Square One Again: Familiar, but Not Comforting.

I should be sleeping, but I can't.
My mind is a whirlygig of worries and "what-ifs"
(Say THAT 5 times fast!)

I have my moments where I'm going through the day as though things are fine.
It's almost as if the Husband is just home on a long weekend...

but then I'll remember:
He was laid off. We have no income.

And my chest seizes up-- my eyes start to burn from tears...

What are we gonna do?

Keeps on ringing through my head.

I am paralyzed by fear of what could come, what IS coming if he doesn't find a job within the month.

I am angry and defeated at/by the circumstances.
Ones that we are no strangers to...

Weren't we JUST here?

In the summer of  2007, we were riding high.
New apartment, new engagement, our lives beginning.
Money was tight, yet we were making it...

But just as we got settled, Huz got laid off.
After 4 months of struggling on 1 income, he got a new job.
We could get back on track!

Then my job went out the window.
4 more months of struggling, and I finally found a new job.
It was at a pay cut, but it had potential.

We began to climb out of the hole that was rapidly starting to form...

A week before our wedding, I was laid off.
The economy was tanking--they couldn't afford to keep me...
And let me go two days shy of 90 days, so I didn't even qualify for unemployment.

That was March of 2008.
By July, I still didn't have work.
We were barely limping along.
All we could afford was our rent and utilities.

Everything else went to shit.

We owed all of our billers
Our credit cards were maxed
Our accounts were delinquent
There was no savings to speak of, or money in general.

Our lease was up on the 1st of August and they were jacking our rent up.
We  frantically tried to find another place to live, but didn't meet any of the income/credit requirements.

(in CA most buildings mandate that you pass a credit check and make at least 3xs your rent amount to qualify for tenancy)

None of our friends were in a position to help us, so we did the one thing, the LAST thing we wanted to do:

Called my husband's parents and begged.
 It was as demoralizing as you might expect...

They, rightfully, felt like we (as married adults) should figure it out ourselves and said no.
But when it became clear that it was their house or our 2003 Jetta, they consented.

So we packed up our apartment into a storage unit, gave away our dog (who we ADORED) and drove over to their house.

(On the way, we rear-ended someone. I should have known then that we were in for a difficult road)

We thought it was going to be a couple months...


As I talked about several times here in these "pages," it's been almost 3 years.

A much harder and less fruitful 3 years than I think anyone expected, but there was positivity and SOME  progress.

We were finally at a point were there were no more collectors calling, no more delinquencies.
There still wasn't any savings (thanks to medical bills and needing a new car, OH, and having a child), but there were a few bucks in the bank and our bills were getting paid in full and on time.

Still had a shitload of debt and I had no idea when we'd be able to have our own place; worrying about money constantly, but I could always say:

At LEAST the bills are getting paid. 
We are providing for our son.


Now We can't say that.
I paid what I could for this month--still trying to figure out the rest...
There will be nothing left for next month.

As I said in my previous post, because of my in-laws, O will not go hungry, and we will have a roof, but what about everything else?

I know this is going to drive us deeper into debt--how much deeper?
What about our credit? (Which was finally cleaned up)
What about our CAR?
Am I going to have to default on my student loans?

How long will it take us to rebound from this, when we haven't even fully recovered from the last time?

We want to move forward.
We want to be optimistic.
We're wishing for that miracle...

But looking at our peers and the economy around us, we know we have to be frank with ourselves.

We're trying to be proactive.
We've got resumes flying and we're following up on every lead that crosses our path...
We're doing everything we can, but we know that's not enough.


It's taking a toll on us. On every level.

We will weather it, I hope, but how beat up will we be coming out on the other side?
I'm not sure I want to know... 









Thank you to everyone who has commented/emailed/tweeted/texted/called us.
Thank you for your support, encouragement, prayers and hope for us.
Thank you for keeping your eyes peeled and ears open.
Thank you for listening.
We really appreciate it.
We need it.

The Silver Unemployment Line(ing)?

A pet peeve of mine?

When you’re really upset over something legitimately crappy and someone gives you that patronizing sigh and says:

Well, It COULD be WORSE*, you know...

Trust me, I’m fully aware of that thank you, but could you give me a freaking minute??

(Worse still? “Blessing in Disguise…” Makes me see RED.)

My Husband was laid off last Monday.

He had to repeat it to me at least 5 times before the words even started making sense…

He’s been with them for almost 4 years.

From the BEGINNING…

When the owner was still operating out of his dad’s house.

Huz was instrumental in getting their office up and running.
He WAS that damn office for the first year and a half.

Organizing/Cataloging their inventory.

Training the other employees.
Making connections with vendors and customers alike.
Helping to BUILD.

And his boss just walked in last Monday afternoon, after he’d worked almost a full day, handed him unemployment paperwork and said:

“We’re Sorry.”

With that, he had to pack up his shit, hand over his key and vacate the premises.

No explanation.

Not even two weeks pay.

The other two employees in the office?

The ones MY Husband trained?

Still have their jobs.

We were completely floored.

Yes, it was tiny company.

Yes, business was slow.

But they kept saying that his job was fine.

We naively assumed that he would be the LAST person to go.

Not that I wish for anyone else to be unemployed, but it’s pretty sad when loyalty/hard work means NOTHING.

We haven’t got any savings or any real money in our bank account.

We are now a zero-income family.

With a child and $2000 a month in bills to cover.

[With about a $100,000 in debt from student loans/medical bills/car loan that we're trying to repay, the bulk of which can't be declared in Bankruptcy, so that option is out]

Fucking HELL.

I am panicked.

My husband is panicked. He just represses it better.

I spent the last 3 days vomiting; I’m pretty sure due to stress.

No, we will not go homeless or hungry, thanks to the in-laws, and that is HUGE…

But it’s hard to breathe a sigh of relief when there are all these bills hanging over our heads….

[and we all know the domino effect that begins when those bills don't get paid on time or ya know, AT ALL....]

If you’ve read this blog for a decent length of time, you’ll know that money was already a huge issue for our family—a constant source of worry/stress/fear, and that was WITH a full-time paycheck.

I don’t know what the fuck we’re going to do.

I paid the car insurance

The car payment

The phone bill

Our DMP bill

And bought diapers/wipes for the month.

That’s ALL, folks. We are tapped.

I had a melt-down this afternoon when I realized we were out of milk for O and had no money for groceries…Of Course the ILs got the milk, but just the realization of being that tapped sent me to a dark place...

Spouseface applied for unemployment, and we’ve applied for Medi-Cal…hopefully we’ll be approved and both will start soon, but UE is barely gonna make a dent.

Huz needs to find a job ASAP.  Like yesterday.

Did I mention the $5000 ER bills we got in the mail? With the notification that more are probably on their way?

It’s a party over here, people.

I’m giving out panic attacks and the nervous shits as party favors.

Wooooooo!

Help is on its way, right?

......Crickets.....

Fuck.

Insomnia?
Suuuuure. Why not!

Parrrrrty!

*My heart goes out to all of the families out there struggling like we are, but ESPECIALLY to those families who are victims of natural disasters. I DO know that it could be truly worse, and that I am lucky in my own way.

No Dice. As Per The Usual.

I didn't get the job.

While I knew that was probably going to be the case, I was trying to remain positive.

[And we all know how I feel about optimism....]

They didn't even offer to keep my resume on file or promise to keep me in mind for future openings.

The email basically said:

Thanks, but no thanks.  We hired someone more qualified than you.  Good luck with your job search.

Again, I wasn't surprised, but I was still crushed.

I WANTED that job.
Despite my initial nervousness about working full-time again, I knew that I would be good at it.
Being able to get back into the writing world (even in such a small way) would have been...well, never mind.

More than WANT, this job was a NEED.

We needed this job.
We need a break.
We keep trying to make forward progress and it's always 1 step forward, 3 back...

We are chained to money...or lack thereof...

I feel like that's an all-too-familiar refrain in our lives.

You have my sympathies, if it is for you as well.

Sigh.....

Fuck.

Not eloquent or pretty, but all I can say....

Mice and Men and All That Rot...

I had an interview today...my first in a very long time.

A job I really wanted, thought I could do really well in, and that would be all-miraculous for us financially...

Hooray! Silver linings and lights at the end of tunnels! 

I feel like the interview TUH-AAANKED.

I was prepared.  I researched.  I made helpful notes for myself...

First question out of the shoot went bad-
and it was all downhill from there.

I'm fairly disgusted with myself.  
I should have trusted my gut and I didn't.

Maybe it was better than I thought....

Fuck, I hope so.

A legitimate Work-from-Home job?

I spotted a Unicorn, People!
I don't want it disappearing into the mists of impossibility again!

Sigh.


If I drank, I would need one right about now...

Eh.

I need to be a grown up about this and move forward with a positive attitude.







Hey, I think there's Milanos in the pantry!

What?
Emotional eating?
ME?

 Please.
Someone as self-aware and professional as I, would never self-soothe with cookies....

There's also Cheezits.

Money MATTERS.

There's lots of sayings about money.

It's the root of all evil...
It can't buy Love...
It apparently doesn't grow on trees...
A penny of it saved is a penny of it earned...
It's ONLY $$... (the person who says that usually HAS it, I've found)

It AND be short AND late...


Etc.


We are a culture of money.
It makes our world go 'round, or stop, depending...


I think about money all of the time.
I go to bed thinking about it, I wake up thinking about it.
My husband and I argue about it all the time.
I worry about how money will affect our future, my son's future.
I worry about the toll it might take on my marriage.

Worry Worry Worry!

Will we ever be able to move out of my IL's?

Will we ever be able to relocate out of CA?

Will we ever have a savings?

Will we ever be debt free?

Will we ever be able to buy a home?

Will we ever be able to have another baby?

Will we be able to send said children to college?

Will my husband ever be able to finish college?

Will we ever be able to just fucking breathe a little bit?

We try to be smart and responsible.  We try to make good choices.  We try to keep pushing forward.
I watch for sales, clip coupons, I use any customer savings card I can get my hands on, shop Craig's List, gladly accept hand-me-downs, and I always try to plan ahead.  Frugality is a way of life!



Even so-
Sometimes we spend a little too much.
Not like Hookers-and-Blow too much, but eating out (of the Del Taco not the Morton's Steakhouse variety) when we shouldn't or buying gifts on special occasions when we should have just gotten each other a card... We know that we should be more stringent, but it's difficult to say:
NO all. the. time.
Sure, every little bit helps, but when you're chipping away at a mountain range, sometimes you just want that "little bit" to be a bit more fun.


Sigh.


But fun doesn't pay the bills.


I'm really frustrated because I feel like my whole life is wrapped up in money.

Can we afford this?

No we can't do that-Go there-Buy this-Save what?

If we drive to see this person, it will take this much gas...

We have x amount of days to make y amount of dollars last...

If this happens then we'll be set back x amount...

Maybe we can start saving more money after ________

It'll be this many months/weeks/years 'til _____________________is paid off

and so on. Always down to the wire, down to the penny. There's never any wiggle room.

Based on a biweekly, full 80 hrs of pay--by the time we are done paying our our bills, rent (which is a tiny amount, so if we paid real rent we'd be screwed), necessities for O, and gas? We are left with $300 for the month. That's not including savings or groceries.


It's amazing how how fast $300 bucks for a family of 3 depletes.
G-d Help us if there's an emergency or a sick day....

Husband is trying to find a second job.  It's been a frustrating and fruitless process thus far, and he loses the will to even look sometimes.

That is understandable, but we have GOT to HUSTLE.
Becaaaaaaauuuuuuuse-


We have decided once and for all, (after going over every scenario) that I will not be going back to work.

Given the financial quandary we are in, you might think we're ridiculous but given my health, and the cost of daycare-my gong to work does not make financial sense. When I was laid off, I did not leave behind a career, I left an hourly wage. A wage by the way, that was less than my spouse's, even though I had a degree...

On top of full-time day care (and a new wardrobe as I haven't worked in 3 years), we would also end up probably doubling our gas costs as my husband would have to be my transportation...This would pretty much cancel out any money I might be able to earn.

So we asked ourselves: What was the benefit? Neither one of us want O in daycare, and the last thing we need is for me to run myself further into the ground.

And in an much-needed epiphany, I stopped feeling guilty and realized:


I have a job.  I am a mother.  I take good care of my son, and as wife, I take good care of my husband. I keep our lives and our money in order (as best as I possibly can).


It's a hard, 24/7 kind of position.
Unfortunately, the hourly rate is hugs and kisses.
I love it.


 However, Hugs and Kisses, much like Fun, doesn't fatten our bank account.

Husband needs to find a night job.

In the meantime,

I've been looking for at-home work, but I'm fairly certain I'd have better luck finding a Unicorn. 
I don't know anyone who works from home that didn't transition to that from a 9-5 position.

I've tried selling Avon/Mary Kay/PartyLite, etc. and it was just not successful. I didn't make any money and neither did my friends...

In my experience, both in my own ventures and those of friends--to make money in those arenas it's important to have the money to invest in a good inventory, so there's product on hand, it's important to have a car so you can get back and forth to your clients, parties, and the like, and finally? It's important to have a place of your own from which to run said business.

I'm 0 for 3 at the moment.


Now,  it doesn't help that I'm not the world's best salesperson. I won't push someone into something they can't use or can't afford. I will be the one to tell them where they can find a product that works just-as-good and costs less over at the local Target of Walgreen's.  Oops.


[Please don't think I'm dissing any salesladies out there. I'm not. If you make a living selling your wares, go on w/yo bad self! I'm just saying that I DIDN'T/can't]


I'm thinking that maybe there isn't a Pink Cadillac in my future...not that I could drive it anyway. Ha!





What do we do?  I DO NOT know.
BUT, I'm praying daily for a miracle.


I know that we are so much better off than a LOT of families. I fully realize that. And I am THANKFUL.



But in terms of our life?  Our goals?  Our needs?


I'm frustrated.  Scared.  Cornered.


I grew up poor.  We didn't live on the streets, but we got welfare and food stamps.  Moved from apartment to apartment, motel to motel.  Basic necessities weren't always so basic.  We didn't own anything, and everything was always unstable.  There were times when things were good, or easier, but it never lasted.

You never knew when the bottom was going to drop out.
You were made to feel guilty for needing anything, for wanting anything.


I hated living that way.  I swore that I would NEVER end up that way and that my children would NEVER know what that felt like.  I swore that my marriage would not be filled with fights and endless struggling over the Almighty Dollar, but I see signs of that beginning despite all my efforts to avoid it.







What is it that they say about "the best-laid plans?"


...Sigh.

Yeah, I know. Lots to still be grateful for. Blah, Blah, BLAH.

So this month has been awesome.

In that "what ELSE can go wrong?" kinda way...

It started off on what could be mistaken for a positive trend, because after posting about the crash and burn of relocation, it seemed like we might actually see the sunshiney face of opportunity after all.

Ummm, yeah, we were wrong.

First there were the interviews for Hubs.

3 of them.

They required flying across the states and taking 2 days of of work (unpaid of course).

We'd just spent $800 dollars on much-needed glasses for ourselves (damn our poorly sighted eyeballs), so we couldn't really afford to go, but at the same time we couldn't really afford NOT to go.

Such is the game of Opportunity...


All seemed to be going well, until they moved the interview for the main job that he really wanted, so it became 3 days instead of 2.

But we persevered. Our savings, not so much....

First interview went swimmingly, but they told him upfront that he probably wouldn't be hired for that position because they felt he was a much better fit for the second position...

Peachy! That's the one he really wanted anyhow.

The second interview also went really well (although Husband initially thought he bombed it), and we were getting excited.

Picking-out-paint-colors-discussing-future-renos-on-a-house excited...

(Meanwhile, the third interview never happened, but it was meant to be more of a part-time gig, so we didn't feel too badly.)

A state job WITH Benes?? It was nothing but blues skiiiiiies for us, baby!


(Ohhh, how naive we were then...)

He flies home.

We hear nothing for 3 days. While we'd heard from a little birdie on the inside that they loved him, and were ready to hire him, we were panicking a little.

And with good reason. Despite the glowing reports and rumors of him being hired right away, they didn't hire him.

An eleventh hour interview by a former state employee with 6 years experience in that exact position had to darken our happy little doorstep.

They said all the things that employers say when you're not hired, and our little insider birdie assured us that it was all legit, and they really would keep him in mind for future openings, but told us frankly:

This is state work. Once someone gets in, they don't leave unless forced. We don't have a lot of turnover, so I can't say when/if we'll be hiring again.

Faaaaanfuckingtastic.


I don't want to begrudge anyone a job, especially in this economy, but coooooome ON.

I can't help but be a little bitter.

I can't even begin to explain how much we needed this. For a multitude of reasons.


On top of all of that, we also got denied for health insurance.

AGAIN.

Which is awesome, as I've been really sick, and been told repeatedly that I need to go see a specialist. But adding yet another pre-existing condition to the list of things they can deny me for? Yeah, that sounds terrific.

Don't even get me stared on paying out-of-pocket to just SEE the specialist...

The high-risk pools?

Holy Black Market Pricing, Batman!

You can't even get on the waiting list 'til October.

ANNND, they don't cover preventative care, just major medical. Like a gnarly car accident. Resulting in death.


If that didn't put a spring in our step, then getting our stroller jacked from Cheesecake Factory, did it for SURE.

Now, in all fairness, it was my fault. Sorta.

I'll explain:

O, MIL, her friend, and I all went to the mall. She had errands, I like air conditioning.

After work, Hubs met us for dinner.

Halfway through, O decides he's done for the day.

My spouse, being the gem that he is, offers to take him home and let me eat my dinner in peace.

Now, the CF won't let you bring your stroller into the dining area, so you have to park it in the lobby.

I LOATHE doing that, because I'm always paranoid that someone will jack my shit.

[What? I grew up in some shady neighborhoods...]

But, I soothed myself with the fact that this was South OC. Who'd want my piddly little Graco when Peg Peregos and McClarens abound?

[There's that pesky naivete, again...]

Anyhoo.

Hubs is going to take the baby, but he can't take the stroller because he's already got our little snap 'n go in his trunk, so our big stroller won't fit.
(Damn "compact" Jetta.)


He asks his mom to grab it as we leave and put in her trunk.
(Her Benz has a massive trunk. It's swank.)

Smart? Why, yes! Thanks for noticing!

He also leaves the behemoth piece of luggage I call the "baby bag" with me, because I need to clean up the swath of cheerios, discarded spoons and abandoned binkies that O has left in his wake.

A perfect plan!

That is, until yesterday.

Spouseface and I decide to go strolling around Disneyland with the monkey, but we wanted to swap with my MIL for the big stroller, because it's safer for crowded areas, and lots of walking.

We're already out running errands at Babies R Us, and the ILs are at Costco, so they decide to meet us there for the swap.

I leave to pee....

I come out, and Husband looks like he's gonna vomit.


"The stoller is gone," he says. "It got left."

As soon as the last word starts to come out of his mouth, the previous plan comes flooding back.

So after quite inappropriately yelling FUCK in a baby store, the restaurant is called.

They don't have it.

Still trying to hope, Mall Security is called (this particular CF location is in a large mall).

They don't have it.

Lost and Found?

NOPE.

After double and triple checking in person, our stroller is gone.

I feel like I'm going to cry and throw up. At.the.same.time.

How could I have walked away WITHOUT my child's stroller?! MOM FAIL.

Not to excuse my idiocy, but I'm fairly certain it's because I didn't have O. I never have one without the other.

Yes, I had his bag, but I think my thoughts focused on the fact that Hubben had the actual baby, which meant stroller/carseat combo to my addled brain.

So you may be saying to yourself:

That means you LOST the stroller, not had it STOLEN.

But wait!

Cheesecake said they didn't have the stroller when they closed that night. They closed at 10pm, we left at 8pm. Suspicious...

Also?

I remember thinking to myself (as Hubs was leaving):

It'll be impossible to forget the stroller because we'll have to walk RIGHT BY it to exit the premises. I didn't see a stroller in sight.


[I'm starting to smell a rat...]

If it were just forgotten then it should've still been waiting for me to claim it at CF, or at least in the Mall's Lost and Found.

But you and I both know that someone walked away with it.

It would be super easy to do.
It's not like I thought to install stroller lowjack...Next time, Next TIME.


Yes, I'm the moron (the exhausted, frazzled, Mommy moron) who forgot my stroller. Does that mean that I deserve to have it stolen?

I say NAY, it doth not.

Who the HELL shiests someone's stroller, anyhow?

I'm sorry, but the "Finders-Keepers" brand of property acquisition does not apply here.

I've said it before, and I will say it again-

To Whomever stole my stroller: You are a WHORE.




That sums up the month's top highlights!

Is everyone else as excited for the shenanigans of September as I am?









You'll be missed, little Graco.

When it hurts to brush your hair...

Maybe it's time to mellow out a tad.

I've been a little stressed lately.

I thought I was handling it pretty well. Sure, I stayed awake at night trying to figure out how to fix all our (and the world's) evils, but I've been doing that since I was eight, so status quo right?


This morning, as I'm getting ready for the day, I start brushing through my bird's nest, and it hurts. Not-ripping-out-the-tanglies kind of hurt, either. My scalp was sore and tender....WTF?


I have a scalp full of raw spots and scabs.

(Sexy, MMMmmhmm.)

Confused, I go about my morning by returning the health insurance guy's call.

As I listen to him tell me that because of our (but mostly MY) health history, insurance will cost us $400 a month (bestest case scenario, and not likely) to up to $700 a month (more likely scenario), if we get approved AT ALL--I begin raking my nails through my hair.

Then my hubby calls to tell me that he's sitting at work doing NOTHING because they're internet is down (they're an interwebs-based workplace), and after a rather annoying convo with their provider, they discover that the reason they have no intertoobs is because the bill hasn't been paid, and there is an outstanding balance.

As paying the bills are the higher-ups responsibility (who live out of the country and only communicate via the web, ohhh wait...), and they just recently "laid-off" the accountant, my hubs and crew can do nothing but sit there and hope one of them can eventually catch them by phone (remember that rusted-out method of communication? No?) so this situation can be remedied {read: PAID.}...

I don't know about you, but to ME, this does not bode well to the stability of my spouse's job. Which does not bode well to our ability to pay our bills. Which does not bode well for either of us maintaining sanity. Or a good credit score.

But, I did not want to have a freak-out fest, and rile up my already wound up husband (who I know is picturing us living in a cardboard box feeding O cat food or me running off with the pool boy that we don't have because at least his job is stable--renaming O "Pablo"), so I took a deep breath and told him I'm sure it was probably just an oversight.

As I hung up, I realized that my nails were entrenched in my scalp, and upon inspection, there was a tiny bit of blood under a few of my fingernails.

I honestly didn't even realize that I was doing that all the time.

Looking back, I do, but as we all know, hindsight is better than therapy-blah, blah, blah.

Maybe I shouldn't have quit biting my nails?