Excused Absences.

So I haven't posted in over two weeks.
Yeesh.

I also haven't really been on the internet in over two weeks.
BIG YEESH.

Email, twitter, and blogs are often what make me feel sane and connected.
(and nope, I don't wanna know if you think that's sad.)


I have missed connecting and reading along with you all.

Where have I been?

It all started with a wedding...
Our good friend's brother was getting married, and because we knew they were on an almost non-existent budget, we offered to do their photos.

It was busy and HOT and stressful, but it was also beautiful and loving and perfect in its own way.

That was June 24th-25th.

I woke up on the 26th with a nasty cold.

I started taking the usual over-the-counter meds, drinking orange juice and sleeping.
and just kept getting worse....

But there was work to do!

I was feverishly trying to work through all the shots from the wedding, edit and put together an album so that I could get it and cds of the raw material to them as quickly as possible...

By the Friday before 4th of July, it was clear that I needed something stronger than Tropicana with a Tussin chaser.

Made an appt. with the doctor, since we now have Medi-Cal.

I go, and it's quickly ascertained that I have a respiratory infection.
But what ELSE do we ascertain?

That I'm PREGNANT.

Mmmmhmmm. Yep. Pregnant.

Well, THAT was unexpected.
I thought that birth control and I had an agreement.
Guess not so much.

I mean, YAAAAAY, a baby, but HOLLLLLY FUCK, my Huz hasn't got a job.

So far our searching hasn't yielded jack nor shit, but we ARE supposed to start getting unemployment next week, so that's a positive....

Of COURSE we want another child, but NOW?
It was a mixed bag of pure joy and utter terror...ha!

My husby was amazing.
Shocked, but happy and supportive. All the things you hope for.
My in-laws have also been amazing.
They are obviously stressed out and worried for us, but they are great.
I am so lucky to have them.

Then this Wednesday, I started cramping/bleeding.
My OB sent me to the ER.

My heart is sinking....

They ran blood work and did an ultrasound.

My pregnancy hormone levels are right where they should be, and they estimated that I was just about 5 weeks, which is really too early to get an accurate US, but there is a concern that the pregnancy is ectopic, because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries, and it needs to be confirmed that it's JUST a cyst-- not an implantation site.

The way I understand it, my hormone levels should be doubling every 2 days over the next couple of weeks, so if it does, that's a great sign, and they will do another US at 7-8 weeks.

If my hormones stagnate or plummet, than the pregnancy is not viable and they will take surgical action from there.

I had my second blood draw on Friday.
I find out the results on Monday.

I'm trying to keep a calm and brave face, but I'm really scared.

Despite our external circumstances, I want this baby so badly.

All of those "obstacles" have been pushed aside. 
All that matters now is that this is a healthy, normal pregnancy.

I don't want a 3rd miscarriage or and ectopic pregnancy.
I don't want someone to tell me that my child isn't "viable."

I'm trying to take solace in the fact that from what I've researched, ectopic pregnancies are rare AND, other than Wednesday, there hasn't been anymore cramping or bleeding.

They have me on bed rest until things are figured out.

I just want to celebrate, but I'm so scared.
I don't want my heart to be broken again.

Your support, love, prayers, crossed fingers, etc. would be and are, so appreciated.
I definitely need them that's for sure.

I will update as I know more.
Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hold on to hope.

Much Love.

I'm waaaay behind!

How is it December? 
(I still need to complete my last TOP entry...sorry'boutTHAT.)

I've completely been dropping the ball on my blogging and tweeting...

Truth be told, Twitter intimidates me. It's so all-consuming. I feel like I can't keep up, and need a crackberry/iphone/smartphone/compuphone to just maintain...


No thank you.

I'm not going to delete the account. but I've given up the ghosty of being all tweet-pro.

As for my blog, I reaalllly wanted to try and do at least 1 short post a day, with at least 1 meatier one a week, but so far, that hasn't happened either...

This is partially because I feel like it's silly.

Who wants to hear from ME on a daily basis? Isn't that a bit indulgent?
My life revolves around Elmo and shoring the tides of laundry that flow through my life.
This is not thought-provoking content.

I'm just not feeling particularly interesting these days...

Side Note: Does any one else feel like they've gotten drastically less intelligent since they became a mother?

Or am I experiencing my own personally deserved intellectual decay?

The other day, I couldn't remember how to spell knowledgeable.

Really?!

I used to be an editor for CRYING OUT LOUD. Now I'm stumped by an elementary-school vocab word.

For Shaaaaame.


Moving swiftly along-

We bought a new car! Yay! Well, new to us. It is a pre-owned 2010 Chevy HHR.

Yes, it was going to be tough to add yet another bill to our pile, but the time had come, and the Jetta needed to be put out to pasture, so we decided to at least look...


And as luck would have it, we found the perfect car for us at a amazing deal. 
 After showing it to my FIL, who is very savvy about these things, and getting the thumbs up from him, we decided that we were gonna go for it!

We were terrified, but we needed to pull the trigger.

THEN, on the way to the dealership, my ILs call to tell us that they've decided what to give us for Christmas....

They TOTALLY helped us out in the down payment arena in a very generous (and-completely-unnecessary-but-we'll-TAKE-IT kind of ) way.

I was bawling and GRATEFUL and sorta unsure if we were being "Punk'd" or not....but we weren't, so we signed the papers and drove home in our Shiny NEEEEEW CAAAAAAAAR!

We love it. I LOVE it.

I hated my husband's old car. It had a lot of bad Juju for me.  As my dear Father-in-law put it so perfectly:

"I can't say I'm sad to see that see that Blue Bitch go..."
 (I truly heart my FIL)




Indeed.

So sure it's another bill, but it's WELL worth it.

Goodbye, Mika...
Helllllllllooooo Julius!

Happy Hanukkah AND Merry Christmas, my friends!


Ps. I need someone to come over and watch Christmas movies with me whilst eating sugary holiday treats.

My hubs is a little scroogey and won't participate.  He teases me about being a bad Jew. He's right, but whatever...I ADORE Christmas.

And I light a Menorah.  I might even make Latkes. While eating Peppermint Bark....





Who's with me?

Hurray! Let's make a baby!

My spouseface does NOT have cancer. He's not going to die, nor is fertility being snatched away from us...(see title)...

The lumps are not dangerous in the immediate future....BUT He is going to follow-up with a urologist yearly from here-on-out, just to monitor the situation.

That's the gist of things!
He's kinda uncomfortable with his "dudes" being discussed in my blog, so that is all I will say.

Thank you for all the love/prayers/good vibes etc. We really appreciate it.



All off this madness as of late has made me think about mortality and such--How short life is.

So much of my life has been set up on the "when this, THEN this" type of schedule.

I've found myself asking the question: Do we (the universal we) have the time to keep to that schedule?

I mean, obviously, sometimes we have to.
We have to pay our bills before we go shopping for shoes.

But are we always supposed to wait? Do things the "right" way?

Every fiber of my brain screams yes to that question. My heart, on the other hand, wants things a little out of order.

I totally want to have another child. (like NOW)

I'm afraid that if we wait 'til it's the "right" time (we've moved out, become debt-free, we're making more money, etc.) it will be the wrong time for my body.

I'm  turning 30 in a few months. That's not old, but it's pushing it for someone with CP and CFS in terms of healthy pregnancies.
[And my pregnancy with O kicked my ASS.]

Plus, as you may have noticed, I'm often plagued with health issues. This makes me nervous about taking a leisurely stroll toward a second child.

Maybe we won't be able to have a second child, but I'd like to give us the best chances to try. I want to be as young/healthy-ISH as I can be.

Also? I would like for O and his potential sibling to be close in age.

Maybe it's greedy to want another baby, but I do! Is it?!

(It's funny, I had always thought I'd have 4 children. But life had a different plan. Sigh.)

If we can't have another baby, I will ALWAYS be beyond grateful that we were able to have Owen, but it will break my heart if we miss out on the gift a second child because we were waiting for the "right time" to start to try.


After almost three years of the wrong things happening to us/in our lives, it feels like the "Right Way" is a myth.

With the news of our "freedom" as it were, it feels like we need to carpe diem this mess!

But as my ILs heads would explode if we had another baby under their roof, I doubt we'll be carpe-ing OR diem-ing any time soon.

Which makes me a little sad. Okay, a lot sad, if I'm honest.


But my Hubs is of the non-cancerous variety, so Yippeeeeeee!

Dear Santy...

Hey Mister C!

I know it's been awhile since we've had any correspondence, but it's never to late to reconnect, right?

I need a favor. I need you to bring me some big-ticket items this Holiday Season. Yes, I know I'm almost 30. I know you've got that happiness of children across the world to worry about...nonetheless. 

(Let's be honest, you can squeeze me in.)

I have been a very good girl and this has been a very hard year. 

Here is what I'd like for Christmas:

1. I want to be debt-free. No more credit card, student loan, or medical debt. It's gonna run you about a $100,000.00 but trust me, it'll be worth it.

2. A new car. Our Jetta is dying, and really? SO NOT a family car. We'd really like the Chevy HHR. We found a lovely pre-owned one a CarMax-making your job THAT much easier.

That's it! That's all I want...well, I'd love health insurance, but I'm trying to be realistic here.

As the Jolliest of all Elves, I know you can make this happen. Pull some strings, call your friends (Oprah has GOT to be on your speed dial, and she could do this in her SLEEP.), work your Kringly magic.

I could really use a Christmas miracle this year, sir. 

(And not to drag up the past, but this would TOTALLY make up for all the years you accidentally "missed" my house.)

Love,

CJ

PS. Fulfilling my Christmas Wish does not negate your duties to my son. He's not old enough to write letters or know who you are, but someday, he will. I would expect that his letters will be assessed fairly.

[In the event that this doesn't pan out, I've also written to Ellen.]

The Moonbeams of (Pending) Motherhood...

So I've decided that this entry should be a more optimistic one than my most recent posts.

That instead of scaring the bejeezus out of my childless friends, I should talk about all the warm and fuzzies of being pregnant...and comfort them in their potential futures...

Now, you may be thinking to yourself:

"But doesn't that go EXACTLY against what you were just railing on about in your last blog?"

Maybe, but I'm not going to lie about any of the hearts and flowers, so not really.

Let's get started!

"Things that are Awesome About Being Pregnant": or, "Why Stretchmarks on Your Lovehandles Really ARE Worth it!"*


(*This list is based on my personal experiences, and may not be the same for all people)


1. Someone loves you enough to create a human being with you. Loving someone so much that you want to create a life with him/her, is so beautiful, it's beyond words.

2. You as a woman, are a superbeing. CMON, you're growing AND HOUSING a child in your belly! How Pimp is that? Men would never survive, I'm convinced.

3. Gaining weight is encouraged. (Within a reasonable limit, of course.) I don't think I've been encouraged to GAIN weight since March of '81...it's very freeing.

4. Eating has never been so wonderful. Once you get past the vomiting stage, food becomes your BFF. Seriously. There's not much that makes me happier than food these days. The best part? Your loved ones/spouse will give you WHATEVER you want! Donut a 2pm? Okay! Tacos at 2am? We'll find a way!

5. The amount of love and adoration you feel for your child really does make everything else manageable. It's the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life.

6. Feeling the baby move and grow. It's indescribable. Sure, it comes with its issues, but that doesn't matter. IT IS SO FREAKING COOL. This tiny little person is in there, making his presence known INSIDE YOUR BELLY.

7. Growing as a person. Learning that you are going to be a parent forces you to really get your shit together. To let go of things you've been hanging on to, that in the grand scheme of your life-DOESN'T matter. It forces you to see the good things in yourself, and to clean up the not-so-stellar things.

8. Looking forward to the future. I spend a ton of time daydreaming about what my son will look/sound/be like. I think about all the things that I want to show him, the places I want to take him, the life I want to give him. Will it all be perfect and exactly as I envision it? NO. But, I know that as long as he feels loved, wanted and accepted, with a solid sense of self- he will have a great life. This means that my greatest job in life is to love a child, and my most triumphant success will be him coming through life knowing that he is loved and valuable. Nothing on Earth could be better than that. It makes everything that I "thought" were measures of success, and constantly beat myself up for not having, look ridiculous in comparison.
Does this mean that I will stop stressing about money or financial stability? Not even close....but I have stopped seeing that as the only thing that solidifies my worthiness in the world.

I am bringing a life into this world, damnit. I'm kinda a big deal.

And that, my friends, is just a brief shine on "Pregnancy-It's So Nifty": or, "Why I Didn't SOB When I Discovered the Stretchmarks Crawling up my Lovehandles Yesterday"

This is going to be one of those "Did she REALLY just share that?" posts...

So I had my 6 month visit with the Obgyn today.

Technically, I'm at 26 weeks, not 24, but whatever.

But on that note, my fundal measurement (the length from the top of your uterus to your pubic bone) is measuring at 28 weeks, so Owen could be here early.

Which is what I've been saying all ALONG, but my Doc keeps shooting that down...WHAT DOES HE KNOW? He's just the doctor. Ha.

I also gained 6 lbs since my appointment last month. I'm only supposed to gain 3-4 lbs a month, so I felt pretty behemoth (don't even get me started on the TOTAL number, yiiikes), but since I was still negative 3 lbs from my starting weight at the previous visit, I'd technically only gained 3 lbs.

He was happy with this, I was not.

I'm afraid the weight is going to start snowballing in these last 3 months.

I've heard that happening to a lot of pregnant women and it scares me.

Not from a vanity standpoint, but a health one.

I did not start this pregnancy a small girl, and even though I'd SWORN to myself that I would lose all the weight I gained after the rape before I got pregnant....

the intervening 5 years has taught me that A. life never goes according to plan, and B. 100 lbs is WAAAAAY easier to gain than it is to lose.

Obviously, being overweight is not ideal, pregnant or not, so the concept of adding 20-a gazillion lbs to that is scary, but I mostly worry about it in terms of things like gestational diabetes, and healthy labor and delivery. In 3 weeks, I'll have my glucose test, so I'm even more nervous.

I know, I just have to be careful, and I can't beat myself up, but I can't help it sometimes....


All that being said, Owen is doing great, so I should just shut up and be grateful!

On to the TMI portion of our program.....


I'm pretty sure that at this point, my vagina hates me.
I'm thinking it's because she knows of the battle that lies ahead, and is none-too-pleased about it.

I can't be sure of this of course, but all I know is that from the day I got pregnant, I have had nothing but issues in the "lady business" area.

Bladder infections, yeast infections, urinary tract....ay yai yai! It's like she's leading a protest revolt or something....

If that wasn't enough, over the last couple of months, sex has become incredibly painful.
Like the "don't even come near me, no matter how much lube you have" kind of painful.

My poor husband. He's been so understanding and patient, but the poor bastard just wants to get laid, and it's kinda, really, NOT happening for him.

First it was the morning/all day vomiting, then the round after round of antibiotics, now this.

So, I mention this in passing to my doctor last month, and he says:

"No worries, probably just from lack of sex in the previous months. Take it slow, use lube, foreplay, you'll be fine."


No dice!

So I mention it AGAIN today, during my appointment. He asks me to describe it (the pain) in a bit more detail....

Now, I am not a shy or conservative woman, but there's something a little unnerving about having to say the following the man who will deliver your child:

"Well, when he tries to penetrate, it hurts the way it would if you were still recovering from a previous night of really rough, unlubed sex, and THEN were stupid enough to go at it again at full tilt, without a breather....KnowwhatImean?"


The words just fell OUT OF MY MOUTH.

It was like I couldn't stop myself. Oh, wait, that's right: I DIDN'T.

Well, the look on his face was priceless.

He then proceeded to clear his throat, and ask me if I had any history with herpes and/or other STDs.

Thought I was going to DIE.  Roseanne Roseannadanna-style.

After I vehemently stated that I have never had herpes or any other type of creepy-crawly in my bathing suit area, he moved on to doing a vaginal culture, and concluded that it is probably a type of "non-infectious vaginitis" (mmmmmhmm, SEXY) which is apparently, super-common.

Oh, goody!
Treatment?
MORE antibiotics, and you guessed it, no sex.



Sorry, Hubalubs.

Looks like I'm not the only one "SHE" hates......