Monday, March 28, 2011

What I Don't Want to Admit.

 This post is in response to a question I asked my friend over at Hasta Claridad.

She asked me to answer in kind.

Here is that answer.
It is not a pretty one--


I was so happy that he was home.
That he was safe and alive.

We had never been “official”
Instead, off and on, almost but not *quite* since we were kids…
We hadn’t seen each other in 3 years, but my heart was still in my stomach.
I was afraid he wouldn’t feel like I did and I would look like an idiot.
                           
I walked through the door and we locked eyes.
That feeling was still there.
Thrilling, but terrifying all the same.
He was only home for a little over a week.
Then he would be stationed somewhere else and out of my life again.

I was determined to keep the week simple.
Why make things messy and break my own heart?
Sigh.

We pretty much stayed glued to one another.
There was closeness and kissing, but no more.
There never had been.
We always stopped short of crossing that line.
Such a messy line it could be…

We made plans to go out with his friends.
Some drinking, some pool, some fun.
I just wanted to have some more time.

We ended up getting into an argument.
I thought he was drinking too much.
He could do that.
Not my fucking wife, he said…
Those words stung. 
So much left undone/unsaid between us.

I went and sat outside smoking, and cursing myself for getting attached.
His friend came out to talk to me…
It’s not that he doesn’t want you, you know.  He loves you, but it’s complicated.

Isn’t it always?

He comes out to apologize.
You’re my family, he says.
I love you, he says.
It’s MY job to protect YOU, he says…
I will fix this, and give you what you deserve, someday,
But I can’t now.

I know it’s true.
I get the feeling it always will be.

I want to go home, but he convinces me to stay.
To go with him and his friends to a house party.
I don’t want to go, but he looks at me with those eyes of his, and I relent.

I remember being bored and angry.
I remember just wanting to go home, but knowing it was not safe to walk alone.
Ironic.
I remember someone offering me a beer.
Then things start to go fuzzy and black out from there.

They said they were going to drop us off.
He was too drunk to drive.
Obviously.
Strangely fuzzy and disconnected as I was feeling, even I knew that.

I remember climbing into the back of the van.
I did not feel right.
It was me and him and two of his buddies.
It did not feel right.
I just wanted to go home.

I remember blackness
I remember mocking laughter
And flashes of pain.

I know that he was there.
And so were his friends.
That is all.

Bits and pieces of out-of-focus horror swallowed by black.

The rest of the story was pieced together via bruises and blood as I screamed in the shower the next morning.

And by blood streaming and a baby leaving several months after.

I should have stood up for myself. 
I should have fought for myself.
I should have sought justice.

But I didn’t.
I retreated instead.
I just didn’t have the strength then. 
Honestly, I don’t now.

So many lines blurred.
So many times abused 
So many pleas disbelieved.
So many words.
So many lies.

So many questions I could not answer.
So many things I don’t remember.
So much I want to still forget.

And for that, I am ashamed.

To all of you who have fought, I apologize for my cowardice.
I wish I could promise you bravery...
But I cannot.
I am more ashamed of myself then anyone could ever be.
That, I can promise.

I hope someday, I can be forgiven.
I can't ever forget.

31 comments:

Jenna said...

if I could wrap my arms around you right now I would.

if I could take my hands and put them on this hole in your heart, in this place where your self worth is just in this black icky pit of ugly and just clean it out and bind it up, I would.

Jayne. Honey.

You are loved.

You were attracted to him, you had deep feelings for him, and its hard to think straight and make good decisions when your heart and hormones get all mixed up.

But YOU were not a coward.

You were raped. You were used. You were disrespected.

You are a victim.

You did not fail. DO you hear me? You did not fail to make a stand.. you BLACKED OUT. Your unconsciousness may have saved your sanity. You cannot make decisions when you are unaware of your surroundings.

You probably had PTSD after the trauma of this, and who can make accusations then, on top of the confusion about your feelings for him!

And bravery?

Jayne... you hit publish.

This is the bravest thing I've ever seen. I am in awe of you right now.

So much love and respect for you. Please please consider my words. they are the truth about who you are and what happened to you.

If my voice matters... listen.

I forgive you. I forgive you for all the wrong you think you did that night.

Please please forgive yourself now.

You are loved. And accepted. And so so brave.

thepsychobabble said...

This is and was not your fault. It's not you who should be ashamed. You have done nothing wrong, and there is nothing to forgive you for. You were(and are) the innocent one.
Many hugs, prayers and healing thoughts sent your way.

Hasta Claridad said...

Mi amor... mi preciosa amiga...
I wish so badly that I could have been sitting next to you right now to hug you. Dios... if I was shaking to just to write mine... I can't... I can't imagine...

Querida, you know, you MUST know that those who told you that you were to blame were dead wrong. You know that, right? Please.. tell me you know that...

This was not your fault. This was not your doing. You couldn't have known.

I wish I could erase your pain. I wish I could rid you of your shame. I wish I could comfort you right now. I wish I could make you realize how brave you are. You are braver and stronger than you realize. This is proof. You standing here, is proof. Geez, the size of your heart, compassion, and LOVE is proof!!

I've read in previous posts... I saw you elude to this evening. I never could have imagined the betrayal of trust, of friendship that was tied to this. And that you conceived... Jayne... I wish I could seek revenge for you. I hope to God that justice is done, one way or another. What a monster...

Can I come over and just hug you? And thank you? And reassure you? I wish we lived closer!!! GRR!!!

In complete awe of your strength mi linda. You are so precious. I love you so much. Thank you for sharing this. I know you feel naked right now... thank you for letting us hold you up. We're here... tu sabes eso, no? Right here sending you all of the love and goodness in the world.

Te amo, amiga.

From Tracie said...

I hope with all of my heart that you will know....

You did nothing wrong.

It was not your fault.

You survived! (so many women do not)

After you survived, you kept living (so many women can not)

It was not your fault.

You were not in a situation where fighting would have helped...one you, more than one of them.

It was not your fault.

This, what you have written here? This is brave. This is huge. This is strength. You have it in you, even when you don't feel it, it is there.

Daydreaming Fool said...

So...I feel a little weird writing this comment..as it's my first on your blog. I've seen your comments on a few blogs I creep..and made my way over here and found that you too had written a response (to your own question..)...and just wanted to let you know..that even though you don't know me..I'm here.

I'm here, wishing I could wrap you in my arms and take away all of the pain and bullshit that the world has put on your soul.

I'm here wishing that I could turn back time and make the bad go away.

I'm here listening, and holding your hand.

Please know, that above all - this is NOT your fault and you did NOT deserve this. You have no reason to try and forgive yourself - because YOU are the victim. They took something from you - and now, by writing this - you're taking it back. You're showing them that you ARE brave, just how strong you are and just how amazing of a person you can be - despite all of the bullshit obstacles.

To write this, shows courage beyond measures. To share this - I can't even articulate.

I cannot think of one rational, logical person in the entire world that would blame you for what happened to you, so on behalf of humanity - I'm forgiving you for all of the pain in your heart and soul...and I sincerely hope that you're able to do that too..because I know that that's what you deserve.

I don't know you well, or really know you at all - but I already know how amazing, wonderful, talented and honest you are...and I'm so happy that you've reached out to the people here - because these people are good people who've got your back.

These people will hold you up when you're feeling down, and send you giant squishy hugs to make it better. Please know, that I'll be standing with them. And if there is anything I can do..whether it be an ear to listen, a virtual coffee date (skype?), someone to laugh with, someone to leave long rambling comments on your blog or ANYTHING else you may need...please know that I'll be here. Holding your hand, stroking your hair and reassuring you that it'll all be okay someday. Maybe not the SAME, but okay. You'll make it through this - and come out the other side stronger, wiser and even more kickass then you already are.

...But damn..I really wish I had a big ass jet so that I could fly around the globe doling out giant hugs to you and everyone else who answered this question...because if I could..I would in a heartbeat.

xoxoxoox

la.girl said...

You were brave - brave in writing this. It isn't forgiveness that you need - but you are forgiven. You didn't do anything wrong. There is no shame in being raped - it is only the horrible irony of rape that makes one feel ashamed of something that was NOT one's fault.

It isn't you, honey. You aren't a coward, and you are so, so brave, and so, so loved.

Danna said...

This is my first time commenting on your blog. I wish I knew the words to say that could ease some/any/all of this. I wish I knew how to ease the burden of feeling like any of this is your fault. It isn't.

What I can say is that putting this out there took courage, courage that I am amazed at. This took strenght that I am in awe of.

You did nothing wrong. They were the ones that made heinous choices, they were the ones that should be ashamed, they are the ones that should be apologizing.

Not you. You are none of these things. You have done nothing wrong, I mean in. Nothing wrong.
They drugged you and made it so that you couldn't have fought back, please please please don't blame yourself or be upset with yourself for ANYTHING.

I am so very sorry that you went through this, I am just so sorry. I wish that I could be there with you to give you a great big hug and be there to support you.

My words are failing to express the comfort I wish to share with you. Please know that I am here for you and will be praying for you.

Kristina said...

This is my first time to your blog and was directed here by a friend.

YOU ARE NOT A COWARD. You did not do anything wrong. You cannot judge your actions in the wake of the trauma that you experienced.

You are putting it here, for all the world to see, right now. That is BRAVE. You are going to give someone else the strength to speak up.

I'm glad I found you...not only are you an incredibly talented writer, but you are an amazing woman.

Cave Momma said...

Everything I would say is exactly as everyone else has already said. But better.

There is nothing to be forgiven, my dear.

It was not your fault.

You just wrote this out for the world to see. THAT is brave.

Nothing I say can take it away but I wish it could. I am so very sorry you have had to endure this. I am so giving you a great big hug when I see you next time.

CathiC said...

Also a first time reader and commenter who was directed here by a friend. You are NOT a coward. It is NOT your fault. It was him and his friends. You are incredibly brave for writing this and I hope by getting the story out there, you're able to continue healing. You've shown incredible strength by moving on and creating the life you now lead. Don't forget that. Sending you prayers, love, and hope. You are amazing.

tripleZmom said...

I was also sent here by a friend. You are so brave for writing this, I too hope it helps the healing process. You were betrayed by people you trusted and they are the ones who are cowards and who should feel ashamed. This was not your fault in any way. How were you supposed to fight back after being drugged? When there were several of them and one of you? You survived and you moved on, which is the best kind of fighting back there is.

Amy said...

In no way, in no uncertain terms was what happened your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does. His friends do. But mostly he does have so very much to be ashamed of. You trusted him. You trusted that he would never put you in harm's way. He KNEW you trusted him and he violated that in the worst most foul way possible. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.

I do think you should talk to someone... a professional... about this to help you get through this and get past the feelings of guilt. You did nothing wrong.

I was directed here by a friend, too, and I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers.

Sgirlfab said...

WOW. I think we all have one like "him". One we would trust with our hearts and our lives. And regardless of the drinking, regardless of the fuzziness or the confusion or the unreality of it, to know that he did not protect you (and allowed or even perhaps himself did that to you) is beyond dispicable.

The human brain is a fucking bizarre thing to allow us to feel "shame" for the unspeakable actions of another against us. I hope that putting this out there helps you to see that it truly is a trick of the mind that you would regret anything that you did or did not do that night.

I really hope there is a special place in hell for those guys. Especially your "friend".

Sara @ Life With the Two said...

I want to have the right words for you. I echo what everyone above me has said. Times a million.

By hitting the publish button, you have shown there is nothing cowardice about you.

The Empress said...

I am angry right now.

So angry.

That man, and his friends from hell, drugged your beer.

You could not have fought.

Please get that option out of your head, and do not blame yourself for that anymore.

He drugged your beer so you couldn't fight.

Believe me, he did.

And you were powerless.

And I am angry, that people do this ugliness to others.

UGLINESS.

I am so sorry for you, and I wish I could make you forgive yourself, for blaming yourself thinking you could have fought them off.

You couldn't.

They are not human.

And , believe me, in the end, all we're left with is ourselves.

Pitiful him, that he is left with himself.
I am so sorry for you.

I hope and pray that life surrounds you with friends, and that you lift your head high, because life is hard enough as it is: and you somehow have continued to go on, with this additional burden.

Think of the strength that takes.

Shell said...

Oh, honey.

You didn't do anything wrong. And maybe you blanked out some of your fighting back.

You did NOT deserve such an awful thing.

There is nothing that you need to be forgiven for.

singedwingangel said...

I came on a tweet from Tracie. I am glad I did. You are not alone, maybe one day it will be non existent but for now it is rape. Period. No excuses, no way to pretty up and make it sound better. It is ugly and raw and based upon power not love.
I want to whoop their asses for you, even now give me a name and I would do it.
Never your fault. Your feelings for him in no way made this even close to okay or excusable.
You were drugged. You had no choice.
But here on this side of it, feel the rawness, cry the unshed tears, release the anger at a love and trust lost and see who you are in the now.
You are a mother, who like all of us who have been abused and raped will be the most vicious mother you could ever cross. You will defend your child, the way you should have been defended by someone who claimed to love you.
Love my darling never hurts like this.
Look in the mirror and see the you that you have become. How you made a life not to spite it but in spite of it and that is the best form of revenge.
Forgive them, not for them but for yourself. But first forgive yourself for the imaginary what if's and I hadn't that you have heard played in your head for years. Turn it off, take out the tape and put this one in...
You are strong because you told it, you took it's power by telling us. You are beautiful and wonderfully made. You are loved and blessed and held up by the women who have gone before you and you will be and are stepping into the pedestal of support for ones who will come after you. Because you did not just survive, you thrived. That says more then any rape by a bunch of weak angry boys could.

Polish Mama on the Prairie said...

Ihave no words for you that others did not already say to show empathy, support, respect, that my heart is bleeding for you right now, and anger unbelievable repulsive anger at those "boys". All I can say is that I'm crying for you right now. And I hope some of these tears take away some of yours. You are not a coward. You were brave. God bless you.

he calls me wifey said...

Dear friend,

I am so sorry, horrified, sad, enraged and confused by this.

You are not to be blamed for a thing. You shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for anything. You were the victim in this situation, you are the one who should be apologized TO.

I know that what I say logically makes sense, but I'm sure it doesn't change how you feel. I wish I could do something, say something that would make it better. Because I have never experienced horror such as this, I cannot understand, but I am so so sorry.

I love you dear. So much. That's something you can count on.

Chibi said...

Oh, dear heart. This is SO not your fault. I know it's easier said than done, but PLEASE try not to blame yourself. And please don't apologize: you were NOT a coward. You did what was best for YOU. That's all that matters.

Sending much love.
xoxo

MamaRobinJ said...

Blame? Blame?! There is no blame here. None at all FOR YOU. An unfortunate situation. A horrible person who took advantage of someone in the most awful way, both emotionally and physically.

It was NOT your fault.

And you are so strong to write this.

livingsj77 said...

Goodness...this is not at all what I expected from this story. What a horrible person. I'm so sorry that you've been through this, and no doubt still deal with it today. I have so many friends with similar stories.

This is so brave. I'm so very impressed and humbled by you.

Big hugs for you today...even though, looks like I'm reading this a day late. So just big hugs for you anytime you need it.

xoxoxo

Haven said...

You have inspired me to write something today.

Also. This part? This tag?

"I Was Told It Was My Fault By A Lot of People"

I have tears in my eyes that makes me so angry.

There is never any excuse. NEVER. As you said.

Much love to you.

Kris said...

That you doubt your bravery just kills me. That you wrote this post and then hit "publish" demonstrates your courage. Sigh.

So many people have spoken the words I would like to say.

Not your fault.

You are strong.

Yours is not my situation, not my past. But I have a past of my own, and I know how difficult it is to accept the positive loving words of others. To accept the version others see of you . . . to move beyond the small frightened broken you that lives within.

I am strong. But I know I am weak.

I am whole. But I know I am broken.

I am special. But I know I am nothing.

Awww, babe.

I see you.

Sigh.

So much love to you.

Kris

Britt said...

All the words I want to say bypassed my mouth and turned into water on their way back into my brain.

*HUGS* x 1,000,000

You're one of the strongest people I've ever known.





And if you and I are ever in the same place, and you see one of those fuckbags, you point em' out to me PRONTO, m'kay? ;)

Jayne said...

Jenna-Thank you. I KNOW that it’s not my fault, but I still struggle with “knowing it” sometimes…I did indeed have PTSD. Thankfully the panic attacks have gone and I can now go out at night, or to the movies with out losing my mind, but I have a gnarly fear of the dark, and the nightmares still come every 3 months or so…I appreciate your kindness

Psychobabble-I appreciate your love and prayers, very much.

HC-You have helped ease my pain just by your support! I wished we lived closer too!

Tracie-I have a hard time with feeling brave or strong because there is so much about this incident that I wish I handled better….I think that comes mostly from the desire to feel like I had a modicum of control over the situation, and I did not. Being forced into a position of helplessness is hard for me. Thank you, thank for seeing what is hard for me to.

DaydreamingFool-Thank you for your offer of friendship! It means so much! Thank you for accepting me and my story without judgment.

Lagirl-Thank you. It has always saddened me that rape is something that should immediately inspire outrage and justice for the victim is instead something where the victim internalizes all the blame/horror.

Danna-Thank you for your encouragement, for your compassion. Your words did not fail you at all.

Kristina-Thank you for stopping by, and giving me some love. It means a lot.

Jeneva-Thank you, friend! I look forward to the hug!

CathiC-Thank you. Bravery is a difficult thing to see in oneself, sometimes! Thank you for seeing it.

TripleZMom-“You survived and you moved on, which is the best kind of fighting back there is.” Thank you so much for that. I needed it.

Jayne said...

Amy-Thank you. I appreciate your concern. I did see someone for a couple of years, and it was enormously helpful.

Sgirlfab-It saddens me that most women have someone in their lives like “him,” but it is so true. I think there is definitely a special place in Hell for them. Thank you for supporting me.

Sara- Thank you, Sara. Pushing the “Publish” button was one of the hardest things I’ve done in this blogging world!

Empress-“And , believe me, in the end, all we're left with is ourselves. Pitiful him, that he is left with himself.” I think of that often, and it helps. Thank you for telling me what I cannot always hear. Thank you for holding me up.

Shell-Thank you. It’s hard to forgive yourself, sometimes even when you are the victim. Sigh.

Singedwingangel-Thank you so much for your words of empowerment. I am trying to shut off those tapes and a lifetime of others as well! Thank you for the love.

PolishMama-Thank you very, very much. Your compassion, the compassion of all of these beautiful women has brought me to tears. The good kind.

ABH-Thank you, sweet friend! I know I can always count on you!

Chibi-Thank you for sending me love, and understanding. I did do what was best for me, and there are times that I really struggle with feeling selfish because of it.

MamaRobinJ-There was so much mixed up in this attack, so much history, and then you add drugs to it? It has taken me many years to recover, and as I was writing this, I realized how much of a wound was still left. Thank you for being a part of my healing.

Jaime-Thank you. Hugs are always welcomed and appreciated. 

Haven-Thank you for being angry on my behalf. I know that I am not as angry as I should be for myself. Instead, I am often angry at myself, yet I would never be angry at someone else in my position…..Sigh. I am working on it. Love to you, too!

Kris-Thank you for seeing me. I still struggle with seeing myself. Hopefully, one day, it will just be. Love.

Britt-I love you. I love that you support and you never judge me-- and always champion me. That you speak your mind, and share your struggles too. I am so lucky to have you in my life.

Jayne said...

TO ALL OF YOU: Even in these comment responses and the blog that follows this one--

I cannot thank you enough. Your love, encouragement, support, kindness, etc. is unbelievable! Reading your comments over again brought even more tears! You have all helped me so much! Love and gratitude to each of you!

Kacie said...

courtney.

i'm at a loss.

i want to hug you.
and tell you YOU ARE BRAVE.

and cry for you and cry with you.

but those are things i want..
i never know what to say in serious, life wrenching situations.

though i've never met you..
i love you and i respect you beyond words.

xoxo

Jayne said...

Kacie-You are such a beautifully sweet person. I am glad to know you. Thank you so much! Someday, we shall met in person and have lots of hugs and giggles! Much Love!

Jen Has A Pen said...

Wow. I just became a new follower and decided to dig into a few of your posts.

Wow.

I was not expecting this. What an awful, awful story. I can't find any words. Obviously you are coping with this, but I can't begin to understand the damage that has been done to you as a result. I am so so so sorry to hear this. So, so sorry that it has happened to you - to ANYONE.

You are brave to share. Respect.