Penciling it in....Where's my Eraser?

Schedules.
Lists.
Calendars.
To-do's.

Love 'em.

Order and cleanliness made me happy.
Ticking things off the list made me smile.
I was all content (in an organized fashion, of course) in my Type A sensibilities.
I was a multitasking GODDESS.

Then I had a child.

Now?
As long as the boy is fed, clothed, and no one can rightfully call the Environmental Protection Agency on us in regards to our squalor,  I consider the day a success.

I often go with out showers, makeup, or proper clothing.
Piles of laundry have become part of my decor....
Chaos abounds!


What the HELL?

I am a SAHM with just ONE CHILD.

How is it that at 2pm in the afternoon, I'm still in my pajamas?

I am BEYOND tired of all the things I keep "meaning to get to"  never getting done.
(ya know, like hygiene...)


I'm starting to feel bad about my  life-efficacy, guys.

I need to pull it together!

I'm trying to make a schedule....
With a schedule, I will stay more on track.  Be more focused.

I Hope.

Obviously, caring for my son is a daily, ongoing thing, and his schedule comes first, but I needed a general overview...

So I decided to go old-school and break things up in to "Days"to see what that would look like:

Monday is Internet Catch-up Day:
Read/Answer emails
Read/Answer blog comments
Catch up on Twitter/Facebook
Maintain pages
Clean out inboxes

Tuesday is Blogging Day:
Read all my subscriptions
Comment
Write a post of my own

{I feel kinda silly devoting 2  days to just blogging/Interwebs, but my blog has been a great outlet for me, twitter has allowed me to connect with some great people/writers, and facebook/emailing keeps me sane on the days I don't talk to anyone but my son all day. I want to start writing more, and getting more involved with groups, etc...to make that possible, I've gotta carve out the time...}

Wednesday is Cleaning Day:
Duh.

Thursday is Laundry Day:
Also, DUH.

Friday is Bills/Paperwork Day
Pay bills
Plan weekly budget
Check all accounts
Check credit monitoring
Sort through and file all mail

Saturday is Family Day:
No chores, just fun...or laziness. Ahem.

Sunday is Errands Day: Aka: There Goes Our $$
Target
Babies R Us
Grocery Store
and anywhere else that didn't get-gotten-to during the week.

So far, the schedule has been been *slightly* successful....

And after a very looooong absence, I'm also trying to work out at least 3 times a week.
The last couple weeks have been good, so perhaps it will become a trend....
Yikes.

I also need to start going to bed earlier and getting UP earlier.
I just can't seem to do it....

EVERY NIGHT, I swear that I will be in bed asleep by 10pm...and EVERY NIGHT I'm crawling into bed at 12-1am....

In the morning?
I find myself sleeping until the last possible second before I drag myself outta bed to start the day and make Huz's lunch.....

If I could just get into the habit of getting up at like 5:00-5:30am?
I could shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, make lunch, and get a jump-start on my day before O was even awake.

But if you know me?

You know that it had to be an EMERGENCY for me to be out of bed that early.

Someday, like if we have another baby or when O starts school, I will probably be required to get up in the middle of the night, but for now, that's just SO FRIKKEN EARLY.

Too early. 
I used to do it when I had to take the bus to work....I swore never.again.ever.
Then, O was born and I was up every two hours for a brief time...
but he settled into such a nice sleeping pattern.
Now, I don't really get up before 7 most days....

Sigh.

But I probably should.

Can a 30-year-old night owl become a morning person?
Can I catch that damn worm?


Obviously, I need your help!



Any tips on starting your day before the Dawn of Man?

Things are only slightly different.

In honor of Mother's Day, I got to thinking about how much my son has changed my life...

It's beyond amazing. I love him so much, it sometimes hurts. Does anyone else experience that? It's a capacity that astounds me everyday.

He's made me a gentler, happier person. He's just awesome that way.

Other things have changed too.

I used to have at-home spa nights for myself.

Now?

I keep cleansing wipes by the toilet so I can run one over my face when I get a chance to pee.

[Speaking of which, I now know how to do with someone on my lap, and I usually pee with the door open--no shame.}

I used to enjoy long, hot showers and deep conditioning treatments.

Now?

I sometimes can't remember when was the last time I showered and I find myself wondering if my husband would really mind if I started using his Old Spice all-in-one hair/body wash for expediency.

I used to enjoy my meals, remembering to eat slowly, engaging in conversation.

Now?

I shovel it in like it's trying to run away from me. You never know when that window of opportunity might close. Eat fast, or don't eat.

I used to keep up on politics and current events.

Now?

Burt and Ernie's arguments over whether it's fun to sing or not is about as political as I get, and I'm lucky if I know what day it is.

I used to wear perfume and lipstick.

Now?

I smell like spit up and am covered in slobber. It's a good look.


I used to think: Sex? Why not? I'm on it! (No pun intended)

Now?

Sex? Why? I'm tired!
(Sorry, Honey.)


I used to roll out of bed at noon whenever given the chance and luxuriate in our big bed.

Now?

I wake up to the cutest toothless grin you've ever seen, and am continually surprised at the ability his tiny body has to take up a king-sized bed.

I wouldn't go back to my old life for a second (Okaaay, so maybe for 30 minutes. I miss having groomed eyebrows and exfoliating!)! All the sleepless nights, slobbery messes and stretch marks are worth it in such a profound way, I don't think it can be explained.

Being a Mommy has been a dream and life-goal of mine forever and having it come true has not disappointed.

I'm pretty sure my other dream of international pop-stardom would have.

[No joke, Career Day as a kid, I wanted to be Tiffany. Did anyone see her ungodly turn as an "actress" on SyFy? No? Just me? It's just as well.}

He's going to be shaving tomorrow morning, I'm convinced.

O is soooooo big already. He sat up on his own last night, and I burst into tears!

I can't handle this growing up business. OBVIOUSLY, I want him to have a long and healthy life, but can't he just be my baby forever?

No....? Crap.

It's outta control.

I can't believe that he's going to be 6 months next week....

In related news, I turned 29 recently. I was not a fan of turning 29.

Wasn't I supposed to accomplish a lot more? Aren't I supposed to be thinner and more successful?

30 is looming, and things are not the way I'd hoped for them to be.

Last year, we were here and oh yeah, here.

And while some things have changed, it's still a very familiar story except now we're throwing in a baby for extra character development.

It's scary and it's frustrating b/c I want my son to have a good life. I want my husband and I to have a good marriage. Which we do, but the last 2 years has been very hard for us. I don't think we've really had a moment yet to breathe-- to really relax and enjoy being a couple, and now, a family.

We're always trying to figure out how to get to the next step-holding our breath, b/c it feels like at any moment, the other shoe could drop.

I know that's a horrible way to live. I know we need to be grateful (we are) for what we do have.

There's just so much pressure to be "successful." To want more.

This got me thinking: What IS that, exactly?

According to the ever-pervasive "they," success is:
a well-paying salaried job, a nice home, a nice car, a Roth IRA and a 401K.

My husband works hard, gets paid by the hour.
We live in his parent's nice home.
He drives a Jetta that has over a 102 thousand miles on it and a constant check engine light blinking.
I think I may have a great-great grandfather named Ira.
I have friends who've run 5-10ks.

You can see why we feel a little second-class these days....

Butt on the flip side, I constantly try to remind myself of the progress we've made since moving in with the ILs, that perhaps won't recieve any kudos from "the them," but has been huge for us.

After both losing our jobs, my hubs has been at his for 3 years.
We were able to climb out of the red and move into black.
We're able to pay our bills in full every month.
We've drastically improved our credit that took a hit after being unemployed.
We're finally paying down our debt (slowly, but) successfully.
We actually have some money in savings. (!!!)
Most importantly, we've continued to grow in our marriage and we've welcomed a healthy, gorgeous son who we keep fed and cared for.

Why isn't that successful? Where's the respect for those triumphs?



We would LOVE to move out on our own. We dream of owning a home, of being debt-free of having a 401K, but for now, but we can only do so much.

I know that my 29th year is probably not going to be what I had envisioned, and the same will probably be said for my 30th year, but every day I will try to keep moving forward and be successful in my perseverance.

Even so, I know there will be days where I curse everything, cry, and rage against the wreckage that I feel my life has become, but who doesn't have those days?

Things WILL turn around.
(RIGHT?)

We will finally make enough money to get our own place.
We will be able to buy a new car.
We will be debt free.
We will get to the next step.

It might just not be as soon as we hoped. And that has to be okay.

Because:

We are better off than we were.
We are moving forward.
We are in this together.
We are good parents.
We are a FAMILY.


Being an adult is hard. Being okay with not being a "perfect adult" is even harder.

I'm thankful for all that I have. I think it's okay to want to achieve more.

BUT

I have a tendency to criticize my accomplishments that aren't all-encompassing, that don't fit squarely in to society's check list for a happy life.

I have to stop that, for the sake of myself and my family.


It's the little victories that usually add up to mean the most. I need to stop and celebrate them.

I hope your celebrate your own.