we got all these great pictures. Well, after bringing the pics home, I began to obsess over them and try to pick out features, ect. I noticed her head looked like she had half a cantaluope sticking out the front and I started to FREAK OUT that she was deformed. Brian found my paranoia funny, but I was conviced my puking so much deformed her somehow. AS you can now see she was fine. Apparently they handle our puking better then we do. Our bodies give to them first, then us. They can even leach calcium out of your bones and teeth if you don't take in enough. And you know what else I discovered after two pregnancies? The babies can even survive a nuerotic pregnant mother ;o).