I realize that I shouldn't have yelled at the CSR, but...

I just lost it.

If it's not ONE thing it's another, and why aren't they ever good things?

Because. THAT'S why.

I logged onto our bank accounts today, to make sure that all of the bills that are going to go thru this week without overdrawing us.

Just barely, but we're used to that around here...

Then, I decided that I should check our credit reports. I don't know why, as I hadn't gotten any alerts, but hey--better safe than sorry.

SORRY IS WHAT I TURNED OUT TO BE.

There's a delinquency on the report.
A $500 hospital bill that had been sent to collections.

How could that be? I don't remember getting a bill....

So I call the collections agency. They can't give me any details about the bill other than the hospital it originated from and the balance.

I ask them why I wasn't notified, as they have my address and info.

The lady on the other end of the line did not have an answer.

Then she asks me if I want to settle the outstanding balance today....

That's when I start crying and kinda flip out:

YOUWANT500DOLLARSFROMMETODAY? IDON'THAVE500DOLLARSTODAY. ORTOMORROW. IAMPREGNANTUNEMPLOYEDUNINSUREDAND500DOLLARS ISALMOSTHALF OFMYHUSBAND'SPAYCHECK! SHIT!!!

Ignoring the tirade, she then asked me if I could pay $100 a month until it was paid off.

I collected myself, transferred a hundy from savings, quickly made the payment over the phone, hung up and started sobbing.

I feel like we're never going to get ahead.

Oh, you wanna know what they charged me 500 bones for?

Someone to shine a light in my eye, say "oh, it's a minor scratch on the pupil," had me a little sample tube of antibiotic ointment, and send me on my way.

I never got a bill, because we moved into my ILs like 2 weeks later, and EVEN THOUGH I forwarded all of our mail, the hospital never forwarded, and just bounced back to them. And then they helpfully bounced it on to a collections agency.

Follow the bouncing Ball O' Debt. When you get to the end of the page, please empty your savings account!

I love being a grown up.


In baby news, Owen is GINORMOUS.

Based on his size, he's measuring at 38 weeks instead of 35. He weighs almost 8 lbs.

But he's totally healthy and my fluid level is staying stable.

According to the perinatalogist:

"Some people just make big babies."

This is my husband's fault, I'm sure of it.

I love my son, but he can't be born fast enough.

I want him out!

(Does this make me a bad mom?)

This is a Test of your Emergency Birthing System...

So Owen tried to make a break for it.

Well, I guess we can't really blame it all on him....

They think that my amniotic sac sprung a leak, which can obviously result in preterm labor, which OBVIOUSLY scared the living SHIT out of Owen's daddy and me.

We checked into the hospital on Thursday night, and they immediately put me in a room and hooked me up to a monitor.

IV antibiotics to prevent infection, and steroids to help develop Owen's premature lungs, immediately followed.

3 days of monitoring, tests and major panic attacks brought up the ranks.

It was absolutely terrifying. While they were confident of his survival, hearing words like "NICU," "breathing machines," "feeding tubes," etc., in regards to the birth of your child is just heart-stopping.

Particularly, when as his mother, you were born premature and have had a lot of problems as a result...

But good news all around!

The leak seems to have sealed itself up (apparently that happens), the baby is stable, I'm stable and all looks good for now.

The perinatalogist (sp?) does think that Owen will still be coming early...like possibly in the next 2 weeks (which will still make him premature, but not dangerously so, and the steroids have given him a leg up at this point).

WOAH.

He's fully positioned for birth already. His head is so buried in my cervix, they could not get a clear reading of the cervical length.

COMFY.

Freaks me out. I do not feel prepared for him yet! There's still a lot of cleaning and organzing to do! And now I'm on strict bed rest. CRAP!

(I know, I have issues.)

But as long as he is born healthy, that's all that matters.


In other news, I will be having a scheduled C-Section. My OB feels as though it is our safest option given my hip structure and pelvic muscles.

This was definitely not my original plan, but as I'm being forced to learn more and MORE every day, there is no PLANNING in parenthood. Akin to that old "No crying in Baseball" adage, I think...

Oh, and did I mention that my son is huge?

Yeah, he's already over 6 lbs.

His father is very proud.
I'm just resigning myself to adult diapers.

Think about it.


Anyway, wish me luck! Hopefully, we can keep Owen baking for as long as possible!

I have a follow up appointment on Wednesday, so I'll post an update then...

The Countdown Begins...can it go faster?

If O comes on time, he will be here in 62 days.

That seems like eons from now. Induction is seeming more and more lovely. Ha!

To be frank-

I am in so much pain, I can't F&^#ing STAND IT.

My lower body and its corresponding muscles and joints are staging a revolt.

They've been at if for a  months, and they're not being peaceful about it...

They're making me feel useless and handicapped.

While I technically AM handicapped (I prefer the term disabled. Never use "handicapable in my presence, k? It will not end well), it's been a long time since I have truly felt that way.

I can't get out of bed without help. The stairs are my nemesis. I started crying while trying to put on my own underwear.


These are some old, familiar, feelings that I never wanted to revisit.

I described the pain to my OB today at my appointment thusly:

"Imagine you were me. Pregnant with CP. Then imagine that you had to simultaneously bike the Tour de France AND do the "Rocky" stair climb. Hit repeat til dead."

This is what it feels like I've done to my body.



His paraphrased answer was:

"sucks to be you, but there isn't really anything I can do."

And BTW, It will "get worse before it gets better."


Fuuuuuuuuuc.......me.

(Wait, that's how I got into this mess.)


He has told me to stay in bed.
Great.
Bed Rest.

He also suggested regular prenatal massages.....

As that is not a service covered by Medi-Cal or our wallets, it looks like I'll have to make due with the shower head aimed strategically and set to (as my husband has so charmingly deemed it) "masturbate".

Oh, the joys that lie ahead.

62 days.

Oh.My.SWEET.LOOOOORDY.

PS.

Owen is fine.

So am I.

Okay.

Not really, but I'm not near death or anything.

I just want to disconnect the top half of my body from the lower half.

No Big.

I should be back to my only "slightly gimpy" self after he is born.

And, No.

It is not okay for you to use the term "gimpy" in my presence either....

Did I say "Tired and Fat?" No, I TOTALLY meant "Blissful and Womanly." Really!

No I didn't. I'm a liar.

What I meant to say was: EXHAUSTED and GINORMOUS.

And, And, ANDDDD....

I'd really like to have control of my bladder back.


But that's not what people want to hear when they ask how you are doing in your pregnancy.


Because if I told them that my feet are painfully swollen, that I have menopausal-level hot flashes, that my back and hips are in so much pain it feels like they're trying to secede from the union that is my skeletal system, and peeing my pants is becoming a daily occurrence--that thing will happen where their eyes sorta glaze over and that polite smile crosses their face....

Uh Oh. I've lost them and have now entered that awkward territory.

You know the one, that place where the person you just said that to tries to then reassure you that you will love being a mother and love your baby?

For Pete's sake!

Of course I will love being a mother! Of COURSE of will love my baby! I already do!


I'm ECSTATIC to be pregnant, I'm just having a rough time with some of the "side effects," if you will.


So I smile and jokingly say "tired and fat"...hee hee!

I thought this was safe. Humourous, light, not a lie, but not the full story--you know, keepin' it casual....


Until I said it to one of my MILs friends while were were having lunch.

This was her response:

"Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it. This is the easy part!" "Just enjoy it, because your next pregnancy will never be as easy as your first, especially with another little one running around, so appreciate this magical time, because you NEVER get to have a first pregnancy again."


Well, shit.

Now, I feel like an asshole for not appreciating my pregnancy enough, AND you've completely terrified me about having a second child.


Awesome.

Pass the butter. I'll stuff down my fears with carbs for the time-being.


Soooo nice to see you, btw. So nice.

Thanks.

This is going to be one of those "Did she REALLY just share that?" posts...

So I had my 6 month visit with the Obgyn today.

Technically, I'm at 26 weeks, not 24, but whatever.

But on that note, my fundal measurement (the length from the top of your uterus to your pubic bone) is measuring at 28 weeks, so Owen could be here early.

Which is what I've been saying all ALONG, but my Doc keeps shooting that down...WHAT DOES HE KNOW? He's just the doctor. Ha.

I also gained 6 lbs since my appointment last month. I'm only supposed to gain 3-4 lbs a month, so I felt pretty behemoth (don't even get me started on the TOTAL number, yiiikes), but since I was still negative 3 lbs from my starting weight at the previous visit, I'd technically only gained 3 lbs.

He was happy with this, I was not.

I'm afraid the weight is going to start snowballing in these last 3 months.

I've heard that happening to a lot of pregnant women and it scares me.

Not from a vanity standpoint, but a health one.

I did not start this pregnancy a small girl, and even though I'd SWORN to myself that I would lose all the weight I gained after the rape before I got pregnant....

the intervening 5 years has taught me that A. life never goes according to plan, and B. 100 lbs is WAAAAAY easier to gain than it is to lose.

Obviously, being overweight is not ideal, pregnant or not, so the concept of adding 20-a gazillion lbs to that is scary, but I mostly worry about it in terms of things like gestational diabetes, and healthy labor and delivery. In 3 weeks, I'll have my glucose test, so I'm even more nervous.

I know, I just have to be careful, and I can't beat myself up, but I can't help it sometimes....


All that being said, Owen is doing great, so I should just shut up and be grateful!

On to the TMI portion of our program.....


I'm pretty sure that at this point, my vagina hates me.
I'm thinking it's because she knows of the battle that lies ahead, and is none-too-pleased about it.

I can't be sure of this of course, but all I know is that from the day I got pregnant, I have had nothing but issues in the "lady business" area.

Bladder infections, yeast infections, urinary tract....ay yai yai! It's like she's leading a protest revolt or something....

If that wasn't enough, over the last couple of months, sex has become incredibly painful.
Like the "don't even come near me, no matter how much lube you have" kind of painful.

My poor husband. He's been so understanding and patient, but the poor bastard just wants to get laid, and it's kinda, really, NOT happening for him.

First it was the morning/all day vomiting, then the round after round of antibiotics, now this.

So, I mention this in passing to my doctor last month, and he says:

"No worries, probably just from lack of sex in the previous months. Take it slow, use lube, foreplay, you'll be fine."


No dice!

So I mention it AGAIN today, during my appointment. He asks me to describe it (the pain) in a bit more detail....

Now, I am not a shy or conservative woman, but there's something a little unnerving about having to say the following the man who will deliver your child:

"Well, when he tries to penetrate, it hurts the way it would if you were still recovering from a previous night of really rough, unlubed sex, and THEN were stupid enough to go at it again at full tilt, without a breather....KnowwhatImean?"


The words just fell OUT OF MY MOUTH.

It was like I couldn't stop myself. Oh, wait, that's right: I DIDN'T.

Well, the look on his face was priceless.

He then proceeded to clear his throat, and ask me if I had any history with herpes and/or other STDs.

Thought I was going to DIE.  Roseanne Roseannadanna-style.

After I vehemently stated that I have never had herpes or any other type of creepy-crawly in my bathing suit area, he moved on to doing a vaginal culture, and concluded that it is probably a type of "non-infectious vaginitis" (mmmmmhmm, SEXY) which is apparently, super-common.

Oh, goody!
Treatment?
MORE antibiotics, and you guessed it, no sex.



Sorry, Hubalubs.

Looks like I'm not the only one "SHE" hates......

My mind is lost. There is no "losing" to be had.

I cried on Monday evening for over an HOUR.

Why? Because I had planned on putting away a basket of laundry, but never actually did it.

My husband did his best to console me, while trying not to laugh.

THEN,

I almost had a full-fledged panic attack last night because I realized that (2 weeks ago, mind you) I took two Ibuprofen for a headache, when what I should have taken is Tylenol.

All these horrid scenarios of harm to my son starting galloping through my head....

Madness.

This weekend will probably be just as absurd.

Hubs and I have a wedding to go to, and I'm dreading it, because I feel/look/move like a hippopotamus.

I bought a dress for the wedding, which I have been told looks great on me, but I think that they're neglecting to mention the Circus-tent similarities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm pregnant, I get that--but this is a very small wedding. I have nowhere to hide. I will not 'blend'.

The bride is twice my age, but stunning, and the two other women that will be my comadres for the day are these tiny, gorgeous, TAN girls with killer bodies and new boobs.

Just shoot me now.


If that weren't enough, my 10-year high school reunion is the same day....

(I'm actually bummed we won't be able to make it, there are several people I'd love to see)

Great, now I'm an Elder Hippo to boot!


Pregnancy is amazing....Pregnancy is amazing....Pregnancy is ama......

The Rundown...because a detailed, fluid post would require several hours of your reading time.

The Pregnancy so far: At 17 weeks

As you all know, I have had gnarly morning sickness and that has FINALLY gone away.

(unfortunately, the crushing sense of tired has not)

Now, I find myself insanely hungry every 2-3 hours. I'm guessing that 15 lbs I lost are going to come back with a vengeance. YIKES. I'm still finding it hard to eat that often though, because it just seems like so much!

In addition to VomitORama 09, I've also had 4 back-to-back bladder infections that started to become a kidney infection, and landed me in the ER for 2 days, but with a treatment of injection antibiotics the infection is gone....supposedly.

I'm still having pain and discomfort, but it can't exactly be classified as "cramping" and there's no bleeding, so the suggestion (via the ER docs) is that I go see a urologist, but I'm going to have to jump through hoops of fire to get that done, due to my crap (but much appreciated) insurance.

If that weren't special enough-
I've started getting stretch marks on my belly. This makes me very, VERY sad. Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I have been diligent in exfoliating and oiling up my boobs and belly in an attempt to avoid looking like a road map when this is all over, but Rand McNally, here I come! My husband promises to still love me. Hopefully.

My back and joints have been KILLING me, at times making it difficult to walk. This had me really worried until I realized that hey, I have Cerebral Palsy, and this is probably normal! After researching the topic, that idea was confirmed.
Nothing to be alarmed about, just careful of. This means I that I will probably have to purchase a cane sooner than I ever wanted to, and is kinda a blow to my ego, but I know I have to suck it up. I'm working on it.

Along those lines, I had my first falls while pregnant this weekend. I'm not hurt, and I didn't fall on my belly, but I'd be lying if I said that it didn't scare the shit out of me. But again, after talking to people and doing some research, it is apparently common to occasionally fall on your ass during this whole process.


I also fainted at Disneyland. I'm fine, but I thought my poor hubby's heart was going to pop. They think it was due to dehydration.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and yes, I plan on discussing all of the above things with him. I'd also really like for him to do an ultrasound just for safe measure, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. I am however, demanding an internal exam.

Everyone keeps asking about the gender: we don't know yet, and it's killing us. The ER did one when I was in there (for the bladder brouhaha) on the 28th of May, to make sure that the baby was okay, and the doctor doing it told us that we should be able to tell now, but our puritanical progeny would not move it's knees and show us the goods. I was sooo disappointed. As for our scheduled gender u/s, the doctor wants to wait until the end of the month. This bums me out EVEN FURTHER, because I really wanted to know in time for Father's Day. Dammit!

As for my last post, we'll still FREAKING out about our current financial situation, but after mulling it over 8 ways to Sunday, we realized that we're doing all that we can possibly do right now, and eating ourselves up about it is just causing fruitless misery, so we're just taking it day-by-day, and still fervently hoping for a miracle.

Speaking of money though, we are desperately trying to find a way to get/save up for a new bed. We have decided that we want to co-sleep with the baby after lots of reading and research, and as such, need to upgrade to a King-sized mattress. One that is quality, but doesn't cost us our souls. Based on the prices we've seen so far, this could be one epic quest. Keep your fingers crossed for us, and eyes peeled!

What else?

I'm starting to feel human again, and am moving into total-nesting mode. I keep trying to think of what to clean and organize so that I can feel productive and prepared, but according to several of my friends, I really just need to sit my ass down....Hmmmm. I know that THAT is EXACTLY what I would tell (and have told) any pregnant friend of mine, but I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept.

Well, that about wraps it up! I think. But as pregnancy has liquefied my brain and is slowly stealing my intellect, I've probably forgotten a million things I wanted to say.

I'll probably post tomorrow after I get back from the doctor. I hope it goes well. I ALWAYS panic a little before every appointment....

Baby needs a new pair of shoes!

I'm in the midst of a FREAK OUT. Not just right this second, but for probably about the last week...

We are broke. I mean, brokety-ass-brokety BROKE.

Thankfully, we make all of our bills, but that's it.
There's no savings, and there's no emergency fund.

We don't even make enough to pay real rent, so it's a good thing we're living with my in-laws.

We're having a baby. HOLY MOTHER OF G-D.

I don't know what to do. Ironically, we can't bring in any more income, or we'll lose the Medi-Cal that we have for the baby.

Even if I could work, my doctor has said that I shouldn't, and my poor husband was trying to find a 2nd job BEFORE I got pregnant, and couldn't find anything to save his life.

Now, even if he could FIND something, he wouldn't be able to take it, because we can't afford to lose the medi-cal, but we also can't afford to not to bring in more dinero....

Ummm, yeah. Stuck between a rock and a poor place.

In an effort to try and do what we can, we consolidated all of our credit cards (all of which save for one, was in my name because of my husband's lack of credit history) and started what the company calls a: Debt Management Plan-DMP, which will reduce our monthly out-go of credit card payments by quite a bit.

We were hoping to put that money we "saved" toward an emergency fund and toward saving for the baby, BUT now we're terrified that my husband's car is close to death.

If the "CHECK ENGINE" light comes on one more time, I'm going to lose it.

We're hoping the car will at least eek out for another year....oh, please, little car, hear my cry!

But even with saving that bit of money every month, it still doesn't allow us to become financially stable enough to move out.

Especially with the credit consolidation now.

My credit history which I spent 10 years building, is now dust, and will be for the next five years.

I'm jobless, credit cardless, credit historyless, and pregnant.

Excuse me while I collapse into panic attack/coronary.

I went from bringing in a full-time income, having a great credit score and an established credit history to THIS, in a ONE YEAR.

I have never been this dependent on another human being (that being my husband) in my life. It's terrifying. I don't like it.


That is not to say that I blame my husband for any of it (and I'm so thankful that he doesn't blame me EITHER), or that I would change anything really, it just blows my mind how quickly things can shift.


We just don't know what to do.
We desperately want to find a way to move out of my in-laws house.

Not because it's a horrible place to live, but because we just want to not feel like failures, but at the same time, we know it would be idiotic to try and leave before we're truly stable, not just for our sakes, but for the sake of our child as well.

Until we can find a way to make a substantial second income, or be granted a miracle, we'll be camping here for a while.

Most of the people in our lives have been really supportive of our having to move in to my husband's parents, but then there are those that treat it like we ended up here because we were irresponsible assholes, who didn't try hard enough, which is really unnerving.

Worse than that though, are the people who assume that because we're living with the 'rents, who happen to be "comfortable" shall we say, that all of our troubles are over, our bills are being paid, our debts are settled, and now we're just lazy.

Yes, we live with my husband's parents, and yes, it is a pretty swank place to live, and yes, they have helped us, BUT they are NOT just handing out money to us like confetti...

Ummmm, I WISH.

Who wouldn't want someone to come in, fairy godmother-style and say: Don't worry! I've got this!?

But alas, that is not so.

They have their own financial ecosystem to maintain, thank you.

We pay are own bills, and on one income (particularly in So. CA), it's pretty tight.
We are not whiny and spoiled, I promise.

Some people just like to run their mouths...ahem.

If that wasn't enough, my husband's parents really want him to go back to school.
Which, in theory, is great.
I want my husband to be able to do that too, but given the current state of things, the idea of adding another mountain of student loans to the range of financial clusters we ALREADY have paralyzes us both with terror.

But that is another post for another night.

I don't have the strength for it now.....

Pregnancy is a pain in the ass.

I know. I KNOW. How dare I, right? I feel guilty for even typing it, let alone THINKING it....

but it IS. It's a pain in the ass.

There's the mind-numbing fatigue, the complete loss of your previous abilities to focus, remember and/or retain information, there's the copious amount of vomiting, plus gas and heartburn. And don't forget the peeing. ALWAYS peeing.

(I'll save the skin and bodily changes for my next post....Oooh, something to look forward to!)

I am so tired, that all I do is sleep.

Women who work/go to school while pregnant are now my new superheroes. I don't know how they do it! They deserve medals and parades.

The other day, it took me six hours just to get dressed, write an email, and put away 3 baskets of laundry. 6 HOURS, people. I don't have other children or a job, that was all I did all day...

And I was exhausted!

I have also become dumber. I can't remember how to spell things, I have difficulty paying attention, My husband has to repeat himself, it's a mess.

Oh, and the vomiting: There's no "glow," just shades of green and broken blood vessels all around my eyes and across the bridge of my nose. Food is the enemy and I've gotten to the point where I'm slightly afraid to eat. I've started picking foods based on their ease of regurgitation.

Gross, but totally true.

Next, we have gas and heartburn--

With the way I've been belching and farting, you'd think I was a trucker! My favorite part? I seem to have no control over any of it. I'll open my mouth to speak, and instead, out comes a loud rumbly burp. In the middle of a quiet restaurant, no less.

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake with heartburn and and stomachache. Damn Italian.


Finally, there's the peeing. I probably pee every fifteen minutes. Going an hour between bathroom breaks is like marathon status.

If I cough too hard, I pee a little.
If I throw up, it's a sure bet that I will pee.
Good sneeze? It's over!

So I've started wearing pads 24/7...and it's early in my pregnancy still. By the end, I'm going to have to drop all pretenses of dignity and just give into Depends. Shudder!


Pain in the ASS, I tell you!

But that's okay. I'd go through all of this tenfold to have our baby.

It's always been said that you have to work hard for what you really want, so armed with my super absorbent pads, my prenatal vitamins and my chuck bucket, I say:

LET'S DO THIS.


That, however, does not mean that I won't bitch about it from time to time, no matter how grateful I may be for this opportunity.

I'm sorry, but peeing your pants while puking your guts out is  like salt in the wounds....just mean!