Starting Over?

When you start blogging/tweeting/etc., it takes awhile to get into a good rhythm, to figure it all out and set up your internet life....it took me forfuckingever.

And just as I felt like I was really hitting my stride, life intervened.

If you read this blog regularly (as I know all of you DO, of course, ahem.), then you know that this spring/summer for us was kinda shitastic...

I shut down for a while and hid from life.
I went through the motions of day-to-day routines, but I wasn't all there.

I stopped blogging, I stopped tweeting, I stopped reading, I stopped connecting.

The longer I did it, the more guilty I felt.

So like a child, I just hid even deeper under the bed.

I felt like I had let people down.

There are people that will read this and think:

For fuck's sake, lady. It's JUST the internet.

Not for me.

These "silly" social media outlets have become a community of friends, a place of accountability, a form of therapy, and a challenge of authenticity.

I do indeed have a real life and real friends, outside of my web-self, but real life and real friendships happen on the these digital fields as well, sometimes even more so, if that makes any sense.

So by not keeping up with this part of my life, by not contributing to it, and to the people who are in it, I feel like I have been a poor friend, and an irresponsible blogger.

I'm sorry. I really am.


Trying to come back is proving harder than I thought...
but I'm working on it.


Depression has been a big factor, but I gave in and upped my dose, and am feeling much better.

Although I recieved a letter today that my Medi-Cal will terminate on the 20th.
Sigh.
Always something....

Our miscarriage is still haunting me a bit, and every time I get my period I tear up, but the pain is beginning to ease in it's own way...

All you can do is look forward, right?
 
Life is settling in that with Huz's new job we can finally pay our bills, but crazy in that his hours and travel have put us on on a whole new schedule.

O is two now (can you believe it?!), and is a wild thing.
He keeps me running from sun up to sundown...literally. And then some.

Highlights?

He's decided that everything in the household should be spread out on every inch of the floor, that the refrigerator is good place to just sit and chill (pun intended), has finally escaped from the confines of his crib, and sees a diaper change as guerrilla warfare.

It's a party.

He's so cute though, it's unreal. And smart.
Daddy and I don't stand a CHANCE.

Huzzy's job is going well, and we are slowly cleaning up some of our financial debris.
I say slowly because money keeps finding a way to fly out of our asses...

This week?
A computer monitor meltdown and a tire blow out.
Oh, mmmhmm. Joy.

STILL, we're getting a regular paycheck, which is nothing to shake a stick at....

We're hoping to move out of the in-laws house in the next 6 months or so.
It's time.
It's BEEN time.

We'll see if we can pull it off.
We pretty much feel like this is a "Hell-or-High-Water" kind of situation.

Have I ever mentioned that Southern CA is disgustingly expensive?
Yeah, about that...
Ugggh.

I've really missed you all.
I've missed sharing in your lives.
I've missed all this community brings to mine.

Thank you.

I hope I find my place again.

Square One Again: Familiar, but Not Comforting.

I should be sleeping, but I can't.
My mind is a whirlygig of worries and "what-ifs"
(Say THAT 5 times fast!)

I have my moments where I'm going through the day as though things are fine.
It's almost as if the Husband is just home on a long weekend...

but then I'll remember:
He was laid off. We have no income.

And my chest seizes up-- my eyes start to burn from tears...

What are we gonna do?

Keeps on ringing through my head.

I am paralyzed by fear of what could come, what IS coming if he doesn't find a job within the month.

I am angry and defeated at/by the circumstances.
Ones that we are no strangers to...

Weren't we JUST here?

In the summer of  2007, we were riding high.
New apartment, new engagement, our lives beginning.
Money was tight, yet we were making it...

But just as we got settled, Huz got laid off.
After 4 months of struggling on 1 income, he got a new job.
We could get back on track!

Then my job went out the window.
4 more months of struggling, and I finally found a new job.
It was at a pay cut, but it had potential.

We began to climb out of the hole that was rapidly starting to form...

A week before our wedding, I was laid off.
The economy was tanking--they couldn't afford to keep me...
And let me go two days shy of 90 days, so I didn't even qualify for unemployment.

That was March of 2008.
By July, I still didn't have work.
We were barely limping along.
All we could afford was our rent and utilities.

Everything else went to shit.

We owed all of our billers
Our credit cards were maxed
Our accounts were delinquent
There was no savings to speak of, or money in general.

Our lease was up on the 1st of August and they were jacking our rent up.
We  frantically tried to find another place to live, but didn't meet any of the income/credit requirements.

(in CA most buildings mandate that you pass a credit check and make at least 3xs your rent amount to qualify for tenancy)

None of our friends were in a position to help us, so we did the one thing, the LAST thing we wanted to do:

Called my husband's parents and begged.
 It was as demoralizing as you might expect...

They, rightfully, felt like we (as married adults) should figure it out ourselves and said no.
But when it became clear that it was their house or our 2003 Jetta, they consented.

So we packed up our apartment into a storage unit, gave away our dog (who we ADORED) and drove over to their house.

(On the way, we rear-ended someone. I should have known then that we were in for a difficult road)

We thought it was going to be a couple months...


As I talked about several times here in these "pages," it's been almost 3 years.

A much harder and less fruitful 3 years than I think anyone expected, but there was positivity and SOME  progress.

We were finally at a point were there were no more collectors calling, no more delinquencies.
There still wasn't any savings (thanks to medical bills and needing a new car, OH, and having a child), but there were a few bucks in the bank and our bills were getting paid in full and on time.

Still had a shitload of debt and I had no idea when we'd be able to have our own place; worrying about money constantly, but I could always say:

At LEAST the bills are getting paid. 
We are providing for our son.


Now We can't say that.
I paid what I could for this month--still trying to figure out the rest...
There will be nothing left for next month.

As I said in my previous post, because of my in-laws, O will not go hungry, and we will have a roof, but what about everything else?

I know this is going to drive us deeper into debt--how much deeper?
What about our credit? (Which was finally cleaned up)
What about our CAR?
Am I going to have to default on my student loans?

How long will it take us to rebound from this, when we haven't even fully recovered from the last time?

We want to move forward.
We want to be optimistic.
We're wishing for that miracle...

But looking at our peers and the economy around us, we know we have to be frank with ourselves.

We're trying to be proactive.
We've got resumes flying and we're following up on every lead that crosses our path...
We're doing everything we can, but we know that's not enough.


It's taking a toll on us. On every level.

We will weather it, I hope, but how beat up will we be coming out on the other side?
I'm not sure I want to know... 









Thank you to everyone who has commented/emailed/tweeted/texted/called us.
Thank you for your support, encouragement, prayers and hope for us.
Thank you for keeping your eyes peeled and ears open.
Thank you for listening.
We really appreciate it.
We need it.

Children Need to be Lined Up Two by Two, Apparently.

As soon as you get married, people immediately start asking you about babies.
Someone asked us AT our wedding.
It's a lot of pressure.

When you finally (if you are lucky enough) HAVE your first child, people immediately start asking about siblings.
Also--A LOT of pressure.

I was at book club the other night and the "when-are-you-guys-having another-baby" topic came up again....

I  hate having this conversation.

If you read my blog often, you'll know that I MOST DEFINITELY want another child.

I worry about it a lot actually:

Will we be able to?
What about our money issues?
WHEN will we be able to?
What about our living situation?
What if it takes years?
How far apart will the kids grow up?

I am definitely feeling the burn of baby fever, but I hate having that conversation because of the explaining that goes with it....
Yes, we want to have another baby but we have to wait until X-Y-Z....

Not so bad, except that people are starting to say things like:
Well, you don't want to wait TOO long, and/or it's not good for kids to be too far apart...

That's the LAST thing I need to hear.
  I ALREADY stay awake at night with those thoughts all by my damn neurotic self!

Reinforcement of those fears is unnecessary.

The sad thing is?

I know I've done it! 

Asked couples about babies....
Asked them about sibling-type babies....
Encouraged more babies....
YIKES.

I just LOVE children.
As do most of the women I know.

The creation of a new life, the building of a family?
EXCITING!

But it's never as simple as you wish it could be.

I am so incredibly lucky to have my son.
He is a gift of massive proportions.
 So I feel guilty sometimes when I find myself wishing so fervently for another child.

Especially when I know women desperately trying to conceive at ALL, let alone, AGAIN...

On the other hand though, I get angry when I'm made to feel guilty for wanting another child because I don't meet the "right" criteria that somehow would ALLOW me to have another child.


Sigh.

Bottom line?
I want to have another child.
I desperately want O to have a sibling, a playmate.
One that is his age.

I have no idea when/if that will happen, but in the meantime I will enjoy every minute with the one child I have and continue to wish....

For myself and all the other women out there wishing for a little baby dust to be sprinkled their way.

With extra handfuls for those who are still waiting for it to FINALLY be their turn.


Life is never as simple as we hope it would be.....






If you get a chance--
please visit my friend over at Hasta Claridad.
She's written a piece that so beautifully and painfully captures the feelings you struggle with when trying to have a child, and you wonder if you ever will.

I knew that feeling well, as I'm sure some of you do/have too.
Stop by and give her some love. Encourage her journey and applaud her honesty.

This is where I get all asky...

Friends? Readers? Lurkers?

I'm trying to make changes over here at JPJ.
It's a bit of a slow-going process because I'm not tech/blog savvy at all and therefore, I'm kinda wingin' it.

Here's what I've done so far:

Imported posts from an old blog. They're important to the journey I took during my pregnancy, which is the sole reason I originally started this adventure.

I created an "About Me"  page. Don't expect too much, it's a work-in-progress.

I created a contact page. You can email me, and follow me on Twitter! Yay!

I also put up a page leading you all to my poetry blog.  I you get a chance, go peruse it. I'm trying to get back into that style of catharsis again. Not everyone likes poetry and I get that, but who knows, you might find something that flips your skirt.

This blog started as a pregnancy/mommy diary. It was never really meant for eyes other than those in my inner-circle. Who would care anyway, right?

But it's definitely morphed into something more.

As such-
I'm trying to push myself to be a bit more honest and vulnerable in my writing, as I mentioned in this post.
and I want this blog to reach more people.

I've gotten several emails from  strangers about how certain posts of mine helped them, validated them, touched them. Blew me away.  Me?  My quirky blog helped you in some way?


If I can help someone? I want to. TRULY.


So do me a favor...it's a big one....


Read through my blog.  From the beginning.


Get to know me. And tell your friends/readers to do so as well.
If you come across a post that speaks to you or of someone in your life, pass it on!
Bring others on OVER.


Email me, comment, ask questions.

Let's connect.



I'm really trying to do something with this blog....

What EXACTLY that something is, I haven't got a clue yet.

BUT I do know-

I have things to say. Experiences to share. Even encouraging/helping one person is worth it.
It's kind of a corny thing to say, but it's true. Think about the written words that have helped you out. 
I definitely have mine! I just want to return the favor!


Soooooo:

Read my little blog.
Tell others.
Pass it on!
Comment.
Email.
Connect!!


DO IT.  Pretty Please? Ha!

Let's turn this up to 11 shall we?

It's New Years Eve, people.
Did that catch anyone else by surprise, or was it just me?

I swear I was just here:

NYE 2009-We fell asleep immediately after this was taken.

Owen was two months old. So tiny and perfect.
I was STILL healing from my section (infection/inverted staples) and exhausted.
We were both excited to see what 2010 would bring us and nervous about the challenges that were ahead....


This past year has been both really tough and really joyful on a multitude of levels.
It's been been a defeating year from a financial perspective, and super-stressful on the health front,

BUT

Watching O grow into the beautiful little person he's becoming has been magical.
(In the this-is-the-hardest-thing-I-have-ever-frikken-done-couldbethedeathofme- kind of magical way)

He's feisty, funny, and fiercely independent.

Gone is my sleepy cuddlebug who would nap on my chest for hours, and instead I see a zooming (almost)little boy who stomps around and babbles (in what sound vaguely like Klingon) at the top of his lungs.

He's my angel. My danger-seeking, Evel Knievel-esque angel.

Despite the different pit-falls we've weathered this year, I am beyond grateful for my family.
I have an amazing husband, a gorgeous son, and unbelievable friends.
I am a lucky lady.

I have no idea what 2011 will hold for my little family, and I won't even attempt to try and predict.

I just plan on heading into the new year frankly- my ears and eyes wide open, with a small bit of cautious hope in my heart.

Happy New Year, Friends! 

 I hope the year is kind and generous to you all.

Hurray! Let's make a baby!

My spouseface does NOT have cancer. He's not going to die, nor is fertility being snatched away from us...(see title)...

The lumps are not dangerous in the immediate future....BUT He is going to follow-up with a urologist yearly from here-on-out, just to monitor the situation.

That's the gist of things!
He's kinda uncomfortable with his "dudes" being discussed in my blog, so that is all I will say.

Thank you for all the love/prayers/good vibes etc. We really appreciate it.



All off this madness as of late has made me think about mortality and such--How short life is.

So much of my life has been set up on the "when this, THEN this" type of schedule.

I've found myself asking the question: Do we (the universal we) have the time to keep to that schedule?

I mean, obviously, sometimes we have to.
We have to pay our bills before we go shopping for shoes.

But are we always supposed to wait? Do things the "right" way?

Every fiber of my brain screams yes to that question. My heart, on the other hand, wants things a little out of order.

I totally want to have another child. (like NOW)

I'm afraid that if we wait 'til it's the "right" time (we've moved out, become debt-free, we're making more money, etc.) it will be the wrong time for my body.

I'm  turning 30 in a few months. That's not old, but it's pushing it for someone with CP and CFS in terms of healthy pregnancies.
[And my pregnancy with O kicked my ASS.]

Plus, as you may have noticed, I'm often plagued with health issues. This makes me nervous about taking a leisurely stroll toward a second child.

Maybe we won't be able to have a second child, but I'd like to give us the best chances to try. I want to be as young/healthy-ISH as I can be.

Also? I would like for O and his potential sibling to be close in age.

Maybe it's greedy to want another baby, but I do! Is it?!

(It's funny, I had always thought I'd have 4 children. But life had a different plan. Sigh.)

If we can't have another baby, I will ALWAYS be beyond grateful that we were able to have Owen, but it will break my heart if we miss out on the gift a second child because we were waiting for the "right time" to start to try.


After almost three years of the wrong things happening to us/in our lives, it feels like the "Right Way" is a myth.

With the news of our "freedom" as it were, it feels like we need to carpe diem this mess!

But as my ILs heads would explode if we had another baby under their roof, I doubt we'll be carpe-ing OR diem-ing any time soon.

Which makes me a little sad. Okay, a lot sad, if I'm honest.


But my Hubs is of the non-cancerous variety, so Yippeeeeeee!

Well, we're back and stuff.

We're back! Thank GAWWWD.

The trip was a stressOrama moneypit. It was also soul-crushingly depressing for the Hubs and I, BUUUUT WAIT!

It did have its high points FO SHO:

1. O did AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC on both the trip there, and the trip home. He had a couple cranky moments, but nothing major, and Delta airlines just thinks he's a peach. I am one proud Mama. Seriously, I think Hubben and I were crankier than he was.

2. Seeing my Hub's family (we hadn't seen most of them in 3 years, and who knows when we will again?, and we always enjoy our time with them.

3. O meeting those family members.

4. Hub's grandfather's 80th surprise party (after months of planning and stress for my MIL, it went swimmingly).

5. O's christening (he was HANDS DOWN the best-behaved child I've ever seen in a church-I'm not saying that b/c he's mine, either.) was beautiful.

All of that was swell. Warm and Fuzzies all around!

Being stuck without a rental car, Hubs not really having time to look for work/interview (which was why he took an unpaid week off of work) and the amount of money that flew out of of savings account [read: almost ALL] was not. Neither was my body's decision to revolt-making me feel like crap the whole time...My period coming a week early was an especially nice touch.

That could all be overlooked as the perils of traveling, I know.

The knife in our backs was really staying at my Hubby's grandmother's house.

(The house has sat empty for almost 2 years-his Grams now lives in a nursing home)

Why?

Because it was the house we would have moved into if Husbandface had gotten the job.

The house that we spent hours decorating in our minds and making plans for the future. We even talked about having another baby if it happened.

(In hindsight, not the best idea, but we were attempting to be hopeful.)

I think we were both taken aback at how hard it all sort of kicked us in the teeth as we arrived, and kinda hung over us like a shadow the whole week we were there.

We just felt even more stuck. Even farther from where we want so badly to be, if that makes sense...

And I realize that I should have just let.it.GO. but I couldn't stop worrying about money. We absolutely had no business taking a trip (albeit a mandatory one) for a DAY let alone, a WEEK, so I was wracked with panic over it the majority of the trip. I don't think it helped that my darling Hubben was also freaking out over the fact that our plan of him hitting the pavement with a vengeance every day that week to look for jobs/interview pretty much fell flat on its proverbial ass, and there wasn't jack we could do about it.

Did I mention that the Man and I spent that week sleeping on a full-sized bed when we're used to our king? Yeah....

But, we got thru it, and managed to fly home safely with our son (and our marriage) intact.

However, coming back home was rough.

It was like leaving the field utterly defeated.

We walked back through the doors of my IL's house totally broke, having made NO progress while in WV.

Yes, we knew as we left that THAT may be the outcome, but we were trying once again, to be positive.

As for our plan forward, we don't really know. We need a miracle. I've been campaigning for one since I got pregnant with O, so maybe we'll get it eventually.

And before anyone pipes up to tell me how fortunate I already AM, I know.

We are extremely grateful that my husband's parent's have opened their home to us, and even more grateful that through the last few years at least one of us was able to keep his job. We are so thankful for what we have because we know that it could be worse.

That being said, we need to get out on our own. The living with his parents situation is NOT a forever deal. We knew that coming into it, and we've already been here far longer than either party expected or wanted.

Even more pressing, we have a child that we want to give a home to. One that is our own.

Sigh.

On a lighter note,

For the sake of our sanity (and sex life), Hubs and I decided to turn our little "apt." into 2 distinct bedrooms.

You know what that means!


Baby has his OWN room!

It's so cute!

We seriously spent from 9am-12am putting it all together. We totally lucked out b/c friends of ours gave us a crib, and we already had a dresser for him (that we also use as a changing table). So all we needed to buy was a shelving unit for his toys, a crib mattress, some bedding, and some adorable wall decals for art.


Did I mention it looks really cute?!
'Cos it is.
I will add a picture next post.

It's definitely lifted our spirits to give O a nursery. we've been waiting to do that since we got pregnant.

Tonight will be the first night he sleeps in there!

Wish me luck...I'll probably cry more than he does.

For my Hubbadens. (He never checks his email, but checks my blog)

Dear Husband,

I know today was a really hard day.
I know your job is sucking out your soul.
I know that living with your parents has been a major blow to well, everything.
I know that you can't sleep at night because you worry about how we're ever going to make it.
I know you feel like we're stuck in a hole, always a dollar short.
I know that you dream of a house (hell, an apartment), a new car, a dog, another baby.
I know that you desperately need things to change.
I know you just want to provide.

I hope that you also know how grateful I am to have you as a husband. You take amazing care of me and of your son.

Even though it feels like all of your effort is for naught, remember, it's that effort that keeps our little family afloat. Every day that you get-up-and-do-it-all over-again is one more step closer to where we want to be. Yes, it's going much slower than we anticipated, but we are getting there, I promise!

I realize that can be hard to see as we agonize over every dime, sigh in defeat as we run the numbers AGAIN, only to see that it STILL isn't feasible to move out, and wrack ourselves with guilt any time we spend money on something that isn't "necessary".

Even with that being said, we have made progress, and by trudging through shit everyday, you were at the forefront of that happening.

The past few years have thoroughly kicked our asses, and that blows, but like I said in your b-day card yesterday: Your pre-thirties are going to be BAD ASS. :)


I'm so proud of you. I love you very, very much.

Always,

Wife

He's going to be shaving tomorrow morning, I'm convinced.

O is soooooo big already. He sat up on his own last night, and I burst into tears!

I can't handle this growing up business. OBVIOUSLY, I want him to have a long and healthy life, but can't he just be my baby forever?

No....? Crap.

It's outta control.

I can't believe that he's going to be 6 months next week....

In related news, I turned 29 recently. I was not a fan of turning 29.

Wasn't I supposed to accomplish a lot more? Aren't I supposed to be thinner and more successful?

30 is looming, and things are not the way I'd hoped for them to be.

Last year, we were here and oh yeah, here.

And while some things have changed, it's still a very familiar story except now we're throwing in a baby for extra character development.

It's scary and it's frustrating b/c I want my son to have a good life. I want my husband and I to have a good marriage. Which we do, but the last 2 years has been very hard for us. I don't think we've really had a moment yet to breathe-- to really relax and enjoy being a couple, and now, a family.

We're always trying to figure out how to get to the next step-holding our breath, b/c it feels like at any moment, the other shoe could drop.

I know that's a horrible way to live. I know we need to be grateful (we are) for what we do have.

There's just so much pressure to be "successful." To want more.

This got me thinking: What IS that, exactly?

According to the ever-pervasive "they," success is:
a well-paying salaried job, a nice home, a nice car, a Roth IRA and a 401K.

My husband works hard, gets paid by the hour.
We live in his parent's nice home.
He drives a Jetta that has over a 102 thousand miles on it and a constant check engine light blinking.
I think I may have a great-great grandfather named Ira.
I have friends who've run 5-10ks.

You can see why we feel a little second-class these days....

Butt on the flip side, I constantly try to remind myself of the progress we've made since moving in with the ILs, that perhaps won't recieve any kudos from "the them," but has been huge for us.

After both losing our jobs, my hubs has been at his for 3 years.
We were able to climb out of the red and move into black.
We're able to pay our bills in full every month.
We've drastically improved our credit that took a hit after being unemployed.
We're finally paying down our debt (slowly, but) successfully.
We actually have some money in savings. (!!!)
Most importantly, we've continued to grow in our marriage and we've welcomed a healthy, gorgeous son who we keep fed and cared for.

Why isn't that successful? Where's the respect for those triumphs?



We would LOVE to move out on our own. We dream of owning a home, of being debt-free of having a 401K, but for now, but we can only do so much.

I know that my 29th year is probably not going to be what I had envisioned, and the same will probably be said for my 30th year, but every day I will try to keep moving forward and be successful in my perseverance.

Even so, I know there will be days where I curse everything, cry, and rage against the wreckage that I feel my life has become, but who doesn't have those days?

Things WILL turn around.
(RIGHT?)

We will finally make enough money to get our own place.
We will be able to buy a new car.
We will be debt free.
We will get to the next step.

It might just not be as soon as we hoped. And that has to be okay.

Because:

We are better off than we were.
We are moving forward.
We are in this together.
We are good parents.
We are a FAMILY.


Being an adult is hard. Being okay with not being a "perfect adult" is even harder.

I'm thankful for all that I have. I think it's okay to want to achieve more.

BUT

I have a tendency to criticize my accomplishments that aren't all-encompassing, that don't fit squarely in to society's check list for a happy life.

I have to stop that, for the sake of myself and my family.


It's the little victories that usually add up to mean the most. I need to stop and celebrate them.

I hope your celebrate your own.