Thursday, September 30, 2010

It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.

Pity party, Table for 1?

Yep, that's me.

I hate that I'm sick. I hate that I feel so powerless. I spend nights wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to make our lives okay.

I feel constantly guilty.

Guilty that I'm not healthier.
Guilty that I came into our marriage with so much debt.
Guilty that my family (for the most part) is a bunch of nutjobs.
Guilty that I can't make our financial situation better.
Guilty because I'm so fucking tired all the time.
Guilty because I am not the perfect wife/mother I always wanted to be.

As I sat in bed crying the other night, my husband said:

"Stop blaming yourself for this. You've been through hell in life and that's gotta take its toll on a person. Think about all you've been given to deal with-None of this is your fault!"

Maybe I should think about it...

Let's reflect on that shall we? Get ready to Pity-Party it UP!

The Hit-List: They Just keep on Coming!
(no pun intended...okay, maybe a little.)

Born super-early w/ lots of complications

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which meant a childhood filled with pain and surgery
-also? Bullies. Kids are vicious when you have a walker...and coke-bottle glasses. I was a hot mess.

A violently abusive mother who was also an emotional terrorist. Still is.

I've never known my biological father

A junkie stepfather who was, shall we say, "inappropriate" at times

A violent, unstable, poor household

Too much work and too many obligations starting at a young age
-practically raising myself and my younger siblings
-working since I was 14 to help support my family and later myself
-taking care of the madre. I was more her parent than she was mine

My mother has stolen thousands from me, stole my identity, and for several years, ruined my credit

Raped at both 18 and 22

Two miscarriages

Been hit by a car AND run over by one (2 separate occasions)

Years upon years of running myself into the ground, stress and overwork because I was desperate to break free from my familial cycle.
-I have this overwhelming need to always put on a brave face, to look "fine", to act "fine" and convince myself that everything is FINE and I can handle everything without worrying anyone because that's my job, so best keep my mouth shut and my self busy. No one likes a complainer.

Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember

I suffer from insomnia and migraines

When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every.Night. Always have.

I live with chronic pain

I'm drowning in debt b/c of college, medical bills, ID theft, and life in a dismal economy

(Not a super-sunshiney list. Sorry folks!)

It's all of those things (and more) that make me feel like I must have been Hitler in a previous life....

[It is by no means the worst history, but it's fairly intense.]

To think that I may be even sicker, and have to go deeper into debt is almost too much for me at this point.*

I know people will say that I should be proud of myself for overcoming so much, or point out how all of this has just made me stronger, OR that I've built so much character through a life of adversity...

But with all due respect and at risk of being rude, character and strength can go take a fucking flying leap.

I'm exhausted. And terrified. I'd like the option to take the easy road now, please.

And before you point out that the hard road has led me to be blessed with a wonderful husband and son, I'm on it. It did indeed.

All I'm saying is that I would like to switch lanes now.

[I do want it known that I am extremely GRATEFUL for my Hubs, my son and my friends. Thank you for loving me-for keeping me afloat. You all are my heart.]

I don't freak out about this stuff for myself. It's for my little family.
I want my husband and my son to have the best life possible.

I want my son to have the life I never did. I want my husband** to have a partner, not a liability.

I'm terrified that I have fought and sacrificed and struggled for a future that is never going to come to fruition, and that my entire life is going to be one battle after another....and I've just dragged two more people into the fray.

Perhaps that is too negative of a view, but those are the feelings I am flooded with right now.

I just want some peace.***


Well thanks for partying with me! I'm gonna go try and put my Big-Girl Panties on now, and resume dealing with life in a mature fashion.

* Note: just in case anyone was worried, I'm not going to throw myself out the window or anything...I'm just having a rough day, er, week, er MONTH. But still! No need to worry!

** Extra Shout OUT to my hubs who knew ALLLL of this stuff and more whilst we were dating and still wanted to marry me anyway! I know, right? He's a catch.

*** Again, not in the funereal kind of way. Girlfriend just needs a Break!


Bride-To-Be said...

I commend you for enduring life this far and still having not given up completely, even if you feel like you've given in to the defeat a little from time to time. If you can at least isolate that the hubs and kiddo are two great things that have gone right so far, just keep focused on the joy of that to continue plugging away at obtaining one piece at a time of the things that aren't quite there yet. Someday they'll start to add up and you've got an entire life yet to live and have it turn around. - Erin

he calls me wifey said...

I love your honesty and I am proud of you for being so open and so candid about the perils you have endured throughout your life. You are such an inspiration to me. Although I have not dealt with nearly as much as you have (I don't think I'd still be standing if I were in your shoes), I can at least tell you that you deserve a pity party. Have your pity party.
Relish in it!

On another sort-of-related note: This is YOUR blog and you can say WHATEVER YOU WANT. I have been getting a lot of flack lately for one blog entry I wrote where I was being completely and totally honest, even if some people didn't like it (the one you commended me for even though I ended up deleting it). I've been dealing with crap from people who shouldn't even be concerned with my business and some people I've never even met. Self-righteous, ignorant, unjustly angry, gossipy people. It's MY blog, I can say what I want because it is MINE. I know, I know you get the picture...

but seriously, say whatever the heck you want, Court!

I admire you, I pray for you, and although we don't see each other all that much, I consider you a good friend.

Keep hanging on <3