Weekend Update....Sigh.

I'm having a serious blogging crisis, which I'm not even sure how to post about, so I'll get into that later...

Since it's been awhile though, I did want to check in--keep everybody updated on our ummmmm, errrrrm progress?

Yesterday was the one monthaversary of Huz' unemployment.
Obviously, it was an understated celebration....harumph.

He's been applying every day since he lost his job, he's been going to an employment resource center 2x a week, and he's been going to job fairs.

A dear friend even took the time to lend us her professional eye and rehauled his resume...

Annnnd, NADA.

Not even a call back.

As an added bonus?

My student loan payments went up another $200 a month.
(Found out that little gem out the day Husband lost his job.)

Sallie Mae doesn't give  a rat's ASS about my no-income situation.
I was basically told to pay up or default.

HELPFUL.

We're feeling GREAT about life.

It's only been a month, right?
Right?
Right....
(as I look nervously at my expanding belly)

We did qualify for unemployment, and got our first check in the mail today....

A whopping $342.00!

I'd laugh at the amount if we didn't need it so badly.

It's SOMETHING, so I have to focus on that.

My Medi-Cal situation is kiiiinda settled, in that I am eligible for prenatal MC, but not fully instated because their records still show that I have alternate coverage.


I dropped off our termination letter to the offices last week after FINALLY getting it from Kaiser (who took their sweet time), but when I called the MC offices, they said that the whole thing could take up to 20 business days to process....

Awesome!

So I'm in limbo, but my OB agreed to see me and just backdate for as long as he can.

Baby is doing well, and is healthy from what they can tell.

It's a GIRL btw (for those of you who don't follow facebook or twitter)!!

At least they're 90% sure it's a girl....

The last US I was able to have was right at 17wks, so they said it was a bit early, but the tech was super confident.

As she put it:
Nothing was popping UP. Ha!

I'll be 20 weeks on Monday, and I have an appt. with the Perinatalogist on the 4th.

He'll be able to do a much more thorough/detailed scan then.

But so far, everything looks good!

Physically, I'm feeling okayish.
I'm exhausted all the time, and the joint pain has already kicked into high gear, so I know I've got  A LOT to look forward to in the coming months!

I'm excited, but not as ecstatic as I thought I would be.
I mean, I'm thrilled we're having a girl...I'm thrilled we're having a BABY, but I think my enthusiasm/joy is clouded by stress and depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to make it.

Asking myself Again and Again: Where did we go so wrong?

I keep wondering/questioning, even praying:
When the FUCK are things going to ACTUALLY turn around for us?

Every time we pass by the apartment complex that we were supposed to move into, my stomach just sinks, and I feel that sting of tears behind my eyes....

Unpacking our boxes gutted us both.

It's been a really long and ugly month.
We're trying very hard to plaster a smile on our faces and soldier forward.

Whenever someone asks how we are, we say:
We're hanging in there! Trying to stay positive, and looking forward to whatever opportunity comes our way!

Which is true.
Sort of...

In the quiet moments of the day, when we're alone?

We feel stuck.
Scared.
Angry.
Heartbroken.


This pattern of two steps forward, 3 steps back has plagued us for too long.

It's no longer about my husband just finding a good job.

For us to actually move in  FORWARD motion?

He needs a fucking miracle job.
We need a sweepstakes win.
We need magic.

Since magic, miracles and Ed McMahon seem to be outta our reach, the plan is for the Huz to find a full-time job, get settled in that schedule and then take on a night/weekend job, and just begin digging our way to the top of some semblance of stability.

Piece of cake, no?

Jobs are just RIPE for the picking!
Snort.
(are we working the wrong field?)

People keep telling me that our break is just around the corner, good things happen to good people, etc....

I sure hope so.

But I think we're going to be stuck for a long damn time.

We haven't any other choice than to just keep trudging through the shit we've got and to make the best of it.

I'm honestly not sure how to keep doing that.

But we'll figure it out.

Key thing about parenthood is that it takes quitting COMPLETELY OFF the table.

Annoying, right?
Ha.






As usual, thanks to all of you who've checked in with us, offered commiseration, and are generally rooting for us.

We really appreciate all  the support.

Deja-Effing-Vu All Over Again.

My Husband lost his job Wednesday night.

He was told that while he was an excellent worker with a great set of skills, he just wasn't the right "fit."

He was there for less than 6 months.
He had been told repeatedly that it was going to take a year for him to get fully comfortable in the position.

I guess they changed their minds and decided 4.5 months was long enough.

That would have been really excellent to know at the end of December when the Huz met with his boss and was assured that his progress was just fine and his job was secure.

On January 15th we celebrated his 1st big commission check.

February 15th, he came home without a job.

It feels unreal.


We just signed a 12 month lease last Friday night.

We were supposed to start our move, our fresh start, today.

So here we are, with a lease to break, no money coming in (he wasn't given severance, a final paycheck, nada), our insurance cancelled at the end of the month, and another baby on the way.

It seems like we were standing in this same spot (for the umpteenth time) at the end of May last year...

Oh, wait.

That's because we were.

Every time we think about unpacking all our our boxes to (continue to) stay at his parent's house, I start to cry and my husband looks like he's going to vomit.

We took a drive yesterday to talk about how to move forward, and we realized that, essentially?

We can't.

Even if he were to start a new job tomorrow, unless that job paid him double what he was making at his last job, the best we'll be able to hope for is to just go back to living paycheck to paycheck, scraping together our bills and living with his parents.

For the next 5 years.

And that's under the assumption that we don't go further into the hole during this current period of unemployment.

We (again) revisited my going back to work, but it's been four years, and my health is worse now than it was then. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not sure I could handle working 40 hrs a week again....

And as we discovered before, a child in full time daycare would cost the bulk of my paycheck. Two would most likely take the rest and then some.

Two working parents for one income?

Where's the gain in that?

I can't even begin to express how defeated/beat down we feel.

Yes, we have a roof over our heads, and yes, we have food in our stomachs, but none of it is OURS.

How long can we live here?

How long can we not even really make ends meet?

How long will it take to recover from this setback and what will be left when we do?


It may sound nihilist or overly dramatic, but as I've said before, it's about the money--the math.

If the numbers don't add up, then you can't solve the problem.

And beyond that, you can't just break even. 

There HAS to be a surplus.

Continually breaking even makes for no forward movement, and doesn't allow for any error.


The smallest of miscalculations send you straight back to the red.

This has been our lives for the last 5 years.

The debts keep rooting deeper and the stakes keep climbing higher.

We never thought our lives would be this way, that we'd be bringing two children into it....

Where the HELL did we go wrong?

More importantly--


How the FUCK do we get out of this cycle?

Not quite sure we even know how to breathe at this point.