Sunday, June 5, 2011

Square One Again: Familiar, but Not Comforting.

I should be sleeping, but I can't.
My mind is a whirlygig of worries and "what-ifs"
(Say THAT 5 times fast!)

I have my moments where I'm going through the day as though things are fine.
It's almost as if the Husband is just home on a long weekend...

but then I'll remember:
He was laid off. We have no income.

And my chest seizes up-- my eyes start to burn from tears...

What are we gonna do?

Keeps on ringing through my head.

I am paralyzed by fear of what could come, what IS coming if he doesn't find a job within the month.

I am angry and defeated at/by the circumstances.
Ones that we are no strangers to...

Weren't we JUST here?

In the summer of  2007, we were riding high.
New apartment, new engagement, our lives beginning.
Money was tight, yet we were making it...

But just as we got settled, Huz got laid off.
After 4 months of struggling on 1 income, he got a new job.
We could get back on track!

Then my job went out the window.
4 more months of struggling, and I finally found a new job.
It was at a pay cut, but it had potential.

We began to climb out of the hole that was rapidly starting to form...

A week before our wedding, I was laid off.
The economy was tanking--they couldn't afford to keep me...
And let me go two days shy of 90 days, so I didn't even qualify for unemployment.

That was March of 2008.
By July, I still didn't have work.
We were barely limping along.
All we could afford was our rent and utilities.

Everything else went to shit.

We owed all of our billers
Our credit cards were maxed
Our accounts were delinquent
There was no savings to speak of, or money in general.

Our lease was up on the 1st of August and they were jacking our rent up.
We  frantically tried to find another place to live, but didn't meet any of the income/credit requirements.

(in CA most buildings mandate that you pass a credit check and make at least 3xs your rent amount to qualify for tenancy)

None of our friends were in a position to help us, so we did the one thing, the LAST thing we wanted to do:

Called my husband's parents and begged.
 It was as demoralizing as you might expect...

They, rightfully, felt like we (as married adults) should figure it out ourselves and said no.
But when it became clear that it was their house or our 2003 Jetta, they consented.

So we packed up our apartment into a storage unit, gave away our dog (who we ADORED) and drove over to their house.

(On the way, we rear-ended someone. I should have known then that we were in for a difficult road)

We thought it was going to be a couple months...

As I talked about several times here in these "pages," it's been almost 3 years.

A much harder and less fruitful 3 years than I think anyone expected, but there was positivity and SOME  progress.

We were finally at a point were there were no more collectors calling, no more delinquencies.
There still wasn't any savings (thanks to medical bills and needing a new car, OH, and having a child), but there were a few bucks in the bank and our bills were getting paid in full and on time.

Still had a shitload of debt and I had no idea when we'd be able to have our own place; worrying about money constantly, but I could always say:

At LEAST the bills are getting paid. 
We are providing for our son.

Now We can't say that.
I paid what I could for this month--still trying to figure out the rest...
There will be nothing left for next month.

As I said in my previous post, because of my in-laws, O will not go hungry, and we will have a roof, but what about everything else?

I know this is going to drive us deeper into debt--how much deeper?
What about our credit? (Which was finally cleaned up)
What about our CAR?
Am I going to have to default on my student loans?

How long will it take us to rebound from this, when we haven't even fully recovered from the last time?

We want to move forward.
We want to be optimistic.
We're wishing for that miracle...

But looking at our peers and the economy around us, we know we have to be frank with ourselves.

We're trying to be proactive.
We've got resumes flying and we're following up on every lead that crosses our path...
We're doing everything we can, but we know that's not enough.

It's taking a toll on us. On every level.

We will weather it, I hope, but how beat up will we be coming out on the other side?
I'm not sure I want to know... 

Thank you to everyone who has commented/emailed/tweeted/texted/called us.
Thank you for your support, encouragement, prayers and hope for us.
Thank you for keeping your eyes peeled and ears open.
Thank you for listening.
We really appreciate it.
We need it.


Leighann said...

I am so so sorry you are going through this!
It seems like the crap keeps piling up and you really do need a break.
Stay strong.

Jayne said...

Leighann-I'm trying! Ha!

The Sweetest said...

Dammit, Jayne- I wish this wasn't happening to you. I wish I had some answers. You are in my thoughts.

Jayne said...

Carrie-I wish it wasn't happening to us either, put we are trying to push through...thanks for your support. If you ever do find any answers, let me know! Ha!