Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lured and caught...Again.

I am not good with mornings.

It takes me a while to get adjusted.
To focus.
To calm.
To breathe.
To begin again.

A daily struggle to get out of bed.

For many reasons.

I lure myself out with visions of my son's face. The feeling of my husband's arms wrapped around me.

Last night I went to bed feeling really sad and guilty.
For many reasons.

This morning I woke up happy from dreams of a future I wish to have....

Such a rarity, good dreams...
(I never trust the nice ones)

But I am feeling good today, so rare or not, I'll take it!

Until I see the blood.

 I am kicked in the gut.

I know that we can't have another baby right now.
That's why I take Birth Control....you know, for that whole "controlled" part.

So why am I crying over a run-of-the-mill period?

For Many Reasons.

--Guys, if you didn't check out yesterday's post? Please Do!!!
Send this poor family some love, and donate if you can!


Leighann said...

Yup I know this feeling.
This "it wouldn't be so bad if it just happened" feeling.
And then?
Sadness, disappointment, crying when it doesn't.
Even though it's not supposed to.
It's not the right time.


Anonymous said...

Ai amor... perdon. You guys are working so hard... It really must be exhausting to keep waiting in hopes of a better tomorrow. I hope it comes quickly. And I hope you have many more mornings where you get to awake from pleasant dreams.

Jayne said...

Leighann-Blah, indeed. Thanks for your understanding.

HC-Yo tambien...Sigh. Just have to keep moving forward, right?

he calls me wifey said...

This makes my heart hurt for you Courtney.

I am so sorry that you feel this emptiness. I used the word empty because I can't really think of another word that would describe how I imagine that feeling to be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about babies and pregnancy and starting a family. The older I get, the more I fall in love with David and see how wonderful of a father he will be, the more I see and read about mommies out there around my age who swear by the love of their child(ren), I long for that in my life.

I don't know what my pregnancy journey will be like, but I can imagine that wanting it to be so badly leaves such a void in your heart and an emptiness in your chest that just expands.

I love you and I pray that, no matter what, that void will be filled within you <3

Jayne said...

ABH-Thank you, sweet lady. I so appreciate you and your love and friendship.

This post is about so many things I just didn't have the strength to articulate, but I know that you KNOW that.

I hope that the void is filled too. Someday.