Deja-Effing-Vu All Over Again.

My Husband lost his job Wednesday night.

He was told that while he was an excellent worker with a great set of skills, he just wasn't the right "fit."

He was there for less than 6 months.
He had been told repeatedly that it was going to take a year for him to get fully comfortable in the position.

I guess they changed their minds and decided 4.5 months was long enough.

That would have been really excellent to know at the end of December when the Huz met with his boss and was assured that his progress was just fine and his job was secure.

On January 15th we celebrated his 1st big commission check.

February 15th, he came home without a job.

It feels unreal.


We just signed a 12 month lease last Friday night.

We were supposed to start our move, our fresh start, today.

So here we are, with a lease to break, no money coming in (he wasn't given severance, a final paycheck, nada), our insurance cancelled at the end of the month, and another baby on the way.

It seems like we were standing in this same spot (for the umpteenth time) at the end of May last year...

Oh, wait.

That's because we were.

Every time we think about unpacking all our our boxes to (continue to) stay at his parent's house, I start to cry and my husband looks like he's going to vomit.

We took a drive yesterday to talk about how to move forward, and we realized that, essentially?

We can't.

Even if he were to start a new job tomorrow, unless that job paid him double what he was making at his last job, the best we'll be able to hope for is to just go back to living paycheck to paycheck, scraping together our bills and living with his parents.

For the next 5 years.

And that's under the assumption that we don't go further into the hole during this current period of unemployment.

We (again) revisited my going back to work, but it's been four years, and my health is worse now than it was then. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not sure I could handle working 40 hrs a week again....

And as we discovered before, a child in full time daycare would cost the bulk of my paycheck. Two would most likely take the rest and then some.

Two working parents for one income?

Where's the gain in that?

I can't even begin to express how defeated/beat down we feel.

Yes, we have a roof over our heads, and yes, we have food in our stomachs, but none of it is OURS.

How long can we live here?

How long can we not even really make ends meet?

How long will it take to recover from this setback and what will be left when we do?


It may sound nihilist or overly dramatic, but as I've said before, it's about the money--the math.

If the numbers don't add up, then you can't solve the problem.

And beyond that, you can't just break even. 

There HAS to be a surplus.

Continually breaking even makes for no forward movement, and doesn't allow for any error.


The smallest of miscalculations send you straight back to the red.

This has been our lives for the last 5 years.

The debts keep rooting deeper and the stakes keep climbing higher.

We never thought our lives would be this way, that we'd be bringing two children into it....

Where the HELL did we go wrong?

More importantly--


How the FUCK do we get out of this cycle?

Not quite sure we even know how to breathe at this point.

Good News and Gambling?

Sorry this update is so late!
So so so sorry.


With the Huz being outta state for his Nana's funeral and both O and I contracting the plague-

Things have been a little hectic.

Oh, and we're moving.
In less than 2 weeks.
I think.

But I'll get to that...

The most important update is:

I am CANCER FREE!

Even the pre-cancerous cells have been down-graded from severe to mild.

The pregnancy will be able to continue along healthily as planned! Yay!

Honestly, for the first couple of days afterward, I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I kept waiting for them to call back saying there'd been a mistake...

My OB was shocked. He was fully expecting cancer. He's honestly still guarded, and will be checking my cervix every 2 months...

For now, I'm taking the news and running with it!

I feel like we can FINALLY get excited about this pregnancy.

What a concept!

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou again to everyone who sent love, encouragement, and prayers our way.

You guys are just frikken fantastic.

Ok, on to the move-

If you know me irl, or have read along for any decent length of time, you know that we live with my in-laws

What was supposed to be 4-6 months has managed to linger now for 3.5 years...

With a second child coming, we need to move. All parties agree.

The problem, as with most of life, is the math.

It doesn't add up.

With one income, two kids, a stack of bills and a pile of debt, our paychecks vaporize on contact.

Our one possible saving grace is that my Huz' job has the opportunity for commission.

His probationary period was over mid-December and he made his first commission in January.

That check alone was almost a month's worth of salary.

Right into savings it flew to add to the nest egg we're desperately attempting to build...

Great, right?

We thought it was, so we started seriously looking for apartments.

We've been searching on a preliminary basis for the past year almost, but this time, we actually started touring places...

We needed a 2bd, first floor unit, preferably with washer/dryer hookups.

And we needed to stay close to my in-laws because I can't drive and would occasionally need transportation...

As we live in SoCal and the ILs happen to live in a fairly affluent section therein, this was all adding up to A LOT of money.

We were about ready to resign ourselves to our fate when a good friend mentioned a move-in special at her complex...

They were offering a 2bd/2ba unit on the 1st floor WITH w/d hookups and a small patio for 300-400 bucks less a month than anywhere else we'd seen.

And they paid for several utilities...

We put a holding deposit down, but then Nana died and Husband flew out for the funeral.

Our hold was only good for 48hrs, and several other people were interested...

I was pretty sure we were screwed.
But, turns out?

They held it for us because they knew we were handling a family death.

Really?!

We found out on Friday that we were approved for the apt. and can move in on 2/18 if we so wish...

We were positively giddy.
I don't think either one of us expected to get the place--definitely NOT so quickly.

Hoooray!
Look at us!
We're moving!
Ahhh!

At this point, math reared it's ugly head and stopped us dead in our tracks...

We'd never make it work on our base salary alone.

Huzzle would HAVE to bring in a substantial amount of commission every month or we'd be effed.

Sigh.

We "knew" that, but it really slapped us in the face when signing a lease became an ACTUAL possibility.

But if we waited until we could live on just the base?

We'd be bunkin' with the 'rents for at least another 3 years...

As my MIL so eloquently put it:

"Ummm, no. None of us can handle that..."

Quite.

So we have to take a leap, and do our best to hit the ground running and make it work.

But is that smart? Is it the right thing to do?

We could stay another 6-12 months, in an attempt to save some more, but I don't think it would make a huge difference...

I also can't help but wonder how much harder it would be to move/transition after a new child is born?

Ugh.

I know in my gut (and also been confirmed by a trusted circle) that we just need to take the risk and do this-- if we don't we'll always find a reason to stay or why it's "not the right time" etc.

We need this.
For our marriage.
For our parenthood.

For our future and all of the momentum and confidence we've lost over the last few years.

But we're really fucking scared.

We don't want to make a huuuuge mistake and fail miserably.

Basically, we are terrified of 2007-08 happening all over again.

Job loss, economy crashing, financial implosion, oh my!

There isn't a nice, tidy solution to this like I want...and that's irritating.

This is a gamble no matter what, but it has to be one we take.

I'm so not good at this type of shit.

Wish us luck! Lots and lots of it!

Big money! Big money! Big moneeeeey!

Ha!

We make our final decision this Friday.
Gulp.