I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


YES!
 

Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?

Yeeeeah.

I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)


Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

Well.
There's that...

There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365

Ahem.

However--

I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....

Nope!

Also?

We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.

AmniooooOH BOY.

I had my amnio today.

My darling son would NOT STOP MOVING, so they had to manuever that ginormous needle around him....while plunged into my belly.

Translation?

Pain. Labor Contractions. WOAH.

So after being admitted, hooked up to a monitor, and my uterus calming down, I was finally sent home.

As they were discharging me, I got the results of the amnio...

Owen's lungs are mature and raring to breathe. He is also 10 lbs.

The nurses kept calling him the "Wild Child" because he wouldn't stay still to be monitored, and if they pushed too hard on my belly, he started kicking.

FANtasTIC.

I'm going to give birth to a 10 lb Tasmanian Devil.


(If you listen closely, you can hear faint guffawing from the sky)

While on the topic of my little monster--


I've started a picture blog to document the coming awesomeness that is our son.

BEHOLD:

http://lookathowcuteiam.blogspot.com


Check it out! I hope the blog will be a great place for our friends and family to check out pictures of Owen as they come...which they will in DROVES, I'm sure!

Please Note--

Owen's pictoblog will not be connected to this blog.

Becaaaaaause, this blog contains language and situations that may not be suitable for grandparents...or great-grandparents, etc.


Okay, well that's it for the moment!


Oh, wait. One more thing....

Owen will be here on WEDNESDAY.

!!!!!!

Postapalooooooza!

As I mentined in my last post, there's a LOT of ground I need to cover!

Sorry for the lag, but we have been really busy, and if we're not busy, then I am trying desperately to rest....and deflate my snausage legs and feet. Oh, that crazy edema!

It's making me kinda antisocial, truth be told. I just want to stay home, in my underwear, under a fan, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

This doesn't bode well for social-interaction....

But I digress--Let's get down to it.

4D ULTRASOUND PHOTOS:

DO it! They really are amazing. Yes, they are pricey, but totally worth it! Seeing your baby's face as it's starting to take shape, is mind-blowing. We also spent a little more to get the DVD of the actual ultrasound, which was a TRIP and a HALF. You get to see the baby moving in real time. We saw Owen kicking, SMILING, and moving his little mouth! He looked like he was talking to us!

Totally made me cry.

These are my faves:

Chubby Cheeks!



Baby Feet



Tiny Smile...(and he totally looks like Hubby's lil' bro)



Cutest Baby EVER!!! In my totally unbiased opinion.




FIRST BABY SHOWER:

It was really lovely. The house was filled with fabulous women, scrumptioussss cupcakes, and adoooooorable baby gifts. Owen made out like a bandit. He got tons of cute clothes and some really cool toys. We also had a diaper raffle which was a huge success.

We are so lucky to have so many people in our lives who are as excited about Owen's arrival as we are!

The Loot



We have NO IDEA where to put everything, and we still have another shower to go! Haha.

THE MATERNITY SHOOT:*

I decided that I HAD to do a maternity shoot. That was an odd urge for me, as I HAAAATE having my picture taken, and the fact that I am currently the size of an abnormally large Manatee, but nonetheless--my sentimentality won out.
This could be our only child. I want to document as much of this process as possible!

I asked a friend of mine who is super-creative to snap the pictures for us, and thankfully, she agreed! She did such a beautiful job!

Somehow though, I ended up mainly unclothed...I'm still not sure how that happened.

I went into the shoot thinking we were going to to the whole "wholesome-jeans-and-tanks" look, and instead, there was just a whole lotta me hanging out!

But ya know what?

My Hubs and I are not of the wholesome type. These pictures are so US. I'm glad that I ignored my insecurities and just went with it.

Looking at the the pictures made me so emotional!

It's crazy to think that in two years we've gone from this:



Engaged-Summer 2007

To this:



Wedding-Spring 2008


Allll the way to here:







Expecting-Spring 2009

It has been a life-changing, but amazing couple of years.


*There are tons more pictures on my facebook. Uploading on here is kinda tedious.

We need to talk...

...about Owen's 4D ultrasound pictures.

and the first baby shower.

AND starting lamaze classes.

BUT,

Let's do that later, K?

I'm exhausted.

I can't sleep in my own bed anymore.

I've taken up nightly residence in a Poang chair, with my feet propped up on our bed.

Yes, it's as awesome as it sounds....


After finally falling asleep at 1 am, I woke up at 4 am to nausea-inducing heartburn and upset stomach. By 5 am, a gnarly nosebleed joined the party.

6 am brought sleep.

8 am brought my Hubby's alarm.

By 10:30 am, I waved the white flag of surrender.

You win this round, Pregnancy!


Although, looking at this face:




Who needs sleep?

Taking a break from the Crazy....

In regards to my last post, I want to state emphatically that I love my husband very much--he is very loving and doting (just not tidy), and that despite my hormonally-charged rants of yesterday, he is not dead. I didn't even yell.

Which is miraculous, given the fact I realize NOW, that my episode was probably brought on by the migraine that was building up in, and subsequently unleashed upon, my brain yesterday, at 6:30 pm.

Anyway....on to baby-related things!

Owen and I had our 20 week U/S on Monday, and everything looks GREAT. He hit all the appropriate measurements, is developing the way he should, his heartbeat is strong, and everything looks normal. The tech also said that he had long arms and legs (like his Daddy), so he'll probably be tall. Crazy, right? To me, he's just a tiny little monkey. I can't think of him as a man yet!

As you may have noticed, he is still a HE. Haha. It was doubly-confirmed. :)

I was also told that instead of being a few days into my 20th week, Owen was measuring more like 22, so we shall see.....

(as soon as I get them scanned, I'll post some U/S pics)

I'm just so happy that he's healthy! It was also really nice to have my husband there. He unfortunately wasn't present for the earlier U/S we'd had, so it was quite the moment for him.

He kept saying over and over:
"That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen! That's my son!"

It was adorable.

As far as planning for his arrival, it's FREAKING me out. Logistically, I mean.

So far, people have been awesome with offering us stuff, which is so GREAT, I just don't know where that hell to put it all. I'm waiting for some furniture to be moved, for my MIL to clean out the closet in our bedroom (its got her stuff in it, not ours, I promise), and then perhaps some real progress can be made.

Our registry is just about done, but it's looking more and more like I need to rethink our nursery furniture....

I registered for this really nice set that is transitional, growing with the child, but they're all pretty substantial pieces of furniture. Not having an actual nursery, or apartment for that matter, there's just no room for it. In addition, we've decided to co-sleep, so we won't need a crib anyway for quite some time--making the set kind of moot.

There is furniture that we DO need though, like a dresser to put Owen's things in, other storage pieces, and a small changing table.

Basically, I need to re-shop for smaller scale stuff that's better suited to a studio-type apartment than a home, if that makes sense.

I'm just afraid of falling into the trap of buying stuff that works in a pinch, but then won't last us down the road, much like our poverty-induced purchase of a Klippan couch....

As soon as I can tailor it down, I'll release the registry info for all of those who've been asking. :)

Baby Shower Info:

There's going to be two. Which is not a bad thing, I just don't want people to think I'm shower-greedy...

We had originally figured that we would just have a shower at the in-law's casa, because well, it's where we live. Then my mom decided that she was hosting (come hell or high water) the shower. A shower that is.....Wait for it.....

A Halloween-themed shower. Babies, pumpkins, and ghosts? She also wanted everyone to dress up. This was swiftly vetoed.

(For those of you who know my madre, this is not a surprise.)

The only problem with this is that my mom has a small house, and with all the people my mom has on her list, my MIL has on HER list, and my OWN list, there is no hope of it working out under that roof. On top of that, my MIL will not be in town the weekend my mom is holding the shower.

Then there were two.

The first one will be the 2nd or 3rd weekend of September (still trying to nail down dates with my ever-traveling ILs) at our house, and the 2nd one will take place the 3rd weekend of October at my mother's.

Now I'm tasked with trying to split up the guest list appropriately between the two parties. I want it to be a good mixture of people who know each other, you know?

Thankfully, my very talented friend has offered to do the invites for both showers, and the cake for the September shower. Her cakes are amazing, I'm stoked.

That's as far as I've gotten.

I'll update as more info is cemented!


Happy Fourth of July Weekend, Loves!

Sweet potato pancakes, grits, and gorgeous veils, OH my!

Today has been a weird day. First poor Farrah Fawcett lost her battle with cancer, and then MJ has a heart attack....While it is a sad day for the pop culture community and world at large, at risk of sounding disrespectful, I'm glad they're gone, b/c at least they're (hopefully) at peace. Ms. Fawcett was undoubtedly in immeasurable amounts of pain--in hell, and Mr. Jackson was well, immeasurably fucked up, so in his own brand of hell all the same.

But that's all I'm going to say about that....

On to happier things:

Our trip to Atlanta went REALLY well. It was so much fun, but OH MY SWELTERING. So hot!

Husband went off to "rough it" with the boys in the woods of North Carolina (if a swank cabin with flat screens, beds, and a jacuzzi coupled with frat-level drinking games are part of a general wilderness motif), and I stayed in Hotlanta with my new SIL and her friends. They were a fantastic group of women, and so sweet.

The weekend was filled with fantastic food (my life is forever-changed after the introduction of Moose Tracks), bridal celebrations, drunken texts (from the boys), silly pictures, and scandalous lingerie (all in the name of Jesus...lol).

All in all, the makings of a memorable weekend.

I loved getting to spend time with my SIL-to-be, as we really didn't know each other AT ALL before this trip. After, however, we've discovered a menagerie of commonalities and have made a pact. Haha.

The best part of the trip was being able to go with her to try on her dress and be a part of the veil-choosing. Dealing with the aging Southern Debutante, not so much.

To the woman's credit though, she did show us one of the coolest tricks to do with your veil that I have ever seen.

As far as little Owen, we are in 20th week, and feeling pretty good. All I want to do is eat, which kind of freaks me out, because I want to be really careful about my weight gain, and unfortunately, I'm not craving veggies and cottage cheese, if you know what I mean....

We have our scheduled U/S through the perinatal office on the 29th. This was supposed to be our anatomy screen, but as you all know, I jumped the gun, and went to a third-party place on my own.

I'm nervous that this U/S will tell us that it's a girl. Not that we'll be any LESS thrilled, it will just be kind of weird....like: JUST KIDDING. Sorry, Owen. You'll now be known as Olivia. Awkward!

In reality, all I care about is that he's healthy, which is why I love U/S's because you can get a more accurate reading of the heartbeat, position, movement, measurements, etc. If I had it my way, I'd have one every month! Haha.

In other baby news, I've started the prep for baby shower time!

I think I'll put all of that in a separate post though, as I'm starting to lose focus! Oy! Mommy brain!

"Early Father's Day", and "To Crash, or not to Crash?"

Father's Day came early this year in our house. This was due to hectic travel schedules on everyone's part. My FIL is leaving tomorrow morning for a business trip, and then on Thursday, my husband and maybe myself (more on the maybe part in a minute), will be flying to Atlanta to visit his brother and his fiancee.

We won't be back until late Sunday night which meant that we had to celebrate this weekend....

I decided that for F Day, I really wanted to surprise my hubby with the baby's gender. How perfect is that, right?

Well, my OBGYN attempted to thwart my plans. He wanted me to wait until I was 20 (to date, I'm almost 19) weeks to have my ultrasound, so he scheduled me for the 22nd of June. Well, BOO on that, sir!

I was soooo bummed! But then, a friend suggested something brilliant:
Just go to one of those 3D imaging places, and pay them to do the ultrasound.

(She's a genius)

Off I went! Granted we're trying to save money and all, but this was too perfect!


After almost a half an hour of the baby hiding the goods, my MIL and I got the news:

It's a BOY!!

I totally started bawling. Happy Tears, of course!


I found the cutest little frames that have the "What are Boys Made of?" rhyme on them, and inserted the two best u/s pics....

We presented one to my FIL and one to my hubs last night.

The look on his face was PRICELESS. :)

He's over the MOON to be having a son, and it's kinda cool because my husband was the firstborn son to his parents, and the first grandchild to his parents, and our son will follow that line as well.

Get ready world, Owen Christopher Guillermo is on his way!

Now on on to the 2nd part of today's blog--

Like I mentioned at the top of this post, my husband and I are supposed to fly out on the 18th, and spend the weekend with his brother and our soon-to-be sister-in-law, to celebrate their respective bachelor/ette parties, but I think that I may be bowing out.

This makes me very sad, as I was really looking forward to spending time with them, but the problem is, well, our lodging arrangement while there.

My husband and I will not actually be together for most of the trip, as he'll be going out to the woods to rent a cabin and do "manly-man" man things with his brother and the other groomsmen.

I, on the other hand, will stay with my new SIL, as we celebrate bridal things, and have Girls Night Out, etc....

Awesome, I know. Except for the fact that I would spend three nights crashed on their couch in a very cool, but small loft-type studio.

This is going to make me sound like a spoiled brat, but I can't really crash on people's couches/floors anymore. Not with my 80-year-old-lady joints.

And as I mentioned before, pregnancy has compounded this problem quite a bit. I'm pretty much in pain all the time.

In the middle of the night, it's worse because of sleeping in one position or another for an extended period of time. I have a hard time getting up and out of bed, I have to hobble to the bathroom (constantly, as little man has taken up residence directly on my bladder), and sometimes I don't always make it, ahem, successfully. The pain and stiffness issue should go back to the level I'm used to after i give birth, but it doesn't help the situation at hand now.

As you can see, this doesn't really bode well for crashing on a couch (one that I have never seen, nor have any idea if it's actually big enough to handle a 5-months-pregnant disabled woman--both my BIL and SIL are no bigger than a minute), and navigating terrain in the dark that I'm not familiar with.

I just don't think it's going to end well, and my husband hasn't been okay with the arrangement from the get-go. He doesn't want me to be uncomfortable and sleepless for 3 days, but mostly, he's afraid I'll fall down and hurt myself.

At first, I just thought he was being a worry wort, but given my pain level these days and my recent falls, I've started to feel apprehensive myself.

Our original plan was to get me a hotel/motel room, so that the bathroom would be steps from the bed, and I'd be able to leave the bathroom lights on all night to help me see...

But as this trip is already breaking our bank as it is, that arrangement is out of the question.


I want to go! I'd hate to miss out on this, especially since we're missing out on the wedding in October.

So what's a girl to do? Do I just go armed with cane and a nightlight, suck it up, and hope for the best? Or do I resign myself to staying home?

Sometimes, my Cerebral Palsy really pisses me off.

But, I can't be too whiny. The most important thing is that my husband will get to spend some time with his brother, which he's stoked for, and lest we forget:

We're having a SON!

Crisis Averted!

I haven't updated this thing in really, almost three weeks, and it has been a LOOOOONG 3 weeks, let me tell you!

It all started when my OBGYN told me I had to go to a specialist--to have an early ultrasound b/c my doctor wanted to make sure that we were dating the pregnancy correctly (he was assuming 6-7 weeks)...

My appointment was on the 1th of March, so off to specialist we went!

The ultrasound did not go well...

While doing the US, the doctor abruptly pulls out the "probe" (I don't know what the technical term is) and tell me that she could not see a fetus present, and that at 6 weeks (which is what my sac was measuring), she should be able to see something, meaning there's a good chance that the pregnancy isn't "viable" (I hate that term). She tells me to go back to my OBGYN. That he'll discuss it further with me.

Walks out.

So there I am with my husband, sobbing b/c I have NO IDEA what's going on, and I go back to my OBGYN and I'm told that I need to have my blood tested 3 times over the week to see if my hormone levels are rising.
I'm told if they are, then they'll do another US, if not, then they'll schedule me for a DNC...

and that's ALL they'll tell me.

I'm pretty much hysterical at this point. Already having had miscarriages, I was already desperately afraid that something bad was going to happen. This was like my worst nightmare coming true.

Over the next week, I go through all of the blood tests, and I finally find out at like 5pm on that Friday that my hormone levels are going up!
Time for another ultrasound.

Did I mention I'm a basket case? Yeah, pretty much.

FINALLY my follow-up US appointment comes on the 1st of April (Hey, what better day to get life-changing news then on April Fool's day, right?), and I'm reallllllly nervous, but I'm trying to stay positive...

I had decided that I was not comfortable seeing that specialist again, so this time around they sent me to a radiology facility to have my US.

My mother-in-law and I get there, and I'm SO trying to hold it together.

This woman comes into the room and right away she says that she will NOT be able to give me the results of the screening b/c she is not a doctor, but just an ultrasound technician.

Before she even finishes her sentence, I burst into tears. The thought of waiting even an HOUR more to know whether or not I'm going to be a mother just sounded like sheer torture!

I kind of choke out what happened the first time and she apologizes profusely, and tries to reassure me, but there's nothing she can do, so we start the ultrasound...I'm still crying, but trying not to, and failing.

All of the sudden, she turns the screen around to us, and says:

"there's the heartbeat, it's strong. That's all I'm going to tell you..."


OH MY GOD! That woman became my total BFF in that moment.

But my real BFF right then was my mother-in-law.

Apparently, while I was in the bathroom changing for the exam, my MIL told the tech what had happened, my history, how upset I was, etc., which is why she must've taken pity on us, showing us the heartbeat.

Love my MIL!

The moral of this story is that the doctor says that everything looks normal, the baby's heartbeat is healthy, and that I am officially at 9 weeks!

They think the specialist missed it because I was slightly less far along than she thought...which is what I suggested to her in the first place, but let's not get into that....

We are so relieved and excited! I can't even fully express it!

Unfortunately (sort of), during this whole waiting game, morning, afternoon and night sickness has reared in vomit-y head, and food has become the enemy.

I have tried to lose weight 80 million ways to Sunday.

I have been on every diet/exercise plan known to man.

What did I need to do?

I just needed to get pregnant. Irony?

Perhaps.

Pregnancy should become the new fad diet. I've lost ten lbs in a month.

To top it all off, I have a nasty cold.


Ah, pregnancy bliss!


Yay!