The one where Jayne is SPOILED ROTTEN...

My 30th Birthday was last Tuesday.
I was kinda dreading it, not because I think 30 is old, but because I think 30 is ADULT.

I did not expect to reach adulthood totally broke and in debt, living with my in-laws....

Yet, here I am.

All broke, adulty and 30.

My sweet spouse was determined that my birthday would be EPIC.
This made me nervous.
Massive attention directed my way STRESSES me OUT.
Also?
I may have mentioned that we are broke....

OH MY VERUCA SALT, people.

My birthday was ridiculous. AMAZINGLY so.

Started on the Monday before my birthday....

A little surprise shindig at the local sports bar--
Friends
Good Food
Balloons
Gifties
A Tiara 
Cake

What else does a birthday girl need?

A LOT, apparently.....

Because then?

The gifts kept on ROLLING IN.  
Remember my B-day list?
Go look at it.
TOTAL gift carnage!
Way too much!

AND THEN?

Club 33. 
As in the exclusive, Members ONLY, 5-star restaurant-hidden-in-Disneyland, Club 33.

FANFREAKINGTASTIC. 
My family totally punked me too.
I thought we we going to some other restaurant for a little birthday dinner....


Ummmmm, no.
I sipped champagne while wearing Mickey Ears.
EPIC INDEED.

Bestest part? They surprised me with 2 of our closest friends, who are also huuuge Disneyphiles like us...
I LOVED that they were there to share the experience with us.

This place was MAJOR. 
The food, the ambiance, the disney-done-supah-faaaaaancy, it fabulously unreal.

Okay, so enough is ENOUGH, right?

NOPE.

There were more presents...
Yep, more.
I won't list them all--seems tacky...ahem..

But

Remember the bag that I was obsessed with?

O got it for his Mommy.
Apparently, my toddler has quite the bankroll....

It's as gorgeous as I thought it would be.
And cavernous.

I adddddddooooooooorrrrrre it.



BEST.BIRTHDAY.EVER.

And not because of the gifts.
Honestly.

It was the time put in.
The thought.
All the work and planning solely to make me happy and feel special.

My husband, My ILs and my friends are RAD.

I love you all so much, and thank you for loving me!


I am one lucky Adult.

Surprise Party Cake! So Cute!

We were REALLY there.

Special Birthday Menu!

The Picture DOES NOT do it justice!

I'm Awesome at being FANCY.

Cheeky Waiter!

We had fun with this phone Booth!

Disney Gothic

If this picture doesn't sum us up, I don't know what would.

Deepest Thanks and Clarifications

I cannot even begin to express my love and gratitude to all of you who left comments on my post from yesterday.

Each of you wrapped yourselves around me and loved me compassionately, no judgment--without even knowing me.

What a beautiful thing that was to experience.
Tears were flooding my face as I read your words, and peace was filling my heart.
ThankyouThankyouThankyou.

This blogging community that I have found myself in?

Overflowing with gorgeously kind and supportive people.

I give my love to you all.

But I also need to apologize.
 Some of my post was not clear.


My shame does not come from being raped...
Sadly, that time was not the first, just the most heinous.
The one I could not deny as rape.
The first one I spoke aloud.

I am not ashamed of what was done to me. 
No victim should be, but so often we are.

I almost let it kill me, but I made it out.
I am a survivor. 
I am proud of that.

I would be lying though if I tried to say that I got to that place WITHOUT some intensive therapy, and I would also be remiss if I did not admit that sometimes--

There are still trickles of shame.

Even though I KNOW:
It was not my fault.
I could not fight back-drugging takes away choice, funny that...
And 3 grown men against one 5'3 woman with Cerebral Palsy?
Not so much a fair fight.
Or very human, for that matter.

I know that NOW, and I am not ashamed of being a survivor. 

But despite what I "know" there are still moments....
Even while writing this post, I found myself shocked at the familiar wash of shame that came over me.

Our intellectual minds and emotional minds do not always meet where they should.
Sigh.

But those past tinges of shame were not what I was referring to in that last post.

I am ashamed of myself for not reporting the rape.
For not seeking justice.
For sticking my head in the sand.
For letting three grown men violate me and walk away without any consequences.

Worse still?

Knowing that I never will.

I know that there are survivors who fought within an inch of their lives to seek justice.
Exposed themselves.
Faced judgment and further violation, for the sake of taking a stand.

I took no such stand.
I don't think I could have survived it.
I am in awe of you who did, who are.

I am sorry I could not. 
It truly does shame me, but I hope those reading can understand.

You all have my apologies, my love and my gratitude.
With your words have been salve on a very deep and slow-healing wound.

Thank you. So very much.
You've given me such a beautiful gift on my birthday...
Acceptance.

TOP Week 3: MIL

This post will not be what I originally envisioned because a sick toddler=off day.


My Mother-in-Law is rad.

She's beautiful and elegant. Always. It's inhuman.

She's an awesome shopping buddy.

She didn't care when I vomited/peed (at the same TIME) in her Mercedes while pregnant.

She's taught me the value of high-thread count sheets. IMPORTANT.

But mostly, I'm thankful for her because she's such an awesome grandmother to O.

These past few weeks that I've been out of commission have been hard for me. I hate not being the one to takes care of my son during the day, but I knew he was in loving hands, and that was crucial to my being able to rest and heal.


Thanks, Ma!

Hurray! Let's make a baby!

My spouseface does NOT have cancer. He's not going to die, nor is fertility being snatched away from us...(see title)...

The lumps are not dangerous in the immediate future....BUT He is going to follow-up with a urologist yearly from here-on-out, just to monitor the situation.

That's the gist of things!
He's kinda uncomfortable with his "dudes" being discussed in my blog, so that is all I will say.

Thank you for all the love/prayers/good vibes etc. We really appreciate it.



All off this madness as of late has made me think about mortality and such--How short life is.

So much of my life has been set up on the "when this, THEN this" type of schedule.

I've found myself asking the question: Do we (the universal we) have the time to keep to that schedule?

I mean, obviously, sometimes we have to.
We have to pay our bills before we go shopping for shoes.

But are we always supposed to wait? Do things the "right" way?

Every fiber of my brain screams yes to that question. My heart, on the other hand, wants things a little out of order.

I totally want to have another child. (like NOW)

I'm afraid that if we wait 'til it's the "right" time (we've moved out, become debt-free, we're making more money, etc.) it will be the wrong time for my body.

I'm  turning 30 in a few months. That's not old, but it's pushing it for someone with CP and CFS in terms of healthy pregnancies.
[And my pregnancy with O kicked my ASS.]

Plus, as you may have noticed, I'm often plagued with health issues. This makes me nervous about taking a leisurely stroll toward a second child.

Maybe we won't be able to have a second child, but I'd like to give us the best chances to try. I want to be as young/healthy-ISH as I can be.

Also? I would like for O and his potential sibling to be close in age.

Maybe it's greedy to want another baby, but I do! Is it?!

(It's funny, I had always thought I'd have 4 children. But life had a different plan. Sigh.)

If we can't have another baby, I will ALWAYS be beyond grateful that we were able to have Owen, but it will break my heart if we miss out on the gift a second child because we were waiting for the "right time" to start to try.


After almost three years of the wrong things happening to us/in our lives, it feels like the "Right Way" is a myth.

With the news of our "freedom" as it were, it feels like we need to carpe diem this mess!

But as my ILs heads would explode if we had another baby under their roof, I doubt we'll be carpe-ing OR diem-ing any time soon.

Which makes me a little sad. Okay, a lot sad, if I'm honest.


But my Hubs is of the non-cancerous variety, so Yippeeeeeee!

T.O.P Week 2: VU Sistas

 

My second note for Thankful on Paper is actually a group of notes (emails) to my:

 

VU Sistas.

Things have been a *smidge* stressful around here as of late, and shockingly, I haven't been all that cheerful. [See: "Ashes" and "The Tearing of Robes"]

But I do feel loved. I have gotten so many emails, FB posts/messages, texts/calls, blog comments, etc. wishing us well and sending us their prayers/love...

The hub of these messages come from a group of women I met in college.

I went to a small, conservative,  Christian University. For those of you who know me well, you might be asking yourself, what the HELL was she doing there?!

(It's a long story, for another time...)

Needless to say, I felt very uncomfortable and out of my element. I didn't belong to a church, hadn't grown up in one, came from basically a "Cops" episode in terms of my childhood, and had a sailor mouth. (still kinda do.) I had the audacity to show...CLEAVAGE. (Get behind thee behind me, Satan!) I was judged and judged HARSHLY.

I kinda hated life. Until I started to meet women who accepted me as I was, and loved me not just in spite of it, but because of it.

I have unique relationships with each one, and while some of the friendships may have been superficial or sporadic to start, over the years, every relationship has deepened and become special to me, and even as life takes us in different directions, I know that they will be there for me, as I will for them.

Every one of these women have entered a place in my heart not as my friends, but as my sisters.

[They know who they are :)]

At different points in the last 9 (almost 10, now, WOAH.) years (It's been a rough decade, to say the least), each woman has touched a part of my life, and has been there to lift me up when I couldn't lift myself.

Now as I've moved into wife and motherhood, they have celebrated and shared with me. Cheered me on and still, step in to not just lift me up in times of turmoil, but also my family.

Whether we talk mostly via FB or email, phone chats, or we see one another regularly, whether we remain friends till we're old and gray or get swept away from each other in the changes of time: 

I am so Thankful for these smart, gorgeous, funny, compassionate, kind, creative, loving, crazy women. I always will be. I love you all, and I hope I have been (and will be) the type of "sister" each of you have been to me.


We don't have Traveling Pants, or anything, but you all are magic in my life.






I may not have Luck, but I have amazing friends....which is kinda lucky.

Because I said I would!

While I sit on pins and needles waiting for Will to call me, who is waiting for the Doc to call HIM, let's turn our attention to something happier:

O's Halloweeny First Birthday Extravaganza!!!

I was panicked and stressed up until everyone arrived: The weather was awful, nixing our outside plans, Owen fell asleep right as people were supposed to arrive and tons of people canceled last minute-I thought we were DOOMED...

But you know what?

It turned out to be just what it should have been:

Small

Warm

Comfortable

Sincere

Lovely

Here's a Looky:

 

Big hugs to everyone who helped make his day (and Daddy and Mommy's too) SPECIAL.

We love you all! Thanks for giving us yours!