Just Plain Jayne.: I Have Been a Mama for a LOng Time

Mother's Day has always been tough for me....

As a kid, I always hoped that Mother's day would be the day that my mom would see how much I loved her, and then she would like me.

Sometimes, briefly, I seemed to be successful, but it never lasted.

It was never enough.

As soon as I came of the age where I saw children in my future, Mother's Day was filled with anticipation...
Someday, I will be a mother.
Someday, I will treasure mementos of my own.
Someday, my children will know I like them.

After my first miscarriage, Mother's Day was just a reminder of nightmares.

I never really talked about it, because it was something that for a long time, I didn't share...
Alone in grief that even those closest to me didn't understand.

In 2006, when I had another miscarriage, I lost hope.

I could have been a mother, but I never would be.

The following Mother's Days were filled with tears and feeling of uselessness.

A mother without children, that was me.

When I got pregnant with O, I was terrified. At my first ultrasound, I was told that the pregnancy would probably not be viable.

Bereft didn't begin to cover it....

But I KNEW he was there.
We were going to have this baby.
I would not lose another...
(as if I have that kind of control, but hormones make you cuhraaaazzzy)

Two weeks later, at a follow-up appt., he showed up as strong as could be!

Mother's Day 2009 was amazing.
My husband showered me with gifts and affection.
Friends sent notes...
My Mother's Days had finally began!

Then someone laughed at me and said:

You're not a Mother yet! Next year, you can celebrate Mother's Day!

An unintentionally cruel blow...
Not a mother? But I've waited so long!

I found myself thinking about that comment as I woke up this last Sunday to celebrate with my boys...

It found myself all unsettled by that comment once again.
Why should it EVEN MATTER now?

Wait a FUCKING MINUTE.

I was a Mother, thank you.

There was a child growing in my belly that I loved more than life itself.
I was that child's Mother.
I would learn to be a Parent, but was already a Mother.

Which made me realize that all of the years I had spent passing each M Day, mourning my miscarriages, saying:

I could have been a Mother...

I already was.

Each pregnancy, to me, was a child I lost.
Even though our time together was short,

There were children growing in my belly that I loved more than life itself.
I was each child's Mother.
I never got to be their parent, but I was already their Mother.

That has helped me.
Helped me to feel less weak and foolish in my grief.

It has made the Mother's Days with my son all the more meaningful.

I've had two Mother's Days with my beautiful son.
And six others, with the children I lost before that.

Those days matter.
I was a mother.
I am a Mother.

I hope all my fellow Mamas got the love, support and Respect they so deserved this Mother's Day.

My day was lovely.