Thursday, March 3, 2011

You don't appreciate my APPRECIATING!


It's hard.

[Aren't you so happy that I guide you through these earth-shattering epiphanies?]

It frightens me because I'm constantly struck with how many people just don't realize that.

And that even though I do, I'm still taken aback sometimes...

The Spouse Unit and I have been arguing a lot lately.
Not in the "We're heading for divorce" kinda way, but just a ton of annoyed/irritated bickering.

Which gets real old, real fast and leads to more fully-fleshed angries.

Yesterday morning?
I said something that I thought was helpful.
He snapped.
I snapped back.

I had HAD it.

I didn't talk to him all day.
(We usually text/talk throughout the day)

I needed to calm down and organize my thoughts.

Why are we so freakin' crabby?
What is HIS problem?
What is MY problem?

So I fumed all day.

I decided, finally, that I was feeling

Unappreciated. Disrespected.
 And also?
Like The Bad Guy.
All the time.

This really made me sad.

I work really hard at our lives.  At our marriage.  At raising our son.
My main goal in life?
To ensure that my husband and son are well-cared for and happy.
That our family is happy.
That is what makes ME happy.

So the fact that I was feeling like my Husband might be seeing me as the "Harpy Wife?"

and I was pissed.

I am a fantastical wife, damn it!
What the HELL does he want from me?
I couldn't be more awesome, and he couldn't be more Lucky!
I am all sorts of appreciative of his hard work, how can he not appreciate me, appreciating that?

[...and Cue Spiral...]


We put O to bed.  I pulled the We Need to Talk card.
Which he hates.  All men hate it.  I'm aware.

But we really did need to talk.

After not getting anywhere for a while, we finally realized that we were both struggling in our roles.

As a Wife/Mother/Adult and Husband/Father/Adult

Specifically--how those roles were reflected to and on one another as a couple.

Make sense?  Hopefully.

We also figured out that while we both thought we we being all appreciative, helpful and respectful to the other?

It wasn't being received that way, a lot of the time.

This sorta scared us.

Ummm, holy shit. 
Communication in our marriage is TERRIBLE. We.ARE.DOOOOMED.

But notsomuch, really.

We just needed to have a couple reality checks and get back on track.
In addition (and probably most importantly), we needed to be frank about some outside factors affecting our attitudes, which would directly affect our "hearing."....


Living on a shoe-stringy budget (and all the stress that goes with it) is hard on your marriage

Living with Chronic pain (and the frustration and helplessness on both sides) is hard on your marriage.

Living without medication (ADD for him, Depression for me) is hard on your marriage.

Living with your in-laws (however awesome they may be and however grateful you ARE) is hard on your marriage.  

Trying to be a new parent in that environment? You guessed it! Haaaard on the marriage.

We will make it out of, and past these obstacles eventually, but it's going to be awhile. 
We are working, we are trying, we are hoping, we are waiting.
Waiting for the tides to turn in our favor.

The wait weighs on us both, heavily.  
The wait and the worry burdens our hearts.
Mostly out of concern for the other. And our son.
But those burdens can chafe once in awhile, and I don't know about you?

chafing makes me cuh-rank-eeee.

I think the same can be said for my Darling Husband.



Cave Momma said...

We can (all) relate to this. We have had many "talks". Specifically when I feel the distance, I bring it up. It's amazing what a productive conversation can do. Glad you guys are both back on the same page.

Endellion said...

selfish conclusion drawn from this post " wow, at least i don't have to live with his parents"

but yeah we have the " do you not see how much effort I'm putting into this" problem a lot especially now that he is figuring out i am not actually an adult so much as a horrified seven year old playing dress up

Anonymous said...

it doesn't cease to amaze me how you both actually manage to keep perspective in spite of all of the challenges. The 'hard' parts sometimes feel so overwhelming and sometimes, you can't help but feel alone. I get called out on that a lot. I think it's just me trying, or just me suffering. I lose perspective and then struggle to regain it. I suppose my point is that I love how you both can get frustrated and remember you love each other at the end of the day. So many people forget that last part, and forget to keep that perspective.

Kacie said...

ohhh courtney.. i know this subject ALL TOO WELL! :)

our first year was really easy.. really carefree.. really sweet and cuddly and wonderful.. then we entered our second year and "really got to know each other" ifyouknowwhatimean.

and can i please quote you and tell you how much i laughed out loud reading
"What is HIS problem?
What is MY problem?

ummmm!!! this is what i do!!

i see my complaints and my annoyances as WAY MORE IMPORTANT.. lol
and he sees his the same too!

its gets us no where fast.. but i can sure tell you.. (as i'm sure you know this part too)
i feel like such a stronger couple unit after we've calmed our storms.. like we made it out to the other side stronger and better for it.

JayneSees said...

Jeneva-It IS amazing what a good convo will do. I just wish it wasn't like pulling teeth to get the convo started! Ha!

H-Please. You're at LEAST 10. ;) I love you. And yes. Thank JEEEBUS you don't live w/ your ILs

HC-I struggle with feeling alone a lot, and with wanting to shoulder that for fear of burdening someone else, but I have to remember that my husband is my partner, and I am his. You have to remember the love, or what is left? Ya know?


Scarlet said...

I adore you! You guys have not had it easy, in any sense of the word. However, having spent time with you two, I'm sure you can handle it. I'm glad you guys talked <3

You make my freak out over moving, helping the boy find new work and dealing with my sister's wedding look like a total cake walk.

Stephanie Marie Trujillo said...

you just need to learn to sacrifice more bon-bon. OMG. I cant even keep a straight face typing that.. <3

Mrs. Kelsey said...

I hear and understand your frustrations! On the bright side, when my hubby & I have these talks, we always point out, "Hey, if we can make it through THIS, living with ILs, with NO money, etc, etc, we'll make it through anything else that life throws us". Keep your heads up!

livingsj77 said...

So true. Sometimes I look at our life and think, how did we get here? We used to be so happy and carefree and fun. And we are still happy and fun - most of the time...but carefree we are not! When you have unemployment, and debt and the possibility of forclosure and living with the in-laws and 2 kids and no savings and just enough to pay the bills and no date night in are not carefree anymore. Last week, my husband went $10 over his allotted lunch money for the pay period (I know, dorky, crazy, overbearing, whatever - but it's the only way I can keep on top of things) I lost my SHIT!!! It was one of our biggest fights and it wasn't even a fight because he was all "I know, I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again, you're right." It was just me SCREAMING!!!

Afterwards I was thinking, why do I flip out over $10? We are on a tight budget, but $10 is not going to send us in to bankrupcy. It's just all the stress that the $10 represents.

I totally feel you friend. I'm sorry you're going through so much stress right now

JayneSees said...

Tor-Thank you. I adore you as well!

Pie- I KNOW. I'm so ridiculous....ha!

Morgan-I know you feel my pain! Haha. I'm rooting for you guys too!

Jaime-Screaming over $10.00? That's been me for sure. On multiple occasions over the years.

When we got engaged, we were so naive. We had debt and student loans,and bills but we ALSO had our jobs/benefits, our hip little apartment, and our plucky wills to MAKE IT! Yay!

A few months before the wedding- The bottom dropped out. All of the sudden, our jobs/benefits were gone and everything was late or delinquent...the economy had tanked, and so had we.

So we moved in with his parents to catch up...It'll be FINE! A few months TOPS--We'll be be back on our feet!

..and we've been treading water for almost 3 years. Uggh.

But WE will make it, eventually, you and me!

10 bucks at a time...Ha! :)

Erin said...

Oh dear yes... you're living with the inlaws unmedicated? And you have a toddler? Good lord woman. I think you're doing pretty good if chafing and crankiness are the worst of it.

Money woes definitely have a way of sending me off the deep end in a hurry. Not so good at compartmentalizing that.

Hang in there!

The Sweetest said...

We have those talks from time to time, as well. It's like i think everything is kool, and we are cruising along, but really there are little irritations building up and then one of us EXPLODES and then I feel shame and he feels disconnected and then we kiss and make up and the whole thing starts all over.

WhisperingWriter said...

Yup, marriage is definately hard. We've had some pretty nasty fights over the years...

JayneSees said...

Erin-Thanks for the support! Sometimes it's a LOT more than chafing, but we do the best we can! Ha!

Carrie- "we kiss and make up and the whole thing starts all over."

The definition of marriage, right?

Anonymous said...

My husband and I had one of those all-day-irritation days yesterday.

People don't realize how hard marriage is. Until they go through it.

And I TOTALLY get the struggling with the roles of wife/husband mother/father adult.

It's freaking hard.

And I HATE feeling like the crazy nagging wife. HATE IT.

But what am I supposed to do?!

And I lived with my mother-in-law for awhile. I love her. Seriously. She is amazing.

But living with her was still hard.

And we don't have children!

I hope you have some nice, easiness coming up for you soon.

JayneSees said...

Amber-Missed your comment til now!
Full-time job that marriage is we get time and a half? Ha.

Haven-Crazy nagginess bums me out.
But sometimes, it's necessary. :) Easiness? Yes. That would be amazing. Not likely, but amazing!