Saturday, July 9, 2011

Excused Absences.

So I haven't posted in over two weeks.

I also haven't really been on the internet in over two weeks.

Email, twitter, and blogs are often what make me feel sane and connected.
(and nope, I don't wanna know if you think that's sad.)

I have missed connecting and reading along with you all.

Where have I been?

It all started with a wedding...
Our good friend's brother was getting married, and because we knew they were on an almost non-existent budget, we offered to do their photos.

It was busy and HOT and stressful, but it was also beautiful and loving and perfect in its own way.

That was June 24th-25th.

I woke up on the 26th with a nasty cold.

I started taking the usual over-the-counter meds, drinking orange juice and sleeping.
and just kept getting worse....

But there was work to do!

I was feverishly trying to work through all the shots from the wedding, edit and put together an album so that I could get it and cds of the raw material to them as quickly as possible...

By the Friday before 4th of July, it was clear that I needed something stronger than Tropicana with a Tussin chaser.

Made an appt. with the doctor, since we now have Medi-Cal.

I go, and it's quickly ascertained that I have a respiratory infection.
But what ELSE do we ascertain?


Mmmmhmmm. Yep. Pregnant.

Well, THAT was unexpected.
I thought that birth control and I had an agreement.
Guess not so much.

I mean, YAAAAAY, a baby, but HOLLLLLY FUCK, my Huz hasn't got a job.

So far our searching hasn't yielded jack nor shit, but we ARE supposed to start getting unemployment next week, so that's a positive....

Of COURSE we want another child, but NOW?
It was a mixed bag of pure joy and utter terror...ha!

My husby was amazing.
Shocked, but happy and supportive. All the things you hope for.
My in-laws have also been amazing.
They are obviously stressed out and worried for us, but they are great.
I am so lucky to have them.

Then this Wednesday, I started cramping/bleeding.
My OB sent me to the ER.

My heart is sinking....

They ran blood work and did an ultrasound.

My pregnancy hormone levels are right where they should be, and they estimated that I was just about 5 weeks, which is really too early to get an accurate US, but there is a concern that the pregnancy is ectopic, because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries, and it needs to be confirmed that it's JUST a cyst-- not an implantation site.

The way I understand it, my hormone levels should be doubling every 2 days over the next couple of weeks, so if it does, that's a great sign, and they will do another US at 7-8 weeks.

If my hormones stagnate or plummet, than the pregnancy is not viable and they will take surgical action from there.

I had my second blood draw on Friday.
I find out the results on Monday.

I'm trying to keep a calm and brave face, but I'm really scared.

Despite our external circumstances, I want this baby so badly.

All of those "obstacles" have been pushed aside. 
All that matters now is that this is a healthy, normal pregnancy.

I don't want a 3rd miscarriage or and ectopic pregnancy.
I don't want someone to tell me that my child isn't "viable."

I'm trying to take solace in the fact that from what I've researched, ectopic pregnancies are rare AND, other than Wednesday, there hasn't been anymore cramping or bleeding.

They have me on bed rest until things are figured out.

I just want to celebrate, but I'm so scared.
I don't want my heart to be broken again.

Your support, love, prayers, crossed fingers, etc. would be and are, so appreciated.
I definitely need them that's for sure.

I will update as I know more.
Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hold on to hope.

Much Love.


Britt said...

WOW. 8o I will keep all appendages I can find crossed for you (right now, both Husb & I have our legs crossed--just for YOUS!). I want you to be happy, 1st and foremost, but if this lil' bugger doesn't want to stick around, you need to know you have in no way failed, nor has your bitty embryo. That whole "meant to be" shit (that never really feels comforting in the present, somehow...). Be happy. Be zen mama (if that's possible--HA!). If it sticks, it's all gonna work out alright. If it doesn't, it's all gonna work out alright. I have family members who are very much of the school of thought that "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle". Of course, as a result, they don't believe in birth control... and they think that Satan will send every single musical-loving gay to burn in Hell's eternal disco... but I like the "I can handle this because this is what's going down" principle, all the same, and I hope it can be of some service to you. *HUGSHUGSHUGS* Everyy thing's gonna be alriight, rockabye, rockabyeyiiii... ;) Keep me posted!

The Sweetest said...

Oh, Jayne- I am thinking of you! I have had two miscarriages, too, and I understand how hard it is to wait and see. I hope that this pregnancy is a healthy one. Let us know when you get your results!

Amelia said...

Thinking of you! Sending light and love!

Jen Has A Pen said...

I've not been a blog reader for long, but I started reading about the time your husband lost his job. :-( I am beyond sorry for those struggles and beyond hopeful that this pregnancy sustains and is healthy, happy, and without heartache. I will be thinking of you. (You may actually have the results of your blood draw by now today. Either way, I'm hoping for the best.

ockpalmer said...

Sooooooo not expecting that. Fingers crossed for you.

TK said...

Jayne: I saw your tweet update before I read this. You have been on my mind big time for the last week & a half or so & I'm so sorry I didn't listen to my gut & reach out to you. I had 4 miscarriages in a year. It never gets easier. There is a book I took great comfort from called "I'll hold you in heaven"
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you & sending hugs & a shoulder to cry on. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

im thinking of you my friend......
so much love.