Weekend Update....Sigh.

I'm having a serious blogging crisis, which I'm not even sure how to post about, so I'll get into that later...

Since it's been awhile though, I did want to check in--keep everybody updated on our ummmmm, errrrrm progress?

Yesterday was the one monthaversary of Huz' unemployment.
Obviously, it was an understated celebration....harumph.

He's been applying every day since he lost his job, he's been going to an employment resource center 2x a week, and he's been going to job fairs.

A dear friend even took the time to lend us her professional eye and rehauled his resume...

Annnnd, NADA.

Not even a call back.

As an added bonus?

My student loan payments went up another $200 a month.
(Found out that little gem out the day Husband lost his job.)

Sallie Mae doesn't give  a rat's ASS about my no-income situation.
I was basically told to pay up or default.

HELPFUL.

We're feeling GREAT about life.

It's only been a month, right?
Right?
Right....
(as I look nervously at my expanding belly)

We did qualify for unemployment, and got our first check in the mail today....

A whopping $342.00!

I'd laugh at the amount if we didn't need it so badly.

It's SOMETHING, so I have to focus on that.

My Medi-Cal situation is kiiiinda settled, in that I am eligible for prenatal MC, but not fully instated because their records still show that I have alternate coverage.


I dropped off our termination letter to the offices last week after FINALLY getting it from Kaiser (who took their sweet time), but when I called the MC offices, they said that the whole thing could take up to 20 business days to process....

Awesome!

So I'm in limbo, but my OB agreed to see me and just backdate for as long as he can.

Baby is doing well, and is healthy from what they can tell.

It's a GIRL btw (for those of you who don't follow facebook or twitter)!!

At least they're 90% sure it's a girl....

The last US I was able to have was right at 17wks, so they said it was a bit early, but the tech was super confident.

As she put it:
Nothing was popping UP. Ha!

I'll be 20 weeks on Monday, and I have an appt. with the Perinatalogist on the 4th.

He'll be able to do a much more thorough/detailed scan then.

But so far, everything looks good!

Physically, I'm feeling okayish.
I'm exhausted all the time, and the joint pain has already kicked into high gear, so I know I've got  A LOT to look forward to in the coming months!

I'm excited, but not as ecstatic as I thought I would be.
I mean, I'm thrilled we're having a girl...I'm thrilled we're having a BABY, but I think my enthusiasm/joy is clouded by stress and depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it.

Asking myself Again and Again: Where did we go so wrong?

I keep wondering/questioning, even praying:
When the FUCK are things going to ACTUALLY turn around for us?

Every time we pass by the apartment complex that we were supposed to move into, my stomach just sinks, and I feel that sting of tears behind my eyes....

Unpacking our boxes gutted us both.

It's been a really long and ugly month.
We're trying very hard to plaster a smile on our faces and soldier forward.

Whenever someone asks how we are, we say:
We're hanging in there! Trying to stay positive, and looking forward to whatever opportunity comes our way!

Which is true.
Sort of...

In the quiet moments of the day, when we're alone?

We feel stuck.
Scared.
Angry.
Heartbroken.


This pattern of two steps forward, 3 steps back has plagued us for too long.

It's no longer about my husband just finding a good job.

For us to actually move in  FORWARD motion?

He needs a fucking miracle job.
We need a sweepstakes win.
We need magic.

Since magic, miracles and Ed McMahon seem to be outta our reach, the plan is for the Huz to find a full-time job, get settled in that schedule and then take on a night/weekend job, and just begin digging our way to the top of some semblance of stability.

Piece of cake, no?

Jobs are just RIPE for the picking!
Snort.
(are we working the wrong field?)

People keep telling me that our break is just around the corner, good things happen to good people, etc....

I sure hope so.

But I think we're going to be stuck for a long damn time.

We haven't any other choice than to just keep trudging through the shit we've got and to make the best of it.

I'm honestly not sure how to keep doing that.

But we'll figure it out.

Key thing about parenthood is that it takes quitting COMPLETELY OFF the table.

Annoying, right?
Ha.






As usual, thanks to all of you who've checked in with us, offered commiseration, and are generally rooting for us.

We really appreciate all  the support.

Jaaaaay! Ohhhhh! Beeeeeeeee!

Huz got the job!
I'm so excited, you'd think I got the job or something...psssht!

He starts on the 19th.

To celebrate, we had lunch at Jack in the Box.
(I know, living the dreeeeaaaam.....)

We're both nervous though, as this is a very different position for him, as it is ALL sales.
He's had sales jobs before, but this takes it to a different level.

We were kinda skeptical about sales jobs in the beginning, because we've both experienced the seedier side of sales, and the hell that is working for commission-only....shudder...


BUT, this company is reputable, established and is NOT comm-only.

Pay is salaried plus commission, so we can live with that.
Also? The base pay is more than he was making before and they offer benefits.
Yippee!

He gets a gas stipend, work laptop/phone (a smart one, even!) too!. 
Faaaaancy.

He'll be working much longer hours than he was before, like 60 hrs a week (but as we all know, it's hard to get anywhere career-wise working only 40)  and for the first 30 to 90 days he'll have to commute from Rancho to Burbank every day....kinda gross, right?

But, hey! It's a paycheck! A glorious, steady paycheck!

Still, it'll be a tough transition. For all of us.
Especially with Huz having been home for the last 4 months.

We will adjust though (like you do), and be fine, I'm sure.
 Please keep us in your thoughts as we do all this easy-breezy adjusting though, kay? Thanks!

We are over-the-freaking-moon...
Hopeful that maybe this will be the start of some good things for our family.
We could really use some good things...

HUGE THANKS to all of you who've cheered us on, sent us job links, and were generally awesome in our lives! It means a lot, and your support is invaluable!

Much love!

Ducks in the Water.

It's been a month now of unemployment.

We've emailed/called/facebooked/tweeted everyone we know.

He's on all the job sites.

He signed up with AppleOne.

He's been to 2 job fairs.

We tuned and refined his resume within an inch of its life.

He applies every day.

Still?

NOTHING.

No real leads, and not a damn peep from unemployment.

We keep calling, but we can't even get on the line to leave a message-
it's clear that talking to someone is outta the question.

Our money is gone and bills are due.

We're gonna have to ask my ILs for money.
Which I loathe doing.

How long will we have to keep asking?
How long will they help?

Fuckety fuckness, this blows...

Don't misunderstand, I am so grateful for the help we DO have, but...


I just want to be able to help OURSELVES.


The only real upside to this mess is that the boy and I were approved for Medi-Cal, so I've been able to go back on meds.

They're definitely helping.

I think I may a higher dose still, but we'll see.

As for the rest of my health issues, not much has been resolved.

I did about $300 of preliminary blood work to be told that nothing was wrong.

This doesn't mean that there ISN'T anything wrong, but nothing immediately seen.
It would require more testing.

Uhhh, screw that noise. I'm broke.

Fortunately, the med that I'm on is also prescribed for chronic pain, so YAY for multitasking, I guess....

That's kinda it on our end of the world.

Nothing more that we can really do.
Just gotta sit it out and wait.
Hope.


Sitting Ducks. 
That's what I feel like we are.....





If any of my readers out there are millionaires who'd like to bequeath large sums of money to me, please do!

I cannot promise that I will pay it back, nor can I promise Demi Moore-like sexual exploits, but I CAN promise utter gratefulness and freshly baked cookies! 

Square One Again: Familiar, but Not Comforting.

I should be sleeping, but I can't.
My mind is a whirlygig of worries and "what-ifs"
(Say THAT 5 times fast!)

I have my moments where I'm going through the day as though things are fine.
It's almost as if the Husband is just home on a long weekend...

but then I'll remember:
He was laid off. We have no income.

And my chest seizes up-- my eyes start to burn from tears...

What are we gonna do?

Keeps on ringing through my head.

I am paralyzed by fear of what could come, what IS coming if he doesn't find a job within the month.

I am angry and defeated at/by the circumstances.
Ones that we are no strangers to...

Weren't we JUST here?

In the summer of  2007, we were riding high.
New apartment, new engagement, our lives beginning.
Money was tight, yet we were making it...

But just as we got settled, Huz got laid off.
After 4 months of struggling on 1 income, he got a new job.
We could get back on track!

Then my job went out the window.
4 more months of struggling, and I finally found a new job.
It was at a pay cut, but it had potential.

We began to climb out of the hole that was rapidly starting to form...

A week before our wedding, I was laid off.
The economy was tanking--they couldn't afford to keep me...
And let me go two days shy of 90 days, so I didn't even qualify for unemployment.

That was March of 2008.
By July, I still didn't have work.
We were barely limping along.
All we could afford was our rent and utilities.

Everything else went to shit.

We owed all of our billers
Our credit cards were maxed
Our accounts were delinquent
There was no savings to speak of, or money in general.

Our lease was up on the 1st of August and they were jacking our rent up.
We  frantically tried to find another place to live, but didn't meet any of the income/credit requirements.

(in CA most buildings mandate that you pass a credit check and make at least 3xs your rent amount to qualify for tenancy)

None of our friends were in a position to help us, so we did the one thing, the LAST thing we wanted to do:

Called my husband's parents and begged.
 It was as demoralizing as you might expect...

They, rightfully, felt like we (as married adults) should figure it out ourselves and said no.
But when it became clear that it was their house or our 2003 Jetta, they consented.

So we packed up our apartment into a storage unit, gave away our dog (who we ADORED) and drove over to their house.

(On the way, we rear-ended someone. I should have known then that we were in for a difficult road)

We thought it was going to be a couple months...


As I talked about several times here in these "pages," it's been almost 3 years.

A much harder and less fruitful 3 years than I think anyone expected, but there was positivity and SOME  progress.

We were finally at a point were there were no more collectors calling, no more delinquencies.
There still wasn't any savings (thanks to medical bills and needing a new car, OH, and having a child), but there were a few bucks in the bank and our bills were getting paid in full and on time.

Still had a shitload of debt and I had no idea when we'd be able to have our own place; worrying about money constantly, but I could always say:

At LEAST the bills are getting paid. 
We are providing for our son.


Now We can't say that.
I paid what I could for this month--still trying to figure out the rest...
There will be nothing left for next month.

As I said in my previous post, because of my in-laws, O will not go hungry, and we will have a roof, but what about everything else?

I know this is going to drive us deeper into debt--how much deeper?
What about our credit? (Which was finally cleaned up)
What about our CAR?
Am I going to have to default on my student loans?

How long will it take us to rebound from this, when we haven't even fully recovered from the last time?

We want to move forward.
We want to be optimistic.
We're wishing for that miracle...

But looking at our peers and the economy around us, we know we have to be frank with ourselves.

We're trying to be proactive.
We've got resumes flying and we're following up on every lead that crosses our path...
We're doing everything we can, but we know that's not enough.


It's taking a toll on us. On every level.

We will weather it, I hope, but how beat up will we be coming out on the other side?
I'm not sure I want to know... 









Thank you to everyone who has commented/emailed/tweeted/texted/called us.
Thank you for your support, encouragement, prayers and hope for us.
Thank you for keeping your eyes peeled and ears open.
Thank you for listening.
We really appreciate it.
We need it.

The Silver Unemployment Line(ing)?

A pet peeve of mine?

When you’re really upset over something legitimately crappy and someone gives you that patronizing sigh and says:

Well, It COULD be WORSE*, you know...

Trust me, I’m fully aware of that thank you, but could you give me a freaking minute??

(Worse still? “Blessing in Disguise…” Makes me see RED.)

My Husband was laid off last Monday.

He had to repeat it to me at least 5 times before the words even started making sense…

He’s been with them for almost 4 years.

From the BEGINNING…

When the owner was still operating out of his dad’s house.

Huz was instrumental in getting their office up and running.
He WAS that damn office for the first year and a half.

Organizing/Cataloging their inventory.

Training the other employees.
Making connections with vendors and customers alike.
Helping to BUILD.

And his boss just walked in last Monday afternoon, after he’d worked almost a full day, handed him unemployment paperwork and said:

“We’re Sorry.”

With that, he had to pack up his shit, hand over his key and vacate the premises.

No explanation.

Not even two weeks pay.

The other two employees in the office?

The ones MY Husband trained?

Still have their jobs.

We were completely floored.

Yes, it was tiny company.

Yes, business was slow.

But they kept saying that his job was fine.

We naively assumed that he would be the LAST person to go.

Not that I wish for anyone else to be unemployed, but it’s pretty sad when loyalty/hard work means NOTHING.

We haven’t got any savings or any real money in our bank account.

We are now a zero-income family.

With a child and $2000 a month in bills to cover.

[With about a $100,000 in debt from student loans/medical bills/car loan that we're trying to repay, the bulk of which can't be declared in Bankruptcy, so that option is out]

Fucking HELL.

I am panicked.

My husband is panicked. He just represses it better.

I spent the last 3 days vomiting; I’m pretty sure due to stress.

No, we will not go homeless or hungry, thanks to the in-laws, and that is HUGE…

But it’s hard to breathe a sigh of relief when there are all these bills hanging over our heads….

[and we all know the domino effect that begins when those bills don't get paid on time or ya know, AT ALL....]

If you’ve read this blog for a decent length of time, you’ll know that money was already a huge issue for our family—a constant source of worry/stress/fear, and that was WITH a full-time paycheck.

I don’t know what the fuck we’re going to do.

I paid the car insurance

The car payment

The phone bill

Our DMP bill

And bought diapers/wipes for the month.

That’s ALL, folks. We are tapped.

I had a melt-down this afternoon when I realized we were out of milk for O and had no money for groceries…Of Course the ILs got the milk, but just the realization of being that tapped sent me to a dark place...

Spouseface applied for unemployment, and we’ve applied for Medi-Cal…hopefully we’ll be approved and both will start soon, but UE is barely gonna make a dent.

Huz needs to find a job ASAP.  Like yesterday.

Did I mention the $5000 ER bills we got in the mail? With the notification that more are probably on their way?

It’s a party over here, people.

I’m giving out panic attacks and the nervous shits as party favors.

Wooooooo!

Help is on its way, right?

......Crickets.....

Fuck.

Insomnia?
Suuuuure. Why not!

Parrrrrty!

*My heart goes out to all of the families out there struggling like we are, but ESPECIALLY to those families who are victims of natural disasters. I DO know that it could be truly worse, and that I am lucky in my own way.

Inside Outed

My first instinct is to hide.

[I only let it out at night.]

Put a smile on my face and find something to do.

The busy will give me something to hide behind.

It will give me a purpose that will allow me to ignore the ebbing emotions that keep threatening to come out.

I will not give in, I will not let it fuck me up.....I will not let it fuck my family up

A familiar refrain.

I reorganize and schedule.
I try to see all the good in my life and hang on to that.
I try to keep on keepin' on so that I look "normal."
Hiding undercover as a happy person.

I WILL MAKE THE BEST OF IT, damn it!

But there is always something that tips the scale in Depression's favor....and I am made.

Every single time.

By Tuesday's post, I could feel myself losing the stranglehold.

The thought of the ER bill was hanging over me like a sentence, and I just couldn't shake an overwhelming sense of hopelessness....

Wednesday afternoon, my husband left work early so that he could take me to my appointment with the gastro-specialist.

I knew going in, that it would probably not be a very productive visit.

[Which was hard to swallow given that the Huz was losing out on 2 hours of pay and the visit was $200 up front.]

After filling out paperwork and talking to his physician's assistant for 15 minutes, it was clear that they felt that nothing discernible was wrong with me.

When the doctor actually came in, I was basically making my way out the door.

He offered to re-run previous tests, but felt that based on the scans and blood work  from the ER that I was perfectly fine:

Maybe I just needed to start taking an over-the-counter antacid.....

I almost lost it right there in his office.

Thankfully, I salvaged some dignity and was able to pay my $200 and leave with out sobbing.

While I don't want to be sick, knowing that we will have to pay ER fees that will basically put us back another 3-5 years debt-wise doesn't make me want to celebrate my supposed healthiness.

But, as I kept telling myself in the car:

I knew this was going to happen.

I hadn't wanted to go to the ER in the first place.
Something was wrong with me, yes, but it was not wrong enough.

A lifetime without stable health care (or any at all) teaches you these things.

But my husband worries... and my guilt over making him worry or possibly being irresponsible about my health, forces my hand and forced me into an ER....



Finally back home, I could feel my panic and anger rising.

How the fuck were we going to pay for this?
And secondarily, I still feel like shit and it is pretty clear that THAT isn't really anybody's problem but mine.


By bedtime, I was crying, and I could feel it flooding my whole body.

The fear
the worry
the stress
the pain
the exhaustion
but most of all,
the helplessness.

Forever stuck in a cycle of a rock and a hard place.

Surrounded by well-meaning people who say things like:


It could be worse! 
Someday it will turn around! 
Just keep on doing the best you can and you'll see how good life can be!
You have so much to be grateful for! 
 (Yes, I do. But gratefulness does not take away chronic pain or clinical depression)
You'll figure it out!

And usually?

Those people don't have a fucking clue as to what your going through, and have never really been in a situation even remotely close to yours.


Not that it's their fault, nor would I wish it upon them, but I do wish that they could recognize that they have no idea what it's like and keep their reality-deflecting platitudes to themselves.

 I have said it BEFORE and I will say it AGAIN:

Sometimes life is an unfair shitfest.
Respect those moments and let us grieve them, please.


By 3am, I had awoken in a cold sweat and started crying.
The crying pretty much continued until about 2pm Thursday afternoon.
Not my finest moment, and the FIRST time I have ever let that happen in front of my son....

But I just couldn't pull myself back together.


I am a fucking mess.

My hubs, rightfully alarmed,demanded I call my doctor and schedule an appointment all the blood work the Doc wants me to have done before he'll put me back on meds and to do further blood tests to hopefully wrap up our (and now his) suspicions of Fibromyalgia.

And I did.

I don't know how we're going to pay for it ($200 per office visit + whatever the lab work costs, not to mention the meds), on top of everything else, but I've got to do something.

My depression is not the sum total of all of my health issues, but letting it run wild isn't doing anyone any good.

I've been too stubborn for too long, trying to control it, HIDE it,  by myself.

And if Fibromyalgia is indeed an issue, maybe I can finally get some answers and solutions to the chronic pain.

I promised myself I would get all of this done at the 1st of the year, and now we're into May, so I guess I need to get on it.....

It's just so terrifying to know that while you may need it, you haven't got the resources for it.

Sigh.


Everything is about money.
We don't have enough to get me (or us) the help I (we) need, but make "too much" to qualify for help.


People like me with pre-existing conditions can no longer be denied for health insurance, but the type of insurance I qualify for is astronomical and won't cover my basic health needs anyway.

To know that every step you try to take forward to make yourself feel better, only pushes your family back five steps, and down further into the mire of debt.

It's crushing.

Especially when you live in such an affluent area, as we happen to, and you constantly watch people take so much for granted.

Dismissing you and your "problems" because they don't want to have to actually be confronted with how hard life can be and lucky they really are.

I have to remind myself of how lucky we are all the time.

So I spend most of my time trying to hide.
Trying to stay busy.
And crying in the bathroom at 3 am, so I won't disturb anyone.

No way to live, and I'm trying to claw my way out, but it's tough... 

So far, I am on a losing streak.

Please send me all the good vibes, chants, prayers, luck, you can.


I hate to ask, but I need all the help I can get.



Because at this moment, I am drowning.
Even in the day time.

Three's Complicated....

This summer, we will have been living with my Husband's parents for 3 years.

That's shocking to me. Even though it shouldn't be.  

In the least.


When we arrived on their doorstep in August of 2008, we were confident that it was just going to be a 3 month transitional period.

3 months became 6.
6 months became a YEAR. 
I got pregnant.

The plan was to be out after O was born and I was healed.

Snort.
Riiiight.
Because we would so be financially flush after having a child.
We're thinkers, we are!

Then?
We would be out by O's 1st birthday.
Yes!

He's just about 6 months away from turning 2, we can all see how well that went...

At the turn of this year, I found myself angry and desperate.

Overwhelmingly so.

For all of the reasons and more that I have blogged about in the past...

It is not easy living with another couple.
Particularly when that couple happens to be your Parents (in-law).

Not only are there the usual expectations that you would face while learning to coexist with roommates, but the the additional expectations that all children feel the need to meet (and exceed) in order to please their parents.

The most crushing element in this equation is the societal pressure.

Americans are a nation of  islands.
If we find ourselves in a position where we must rely on another (especially in any financial sense), we have failed.

Every nuclear family for themselves!

Even with the changing tides of the economy forcing people to move in with Ma and Pa and for households to become multi-generational, there is still the general sense of embarrassment and the pungent smell of perceived failure hanging around the topic of  "going back home."

My husband and I wrestle with it probably more than anything else in  our marriage.....

Why?

Why do we allow ourselves to be labeled as failures?
Why do we berate ourselves for things beyond our control?

Why can't we look at the marriages we've built and the beautiful son we're raising despite the chaos in the world as TRUE signs of success?

Sigh.
We're trying.
I'm trying....

In the last couple of months, as I've stopped to take in certain moments of the day, I realized that while this situation is not ideal, it is actually quite the gift.

It goes deeper that a financial woes and cheap rent.

In our time here, I've gotten to be extremely close with my MIL, and love my FIL as if he were a father, which is big for me.

They gotten to know me better, but more importantly, they've started to get to know their son better.
Not just as their child, but as a man.
As a husband.
As a father.

He is no longer the irresponsible teenager they tended to remember.

He's gotten to know them beyond their title of Mom and Dad.
He's gotten to see them with new perspective, as he is now a fellow parent joining the ranks...

Creating bonds I don't think they had before.

The best by far, though?
Being a team of 4, raising my son as a family.

This little is flooded with love.
He gets to truly grow up with his grandparents.

His grandparents (who in the beginning, were definitely reticent about the idea of us having a child under their roof) have been blessed to be present for every single step of this child's life, from the first movements in my belly to the flying like a diapered-dervish through the house on his own two feet...

And are as utterly in love with their grandson as he is with them.

He likes them better than Mommy and Daddy. Not that Mommy and Daddy are bitter, or anything....ahem.

I don't know how I would've gotten through my pregnancy without the support of my ILs.
I don't know how the Hubs and I would've survived the first couple of months when we brought the baby home...

Frankly, I don't think O would have been born at ALL, had we not been living with them. No exaggeration.

That ALONE makes bunking with the 'rents, totally worth it.


Someday, we will be in our own place.
Someday, we will be separate.

For now, we're at home. 
In all the ways a family can be.















[Peeps? When you get a chance, head over and visit the lovely Jaime over at The Story of Us.
Today's beautiful post helped me really gather my thoughts for this post. AND? Her children are just delicious!]

No Dice. As Per The Usual.

I didn't get the job.

While I knew that was probably going to be the case, I was trying to remain positive.

[And we all know how I feel about optimism....]

They didn't even offer to keep my resume on file or promise to keep me in mind for future openings.

The email basically said:

Thanks, but no thanks.  We hired someone more qualified than you.  Good luck with your job search.

Again, I wasn't surprised, but I was still crushed.

I WANTED that job.
Despite my initial nervousness about working full-time again, I knew that I would be good at it.
Being able to get back into the writing world (even in such a small way) would have been...well, never mind.

More than WANT, this job was a NEED.

We needed this job.
We need a break.
We keep trying to make forward progress and it's always 1 step forward, 3 back...

We are chained to money...or lack thereof...

I feel like that's an all-too-familiar refrain in our lives.

You have my sympathies, if it is for you as well.

Sigh.....

Fuck.

Not eloquent or pretty, but all I can say....

Money MATTERS.

There's lots of sayings about money.

It's the root of all evil...
It can't buy Love...
It apparently doesn't grow on trees...
A penny of it saved is a penny of it earned...
It's ONLY $$... (the person who says that usually HAS it, I've found)

It AND be short AND late...


Etc.


We are a culture of money.
It makes our world go 'round, or stop, depending...


I think about money all of the time.
I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it.
My husband and I argue about it all the time.
I worry about how money will affect our future, my son's future.
I worry about the toll it might take on my marriage.

Worry Worry Worry!

Will we ever be able to move out of my IL's?

Will we ever be able to relocate out of CA?

Will we ever have a savings?

Will we ever be debt free?

Will we ever be able to buy a home?

Will we ever be able to have another baby?

Will we be able to send said children to college?

Will my husband ever be able to finish college?

Will we ever be able to just fucking breathe a little bit?

We try to be smart and responsible.  We try to make good choices.  We try to keep pushing forward.
I watch for sales, clip coupons, I use any customer savings card I can get my hands on, shop Craig's List, gladly accept hand-me-downs, and I always try to plan ahead.  Frugality is a way of life!



Even so-
Sometimes we spend a little too much.
Not like Hookers-and-Blow too much, but eating out (of the Del Taco not the Morton's Steakhouse variety) when we shouldn't or buying gifts on special occasions when we should have just gotten each other a card... We know that we should be more stringent, but it's difficult to say:
NO all. the. time.
Sure, every little bit helps, but when you're chipping away at a mountain range, sometimes you just want that "little bit" to be a bit more fun.


Sigh.


But fun doesn't pay the bills.


I'm really frustrated because I feel like my whole life is wrapped up in money.

Can we afford this?

No we can't do that-Go there-Buy this-Save what?

If we drive to see this person, it will take this much gas...

We have x amount of days to make y amount of dollars last...

If this happens then we'll be set back x amount...

Maybe we can start saving more money after ________

It'll be this many months/weeks/years 'til _____________________is paid off

and so on. Always down to the wire, down to the penny. There's never any wiggle room.

Based on a biweekly, full 80 hrs of pay--by the time we are done paying our our bills, rent (which is a tiny amount, so if we paid real rent we'd be screwed), necessities for O, and gas? We are left with $300 for the month. That's not including savings or groceries.


It's amazing how how fast $300 bucks for a family of 3 depletes.
G-d Help us if there's an emergency or a sick day....

Husband is trying to find a second job.  It's been a frustrating and fruitless process thus far, and he loses the will to even look sometimes.

That is understandable, but we have GOT to HUSTLE.
Becaaaaaaauuuuuuuse-


We have decided once and for all, (after going over every scenario) that I will not be going back to work.

Given the financial quandary we are in, you might think we're ridiculous but given my health, and the cost of daycare-my gong to work does not make financial sense. When I was laid off, I did not leave behind a career, I left an hourly wage. A wage by the way, that was less than my spouse's, even though I had a degree...

On top of full-time day care (and a new wardrobe as I haven't worked in 3 years), we would also end up probably doubling our gas costs as my husband would have to be my transportation...This would pretty much cancel out any money I might be able to earn.

So we asked ourselves: What was the benefit? Neither one of us want O in daycare, and the last thing we need is for me to run myself further into the ground.

And in an much-needed epiphany, I stopped feeling guilty and realized:


I have a job.  I am a mother.  I take good care of my son, and as wife, I take good care of my husband. I keep our lives and our money in order (as best as I possibly can).


It's a hard, 24/7 kind of position.
Unfortunately, the hourly rate is hugs and kisses.
I love it.


 However, Hugs and Kisses, much like Fun, doesn't fatten our bank account.

Husband needs to find a night job.

In the meantime,

I've been looking for at-home work, but I'm fairly certain I'd have better luck finding a Unicorn. 
I don't know anyone who works from home that didn't transition to that from a 9-5 position.

I've tried selling Avon/Mary Kay/PartyLite, etc. and it was just not successful. I didn't make any money and neither did my friends...

In my experience, both in my own ventures and those of friends--to make money in those arenas it's important to have the money to invest in a good inventory, so there's product on hand, it's important to have a car so you can get back and forth to your clients, parties, and the like, and finally? It's important to have a place of your own from which to run said business.

I'm 0 for 3 at the moment.


Now,  it doesn't help that I'm not the world's best salesperson. I won't push someone into something they can't use or can't afford. I will be the one to tell them where they can find a product that works just-as-good and costs less over at the local Target of Walgreen's.  Oops.


[Please don't think I'm dissing any salesladies out there. I'm not. If you make a living selling your wares, go on w/yo bad self! I'm just saying that I DIDN'T/can't]


I'm thinking that maybe there isn't a Pink Cadillac in my future...not that I could drive it anyway. Ha!





What do we do?  I DO NOT know.
BUT, I'm praying daily for a miracle.


I know that we are so much better off than a LOT of families. I fully realize that. And I am THANKFUL.



But in terms of our life?  Our goals?  Our needs?


I'm frustrated.  Scared.  Cornered.


I grew up poor.  We didn't live on the streets, but we got welfare and food stamps.  Moved from apartment to apartment, motel to motel.  Basic necessities weren't always so basic.  We didn't own anything, and everything was always unstable.  There were times when things were good, or easier, but it never lasted.

You never knew when the bottom was going to drop out.
You were made to feel guilty for needing anything, for wanting anything.


I hated living that way.  I swore that I would NEVER end up that way and that my children would NEVER know what that felt like.  I swore that my marriage would not be filled with fights and endless struggling over the Almighty Dollar, but I see signs of that beginning despite all my efforts to avoid it.







What is it that they say about "the best-laid plans?"


...Sigh.

P stands for "Pain in the Proverbial Pooper"

Not that it's a shocker, but I'm not so good at being an optimist.

But, I decided that I would try harder to cast a rosy glow onto whatever I could, and keep sippin' on that damn half-full glass o' life (not to be confused with "the Kool-Ade").

[It's all irritating as shit.]

I've spent the last 6 months or so, repeating this to myself:


"be Positive-be Patient-be Proactive!"

Literally every.single.day.

They are my P's of Peacefulness!

I thought it would help me be less stressed.  That by surrendering to patience (however violently, ahem.), I would begin to see how change comes in small, but important ways.  By taking a proactive stance, I would participate in making my life better and get to where I (and my family) needed to be, but I wouldn't be trying to FORCE life to happen...as is my usual MO.

I would be calm and serene.  I would be living in the moment.  Appreciating things in their own time.

Friends?  I am so not that fucking person.

You know what helps me to get through the day?

Planning for and expecting the worst. Truly, it does.

In doing so, I know what I  might be up against, and I have a plan! Or, at the very least, I've steeled myself for battle and will not be caught unawares if calamity is to strike.

Bestest part?

When the worst doesn't happen (which is kinda rare in neck of the woods), or falls below the level of expectation, it's a nice surprise! A breath of fresh air.

SADLY, today, I was caught unawares.
Positivity clouded my judgment!
Damn sunshiney rays blinded me to reality...

We are budgeted to the nickel.
And, to kick off 2011,
we just started paying my in-laws rent,
AND our car payments started up.

So that nickel is all the more teensy....

 Positive, albeit, money-draining changes.

Heeeey, though!  Turn that frown upside down!  We were gonna make it!  It'll be fine!  Husband's totally gonna find extra work ANY DAY NOW, and that will loosen the belt FOR SURE!

Sure, there was no way that my husband could ever take a sick day on this budget, but that NEVER happens...even when he is a little under the weather, he makes it to work!


Until he wakes up at 4am to have a vomitfest this morning. No work for you, pukey!

 Craptacular. I did not budget for this.
Curse you, Freaking Optimism!



Did I mention that we're already counting down the days and the pennies 'til next payday?




(10, in case you were wondering...)


This, darling readers, is why I'd  pick my P's to propose:

"be Pragmatic-be Planning-be Prepared (for the worst!)!"

They are my P's of Progress!
They just aid in making life's bitter pills a little bit sweeter....

For Me, anyway.

It would be almost Funny...

If it didn't potentially involve cancer.

My Darling Hubs found a lump in his testicle.
On the 30th anniversary weekend of when his father discovered that HE had testicular cancer...
Awesome, right?

He went to the doctor yesterday, and was told that it was probably a blocked vesicle or something else of a non-cancery nature, but the doc can't be sure, and there is a family history....soooooo:

He's having an ultrasound this afternoon to try and confirm the nature of the lump.

Despite my best efforts, I vacillate between rage and despair.

I'm repeatedly telling myself that it's not cancer and that the tests are going to be fine, but even if they are (and I can't BREATHE until I know for sure)--

Are you efffing KIDDING ME? With all that we are struggling with, Life's just gonna throw a cancer-scare in there for shits and giggles? It's just too much.


I was already depressed as hell, and I can't say this is helping. Even poor hubby has cracked...

We need some pure, unadulterated, good fortune to come our way with a damn quickness. PLEASE.

If that weren't enough, they're trying to deny my insurance coverage.

Wooo!!!

I'm hoping it's just a clerical error, but I have yet to get on the phone with an actual person to find out. I loathe, LOATHE automated systems...

If they want more money, they are S-O-frikkenL. We don't have anymore money. Especially with all of the time Spouseface has had to take off given the various health upsets. I don't think he's gotten a full 40 hr check in two months, which is, ya know, "helpful" and stuff....

As far as post-surgical-update:

I'm doing okay. I had some complications with my pain meds and ended up in the ER on the Saturday night after my surgery, but they switched them and fixed that problem. The pain was FAR worse than I had expected, as was my lack of mobility and the fatigue. Thankfully, the pain is manageable now...I still can't bend, twist or pick up/carry O (which breaks my heart), but at  least I can finally walk around . The fatigue, however, is crushing me.

I suppose I should've seen that coming, given I already have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but I was still caught off-guard... (E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. Dead. Sadness.)...
maybe because lapro-surgery is made to sound so easy-peezy. It's not, just-so-you-know.

Sure, it's better than open surgery, but it's STILL MAJOR SURGERY. I think the fact that it's out-patient is a little dangerous, honestly.

That about sums it up. I'm pained, exhausted, kinda heartbroken (on many levels), and financially tapped OUT, but no gall bladder attacks or unexplained abdominal pain (the hernia), so HEY, that's great!

Or Something Like That....

Please keep my sweet Husbandface in your thoughts. We are doing are best to keep our chins up, and expect the best, but I know he's scared (I'm terrified), and we could use all the luck we can get. Hopefully the scans today are all negative (in the positive way) and happy.

I'll keep you updated...

Ain't that a kick in the Teeth?

As my lovely readers may have figured out, things have been a little less than rosy around here...

I can't really say it's lookin' up.

Monday, I got a notice from Medi-Cal that my Share-of-Cost coverage was terminated as of the 1st of October.

Ummmm, come again?!

I have a SURGERY scheduled on Friday. THIS FRIDAY.

Immediately filled with the urge to vomit, I tried not to panic. There's was nothing I could do until the next morning...

My fervent hope is that I would call Medi-Cal and it would all be some silly misunderstanding...
Ooops! "Silly Us!" They would say.


Yeah, NOTSOMUCH.

My insurance is canceled. As I am no longer pregnant, O is no longer an infant and I happen to be married, we no longer qualify for squat.

Our income is "too high" (tell that to our bank account) and we are an "in-tact" family, therefore ineligible for aid.

Since when is being a stable family a bad thing?
It is in the eyes on Medi-Cal.

I was able however, to skim under the radar somehow, and since my surgery was already approved, it will be covered with the $2000 co-pay.

BUT, any medical care costs or anything related to the surgery/post-op that occurs AFTER the 31st of October will be our responsibility 100%.


Yippee?

Please cross your fingers for me that the surgery goes smoothly and is laproscopic, so it can be considered an out-patient procedure. If they have to go in all Mash-style, I'll be laid up in the hospital for a few days, and we don't have that kind of scratch....

Hey, did I mention that we also need a new car? SchWEET.








PS. O's Birthday Bash was Fab! I will post as SOON as I get all the pictures!

Eviction Notice.

For my gall bladder, that is.

I FINALLY saw the general surgeon yesterday morning and he said its gotta come OUT.

This makes me relieved and nervous at the same time.

I'll be glad to not have gall attacks anymore (I was in the ER AGAIN last Saturday), but surgery always is a little risky...

Will it be fine? I'm sure it will, but having O has made me a bit of a NervousNellie.

The surgery hasn't been scheduled, the surgeon has to get approval from Medi-Cal first. I hope it goes smoothly and speedily so this I can get this mess over with!

I still haven't gotten the results of the biopsies they did during my colonoscopy, so there's no updates on that yet.

[I did file a complaint, btw. Just a written one-I had no desire to get all sue-y about it, I just wanted to make sure it was documented so it hopefully won't happen to someone else]

I never heard from the Uro guy after that craptacular appointment, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to find another one and start that process all over again.
Yaaaaaaay.

But, while having the bladder of an incontinent octogenarian isn't exactly sexy, it ain't life-threatening, so I'm putting it on the back burner 'til the gallbladder/colon/stomach sitch is figured out.

Other than that,
I'm exhausted.
STRESSED.
Fighting off a bout of depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to weather all of this financially.

Weirdest of all, though?

I really want to have another baby.

I KNOW. I must really be going off the deep-end...

I think I'm just afraid we won't be able to try for another one before the option is taken away from me health-wise...?

I know that I am super-lucky to have one healthy baby, and I'm not trying to be greedy, but I know that the Hubs and I would be sad if we didn't at least try to have a sibling for O.

Anyhoo-in happier news:

O's FIRST BIRTHDAY party is on Saturday!

(I'm having a hard time accepting that he'll be 1 soon.)
I'm excited, but WORRIED. We had planned to have it in the backyard, but with the weather being all torrential, I don't think that's happening...and my IL's downstairs isn't exactly "kid-friendly."

I know O won't give a rip, but I just want it to be a special day.

Cross your fingers!

I'll post about the festivities next week!!!

You want to put What WHERE? And you want me to PAY you?

Latest on Gall-Gate '10:


So I have to have a colonoscopy....
(yeah, you want to be me, fo sho')

I'm not afraid, I'm just pissed.

It's undignified that I should have to pay $2000.00 for someone to shove a tuby camera up my ass.

You know what we really send me into oblivion? If I go thru all of this nonsense and they don't find a thing.

Not that I want something to be hideously wrong, but COME ON NOW.

They best find something....

At least the Gastro specialist was nice.

The Urology specialist was an asshat.

He wouldn't even listen to me. He was INSISTENT that my issues were because I was so "severely overweight" and because I didn't do enough Kegels.

When I pointed out that neither my OBGYN nor my PCP felt that weight was an issue, and both felt that I had bladder damage due to various occurrences, Mr. Pee King kept telling me to stop eating junk food and to make an effort to exercise...something I OBVIOUSLY wasn't doing.

Now, I'm not one to use the ..."But I'm big-boned" excuse. I know that I need to lose weight. But I'm not a rabid junk foodie who lays around all day, bathing in trans-fats. I am, however, someone who eats pretty damn healthily but put on a lot of weight due to trauma, being ill, taking different meds, and my metabolism shuddering to a stop...

And not to play the "placard card," but I have Cerebral Palsy and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

It's not like I can take a 5 mile jog to my advanced spin class and then Bikram Yoga pose my ass home.

(It takes all my energy to take care of my son and our little household.)

As SUCH- the generalization angers me. I realize that the "good doctor" is looking at it from a health perspective, but he took it several steps beyond (At one point he actually said the word fat and then caught himself a bit late) to disrespectful.

I'm no wisp of a woman, but I'm not Mama Grape, either.

In short, I need to see another Uro guy.

When I followed up with my PCP, he was PISSED. That made me feel a little better. lol...

[What didn't make me feel better? The $200 cost of my visit.]

In terms of my gall bladder, I've had a few more small attacks, but I'm still waiting for an appointment with a general surgeon, so no new progress on that. Boo.


So for those keeping score, here's what we've learned so far-

Jack and Shit.

That jewel of knowledge has cost me $4200 as of now, and I haven't even gotten my lab bills yet.

Oh, I almost forgot...

I also have a chest infection. Woo.



I'm *this* close to losing it.

But with this face looking at me,



I do my best to keep on keepin' on. We've gotta catch a break at some point.



Right?


Guys.....?



Sigh.

Just when I think I can't stands no mo', my Husband puts on a "Sexy Bee" Costume.

Oh, yeah.

It was something to behold, my friends....

So here's how it all went down:

We went shopping today for O's bday party (which is going to be a Halloween-themed bash, and we're encouraging all guests to get their costume on!) to take our minds off the current shitstorm we find ourselves in, and we picked up all KINDS of CUTE in terms of decor items and we also snapped up the makings of our costumes.

We decided that no matter what was going on financially, it was important for us as a family to make sure that O's big day was special, and celebrated with panache!

BUT, All on the Cheeeeeap.

That took some creativity, as these things usually do-

Using Blind Melon as inspiration; I decided I would dress up as a Bee.

It seemed like a bright, cheerful (I thought it'd be a nice change of pace for me, Eh?) thing to be, and seemed like a relatively easy get-up to cobble together.

I was all set to go except for the keyest of my Bee ensemble-the wings and antennae, aka "deelyboppers" according to the Hubs...

This just would NOT do!

No way I wanted to be mistaken for some sort of Drag-Charlie Brown.

(Although...interesting idea....)


So we set off on a search for my missing links...

We thought this was going to be a cheap and easy mission and we were soon proved wrong.

Nothing, nowhere, No HOW, unless we wanted to spend a ridiculous amount.

We'd just about given up, when we spotted a Bee costume in CVS (of ALL places?!) on a mega clearance rack and decided to give it a looksie...

It came with a dress, tights, arm warmers, wings, and of COURSE, deelyboppers. Plus?

Uber-Cheap!

Two problems though:

1. It was a "Flirty Bee" [Read: SLUTTASTIC and totally innapropos for my son's 1st bday party]

2. It was made for a delicately-boned Malaysian boy

But Husband had a stroke of ::Genius::

We'd buy the costume and cannibalize it for parts!

Sweet!

So home we went, VICTORIOUS.

As we got home though, I started to feel that old familiar surge of panic....

"We spent too much"
"We should return everything"
"That was irresponsible"

And so forth.


I'm trying to keep this all to myself, and fighting the urge to start crying over the absurdity of our lives at the moment when as if on cue-

I look up to see my husband shimmying himself into the "SexBee" outfit.

Complete with wings, and you guessed it, DEELYBOPPERS.


I.peed.my.pants.

No joke. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

(I still can't believe he shoved himself into it...you could hear ripping as he moved...)


IT.WAS.GLORIOUS.

Tragically, he would not allow photographic evidence of any kind.

So just work the image out for yourself:

This Dude:




Parading around in this little number:
(Remember honey, you can find anything on the webnets)





Mmmmmmhmmm.



And whatever picture you've got crafted in your mind?





Can't even TOUCH the real deal.




Maaaaan. I love my Husband.


I don't know how I'd make it without him....(and O, obviously.)...

It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.

Pity party, Table for 1?

Yep, that's me.

I hate that I'm sick. I hate that I feel so powerless. I spend nights wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to make our lives okay.

I feel constantly guilty.

Guilty that I'm not healthier.
Guilty that I came into our marriage with so much debt.
Guilty that my family (for the most part) is a bunch of nutjobs.
Guilty that I can't make our financial situation better.
Guilty because I'm so fucking tired all the time.
Guilty because I am not the perfect wife/mother I always wanted to be.

As I sat in bed crying the other night, my husband said:

"Stop blaming yourself for this. You've been through hell in life and that's gotta take its toll on a person. Think about all you've been given to deal with-None of this is your fault!"

Maybe I should think about it...

Let's reflect on that shall we? Get ready to Pity-Party it UP!

The Hit-List: They Just keep on Coming!
(no pun intended...okay, maybe a little.)

Born super-early w/ lots of complications

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which meant a childhood filled with pain and surgery
-also? Bullies. Kids are vicious when you have a walker...and coke-bottle glasses. I was a hot mess.

A violently abusive mother who was also an emotional terrorist. Still is.

I've never known my biological father

A junkie stepfather who was, shall we say, "inappropriate" at times

A violent, unstable, poor household

Too much work and too many obligations starting at a young age
-practically raising myself and my younger siblings
-working since I was 14 to help support my family and later myself
-taking care of the madre. I was more her parent than she was mine

My mother has stolen thousands from me, stole my identity, and for several years, ruined my credit

Raped at both 18 and 22

Two miscarriages

Been hit by a car AND run over by one (2 separate occasions)

Years upon years of running myself into the ground, stress and overwork because I was desperate to break free from my familial cycle.
-I have this overwhelming need to always put on a brave face, to look "fine", to act "fine" and convince myself that everything is FINE and I can handle everything without worrying anyone because that's my job, so best keep my mouth shut and my self busy. No one likes a complainer.

Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember

I suffer from insomnia and migraines

When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every.Night. Always have.

I live with chronic pain

I'm drowning in debt b/c of college, medical bills, ID theft, and life in a dismal economy

(Not a super-sunshiney list. Sorry folks!)

It's all of those things (and more) that make me feel like I must have been Hitler in a previous life....

[It is by no means the worst history, but it's fairly intense.]

To think that I may be even sicker, and have to go deeper into debt is almost too much for me at this point.*

I know people will say that I should be proud of myself for overcoming so much, or point out how all of this has just made me stronger, OR that I've built so much character through a life of adversity...

But with all due respect and at risk of being rude, character and strength can go take a fucking flying leap.

I'm exhausted. And terrified. I'd like the option to take the easy road now, please.

And before you point out that the hard road has led me to be blessed with a wonderful husband and son, I'm on it. It did indeed.

All I'm saying is that I would like to switch lanes now.

[I do want it known that I am extremely GRATEFUL for my Hubs, my son and my friends. Thank you for loving me-for keeping me afloat. You all are my heart.]

I don't freak out about this stuff for myself. It's for my little family.
I want my husband and my son to have the best life possible.

I want my son to have the life I never did. I want my husband** to have a partner, not a liability.

I'm terrified that I have fought and sacrificed and struggled for a future that is never going to come to fruition, and that my entire life is going to be one battle after another....and I've just dragged two more people into the fray.

Perhaps that is too negative of a view, but those are the feelings I am flooded with right now.

I just want some peace.***



Alllllright!

Well thanks for partying with me! I'm gonna go try and put my Big-Girl Panties on now, and resume dealing with life in a mature fashion.



















* Note: just in case anyone was worried, I'm not going to throw myself out the window or anything...I'm just having a rough day, er, week, er MONTH. But still! No need to worry!




** Extra Shout OUT to my hubs who knew ALLLL of this stuff and more whilst we were dating and still wanted to marry me anyway! I know, right? He's a catch.


*** Again, not in the funereal kind of way. Girlfriend just needs a Break!

Well, it's better than a poke in the eye with a stick...

I guess.

Here's the update on Gall-Gate 2010:

My ER bill came to $6000.00.

Yes, that's THOUSAND....

After being on the phone forEVER, and basically being told that I was S.O.L. (because my Hubs makes too much, GUFFAW.)as far as financial assistance goes, I found out that I at least qualify for Share-of-Cost Medi-Cal.

Basically, it means that on a monthly basis, I have a certain amount that I have to pay out of pocket if I seek any kind of medical care--My "Share of Cost". After I meet that amount, any other care I receive within that month is covered, as long as I see a doctor that is a Medi-Cal Provider. If a month goes by and I haven't sought any medical attention, than I owe nothing. I only pay for what I use.

Not too shabby, no?

Sure!

Except my SOC is $2000.00 a month.

$2000.00 a month is pretty much our entire monthly income.

So, yeah. FML, right?

RIGHT.

There's a the silver(ISH) lining:

Because I have the SOC plan in place, I only had to pay $2000 of the $6000 bill. Yaaaay!

BUT, because you have to pay your SOC within the month it was used, there was no option to make payments on the 2 Gs. It was all or nothing, baby.

We had to borrow from my ILs. I have no idea how we're gong to pay them back, because I have appts. to have consultations with the 3 specialists next month, and those will all be out of pocket. Chances are, if they agree with my PCP and schedule surgery, I won't be able to have surgery 'til November. We're still trying to recup after the trips to WV.

Where the HELL are we supposed to pull these funds from?

Hubs and I figure that by the end of it all (if we're lucky), we're going to be looking at $6-8000.00 spent, which is WAY better than it could be, but still enough to cripple me with anxiety.

We've been working so hard to financially stabilize, I feel like all of our work is slowly becoming undone.

I can't fathom how we're going to rebound from this. It's already breaking us financially.

Not to mention, O's bday is coming up, and there's the holidays.

Every Christmas is rough for us b/c Hub's company shuts down for a week during the holiday. It's unpaid.

So every Christmas, we sit at home, somewhat appreciative of the little "vaycay," but panicked over the lost income.


It's gonna be a Blue Christmas, kids.


I'm HOPING that I'll go see all of these specialists, they'll run their tests, and sum it up with:

You're fine!

If I'm being honest with myself, I know SOMETHING isn't fine.

I don't feel well, and haven't for quite some time.

We'll see what happens!

Wish me luck thru this process. I need it.

I'll keep y'all in the loop as much as I can!

I don't even know what to say, other than: F@#K!

I am angry.

I want to throw myself on the floor and have a fit.

That kind of angry.

I ended up in the ER on Saturday morning at 3 am with abdominal pain so bad it made me cry/unable to breathe.
As it had been going on for a week in earnest, I finally relented and went to the ER.

Found out I had gallstones.

The ER referred my to my primary care physician.
[He's technically my MIL's considering I don't have insurance, but I see him when it's urgent]

After talking to him about my current symptoms and the on-going ones I've had for the last year (but kept rationalizing in my head as not a big deal-in my defense, so did others, making me doubt their severity), he told me that I needed to go see not one, not Two, but THREE different specialists.

[A Gastrointerologist, a Urologist, and a Surgeon. Kinda like the nursery rhyme, but more college]

FML.

I won't go into all of it until I have concrete info, but he definitely thinks I need my gall bladder removed, could need bladder surgery, and he thinks I may also have ulcerative colitis or Chrohn's disease.

Hubs is afraid it's Cancer.
{I doubt it.}
He shouldn't be allowed on WebMD anymore.

Sooo, as mentioned before, I'm pissed.

I keep waiting for some good luck to befall us, or for all of our perseverance to finally pay off, and instead, we get more crap to deal with.

I have NO idea how we're going to pay for this.

I will be spending the next week on the phone calling everywhere I can think of to try and get some assistance.

I don't qualify for MediCal, no one will insure me, and the high-risk pools have long waiting lists with even longer price tags, so I've gotta do some digging to see what else is out there. There's gotta be a way to make this cheaper. If not, I suppose there's always bankruptcy....yeeeesh.

Either way, I've gotta start taking care of this ASAP so it doesn't get worse.



My biggest fear in this mess (besides bankruptcy and/or destitution)?

1. I'll go thru all the tests and pay all this money to find out that it's somehow NOTHING

OR,

2. I'll go thru all the tests and it will be Cancer.


[Personally, if I had to pick, I'm shooting for Door #1.]

Well, we're back and stuff.

We're back! Thank GAWWWD.

The trip was a stressOrama moneypit. It was also soul-crushingly depressing for the Hubs and I, BUUUUT WAIT!

It did have its high points FO SHO:

1. O did AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC on both the trip there, and the trip home. He had a couple cranky moments, but nothing major, and Delta airlines just thinks he's a peach. I am one proud Mama. Seriously, I think Hubben and I were crankier than he was.

2. Seeing my Hub's family (we hadn't seen most of them in 3 years, and who knows when we will again?, and we always enjoy our time with them.

3. O meeting those family members.

4. Hub's grandfather's 80th surprise party (after months of planning and stress for my MIL, it went swimmingly).

5. O's christening (he was HANDS DOWN the best-behaved child I've ever seen in a church-I'm not saying that b/c he's mine, either.) was beautiful.

All of that was swell. Warm and Fuzzies all around!

Being stuck without a rental car, Hubs not really having time to look for work/interview (which was why he took an unpaid week off of work) and the amount of money that flew out of of savings account [read: almost ALL] was not. Neither was my body's decision to revolt-making me feel like crap the whole time...My period coming a week early was an especially nice touch.

That could all be overlooked as the perils of traveling, I know.

The knife in our backs was really staying at my Hubby's grandmother's house.

(The house has sat empty for almost 2 years-his Grams now lives in a nursing home)

Why?

Because it was the house we would have moved into if Husbandface had gotten the job.

The house that we spent hours decorating in our minds and making plans for the future. We even talked about having another baby if it happened.

(In hindsight, not the best idea, but we were attempting to be hopeful.)

I think we were both taken aback at how hard it all sort of kicked us in the teeth as we arrived, and kinda hung over us like a shadow the whole week we were there.

We just felt even more stuck. Even farther from where we want so badly to be, if that makes sense...

And I realize that I should have just let.it.GO. but I couldn't stop worrying about money. We absolutely had no business taking a trip (albeit a mandatory one) for a DAY let alone, a WEEK, so I was wracked with panic over it the majority of the trip. I don't think it helped that my darling Hubben was also freaking out over the fact that our plan of him hitting the pavement with a vengeance every day that week to look for jobs/interview pretty much fell flat on its proverbial ass, and there wasn't jack we could do about it.

Did I mention that the Man and I spent that week sleeping on a full-sized bed when we're used to our king? Yeah....

But, we got thru it, and managed to fly home safely with our son (and our marriage) intact.

However, coming back home was rough.

It was like leaving the field utterly defeated.

We walked back through the doors of my IL's house totally broke, having made NO progress while in WV.

Yes, we knew as we left that THAT may be the outcome, but we were trying once again, to be positive.

As for our plan forward, we don't really know. We need a miracle. I've been campaigning for one since I got pregnant with O, so maybe we'll get it eventually.

And before anyone pipes up to tell me how fortunate I already AM, I know.

We are extremely grateful that my husband's parent's have opened their home to us, and even more grateful that through the last few years at least one of us was able to keep his job. We are so thankful for what we have because we know that it could be worse.

That being said, we need to get out on our own. The living with his parents situation is NOT a forever deal. We knew that coming into it, and we've already been here far longer than either party expected or wanted.

Even more pressing, we have a child that we want to give a home to. One that is our own.

Sigh.

On a lighter note,

For the sake of our sanity (and sex life), Hubs and I decided to turn our little "apt." into 2 distinct bedrooms.

You know what that means!


Baby has his OWN room!

It's so cute!

We seriously spent from 9am-12am putting it all together. We totally lucked out b/c friends of ours gave us a crib, and we already had a dresser for him (that we also use as a changing table). So all we needed to buy was a shelving unit for his toys, a crib mattress, some bedding, and some adorable wall decals for art.


Did I mention it looks really cute?!
'Cos it is.
I will add a picture next post.

It's definitely lifted our spirits to give O a nursery. we've been waiting to do that since we got pregnant.

Tonight will be the first night he sleeps in there!

Wish me luck...I'll probably cry more than he does.

Yeah, I know. Lots to still be grateful for. Blah, Blah, BLAH.

So this month has been awesome.

In that "what ELSE can go wrong?" kinda way...

It started off on what could be mistaken for a positive trend, because after posting about the crash and burn of relocation, it seemed like we might actually see the sunshiney face of opportunity after all.

Ummm, yeah, we were wrong.

First there were the interviews for Hubs.

3 of them.

They required flying across the states and taking 2 days of of work (unpaid of course).

We'd just spent $800 dollars on much-needed glasses for ourselves (damn our poorly sighted eyeballs), so we couldn't really afford to go, but at the same time we couldn't really afford NOT to go.

Such is the game of Opportunity...


All seemed to be going well, until they moved the interview for the main job that he really wanted, so it became 3 days instead of 2.

But we persevered. Our savings, not so much....

First interview went swimmingly, but they told him upfront that he probably wouldn't be hired for that position because they felt he was a much better fit for the second position...

Peachy! That's the one he really wanted anyhow.

The second interview also went really well (although Husband initially thought he bombed it), and we were getting excited.

Picking-out-paint-colors-discussing-future-renos-on-a-house excited...

(Meanwhile, the third interview never happened, but it was meant to be more of a part-time gig, so we didn't feel too badly.)

A state job WITH Benes?? It was nothing but blues skiiiiiies for us, baby!


(Ohhh, how naive we were then...)

He flies home.

We hear nothing for 3 days. While we'd heard from a little birdie on the inside that they loved him, and were ready to hire him, we were panicking a little.

And with good reason. Despite the glowing reports and rumors of him being hired right away, they didn't hire him.

An eleventh hour interview by a former state employee with 6 years experience in that exact position had to darken our happy little doorstep.

They said all the things that employers say when you're not hired, and our little insider birdie assured us that it was all legit, and they really would keep him in mind for future openings, but told us frankly:

This is state work. Once someone gets in, they don't leave unless forced. We don't have a lot of turnover, so I can't say when/if we'll be hiring again.

Faaaaanfuckingtastic.


I don't want to begrudge anyone a job, especially in this economy, but coooooome ON.

I can't help but be a little bitter.

I can't even begin to explain how much we needed this. For a multitude of reasons.


On top of all of that, we also got denied for health insurance.

AGAIN.

Which is awesome, as I've been really sick, and been told repeatedly that I need to go see a specialist. But adding yet another pre-existing condition to the list of things they can deny me for? Yeah, that sounds terrific.

Don't even get me stared on paying out-of-pocket to just SEE the specialist...

The high-risk pools?

Holy Black Market Pricing, Batman!

You can't even get on the waiting list 'til October.

ANNND, they don't cover preventative care, just major medical. Like a gnarly car accident. Resulting in death.


If that didn't put a spring in our step, then getting our stroller jacked from Cheesecake Factory, did it for SURE.

Now, in all fairness, it was my fault. Sorta.

I'll explain:

O, MIL, her friend, and I all went to the mall. She had errands, I like air conditioning.

After work, Hubs met us for dinner.

Halfway through, O decides he's done for the day.

My spouse, being the gem that he is, offers to take him home and let me eat my dinner in peace.

Now, the CF won't let you bring your stroller into the dining area, so you have to park it in the lobby.

I LOATHE doing that, because I'm always paranoid that someone will jack my shit.

[What? I grew up in some shady neighborhoods...]

But, I soothed myself with the fact that this was South OC. Who'd want my piddly little Graco when Peg Peregos and McClarens abound?

[There's that pesky naivete, again...]

Anyhoo.

Hubs is going to take the baby, but he can't take the stroller because he's already got our little snap 'n go in his trunk, so our big stroller won't fit.
(Damn "compact" Jetta.)


He asks his mom to grab it as we leave and put in her trunk.
(Her Benz has a massive trunk. It's swank.)

Smart? Why, yes! Thanks for noticing!

He also leaves the behemoth piece of luggage I call the "baby bag" with me, because I need to clean up the swath of cheerios, discarded spoons and abandoned binkies that O has left in his wake.

A perfect plan!

That is, until yesterday.

Spouseface and I decide to go strolling around Disneyland with the monkey, but we wanted to swap with my MIL for the big stroller, because it's safer for crowded areas, and lots of walking.

We're already out running errands at Babies R Us, and the ILs are at Costco, so they decide to meet us there for the swap.

I leave to pee....

I come out, and Husband looks like he's gonna vomit.


"The stoller is gone," he says. "It got left."

As soon as the last word starts to come out of his mouth, the previous plan comes flooding back.

So after quite inappropriately yelling FUCK in a baby store, the restaurant is called.

They don't have it.

Still trying to hope, Mall Security is called (this particular CF location is in a large mall).

They don't have it.

Lost and Found?

NOPE.

After double and triple checking in person, our stroller is gone.

I feel like I'm going to cry and throw up. At.the.same.time.

How could I have walked away WITHOUT my child's stroller?! MOM FAIL.

Not to excuse my idiocy, but I'm fairly certain it's because I didn't have O. I never have one without the other.

Yes, I had his bag, but I think my thoughts focused on the fact that Hubben had the actual baby, which meant stroller/carseat combo to my addled brain.

So you may be saying to yourself:

That means you LOST the stroller, not had it STOLEN.

But wait!

Cheesecake said they didn't have the stroller when they closed that night. They closed at 10pm, we left at 8pm. Suspicious...

Also?

I remember thinking to myself (as Hubs was leaving):

It'll be impossible to forget the stroller because we'll have to walk RIGHT BY it to exit the premises. I didn't see a stroller in sight.


[I'm starting to smell a rat...]

If it were just forgotten then it should've still been waiting for me to claim it at CF, or at least in the Mall's Lost and Found.

But you and I both know that someone walked away with it.

It would be super easy to do.
It's not like I thought to install stroller lowjack...Next time, Next TIME.


Yes, I'm the moron (the exhausted, frazzled, Mommy moron) who forgot my stroller. Does that mean that I deserve to have it stolen?

I say NAY, it doth not.

Who the HELL shiests someone's stroller, anyhow?

I'm sorry, but the "Finders-Keepers" brand of property acquisition does not apply here.

I've said it before, and I will say it again-

To Whomever stole my stroller: You are a WHORE.




That sums up the month's top highlights!

Is everyone else as excited for the shenanigans of September as I am?









You'll be missed, little Graco.