I'm having a serious blogging crisis, which I'm not even sure how to post about, so I'll get into that later...
Since it's been awhile though, I did want to check in--keep everybody updated on our ummmmm, errrrrm progress?
Yesterday was the one monthaversary of Huz' unemployment.
Obviously, it was an understated celebration....harumph.
He's been applying every day since he lost his job, he's been going to an employment resource center 2x a week, and he's been going to job fairs.
A dear friend even took the time to lend us her professional eye and rehauled his resume...
Annnnd, NADA.
Not even a call back.
As an added bonus?
My student loan payments went up another $200 a month.
(Found out that little gem out the day Husband lost his job.)
Sallie Mae doesn't give a rat's ASS about my no-income situation.
I was basically told to pay up or default.
HELPFUL.
We're feeling GREAT about life.
It's only been a month, right?
Right?
Right....
(as I look nervously at my expanding belly)
We did qualify for unemployment, and got our first check in the mail today....
A whopping $342.00!
I'd laugh at the amount if we didn't need it so badly.
It's SOMETHING, so I have to focus on that.
My Medi-Cal situation is kiiiinda settled, in that I am eligible for prenatal MC, but not fully instated because their records still show that I have alternate coverage.
I dropped off our termination letter to the offices last week after FINALLY getting it from Kaiser (who took their sweet time), but when I called the MC offices, they said that the whole thing could take up to 20 business days to process....
Awesome!
So I'm in limbo, but my OB agreed to see me and just backdate for as long as he can.
Baby is doing well, and is healthy from what they can tell.
It's a GIRL btw (for those of you who don't follow facebook or twitter)!!
At least they're 90% sure it's a girl....
The last US I was able to have was right at 17wks, so they said it was a bit early, but the tech was super confident.
As she put it:
Nothing was popping UP. Ha!
I'll be 20 weeks on Monday, and I have an appt. with the Perinatalogist on the 4th.
He'll be able to do a much more thorough/detailed scan then.
But so far, everything looks good!
Physically, I'm feeling okayish.
I'm exhausted all the time, and the joint pain has already kicked into high gear, so I know I've got A LOT to look forward to in the coming months!
I'm excited, but not as ecstatic as I thought I would be.
I mean, I'm thrilled we're having a girl...I'm thrilled we're having a BABY, but I think my enthusiasm/joy is clouded by stress and depression.
I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it.
Asking myself Again and Again: Where did we go so wrong?
I keep wondering/questioning, even praying:
When the FUCK are things going to ACTUALLY turn around for us?
Every time we pass by the apartment complex that we were supposed to move into, my stomach just sinks, and I feel that sting of tears behind my eyes....
Unpacking our boxes gutted us both.
It's been a really long and ugly month.
We're trying very hard to plaster a smile on our faces and soldier forward.
Whenever someone asks how we are, we say:
We're hanging in there! Trying to stay positive, and looking forward to whatever opportunity comes our way!
Which is true.
Sort of...
In the quiet moments of the day, when we're alone?
We feel stuck.
Scared.
Angry.
Heartbroken.
This pattern of two steps forward, 3 steps back has plagued us for too long.
It's no longer about my husband just finding a good job.
For us to actually move in FORWARD motion?
He needs a fucking miracle job.
We need a sweepstakes win.
We need magic.
Since magic, miracles and Ed McMahon seem to be outta our reach, the plan is for the Huz to find a full-time job, get settled in that schedule and then take on a night/weekend job, and just begin digging our way to the top of some semblance of stability.
Piece of cake, no?
Jobs are just RIPE for the picking!
Snort.
(are we working the wrong field?)
People keep telling me that our break is just around the corner, good things happen to good people, etc....
I sure hope so.
But I think we're going to be stuck for a long damn time.
We haven't any other choice than to just keep trudging through the shit we've got and to make the best of it.
I'm honestly not sure how to keep doing that.
But we'll figure it out.
Key thing about parenthood is that it takes quitting COMPLETELY OFF the table.
Annoying, right?
Ha.
As usual, thanks to all of you who've checked in with us, offered commiseration, and are generally rooting for us.
We really appreciate all the support.
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pregnancy. Show all posts
Friday, March 16, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Exhaustion and A Soapbox.
Guys?
I'm so tired.
Mind-numbingly so.
I forgot how exhausting it is for me (hell, most of us) to grow a tiny human.
Right before Christmas, everything was shiny, clean, and organized.
After the holiday and a week of guests, it looks like a bomb went off...
I need to get things back in order.
I need to put away dunes of laundry.
I need to scrub out the fridge before it starts taking hostages.
But.I.Just.Can't.
Just the basics of getting through the day with O saps all my energy.
He's fed, mostly clean (I kid) and loved, so I'm winning at life, right?
[Shout out to Disney Jr. and PBS for their supportive roles in this endeavor...ahem...]
When he naps, I nap.
And keeping my eyes open after 9pm is quite the feat...
I miss my meds.
Aside from helping me manage the mental loops of depression, they were instrumental in managing the physical effects of not only depression, but of chronic illness/pain/fatigue.
Which I often feel are more damaging to my well-being then the mental side effects...
Quitting them cold-turkey has been a royal bitch.
The headaches alone...
But the thing I hate the most?
The way I'm treated off my meds...
(DISCLAIMER: it's not everyone and it's not all the time, but it's prevalent enough to be an established pattern)
Any emotion I have is typically treated as a farce.
It's that unspoken but CLEARLY stated attitude of:
"Pay no mind to her, she's off her meds."
Particularly if I'm upset about something...
Oh, we didn't actually hurt your feelings, disrespect your opinion, ignore your pain, or make you angry, you're just hormonal and unmedicated.
You poor thing, you.
Don't you worry though, we'll grin and bear it.
For you!
Well, isn't that fucking special.
I'm not mentally incompetent, people.
There is actual validity to my emotions.
Now, I will be the first to admit that off my meds and dependent on my level of stress, my patience wears thinner and my temper fuse is shorter, but the biggest thing that changes is my ability to
smile and fake it.
I completely lose that ability to diplomatically sidestep and do-si-do around bullshit.
I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly, nor I am I trying to make anyone else uncomfortable/sad/whathaveyou. I'm just trying to
Deal with the reality of my life.
by being honest about it.
Frank, even.
I get that my reality may be scary to some folks, or make others uncomfortable--
I try really hard to be aware of that, and do my best to compensate, but I don't always have it in me.
It's not very easy for me to pretend like everything is peachy when it's clearly not.
It takes a lot of fucking effort when I'm already trying to keep it together in a million other ways.
I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I don't want to burden anyone.
Here's the thing though-
I should be able to be honest about my struggles and I should be able to ask for help.
More importantly, I deserve genuine respect and compassion when I do so...
Maybe I am a bit more blunt and a little less pliable than usual, but if you were dealing with another high-risk pregnancy (your 5th), pregnancy nausea, a busy 2-yr-old, a possibility of cancer, financial worries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone injections that give you dizziness and hot flashes, AND the effects of depression, I'd bet good money that you wouldn't be too full of roses and sunshine either.
And just because I'm unmedicated, and therefore less able to filter-- doesn't mean that someone hasn't legitimately been less than awesome.
Sigh.
This is (HOPEFULLY) going to be a loooong pregnancy.
Again.
I need some ice cream.
Nooo....I am so NOT eating my feelings!
It's for the BABY.
;)
Now I'm gonna go do like the cool toddlers do and NAP.
I'm so tired.
Mind-numbingly so.
I forgot how exhausting it is for me (hell, most of us) to grow a tiny human.
Right before Christmas, everything was shiny, clean, and organized.
After the holiday and a week of guests, it looks like a bomb went off...
 |
| Piles like this are everywhere! 4 of 356 |
I need to get things back in order.
I need to put away dunes of laundry.
I need to scrub out the fridge before it starts taking hostages.
But.I.Just.Can't.
Just the basics of getting through the day with O saps all my energy.
He's fed, mostly clean (I kid) and loved, so I'm winning at life, right?
[Shout out to Disney Jr. and PBS for their supportive roles in this endeavor...ahem...]
 |
| Oh, Mickey...Thanks for inviting us to your clubhouse! 5 of 365 |
When he naps, I nap.
And keeping my eyes open after 9pm is quite the feat...
I miss my meds.
Aside from helping me manage the mental loops of depression, they were instrumental in managing the physical effects of not only depression, but of chronic illness/pain/fatigue.
Which I often feel are more damaging to my well-being then the mental side effects...
Quitting them cold-turkey has been a royal bitch.
The headaches alone...
But the thing I hate the most?
The way I'm treated off my meds...
(DISCLAIMER: it's not everyone and it's not all the time, but it's prevalent enough to be an established pattern)
Any emotion I have is typically treated as a farce.
It's that unspoken but CLEARLY stated attitude of:
"Pay no mind to her, she's off her meds."
Particularly if I'm upset about something...
Oh, we didn't actually hurt your feelings, disrespect your opinion, ignore your pain, or make you angry, you're just hormonal and unmedicated.
You poor thing, you.
Don't you worry though, we'll grin and bear it.
For you!
Well, isn't that fucking special.
I'm not mentally incompetent, people.
There is actual validity to my emotions.
Now, I will be the first to admit that off my meds and dependent on my level of stress, my patience wears thinner and my temper fuse is shorter, but the biggest thing that changes is my ability to
smile and fake it.
I completely lose that ability to diplomatically sidestep and do-si-do around bullshit.
I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly, nor I am I trying to make anyone else uncomfortable/sad/whathaveyou. I'm just trying to
Deal with the reality of my life.
by being honest about it.
Frank, even.
I get that my reality may be scary to some folks, or make others uncomfortable--
I try really hard to be aware of that, and do my best to compensate, but I don't always have it in me.
It's not very easy for me to pretend like everything is peachy when it's clearly not.
It takes a lot of fucking effort when I'm already trying to keep it together in a million other ways.
I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I don't want to burden anyone.
Here's the thing though-
I should be able to be honest about my struggles and I should be able to ask for help.
More importantly, I deserve genuine respect and compassion when I do so...
Maybe I am a bit more blunt and a little less pliable than usual, but if you were dealing with another high-risk pregnancy (your 5th), pregnancy nausea, a busy 2-yr-old, a possibility of cancer, financial worries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone injections that give you dizziness and hot flashes, AND the effects of depression, I'd bet good money that you wouldn't be too full of roses and sunshine either.
And just because I'm unmedicated, and therefore less able to filter-- doesn't mean that someone hasn't legitimately been less than awesome.
Sigh.
This is (HOPEFULLY) going to be a loooong pregnancy.
Again.
I need some ice cream.
Nooo....I am so NOT eating my feelings!
It's for the BABY.
;)
Now I'm gonna go do like the cool toddlers do and NAP.
 |
| If you listen closely, you can hear the piles growing....the laundry is particularly prolific. Day 6 of 365 |
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...
Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.
I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...
But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.
All immediate positives.
Doctor's office: POSITIVE
Yaaaaay, right?
YES!
Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.
Well, Fuuuuuck.
So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.
They worked!
I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...
Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!
And THEN.....
My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....
Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?
That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?
Yeeeeah.
I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...
He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.
If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.
But you know what?
Fuck that noise.
I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.
I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....
(it's been rough)
Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.
Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.
I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...
Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...
Well.
There's that...
Ahem.
However--
I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....
Nope!
Also?
We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.
I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.
I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.
This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.
It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.
This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.
Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...
But as I said before, I can't go there yet.
I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.
Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.
Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.
But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.
I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.
Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.
It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.
I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!), and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....
Thanks for hanging out with me.
Much Love.
I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...
But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.
All immediate positives.
Doctor's office: POSITIVE
Yaaaaay, right?
YES!
Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.
Well, Fuuuuuck.
So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.
They worked!
I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...
Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!
And THEN.....
My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....
Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?
That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?
Yeeeeah.
I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...
He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.
If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.
But you know what?
Fuck that noise.
I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.
I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....
(it's been rough)
Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.
Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.
I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...
Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...
Well.
There's that...
 |
| There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365 |
However--
I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....
Nope!
Also?
We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.
I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.
I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.
This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.
It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.
This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.
Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...
But as I said before, I can't go there yet.
I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.
Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.
Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.
But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.
I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.
Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.
It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.
I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!), and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....
Thanks for hanging out with me.
Much Love.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Moonbeams of (Pending) Motherhood...
So I've decided that this entry should be a more optimistic one than my most recent posts.
That instead of scaring the bejeezus out of my childless friends, I should talk about all the warm and fuzzies of being pregnant...and comfort them in their potential futures...
Now, you may be thinking to yourself:
"But doesn't that go EXACTLY against what you were just railing on about in your last blog?"
Maybe, but I'm not going to lie about any of the hearts and flowers, so not really.
Let's get started!
"Things that are Awesome About Being Pregnant": or, "Why Stretchmarks on Your Lovehandles Really ARE Worth it!"*
(*This list is based on my personal experiences, and may not be the same for all people)
1. Someone loves you enough to create a human being with you. Loving someone so much that you want to create a life with him/her, is so beautiful, it's beyond words.
2. You as a woman, are a superbeing. CMON, you're growing AND HOUSING a child in your belly! How Pimp is that? Men would never survive, I'm convinced.
3. Gaining weight is encouraged. (Within a reasonable limit, of course.) I don't think I've been encouraged to GAIN weight since March of '81...it's very freeing.
4. Eating has never been so wonderful. Once you get past the vomiting stage, food becomes your BFF. Seriously. There's not much that makes me happier than food these days. The best part? Your loved ones/spouse will give you WHATEVER you want! Donut a 2pm? Okay! Tacos at 2am? We'll find a way!
5. The amount of love and adoration you feel for your child really does make everything else manageable. It's the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life.
6. Feeling the baby move and grow. It's indescribable. Sure, it comes with its issues, but that doesn't matter. IT IS SO FREAKING COOL. This tiny little person is in there, making his presence known INSIDE YOUR BELLY.
7. Growing as a person. Learning that you are going to be a parent forces you to really get your shit together. To let go of things you've been hanging on to, that in the grand scheme of your life-DOESN'T matter. It forces you to see the good things in yourself, and to clean up the not-so-stellar things.
8. Looking forward to the future. I spend a ton of time daydreaming about what my son will look/sound/be like. I think about all the things that I want to show him, the places I want to take him, the life I want to give him. Will it all be perfect and exactly as I envision it? NO. But, I know that as long as he feels loved, wanted and accepted, with a solid sense of self- he will have a great life. This means that my greatest job in life is to love a child, and my most triumphant success will be him coming through life knowing that he is loved and valuable. Nothing on Earth could be better than that. It makes everything that I "thought" were measures of success, and constantly beat myself up for not having, look ridiculous in comparison.
Does this mean that I will stop stressing about money or financial stability? Not even close....but I have stopped seeing that as the only thing that solidifies my worthiness in the world.
I am bringing a life into this world, damnit. I'm kinda a big deal.
And that, my friends, is just a brief shine on "Pregnancy-It's So Nifty": or, "Why I Didn't SOB When I Discovered the Stretchmarks Crawling up my Lovehandles Yesterday"
That instead of scaring the bejeezus out of my childless friends, I should talk about all the warm and fuzzies of being pregnant...and comfort them in their potential futures...
Now, you may be thinking to yourself:
"But doesn't that go EXACTLY against what you were just railing on about in your last blog?"
Maybe, but I'm not going to lie about any of the hearts and flowers, so not really.
Let's get started!
"Things that are Awesome About Being Pregnant": or, "Why Stretchmarks on Your Lovehandles Really ARE Worth it!"*
(*This list is based on my personal experiences, and may not be the same for all people)
1. Someone loves you enough to create a human being with you. Loving someone so much that you want to create a life with him/her, is so beautiful, it's beyond words.
2. You as a woman, are a superbeing. CMON, you're growing AND HOUSING a child in your belly! How Pimp is that? Men would never survive, I'm convinced.
3. Gaining weight is encouraged. (Within a reasonable limit, of course.) I don't think I've been encouraged to GAIN weight since March of '81...it's very freeing.
4. Eating has never been so wonderful. Once you get past the vomiting stage, food becomes your BFF. Seriously. There's not much that makes me happier than food these days. The best part? Your loved ones/spouse will give you WHATEVER you want! Donut a 2pm? Okay! Tacos at 2am? We'll find a way!
5. The amount of love and adoration you feel for your child really does make everything else manageable. It's the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life.
6. Feeling the baby move and grow. It's indescribable. Sure, it comes with its issues, but that doesn't matter. IT IS SO FREAKING COOL. This tiny little person is in there, making his presence known INSIDE YOUR BELLY.
7. Growing as a person. Learning that you are going to be a parent forces you to really get your shit together. To let go of things you've been hanging on to, that in the grand scheme of your life-DOESN'T matter. It forces you to see the good things in yourself, and to clean up the not-so-stellar things.
8. Looking forward to the future. I spend a ton of time daydreaming about what my son will look/sound/be like. I think about all the things that I want to show him, the places I want to take him, the life I want to give him. Will it all be perfect and exactly as I envision it? NO. But, I know that as long as he feels loved, wanted and accepted, with a solid sense of self- he will have a great life. This means that my greatest job in life is to love a child, and my most triumphant success will be him coming through life knowing that he is loved and valuable. Nothing on Earth could be better than that. It makes everything that I "thought" were measures of success, and constantly beat myself up for not having, look ridiculous in comparison.
Does this mean that I will stop stressing about money or financial stability? Not even close....but I have stopped seeing that as the only thing that solidifies my worthiness in the world.
I am bringing a life into this world, damnit. I'm kinda a big deal.
And that, my friends, is just a brief shine on "Pregnancy-It's So Nifty": or, "Why I Didn't SOB When I Discovered the Stretchmarks Crawling up my Lovehandles Yesterday"
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
A bunch of a lotta things. And then more.
Note: I started this blog yesterday
I try to keep these posts as cohesive as possible, so that I don't ramble like a lunatic, but there's a ton of thoughts and emotions swimming around in the ol' noodle today, So we'll see what happens...
Maybe I'll break this up into two posts. I'm not sure if I can tie everything together.
Anyway-
Life is so freaking unpredictable, fragile, unknown, what-have-you.
I sit here 7 months pregnant, so in love with my son it HURTS.
8 months ago, I was seriously trying to wrap my head around not having children entirely.
Craziness.
A girl I know (I guess I shouldn't say girl, she is only 4 or 5 years younger than me), just found out that she is pregnant, and has elected to have an abortion. This just absolutely breaks my heart. As liberal as I am, I do not believe in abortion. I don't support banning it either. Politically, that is all I will say.
This is personal to me, and my heart, but do I have the right to say what choices other women should make? No, probably not. That doesn't meant that I don't wish that they would make different ones.
This is technically my third pregnancy. The first one was as the result of a sexual assault. While a lot of people would have totally understood if I decided not to keep it, that was never an option for me. Unfortunately, at a little past 3 months, I miscarried. I was devastated. Years later, it still hurts. The next one, was mercifully lost early rather than later, at about 6-7 weeks, but again, I mourn for that child as well.
Even though they were not even close to term, to me, they were already mine.
There are those who make the distinction between an "embryo" and a "fetus".
I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but for me, there is no such line.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time, it was my baby, my child.
I cannot fathom letting any one of them go willfully. Everyday that my that my son grows, the more I am reminded of what I lost, what could have been, and how awe-inspiring this whole process is....
{It was at this point that I had to stop writing last night, because I just LOST IT}
Today:
She's scheduled to have the abortion today. My heart is just sick. I'm not judging her, I just feel so sorry for her. Disappointed that she feels like this is her only or best option.
It's terrifying, being pregnant and alone. There is the instinct to want to make it all go away, but it doesn't. Having never had an abortion, I can't really say that with any absolute authority, but every woman I know that has had one (and sadly, I've known several)has regretted it, and spent the rest of their lives being haunted by it.
I still carry a lot of guilt for the miscarriages, so I can't imagine what it's like to be on that other side.
I hope she changes her mind. Perhaps that is selfishness on my part, but I just can't help but think of all of the people in my life who a desperately trying to have children, and how many more families out there who are trying to adopt, and it just seems so needless.
But life is never simple is it?
She will do what she feels is the right thing, and it's not my call.
And I better just end it here. I'm getting all weepy again.
I try to keep these posts as cohesive as possible, so that I don't ramble like a lunatic, but there's a ton of thoughts and emotions swimming around in the ol' noodle today, So we'll see what happens...
Maybe I'll break this up into two posts. I'm not sure if I can tie everything together.
Anyway-
Life is so freaking unpredictable, fragile, unknown, what-have-you.
I sit here 7 months pregnant, so in love with my son it HURTS.
8 months ago, I was seriously trying to wrap my head around not having children entirely.
Craziness.
A girl I know (I guess I shouldn't say girl, she is only 4 or 5 years younger than me), just found out that she is pregnant, and has elected to have an abortion. This just absolutely breaks my heart. As liberal as I am, I do not believe in abortion. I don't support banning it either. Politically, that is all I will say.
This is personal to me, and my heart, but do I have the right to say what choices other women should make? No, probably not. That doesn't meant that I don't wish that they would make different ones.
This is technically my third pregnancy. The first one was as the result of a sexual assault. While a lot of people would have totally understood if I decided not to keep it, that was never an option for me. Unfortunately, at a little past 3 months, I miscarried. I was devastated. Years later, it still hurts. The next one, was mercifully lost early rather than later, at about 6-7 weeks, but again, I mourn for that child as well.
Even though they were not even close to term, to me, they were already mine.
There are those who make the distinction between an "embryo" and a "fetus".
I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but for me, there is no such line.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time, it was my baby, my child.
I cannot fathom letting any one of them go willfully. Everyday that my that my son grows, the more I am reminded of what I lost, what could have been, and how awe-inspiring this whole process is....
{It was at this point that I had to stop writing last night, because I just LOST IT}
Today:
She's scheduled to have the abortion today. My heart is just sick. I'm not judging her, I just feel so sorry for her. Disappointed that she feels like this is her only or best option.
It's terrifying, being pregnant and alone. There is the instinct to want to make it all go away, but it doesn't. Having never had an abortion, I can't really say that with any absolute authority, but every woman I know that has had one (and sadly, I've known several)has regretted it, and spent the rest of their lives being haunted by it.
I still carry a lot of guilt for the miscarriages, so I can't imagine what it's like to be on that other side.
I hope she changes her mind. Perhaps that is selfishness on my part, but I just can't help but think of all of the people in my life who a desperately trying to have children, and how many more families out there who are trying to adopt, and it just seems so needless.
But life is never simple is it?
She will do what she feels is the right thing, and it's not my call.
And I better just end it here. I'm getting all weepy again.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Rundown...because a detailed, fluid post would require several hours of your reading time.
The Pregnancy so far: At 17 weeks
As you all know, I have had gnarly morning sickness and that has FINALLY gone away.
(unfortunately, the crushing sense of tired has not)
Now, I find myself insanely hungry every 2-3 hours. I'm guessing that 15 lbs I lost are going to come back with a vengeance. YIKES. I'm still finding it hard to eat that often though, because it just seems like so much!
In addition to VomitORama 09, I've also had 4 back-to-back bladder infections that started to become a kidney infection, and landed me in the ER for 2 days, but with a treatment of injection antibiotics the infection is gone....supposedly.
I'm still having pain and discomfort, but it can't exactly be classified as "cramping" and there's no bleeding, so the suggestion (via the ER docs) is that I go see a urologist, but I'm going to have to jump through hoops of fire to get that done, due to my crap (but much appreciated) insurance.
If that weren't special enough-
I've started getting stretch marks on my belly. This makes me very, VERY sad. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I have been diligent in exfoliating and oiling up my boobs and belly in an attempt to avoid looking like a road map when this is all over, but Rand McNally, here I come! My husband promises to still love me. Hopefully.
My back and joints have been KILLING me, at times making it difficult to walk. This had me really worried until I realized that hey, I have Cerebral Palsy, and this is probably normal! After researching the topic, that idea was confirmed.
Nothing to be alarmed about, just careful of. This means I that I will probably have to purchase a cane sooner than I ever wanted to, and is kinda a blow to my ego, but I know I have to suck it up. I'm working on it.
Along those lines, I had my first falls while pregnant this weekend. I'm not hurt, and I didn't fall on my belly, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't scare the shit out of me. But again, after talking to people and doing some research, it is apparently common to occasionally fall on your ass during this whole process.
I also fainted at Disneyland. I'm fine, but I thought my poor hubby's heart was going to pop. They think it was due to dehydration.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and yes, I plan on discussing all of the above things with him. I'd also really like for him to do an ultrasound just for safe measure, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. I am however, demanding an internal exam.
Everyone keeps asking about the gender: we don't know yet, and it's killing us. The ER did one when I was in there (for the bladder brouhaha) on the 28th of May, to make sure that the baby was okay, and the doctor doing it told us that we should be able to tell now, but our puritanical progeny would not move it's knees and show us the goods. I was sooo disappointed. As for our scheduled gender u/s, the doctor wants to wait until the end of the month. This bums me out EVEN FURTHER, because I really wanted to know in time for Father's Day. Dammit!
As for my last post, we'll still FREAKING out about our current financial situation, but after mulling it over 8 ways to Sunday, we realized that we're doing all that we can possibly do right now, and eating ourselves up about it is just causing fruitless misery, so we're just taking it day-by-day, and still fervently hoping for a miracle.
Speaking of money though, we are desperately trying to find a way to get/save up for a new bed. We have decided that we want to co-sleep with the baby after lots of reading and research, and as such, need to upgrade to a King-sized mattress. One that is quality, but doesn't cost us our souls. Based on the prices we've seen so far, this could be one epic quest. Keep your fingers crossed for us, and eyes peeled!
What else?
I'm starting to feel human again, and am moving into total-nesting mode. I keep trying to think of what to clean and organize so that I can feel productive and prepared, but according to several of my friends, I really just need to sit my ass down....Hmmmm. I know that THAT is EXACTLY what I would tell (and have told) any pregnant friend of mine, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept.
Well, that about wraps it up! I think. But as pregnancy has liquefied my brain and is slowly stealing my intellect, I've probably forgotten a million things I wanted to say.
I'll probably post tomorrow after I get back from the doctor. I hope it goes well. I ALWAYS panic a little before every appointment....
As you all know, I have had gnarly morning sickness and that has FINALLY gone away.
(unfortunately, the crushing sense of tired has not)
Now, I find myself insanely hungry every 2-3 hours. I'm guessing that 15 lbs I lost are going to come back with a vengeance. YIKES. I'm still finding it hard to eat that often though, because it just seems like so much!
In addition to VomitORama 09, I've also had 4 back-to-back bladder infections that started to become a kidney infection, and landed me in the ER for 2 days, but with a treatment of injection antibiotics the infection is gone....supposedly.
I'm still having pain and discomfort, but it can't exactly be classified as "cramping" and there's no bleeding, so the suggestion (via the ER docs) is that I go see a urologist, but I'm going to have to jump through hoops of fire to get that done, due to my crap (but much appreciated) insurance.
If that weren't special enough-
I've started getting stretch marks on my belly. This makes me very, VERY sad. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I have been diligent in exfoliating and oiling up my boobs and belly in an attempt to avoid looking like a road map when this is all over, but Rand McNally, here I come! My husband promises to still love me. Hopefully.
My back and joints have been KILLING me, at times making it difficult to walk. This had me really worried until I realized that hey, I have Cerebral Palsy, and this is probably normal! After researching the topic, that idea was confirmed.
Nothing to be alarmed about, just careful of. This means I that I will probably have to purchase a cane sooner than I ever wanted to, and is kinda a blow to my ego, but I know I have to suck it up. I'm working on it.
Along those lines, I had my first falls while pregnant this weekend. I'm not hurt, and I didn't fall on my belly, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't scare the shit out of me. But again, after talking to people and doing some research, it is apparently common to occasionally fall on your ass during this whole process.
I also fainted at Disneyland. I'm fine, but I thought my poor hubby's heart was going to pop. They think it was due to dehydration.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and yes, I plan on discussing all of the above things with him. I'd also really like for him to do an ultrasound just for safe measure, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. I am however, demanding an internal exam.
Everyone keeps asking about the gender: we don't know yet, and it's killing us. The ER did one when I was in there (for the bladder brouhaha) on the 28th of May, to make sure that the baby was okay, and the doctor doing it told us that we should be able to tell now, but our puritanical progeny would not move it's knees and show us the goods. I was sooo disappointed. As for our scheduled gender u/s, the doctor wants to wait until the end of the month. This bums me out EVEN FURTHER, because I really wanted to know in time for Father's Day. Dammit!
As for my last post, we'll still FREAKING out about our current financial situation, but after mulling it over 8 ways to Sunday, we realized that we're doing all that we can possibly do right now, and eating ourselves up about it is just causing fruitless misery, so we're just taking it day-by-day, and still fervently hoping for a miracle.
Speaking of money though, we are desperately trying to find a way to get/save up for a new bed. We have decided that we want to co-sleep with the baby after lots of reading and research, and as such, need to upgrade to a King-sized mattress. One that is quality, but doesn't cost us our souls. Based on the prices we've seen so far, this could be one epic quest. Keep your fingers crossed for us, and eyes peeled!
What else?
I'm starting to feel human again, and am moving into total-nesting mode. I keep trying to think of what to clean and organize so that I can feel productive and prepared, but according to several of my friends, I really just need to sit my ass down....Hmmmm. I know that THAT is EXACTLY what I would tell (and have told) any pregnant friend of mine, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept.
Well, that about wraps it up! I think. But as pregnancy has liquefied my brain and is slowly stealing my intellect, I've probably forgotten a million things I wanted to say.
I'll probably post tomorrow after I get back from the doctor. I hope it goes well. I ALWAYS panic a little before every appointment....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Daddy? Who? Ohhh, yeah.....
I love my husband. He really is the best husband I could ask for.
Sure, he's kinda (okay, IS) a slob-- clothes will make it to the front of instead of IN the hamper, and I think his relationship with his Xbox sometimes borders on cheating, but even so...he is amazing.
Because while there are things that make me want to strangle my husband from time to time, when I really evaluate them all, those things don't really matter.
Why the sudden gush of sentiment?
I was thinking about this blog, and all of the things that I think about in reference to the pregnancy, etc., and it dawned on me that I had not talked about a crucial part of this whole process:
The father.
What's he doing during all of this? Is he excited too? Is he concerned with being a good parent? How does he feel about me as his wife, now that I'm pregnant?
It's the answers to the questions that make me so incredibly grateful that we've been able to make it through various trials to being married and expecting a child.
He's so excited to be a father. He's also scared to death, because he just wants so badly to be a good one. He can't wait for it all to begin.
In the meantime, he's in awe of this whole process.
We received an expectant father's book as a gift, but he's way more interested in all the books I'm reading, because the changes my body is going through both fascinates and worries him.
He comes home from work, and this is what (almost on a daily basis) I hear:
"Hi, honey! I missed you...how was your day? Did you eat? Have you had any weird pains? Do your boobs hurt? Can you feel the baby move yet? Do you feel good? Are you sure? Do you need a nap?"
It cracks me up.
He worries like a mother hen.
He is perfectly confident in my ability to be a mother, but he is so freaked out that the pregnancy is going to kill me or something. Seriously.
He told me, that THAT is what he thinks about at night. My dying in childbirth, and how if that happened, he would fall apart.
If it weren't so sad, I'd laugh, because it's just so over-the-top, but he's genuinely afraid.
He's always worried about me like that. Even before we got pregnant.
A cold is the plague...
A headache? Obviously, a brain tumor.
Random Bruise? Bone Cancer.
He's a bit ridiculous, to say the least, but I've come to realize that he just wants to make sure that he has done everything to take care of me.
He's been SUCH a peach during the pregnancy so far.
He holds my hair back while I puke....and tells me I'm beautiful.
11:45pm and I want a sandwich? He's alllllll over it. Even though it's probably not going to stick...
He doesn't begrudge me for taking up the ENTIRE bed because of weird positions I've taken to sleeping in whilst he clings the edge.
He doesn't make me feel bad for not getting anything done, he applauds it. Haha.
His main goal is to make sure that I am happy, comfortable, and loved.
I know he'll feel that same love and devotion for our child.
What more can you ask for in a husband and father than that?
The laundry to be put away, would be nice....
but I'm not greedy. :)
Sure, he's kinda (okay, IS) a slob-- clothes will make it to the front of instead of IN the hamper, and I think his relationship with his Xbox sometimes borders on cheating, but even so...he is amazing.
Because while there are things that make me want to strangle my husband from time to time, when I really evaluate them all, those things don't really matter.
Why the sudden gush of sentiment?
I was thinking about this blog, and all of the things that I think about in reference to the pregnancy, etc., and it dawned on me that I had not talked about a crucial part of this whole process:
The father.
What's he doing during all of this? Is he excited too? Is he concerned with being a good parent? How does he feel about me as his wife, now that I'm pregnant?
It's the answers to the questions that make me so incredibly grateful that we've been able to make it through various trials to being married and expecting a child.
He's so excited to be a father. He's also scared to death, because he just wants so badly to be a good one. He can't wait for it all to begin.
In the meantime, he's in awe of this whole process.
We received an expectant father's book as a gift, but he's way more interested in all the books I'm reading, because the changes my body is going through both fascinates and worries him.
He comes home from work, and this is what (almost on a daily basis) I hear:
"Hi, honey! I missed you...how was your day? Did you eat? Have you had any weird pains? Do your boobs hurt? Can you feel the baby move yet? Do you feel good? Are you sure? Do you need a nap?"
It cracks me up.
He worries like a mother hen.
He is perfectly confident in my ability to be a mother, but he is so freaked out that the pregnancy is going to kill me or something. Seriously.
He told me, that THAT is what he thinks about at night. My dying in childbirth, and how if that happened, he would fall apart.
If it weren't so sad, I'd laugh, because it's just so over-the-top, but he's genuinely afraid.
He's always worried about me like that. Even before we got pregnant.
A cold is the plague...
A headache? Obviously, a brain tumor.
Random Bruise? Bone Cancer.
He's a bit ridiculous, to say the least, but I've come to realize that he just wants to make sure that he has done everything to take care of me.
He's been SUCH a peach during the pregnancy so far.
He holds my hair back while I puke....and tells me I'm beautiful.
11:45pm and I want a sandwich? He's alllllll over it. Even though it's probably not going to stick...
He doesn't begrudge me for taking up the ENTIRE bed because of weird positions I've taken to sleeping in whilst he clings the edge.
He doesn't make me feel bad for not getting anything done, he applauds it. Haha.
His main goal is to make sure that I am happy, comfortable, and loved.
I know he'll feel that same love and devotion for our child.
What more can you ask for in a husband and father than that?
The laundry to be put away, would be nice....
but I'm not greedy. :)
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Paranoia, Party of 1? Paranoia, Party of 1, your table is ready....
I am a plan for the worst-and-hope-it-won't-be-that-awful kind of a person. Some might say that because of that, I am a pessimist...
Maybe I am, but I prefer to think I'm more of a realistic optimist.
I want and hope that the best will come out of a situation, but know that if you don't plan for the alternative, you might end up on your ass.
Pregnancy has put this tendency of mine into overdrive. In the bad way...
This is me at night, lying in bed:
What if that half a margarita I had the night before I found out I was pregnant gave our baby fetal alcohol syndrome?
What if my inability to keep food down leads to malnutrition and causes our baby to have developmental delays?
What if my mom is right, and we DO have twins? And they're conjoined?
What if...and it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.
Under normal circumstances, I am a pretty logical, level-headed person.
Now, I am just a crazy person who is developing a fear that our baby will be born with 4 legs or something.
I just, like every other mother on the planet, want my child to have the ability to do/be anything and everything it wants.
I don't want them to miss out on anything.
As a child with a disability, I missed out on a lot of very basic things:
I couldn't run or participate in PE
I couldn't ride a bike or rollerskate
I couldn't take dance or sports, and I was kept inside a lot.
You add braces and a walker to the mix, and it just doesn't bode well for childhood activities....
Then as a teenager, things normalized quite a bit for me physically, after surgery, PT, and Rehab, but there were little things to be missed, like high heels and most shoes, to big things, like driving...
I'm so afraid of my child having to miss out on things like that as well. Granted Cerebral Palsy is not hereditary, so I'm not fearful that my child will get it, but will rates of things like Autism and Down's syndrome climbing, I worry a lot.
That being said, it wouldn't change how we feel about the pregnancy, or how feel about our child. We have already declined to do an amniocentesis, because the results wouldn't change our minds about having the baby, even if there was something scary.
So why obsess in the middle of the night?
I just can't help myself....
I blame it on the hormones. I'm allowed to do that now, right?
Maybe I am, but I prefer to think I'm more of a realistic optimist.
I want and hope that the best will come out of a situation, but know that if you don't plan for the alternative, you might end up on your ass.
Pregnancy has put this tendency of mine into overdrive. In the bad way...
This is me at night, lying in bed:
What if that half a margarita I had the night before I found out I was pregnant gave our baby fetal alcohol syndrome?
What if my inability to keep food down leads to malnutrition and causes our baby to have developmental delays?
What if my mom is right, and we DO have twins? And they're conjoined?
What if...and it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.
Under normal circumstances, I am a pretty logical, level-headed person.
Now, I am just a crazy person who is developing a fear that our baby will be born with 4 legs or something.
I just, like every other mother on the planet, want my child to have the ability to do/be anything and everything it wants.
I don't want them to miss out on anything.
As a child with a disability, I missed out on a lot of very basic things:
I couldn't run or participate in PE
I couldn't ride a bike or rollerskate
I couldn't take dance or sports, and I was kept inside a lot.
You add braces and a walker to the mix, and it just doesn't bode well for childhood activities....
Then as a teenager, things normalized quite a bit for me physically, after surgery, PT, and Rehab, but there were little things to be missed, like high heels and most shoes, to big things, like driving...
I'm so afraid of my child having to miss out on things like that as well. Granted Cerebral Palsy is not hereditary, so I'm not fearful that my child will get it, but will rates of things like Autism and Down's syndrome climbing, I worry a lot.
That being said, it wouldn't change how we feel about the pregnancy, or how feel about our child. We have already declined to do an amniocentesis, because the results wouldn't change our minds about having the baby, even if there was something scary.
So why obsess in the middle of the night?
I just can't help myself....
I blame it on the hormones. I'm allowed to do that now, right?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Eating is Experimental these days...
Food and I are not friends these days. We're not even acquaintances.
NOTHING stays down.
Have you ever been extremely hungry AND nauseous at this same time? It's a special brand of suck.
I just keep telling myself that it will pass, and that I'm actually happy to have vomitorama, because it's an indication of normal pregnancy....yes, that's it....
C'MON week 13!
NOTHING stays down.
Have you ever been extremely hungry AND nauseous at this same time? It's a special brand of suck.
I just keep telling myself that it will pass, and that I'm actually happy to have vomitorama, because it's an indication of normal pregnancy....yes, that's it....
C'MON week 13!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Crisis Averted!
I haven't updated this thing in really, almost three weeks, and it has been a LOOOOONG 3 weeks, let me tell you!
It all started when my OBGYN told me I had to go to a specialist--to have an early ultrasound b/c my doctor wanted to make sure that we were dating the pregnancy correctly (he was assuming 6-7 weeks)...
My appointment was on the 1th of March, so off to specialist we went!
The ultrasound did not go well...
While doing the US, the doctor abruptly pulls out the "probe" (I don't know what the technical term is) and tell me that she could not see a fetus present, and that at 6 weeks (which is what my sac was measuring), she should be able to see something, meaning there's a good chance that the pregnancy isn't "viable" (I hate that term). She tells me to go back to my OBGYN. That he'll discuss it further with me.
Walks out.
So there I am with my husband, sobbing b/c I have NO IDEA what's going on, and I go back to my OBGYN and I'm told that I need to have my blood tested 3 times over the week to see if my hormone levels are rising.
I'm told if they are, then they'll do another US, if not, then they'll schedule me for a DNC...
and that's ALL they'll tell me.
I'm pretty much hysterical at this point. Already having had miscarriages, I was already desperately afraid that something bad was going to happen. This was like my worst nightmare coming true.
Over the next week, I go through all of the blood tests, and I finally find out at like 5pm on that Friday that my hormone levels are going up!
Time for another ultrasound.
Did I mention I'm a basket case? Yeah, pretty much.
FINALLY my follow-up US appointment comes on the 1st of April (Hey, what better day to get life-changing news then on April Fool's day, right?), and I'm reallllllly nervous, but I'm trying to stay positive...
I had decided that I was not comfortable seeing that specialist again, so this time around they sent me to a radiology facility to have my US.
My mother-in-law and I get there, and I'm SO trying to hold it together.
This woman comes into the room and right away she says that she will NOT be able to give me the results of the screening b/c she is not a doctor, but just an ultrasound technician.
Before she even finishes her sentence, I burst into tears. The thought of waiting even an HOUR more to know whether or not I'm going to be a mother just sounded like sheer torture!
I kind of choke out what happened the first time and she apologizes profusely, and tries to reassure me, but there's nothing she can do, so we start the ultrasound...I'm still crying, but trying not to, and failing.
All of the sudden, she turns the screen around to us, and says:
"there's the heartbeat, it's strong. That's all I'm going to tell you..."
OH MY GOD! That woman became my total BFF in that moment.
But my real BFF right then was my mother-in-law.
Apparently, while I was in the bathroom changing for the exam, my MIL told the tech what had happened, my history, how upset I was, etc., which is why she must've taken pity on us, showing us the heartbeat.
Love my MIL!
The moral of this story is that the doctor says that everything looks normal, the baby's heartbeat is healthy, and that I am officially at 9 weeks!
They think the specialist missed it because I was slightly less far along than she thought...which is what I suggested to her in the first place, but let's not get into that....
We are so relieved and excited! I can't even fully express it!
Unfortunately (sort of), during this whole waiting game, morning, afternoon and night sickness has reared in vomit-y head, and food has become the enemy.
I have tried to lose weight 80 million ways to Sunday.
I have been on every diet/exercise plan known to man.
What did I need to do?
I just needed to get pregnant. Irony?
Perhaps.
Pregnancy should become the new fad diet. I've lost ten lbs in a month.
To top it all off, I have a nasty cold.
Ah, pregnancy bliss!
Yay!
It all started when my OBGYN told me I had to go to a specialist--to have an early ultrasound b/c my doctor wanted to make sure that we were dating the pregnancy correctly (he was assuming 6-7 weeks)...
My appointment was on the 1th of March, so off to specialist we went!
The ultrasound did not go well...
While doing the US, the doctor abruptly pulls out the "probe" (I don't know what the technical term is) and tell me that she could not see a fetus present, and that at 6 weeks (which is what my sac was measuring), she should be able to see something, meaning there's a good chance that the pregnancy isn't "viable" (I hate that term). She tells me to go back to my OBGYN. That he'll discuss it further with me.
Walks out.
So there I am with my husband, sobbing b/c I have NO IDEA what's going on, and I go back to my OBGYN and I'm told that I need to have my blood tested 3 times over the week to see if my hormone levels are rising.
I'm told if they are, then they'll do another US, if not, then they'll schedule me for a DNC...
and that's ALL they'll tell me.
I'm pretty much hysterical at this point. Already having had miscarriages, I was already desperately afraid that something bad was going to happen. This was like my worst nightmare coming true.
Over the next week, I go through all of the blood tests, and I finally find out at like 5pm on that Friday that my hormone levels are going up!
Time for another ultrasound.
Did I mention I'm a basket case? Yeah, pretty much.
FINALLY my follow-up US appointment comes on the 1st of April (Hey, what better day to get life-changing news then on April Fool's day, right?), and I'm reallllllly nervous, but I'm trying to stay positive...
I had decided that I was not comfortable seeing that specialist again, so this time around they sent me to a radiology facility to have my US.
My mother-in-law and I get there, and I'm SO trying to hold it together.
This woman comes into the room and right away she says that she will NOT be able to give me the results of the screening b/c she is not a doctor, but just an ultrasound technician.
Before she even finishes her sentence, I burst into tears. The thought of waiting even an HOUR more to know whether or not I'm going to be a mother just sounded like sheer torture!
I kind of choke out what happened the first time and she apologizes profusely, and tries to reassure me, but there's nothing she can do, so we start the ultrasound...I'm still crying, but trying not to, and failing.
All of the sudden, she turns the screen around to us, and says:
"there's the heartbeat, it's strong. That's all I'm going to tell you..."
OH MY GOD! That woman became my total BFF in that moment.
But my real BFF right then was my mother-in-law.
Apparently, while I was in the bathroom changing for the exam, my MIL told the tech what had happened, my history, how upset I was, etc., which is why she must've taken pity on us, showing us the heartbeat.
Love my MIL!
The moral of this story is that the doctor says that everything looks normal, the baby's heartbeat is healthy, and that I am officially at 9 weeks!
They think the specialist missed it because I was slightly less far along than she thought...which is what I suggested to her in the first place, but let's not get into that....
We are so relieved and excited! I can't even fully express it!
Unfortunately (sort of), during this whole waiting game, morning, afternoon and night sickness has reared in vomit-y head, and food has become the enemy.
I have tried to lose weight 80 million ways to Sunday.
I have been on every diet/exercise plan known to man.
What did I need to do?
I just needed to get pregnant. Irony?
Perhaps.
Pregnancy should become the new fad diet. I've lost ten lbs in a month.
To top it all off, I have a nasty cold.
Ah, pregnancy bliss!
Yay!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
To Be Continued...
There's a lot going on right now,and I don't really want to get into any of it until we know the final outcome of everything.
In the meantime, I just ask that you all send me crossed fingers, good thoughts and good karma. Right now, I'll take all the luck/prayer/what-have-you I can get.
Hopefully, it will all be good news, and a huge update will be coming your way!
PS.
Morning sickness is turning into any time-I'm-not-sleeping-sickness. SWEET.
In the meantime, I just ask that you all send me crossed fingers, good thoughts and good karma. Right now, I'll take all the luck/prayer/what-have-you I can get.
Hopefully, it will all be good news, and a huge update will be coming your way!
PS.
Morning sickness is turning into any time-I'm-not-sleeping-sickness. SWEET.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
What's up, Doc?
I love my OBGYN.
He immediately made me feel at ease, he answered all my bajillion questions, and even though there may be some challenges ahead, he didn't get all DOOM-and-GLOOM on me about it, which was so refreshing, I could've kissed him....but I didn't. That would have made things awkward...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Annnd, he said I should be able to travel this summer which means that we'll be able to go see my brother and sister-in-law over 4th of July weekend. We're so stoked for that, as we'll (well at least I'll) miss their wedding in October. :(
In summation, my OB is currently my new buddy.
I hope this burgeoning relationship keeps trending toward the positive!
As for the details of my visit, he said that everything looks good, but he wants me to see a specialist just to talk about and get informed on how my CP may interact with the progression of the pregnancy.
I am also scheduled for an ultrasound to make sure that we have my due date correct and to double-check that development is on the right track.
Last but not least, he wants us to talk to a genetic counselor. There is a history of Huntington's Disease in my husband's family, so the doctor wants us to speak to someone about possible outcomes, testing, etc.
It's a lot to absorb, and we have a lot to think about. It's definitely a tricky situation, at best.
Anyway, I should be getting the results of my pap and blood work today, and I have a consult with the genetic counselor AND I have my ultrasound.
I am STRESSED OUT.
As per the usual, I just want everything to be okay.
Cross your fingers for me, kids!
He immediately made me feel at ease, he answered all my bajillion questions, and even though there may be some challenges ahead, he didn't get all DOOM-and-GLOOM on me about it, which was so refreshing, I could've kissed him....but I didn't. That would have made things awkward...
Oh! Oh! Oh! Annnd, he said I should be able to travel this summer which means that we'll be able to go see my brother and sister-in-law over 4th of July weekend. We're so stoked for that, as we'll (well at least I'll) miss their wedding in October. :(
In summation, my OB is currently my new buddy.
I hope this burgeoning relationship keeps trending toward the positive!
As for the details of my visit, he said that everything looks good, but he wants me to see a specialist just to talk about and get informed on how my CP may interact with the progression of the pregnancy.
I am also scheduled for an ultrasound to make sure that we have my due date correct and to double-check that development is on the right track.
Last but not least, he wants us to talk to a genetic counselor. There is a history of Huntington's Disease in my husband's family, so the doctor wants us to speak to someone about possible outcomes, testing, etc.
It's a lot to absorb, and we have a lot to think about. It's definitely a tricky situation, at best.
Anyway, I should be getting the results of my pap and blood work today, and I have a consult with the genetic counselor AND I have my ultrasound.
I am STRESSED OUT.
As per the usual, I just want everything to be okay.
Cross your fingers for me, kids!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Houston, we have APPROVAL!
I received my approval notice for Medi-Cal in the mail!
Hallelujah! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was terrified that we would be denied.
We were only approved for prenatal and pregnancy-related services, but that is more than enough for me. While I would love to have health care for myself, my main concern was/is making sure the baby is covered, so HUGE sigh of relief there!
Now, if Friday would just hurry up and get here, I may be able to allow myself to relax a little bit.
I'm supposedly right at 6 weeks, and my due date is 11-7-09, but I will remain skeptical (read: worried-out-of-my-mind) until everything is confirmed by a doctor, and it is decreed that all systems are GO.
On a more fun note, I started filling out a pregnancy journal last night.
They want me to chart down my waist size and weight each week. This is supposed to be a "fun" part of pregnancy....
According to who, exactly?
Those numbers do not need to be recorded for posterity. They'll stay in my medical chart where they belong!
Hallelujah! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was terrified that we would be denied.
We were only approved for prenatal and pregnancy-related services, but that is more than enough for me. While I would love to have health care for myself, my main concern was/is making sure the baby is covered, so HUGE sigh of relief there!
Now, if Friday would just hurry up and get here, I may be able to allow myself to relax a little bit.
I'm supposedly right at 6 weeks, and my due date is 11-7-09, but I will remain skeptical (read: worried-out-of-my-mind) until everything is confirmed by a doctor, and it is decreed that all systems are GO.
On a more fun note, I started filling out a pregnancy journal last night.
They want me to chart down my waist size and weight each week. This is supposed to be a "fun" part of pregnancy....
According to who, exactly?
Those numbers do not need to be recorded for posterity. They'll stay in my medical chart where they belong!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The "Waiting Game" is not one of my favorites...
Now that the Medi-Cal process is fully underway, and I have my first prenatal appointment set up for this Friday, I feel as though I'm just sitting on my hands...
I HATE that. I'm not good with waiting, as I am verrrrrrrrry impatient. My appointment just can not come fast enough. I'm dying to know just how far along I am (the initial assessment being 5-6 weeks), to make sure my pap is clean, and to know that everything looks healthy and on track with the baby.
I'm terrified that something will be wrong. My mom was diagnosed with Cervical, Ovarian, and Uterine cancer when she was 34. Since it was probably there for much longer than when she suspected, as opposed to when she FINALLY went to see a doctor, she had to have full hysterectomy. Thankfully, she'd already had 3 children.
Since she and I shared common menstruation issues/maladies, I've been holding my breath for my turn to get cancer as well....at every annual pap, I cross my fingers.
Now that I'm having a baby, every worst-case-scenario runs circles around my brain.
Add the cancer worry to the fact that I've already suffered a miscarriage in 2003 AND the complications that could, and probably will, arise from my Cerebral Palsy...it's enough to make my head explode with paranoia.
I'm trying my best not to "what-if" myself to death.
I know that it's pretty useless to worry about things that may not even be there, but I can't help myself!
I'm just so excited about this baby! It feels like a miracle.
My husband and I had already started having the "so-we're-not-going-to-be-able-to have-babies" convo this January...
With our financial situation the way it is, and the economy seemingly getting worse everyday, we knew that it would be at least several years before we were stable enough to even entertain the thought of a baby, which was not really going work in our favor.
While most would consider 2.5 weeks shy of 28 still very young, for me, it's not...in terms of childbirth, that is.
Because of my Cerebral Palsy, I was told that pregnancy and labor would be very difficult for me, and the younger that I could have children the better. The same can be said for Chronic fatigue, which I also have, and then we've got the high risk of cancer, so again, we're back to the adage of "younger is better."
All of those things and knowing that for anyone, risks increase with age (staring at minimally 30, and increasing from there, in even healthy women), I did not want to start having children past the age of 32. Even that, for me, was pushing it. I was just not willing to put myself or the baby at risk, rare or otherwise.
This is not to say that I judge women who DO choose to have children later. This was personal choice for me, given my health issues and family history.
So, yes, we'd pretty much given up. We wanted to do the "right" thing, the responsible thing.
Too late for that now!
Money be damned, we're having a baby!
I hope.
I realllly REEALLLY hope.
Because despite my best efforts, I'm already in love.
I HATE that. I'm not good with waiting, as I am verrrrrrrrry impatient. My appointment just can not come fast enough. I'm dying to know just how far along I am (the initial assessment being 5-6 weeks), to make sure my pap is clean, and to know that everything looks healthy and on track with the baby.
I'm terrified that something will be wrong. My mom was diagnosed with Cervical, Ovarian, and Uterine cancer when she was 34. Since it was probably there for much longer than when she suspected, as opposed to when she FINALLY went to see a doctor, she had to have full hysterectomy. Thankfully, she'd already had 3 children.
Since she and I shared common menstruation issues/maladies, I've been holding my breath for my turn to get cancer as well....at every annual pap, I cross my fingers.
Now that I'm having a baby, every worst-case-scenario runs circles around my brain.
Add the cancer worry to the fact that I've already suffered a miscarriage in 2003 AND the complications that could, and probably will, arise from my Cerebral Palsy...it's enough to make my head explode with paranoia.
I'm trying my best not to "what-if" myself to death.
I know that it's pretty useless to worry about things that may not even be there, but I can't help myself!
I'm just so excited about this baby! It feels like a miracle.
My husband and I had already started having the "so-we're-not-going-to-be-able-to have-babies" convo this January...
With our financial situation the way it is, and the economy seemingly getting worse everyday, we knew that it would be at least several years before we were stable enough to even entertain the thought of a baby, which was not really going work in our favor.
While most would consider 2.5 weeks shy of 28 still very young, for me, it's not...in terms of childbirth, that is.
Because of my Cerebral Palsy, I was told that pregnancy and labor would be very difficult for me, and the younger that I could have children the better. The same can be said for Chronic fatigue, which I also have, and then we've got the high risk of cancer, so again, we're back to the adage of "younger is better."
All of those things and knowing that for anyone, risks increase with age (staring at minimally 30, and increasing from there, in even healthy women), I did not want to start having children past the age of 32. Even that, for me, was pushing it. I was just not willing to put myself or the baby at risk, rare or otherwise.
This is not to say that I judge women who DO choose to have children later. This was personal choice for me, given my health issues and family history.
So, yes, we'd pretty much given up. We wanted to do the "right" thing, the responsible thing.
Too late for that now!
Money be damned, we're having a baby!
I hope.
I realllly REEALLLY hope.
Because despite my best efforts, I'm already in love.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Great, I'm going to be a Mommy, but I'm still uninsured. Not so peachy.
As I mentioned in my first post, this crumbling economy has not been kind to us. Much like almost everyone else, I'm sure.
This past year has left us pretty broke, both financially and emotionally.
We went from being an engaged couple with a great two-bedroom apartment, two good jobs with potential, and a cute little dog, to a married couple living with our in-laws (who, don't get me wrong, are GREAT, but it's still not the same), one shaky job that we hope lasts, AND we had to give up our dog.
All of this (and more), is why I wasn't immediately over-the-moon about the pregnancy.
Of course, I want this baby; to be a wife and mother is all I have really ever wanted (and somewhere, a feminist cries...), but all I could think about is: How the hell are we going to do this?
Well, in times of crisis, all I know how to do is to go into planning/organizing/fixing mode.
So what's first? How to get insurance for myself and the baby.
My husband has insurance through his job, but it would cost us like $500 a month to add me and we just couldn't afford that.
I used to have insurance through my job, but was laid off. I've since desperately tried to procure private insurance for myself, but no one would take me b/c of my pre-existing conditions, baby notwithstanding.
So after doing some research, and talking to a good friend who'd been in a similar situation, it seemed like my only option was to head down to the local Social Services office to apply for Medi-Cal.
Medi-Cal (as defined by the CA Healthcare Foundation) "is California's Medicaid program. It provides health care coverage for more than six million low-income children and families as well as elderly, blind, or disabled individuals. Medi-Cal is jointly funded by the state and federal government, and administered by the California Department of Health Care Services. People enroll in Medi-Cal through their county social services department."
Now, I know a lot of folks get into an uproar about things such as Medi-Cal, talking about people living off the system, angry b/c they don't want to support other people's families, etc., and I understand that, but I don't want to hear any of those gripes here. I've been working my ass off since I was 14, supporting myself since I was 17, and paying taxes ever since. I've been paying into this system, and now, I need help. If I can get it, You bet your buttons, I'm going to take it.
Off the the Medi-Cal office I went!
If you are in a similar situation (Pregnant and Uninsured), here's what you need to do:
Go to the website and find your local Social Service office
Get there ASAP
The site will tell you that you can download and mail in your app, but it is safer and more effective to go in. You don't need to fill out the application b/c a worker will do that for you when you are seen.
http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/medi-cal/Pages/default.aspx
When going to apply for Medi-Cal, two things to know are:
1. be prepared!
2. be prepared to wait, and then wait some more
The Medi-Cal application will require a lot of info of you and if you have one, your spouse:
ID/DL
Proof of CA residency
Proof of Pregnancy (can be obtained from a free clinic)
Birth Certificate or papers
Marriage License
SS Card
Bank statements for all accounts
Pay stubs
Vehicle Registration
Proof of Vehicle Insurance
There are even more documents if either of you own property, stocks, etc., or if either of you pay child support or alimony.
If you receive any other types of state or government assistance, you need to bring documentation of that as well.
None of that applied to me, so I just needed to bring what was on the aforementioned list, and wait to have an interview and then be assigned a worker.
Be warned:
Even with all of my copies and documentation in tow, I was there about a total of 4 hours, AND the income rates are higher than I expected.
Even with our one income and shoestring budget, we barely qualified for anything, and my application is still processing.
Medi-Cal does not care about how much you pay in rent, or how much your student loan payments are. They just care about what's listed on your pay stub.
That being said, I will hopefully be able to get enough coverage to take care of my prenatal visits, my labor, delivery, and hospital stay. After the baby is born, I can then apply for Medi-Cal for him/her separately. All I care about is that my child gets what he/she needs.
It can take up to 45 days for your application to process. If you're like me, this is far too long to go without prenatal care. Here is a back-way into seeing a OBGYN faster:
Go to a free clinic, like a community health care clinic.
(don't tell them that you've already been to the Medi-Cal office, that you already have proof of Pregnancy, or that you have a case-worker)
Tell them that you need a pregnancy test...
Once your test comes back positive, they'll issue you a proof of Pregnancy
They will also give you a Presumptive Eligibility Card. This entitles you to 45 days of coverage with Medi-Cal so you can start the application process, but you already have, so score on for you!
Once you have the PE card, call your worker and get the physician referral number. Your worker may have already given it to you during your interview.
Call that number and find a OBGYN in your area.
Call the OBGYN, tell them that you have a PE card, and that you've already turned in your application for medi-cal. They will then schedule you for your first prenatal appointment. Victory!
Whew, that was a lot!
More to come....
This past year has left us pretty broke, both financially and emotionally.
We went from being an engaged couple with a great two-bedroom apartment, two good jobs with potential, and a cute little dog, to a married couple living with our in-laws (who, don't get me wrong, are GREAT, but it's still not the same), one shaky job that we hope lasts, AND we had to give up our dog.
All of this (and more), is why I wasn't immediately over-the-moon about the pregnancy.
Of course, I want this baby; to be a wife and mother is all I have really ever wanted (and somewhere, a feminist cries...), but all I could think about is: How the hell are we going to do this?
Well, in times of crisis, all I know how to do is to go into planning/organizing/fixing mode.
So what's first? How to get insurance for myself and the baby.
My husband has insurance through his job, but it would cost us like $500 a month to add me and we just couldn't afford that.
I used to have insurance through my job, but was laid off. I've since desperately tried to procure private insurance for myself, but no one would take me b/c of my pre-existing conditions, baby notwithstanding.
So after doing some research, and talking to a good friend who'd been in a similar situation, it seemed like my only option was to head down to the local Social Services office to apply for Medi-Cal.
Medi-Cal (as defined by the CA Healthcare Foundation) "is California's Medicaid program. It provides health care coverage for more than six million low-income children and families as well as elderly, blind, or disabled individuals. Medi-Cal is jointly funded by the state and federal government, and administered by the California Department of Health Care Services. People enroll in Medi-Cal through their county social services department."
Now, I know a lot of folks get into an uproar about things such as Medi-Cal, talking about people living off the system, angry b/c they don't want to support other people's families, etc., and I understand that, but I don't want to hear any of those gripes here. I've been working my ass off since I was 14, supporting myself since I was 17, and paying taxes ever since. I've been paying into this system, and now, I need help. If I can get it, You bet your buttons, I'm going to take it.
Off the the Medi-Cal office I went!
If you are in a similar situation (Pregnant and Uninsured), here's what you need to do:
Go to the website and find your local Social Service office
Get there ASAP
The site will tell you that you can download and mail in your app, but it is safer and more effective to go in. You don't need to fill out the application b/c a worker will do that for you when you are seen.
http://www.dhcs.ca.gov/services/medi-cal/Pages/default.aspx
When going to apply for Medi-Cal, two things to know are:
1. be prepared!
2. be prepared to wait, and then wait some more
The Medi-Cal application will require a lot of info of you and if you have one, your spouse:
ID/DL
Proof of CA residency
Proof of Pregnancy (can be obtained from a free clinic)
Birth Certificate or papers
Marriage License
SS Card
Bank statements for all accounts
Pay stubs
Vehicle Registration
Proof of Vehicle Insurance
There are even more documents if either of you own property, stocks, etc., or if either of you pay child support or alimony.
If you receive any other types of state or government assistance, you need to bring documentation of that as well.
None of that applied to me, so I just needed to bring what was on the aforementioned list, and wait to have an interview and then be assigned a worker.
Be warned:
Even with all of my copies and documentation in tow, I was there about a total of 4 hours, AND the income rates are higher than I expected.
Even with our one income and shoestring budget, we barely qualified for anything, and my application is still processing.
Medi-Cal does not care about how much you pay in rent, or how much your student loan payments are. They just care about what's listed on your pay stub.
That being said, I will hopefully be able to get enough coverage to take care of my prenatal visits, my labor, delivery, and hospital stay. After the baby is born, I can then apply for Medi-Cal for him/her separately. All I care about is that my child gets what he/she needs.
It can take up to 45 days for your application to process. If you're like me, this is far too long to go without prenatal care. Here is a back-way into seeing a OBGYN faster:
Go to a free clinic, like a community health care clinic.
(don't tell them that you've already been to the Medi-Cal office, that you already have proof of Pregnancy, or that you have a case-worker)
Tell them that you need a pregnancy test...
Once your test comes back positive, they'll issue you a proof of Pregnancy
They will also give you a Presumptive Eligibility Card. This entitles you to 45 days of coverage with Medi-Cal so you can start the application process, but you already have, so score on for you!
Once you have the PE card, call your worker and get the physician referral number. Your worker may have already given it to you during your interview.
Call that number and find a OBGYN in your area.
Call the OBGYN, tell them that you have a PE card, and that you've already turned in your application for medi-cal. They will then schedule you for your first prenatal appointment. Victory!
Whew, that was a lot!
More to come....
I'm Pregnant! Wait...WHAT?
It all started with intention of going to the doctor for an annual pap exam. Last Tuesday. March 3rd, to be exact.
I arrived on time and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Then they called me back and asked me to pee in a cup, you know, like you do...
As I sit in the waiting room waiting for the gynecologist to come in and the torture to begin, my thoughts are not even remotely on pregnancy or conception of any kind. This will change in a matter of seconds...
So all of the sudden a nurse pops in. She looks at me and says: "So your pregnancy test came back positive...."
(It did?! WHAT pregnancy test? I'm sorry, are you speaking English? Condoms LIE!)
I immediately burst into tears.
Don't get me wrong, I love children and I have always wanted to be a mother, but we've pretty much been kicked the shit out of by this current economy, so great timing this is not.
But timing aside, my husband and I would do nothing other other than keep any child that came our way, so after assuring them that I didn't need info about abortion OR adoption services, I called my best friend who talked me down from the panic attack I was having, and then called my husband to inform him of his newly appointed daddyhood.
(And by the way, they wouldn't even give me the pap exam. They said that I needed to schedule a prenatal appointment with an OBGYN.)
So, it's official: I'm pregnant. NOW WHAT?
I arrived on time and filled out the appropriate paperwork. Then they called me back and asked me to pee in a cup, you know, like you do...
As I sit in the waiting room waiting for the gynecologist to come in and the torture to begin, my thoughts are not even remotely on pregnancy or conception of any kind. This will change in a matter of seconds...
So all of the sudden a nurse pops in. She looks at me and says: "So your pregnancy test came back positive...."
(It did?! WHAT pregnancy test? I'm sorry, are you speaking English? Condoms LIE!)
I immediately burst into tears.
Don't get me wrong, I love children and I have always wanted to be a mother, but we've pretty much been kicked the shit out of by this current economy, so great timing this is not.
But timing aside, my husband and I would do nothing other other than keep any child that came our way, so after assuring them that I didn't need info about abortion OR adoption services, I called my best friend who talked me down from the panic attack I was having, and then called my husband to inform him of his newly appointed daddyhood.
(And by the way, they wouldn't even give me the pap exam. They said that I needed to schedule a prenatal appointment with an OBGYN.)
So, it's official: I'm pregnant. NOW WHAT?
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