It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.

Pity party, Table for 1?

Yep, that's me.

I hate that I'm sick. I hate that I feel so powerless. I spend nights wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to make our lives okay.

I feel constantly guilty.

Guilty that I'm not healthier.
Guilty that I came into our marriage with so much debt.
Guilty that my family (for the most part) is a bunch of nutjobs.
Guilty that I can't make our financial situation better.
Guilty because I'm so fucking tired all the time.
Guilty because I am not the perfect wife/mother I always wanted to be.

As I sat in bed crying the other night, my husband said:

"Stop blaming yourself for this. You've been through hell in life and that's gotta take its toll on a person. Think about all you've been given to deal with-None of this is your fault!"

Maybe I should think about it...

Let's reflect on that shall we? Get ready to Pity-Party it UP!

The Hit-List: They Just keep on Coming!
(no pun intended...okay, maybe a little.)

Born super-early w/ lots of complications

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which meant a childhood filled with pain and surgery
-also? Bullies. Kids are vicious when you have a walker...and coke-bottle glasses. I was a hot mess.

A violently abusive mother who was also an emotional terrorist. Still is.

I've never known my biological father

A junkie stepfather who was, shall we say, "inappropriate" at times

A violent, unstable, poor household

Too much work and too many obligations starting at a young age
-practically raising myself and my younger siblings
-working since I was 14 to help support my family and later myself
-taking care of the madre. I was more her parent than she was mine

My mother has stolen thousands from me, stole my identity, and for several years, ruined my credit

Raped at both 18 and 22

Two miscarriages

Been hit by a car AND run over by one (2 separate occasions)

Years upon years of running myself into the ground, stress and overwork because I was desperate to break free from my familial cycle.
-I have this overwhelming need to always put on a brave face, to look "fine", to act "fine" and convince myself that everything is FINE and I can handle everything without worrying anyone because that's my job, so best keep my mouth shut and my self busy. No one likes a complainer.

Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember

I suffer from insomnia and migraines

When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every.Night. Always have.

I live with chronic pain

I'm drowning in debt b/c of college, medical bills, ID theft, and life in a dismal economy

(Not a super-sunshiney list. Sorry folks!)

It's all of those things (and more) that make me feel like I must have been Hitler in a previous life....

[It is by no means the worst history, but it's fairly intense.]

To think that I may be even sicker, and have to go deeper into debt is almost too much for me at this point.*

I know people will say that I should be proud of myself for overcoming so much, or point out how all of this has just made me stronger, OR that I've built so much character through a life of adversity...

But with all due respect and at risk of being rude, character and strength can go take a fucking flying leap.

I'm exhausted. And terrified. I'd like the option to take the easy road now, please.

And before you point out that the hard road has led me to be blessed with a wonderful husband and son, I'm on it. It did indeed.

All I'm saying is that I would like to switch lanes now.

[I do want it known that I am extremely GRATEFUL for my Hubs, my son and my friends. Thank you for loving me-for keeping me afloat. You all are my heart.]

I don't freak out about this stuff for myself. It's for my little family.
I want my husband and my son to have the best life possible.

I want my son to have the life I never did. I want my husband** to have a partner, not a liability.

I'm terrified that I have fought and sacrificed and struggled for a future that is never going to come to fruition, and that my entire life is going to be one battle after another....and I've just dragged two more people into the fray.

Perhaps that is too negative of a view, but those are the feelings I am flooded with right now.

I just want some peace.***



Alllllright!

Well thanks for partying with me! I'm gonna go try and put my Big-Girl Panties on now, and resume dealing with life in a mature fashion.



















* Note: just in case anyone was worried, I'm not going to throw myself out the window or anything...I'm just having a rough day, er, week, er MONTH. But still! No need to worry!




** Extra Shout OUT to my hubs who knew ALLLL of this stuff and more whilst we were dating and still wanted to marry me anyway! I know, right? He's a catch.


*** Again, not in the funereal kind of way. Girlfriend just needs a Break!

Well, it's better than a poke in the eye with a stick...

I guess.

Here's the update on Gall-Gate 2010:

My ER bill came to $6000.00.

Yes, that's THOUSAND....

After being on the phone forEVER, and basically being told that I was S.O.L. (because my Hubs makes too much, GUFFAW.)as far as financial assistance goes, I found out that I at least qualify for Share-of-Cost Medi-Cal.

Basically, it means that on a monthly basis, I have a certain amount that I have to pay out of pocket if I seek any kind of medical care--My "Share of Cost". After I meet that amount, any other care I receive within that month is covered, as long as I see a doctor that is a Medi-Cal Provider. If a month goes by and I haven't sought any medical attention, than I owe nothing. I only pay for what I use.

Not too shabby, no?

Sure!

Except my SOC is $2000.00 a month.

$2000.00 a month is pretty much our entire monthly income.

So, yeah. FML, right?

RIGHT.

There's a the silver(ISH) lining:

Because I have the SOC plan in place, I only had to pay $2000 of the $6000 bill. Yaaaay!

BUT, because you have to pay your SOC within the month it was used, there was no option to make payments on the 2 Gs. It was all or nothing, baby.

We had to borrow from my ILs. I have no idea how we're gong to pay them back, because I have appts. to have consultations with the 3 specialists next month, and those will all be out of pocket. Chances are, if they agree with my PCP and schedule surgery, I won't be able to have surgery 'til November. We're still trying to recup after the trips to WV.

Where the HELL are we supposed to pull these funds from?

Hubs and I figure that by the end of it all (if we're lucky), we're going to be looking at $6-8000.00 spent, which is WAY better than it could be, but still enough to cripple me with anxiety.

We've been working so hard to financially stabilize, I feel like all of our work is slowly becoming undone.

I can't fathom how we're going to rebound from this. It's already breaking us financially.

Not to mention, O's bday is coming up, and there's the holidays.

Every Christmas is rough for us b/c Hub's company shuts down for a week during the holiday. It's unpaid.

So every Christmas, we sit at home, somewhat appreciative of the little "vaycay," but panicked over the lost income.


It's gonna be a Blue Christmas, kids.


I'm HOPING that I'll go see all of these specialists, they'll run their tests, and sum it up with:

You're fine!

If I'm being honest with myself, I know SOMETHING isn't fine.

I don't feel well, and haven't for quite some time.

We'll see what happens!

Wish me luck thru this process. I need it.

I'll keep y'all in the loop as much as I can!

When it hurts to brush your hair...

Maybe it's time to mellow out a tad.

I've been a little stressed lately.

I thought I was handling it pretty well. Sure, I stayed awake at night trying to figure out how to fix all our (and the world's) evils, but I've been doing that since I was eight, so status quo right?


This morning, as I'm getting ready for the day, I start brushing through my bird's nest, and it hurts. Not-ripping-out-the-tanglies kind of hurt, either. My scalp was sore and tender....WTF?


I have a scalp full of raw spots and scabs.

(Sexy, MMMmmhmm.)

Confused, I go about my morning by returning the health insurance guy's call.

As I listen to him tell me that because of our (but mostly MY) health history, insurance will cost us $400 a month (bestest case scenario, and not likely) to up to $700 a month (more likely scenario), if we get approved AT ALL--I begin raking my nails through my hair.

Then my hubby calls to tell me that he's sitting at work doing NOTHING because they're internet is down (they're an interwebs-based workplace), and after a rather annoying convo with their provider, they discover that the reason they have no intertoobs is because the bill hasn't been paid, and there is an outstanding balance.

As paying the bills are the higher-ups responsibility (who live out of the country and only communicate via the web, ohhh wait...), and they just recently "laid-off" the accountant, my hubs and crew can do nothing but sit there and hope one of them can eventually catch them by phone (remember that rusted-out method of communication? No?) so this situation can be remedied {read: PAID.}...

I don't know about you, but to ME, this does not bode well to the stability of my spouse's job. Which does not bode well to our ability to pay our bills. Which does not bode well for either of us maintaining sanity. Or a good credit score.

But, I did not want to have a freak-out fest, and rile up my already wound up husband (who I know is picturing us living in a cardboard box feeding O cat food or me running off with the pool boy that we don't have because at least his job is stable--renaming O "Pablo"), so I took a deep breath and told him I'm sure it was probably just an oversight.

As I hung up, I realized that my nails were entrenched in my scalp, and upon inspection, there was a tiny bit of blood under a few of my fingernails.

I honestly didn't even realize that I was doing that all the time.

Looking back, I do, but as we all know, hindsight is better than therapy-blah, blah, blah.

Maybe I shouldn't have quit biting my nails?

Let's just call this Free Association, shall we?

Things on my mind: AKA things I-stress-about-and-drive-myself-nuts-with

Owen is 8 months and crawling. WOAH.

We still live with my in-laws. This August will be TWO years. WHAT?

We need health insurance, Like last year. Pre-existing conditions make that impossible/muy Arm and a Leggy. SUCK.

Chronic fatigue blows. You look fine, so people want you to BE fine, but you're not. REALLY.

Cerebral Palsy blows. I'm am SUPER lucky that (thru PT and massive surgery as a child)for the most part, I look fine/live normally but as previously stated, I'm not. SWEAR.

I will never drive a car. Yes, I probably could finagle my way into a Driver's License and behind the wheel, but it's not safe, so I ain't gonna, no matter how much protestation arises. EVER.

I think I'm going a little gray. I am devastated. PATHETIC.

My husband is an amazing man, and it breaks my heart to see him feel so defeated all the time. SIGH.

I'm growing super weary of always feeling "a day late and a dollar short," but I'm sooo grateful that at least it's only a dollar now. PROGRESS.

Should I feel guiltier for not going back to work? Given our financial sitch, I know people think I'm being a choosy beggar (and who likes those?), but I would be working just to pay for childcare, and I cannot fathom working just to leave O with strangers, just to come home and be too exhausted to spend any time with him. BOOO.

I want my libido to come back. I think my husband feels neglected. He used to feel a bit "overworked". TMI?

I worry that O will feel like he's missing out b/c his mommy is disabled. SOB.

Sallie Mae is well on its way to owning me for the rest of my life, for a degree I have never (in the professional sense) used. FAIL.

That degree is technically how I met my husband. An $80,000 husband. WIN? (yes.)

My new mantra (in efforts to be more positive) is: Be Positive, Be Patient, yet Be (realistically)Proactive. We'll see how it goes. SLOWLY.

Want to be a great wife, a great mother, and a great friend while still maintaining time for myself which makes me feel selfish, but hello? I know intellectually it's not, so I'm striving for that balance. POSSIBLE?

Should I be teaching O more? WE read and sing together, we listen to classical and classic punk? We talk to him and snuggle him all the time, but is that enough? Should he already be learning to read and know sign language and speak Latin, and have mastered the art of French cuisine? Have I doomed him to a life of mediocrity because he watches Sesame Street so I can fold laundry? NEUROSIS.

I could really go for some Yogurtland and a pedicure right about now. DREAMING.

Instead i have to go pick up and kiss my baby who just woke up from his nap. AWESOME!