Excused Absences.

So I haven't posted in over two weeks.
Yeesh.

I also haven't really been on the internet in over two weeks.
BIG YEESH.

Email, twitter, and blogs are often what make me feel sane and connected.
(and nope, I don't wanna know if you think that's sad.)


I have missed connecting and reading along with you all.

Where have I been?

It all started with a wedding...
Our good friend's brother was getting married, and because we knew they were on an almost non-existent budget, we offered to do their photos.

It was busy and HOT and stressful, but it was also beautiful and loving and perfect in its own way.

That was June 24th-25th.

I woke up on the 26th with a nasty cold.

I started taking the usual over-the-counter meds, drinking orange juice and sleeping.
and just kept getting worse....

But there was work to do!

I was feverishly trying to work through all the shots from the wedding, edit and put together an album so that I could get it and cds of the raw material to them as quickly as possible...

By the Friday before 4th of July, it was clear that I needed something stronger than Tropicana with a Tussin chaser.

Made an appt. with the doctor, since we now have Medi-Cal.

I go, and it's quickly ascertained that I have a respiratory infection.
But what ELSE do we ascertain?

That I'm PREGNANT.

Mmmmhmmm. Yep. Pregnant.

Well, THAT was unexpected.
I thought that birth control and I had an agreement.
Guess not so much.

I mean, YAAAAAY, a baby, but HOLLLLLY FUCK, my Huz hasn't got a job.

So far our searching hasn't yielded jack nor shit, but we ARE supposed to start getting unemployment next week, so that's a positive....

Of COURSE we want another child, but NOW?
It was a mixed bag of pure joy and utter terror...ha!

My husby was amazing.
Shocked, but happy and supportive. All the things you hope for.
My in-laws have also been amazing.
They are obviously stressed out and worried for us, but they are great.
I am so lucky to have them.

Then this Wednesday, I started cramping/bleeding.
My OB sent me to the ER.

My heart is sinking....

They ran blood work and did an ultrasound.

My pregnancy hormone levels are right where they should be, and they estimated that I was just about 5 weeks, which is really too early to get an accurate US, but there is a concern that the pregnancy is ectopic, because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries, and it needs to be confirmed that it's JUST a cyst-- not an implantation site.

The way I understand it, my hormone levels should be doubling every 2 days over the next couple of weeks, so if it does, that's a great sign, and they will do another US at 7-8 weeks.

If my hormones stagnate or plummet, than the pregnancy is not viable and they will take surgical action from there.

I had my second blood draw on Friday.
I find out the results on Monday.

I'm trying to keep a calm and brave face, but I'm really scared.

Despite our external circumstances, I want this baby so badly.

All of those "obstacles" have been pushed aside. 
All that matters now is that this is a healthy, normal pregnancy.

I don't want a 3rd miscarriage or and ectopic pregnancy.
I don't want someone to tell me that my child isn't "viable."

I'm trying to take solace in the fact that from what I've researched, ectopic pregnancies are rare AND, other than Wednesday, there hasn't been anymore cramping or bleeding.

They have me on bed rest until things are figured out.

I just want to celebrate, but I'm so scared.
I don't want my heart to be broken again.

Your support, love, prayers, crossed fingers, etc. would be and are, so appreciated.
I definitely need them that's for sure.

I will update as I know more.
Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hold on to hope.

Much Love.

Children Need to be Lined Up Two by Two, Apparently.

As soon as you get married, people immediately start asking you about babies.
Someone asked us AT our wedding.
It's a lot of pressure.

When you finally (if you are lucky enough) HAVE your first child, people immediately start asking about siblings.
Also--A LOT of pressure.

I was at book club the other night and the "when-are-you-guys-having another-baby" topic came up again....

I  hate having this conversation.

If you read my blog often, you'll know that I MOST DEFINITELY want another child.

I worry about it a lot actually:

Will we be able to?
What about our money issues?
WHEN will we be able to?
What about our living situation?
What if it takes years?
How far apart will the kids grow up?

I am definitely feeling the burn of baby fever, but I hate having that conversation because of the explaining that goes with it....
Yes, we want to have another baby but we have to wait until X-Y-Z....

Not so bad, except that people are starting to say things like:
Well, you don't want to wait TOO long, and/or it's not good for kids to be too far apart...

That's the LAST thing I need to hear.
  I ALREADY stay awake at night with those thoughts all by my damn neurotic self!

Reinforcement of those fears is unnecessary.

The sad thing is?

I know I've done it! 

Asked couples about babies....
Asked them about sibling-type babies....
Encouraged more babies....
YIKES.

I just LOVE children.
As do most of the women I know.

The creation of a new life, the building of a family?
EXCITING!

But it's never as simple as you wish it could be.

I am so incredibly lucky to have my son.
He is a gift of massive proportions.
 So I feel guilty sometimes when I find myself wishing so fervently for another child.

Especially when I know women desperately trying to conceive at ALL, let alone, AGAIN...

On the other hand though, I get angry when I'm made to feel guilty for wanting another child because I don't meet the "right" criteria that somehow would ALLOW me to have another child.


Sigh.

Bottom line?
I want to have another child.
I desperately want O to have a sibling, a playmate.
One that is his age.

I have no idea when/if that will happen, but in the meantime I will enjoy every minute with the one child I have and continue to wish....

For myself and all the other women out there wishing for a little baby dust to be sprinkled their way.

With extra handfuls for those who are still waiting for it to FINALLY be their turn.


Life is never as simple as we hope it would be.....






If you get a chance--
please visit my friend over at Hasta Claridad.
She's written a piece that so beautifully and painfully captures the feelings you struggle with when trying to have a child, and you wonder if you ever will.

I knew that feeling well, as I'm sure some of you do/have too.
Stop by and give her some love. Encourage her journey and applaud her honesty.