Not having the Internet is HARD.

How sad is that?

Wasn't there a time we lived with out it?
(I choose not to remember that dark, oppressive time....)

Our internet was down for 8-10 days. It was like an ETERNITY.

I do everrrrrrything on the computer.
Banking, Bills, Shopping, Correspondence, Photos, Calendars, etc.

Apparently, my whole life (and several relationships) are bound to the intertoooobs.

Again, SAD.

What happened to phone chats and powwows over coffee? Face-to-Face interaction?

Facebook, that's what happened.
{Well, and busy lives, but mostly Facebook}

But what did I do as soon as the World Wide Web was up and being world-widey?

I hopped onto Bofa, Gmail, Facebook, and Blogger, as fast as those little windows would load...

...And I felt like I'd been let back into civilization. I breathed DEEP.

I missed you guys.

(Judge me, it's okay.)

Telling you what to do!

(But in the nicest way...)

I have a million things I want to post about but I need to focus, so I limited myself to getting caught up on all the blogs I love.

I think you might love them too!


Here:
She's crafty, loves vintage, humorous, and seems like she'd be a lot of fun!

And here!
Comics, Husbands, common sense-what more do you need?

For others, roll on back to this post.

To all my Blendies--Thanks for keeping me entertained, and helping me to know that hey, I'm not as off the deep-end as I sometimes feel! Haha

For my Hubbadens. (He never checks his email, but checks my blog)

Dear Husband,

I know today was a really hard day.
I know your job is sucking out your soul.
I know that living with your parents has been a major blow to well, everything.
I know that you can't sleep at night because you worry about how we're ever going to make it.
I know you feel like we're stuck in a hole, always a dollar short.
I know that you dream of a house (hell, an apartment), a new car, a dog, another baby.
I know that you desperately need things to change.
I know you just want to provide.

I hope that you also know how grateful I am to have you as a husband. You take amazing care of me and of your son.

Even though it feels like all of your effort is for naught, remember, it's that effort that keeps our little family afloat. Every day that you get-up-and-do-it-all over-again is one more step closer to where we want to be. Yes, it's going much slower than we anticipated, but we are getting there, I promise!

I realize that can be hard to see as we agonize over every dime, sigh in defeat as we run the numbers AGAIN, only to see that it STILL isn't feasible to move out, and wrack ourselves with guilt any time we spend money on something that isn't "necessary".

Even with that being said, we have made progress, and by trudging through shit everyday, you were at the forefront of that happening.

The past few years have thoroughly kicked our asses, and that blows, but like I said in your b-day card yesterday: Your pre-thirties are going to be BAD ASS. :)


I'm so proud of you. I love you very, very much.

Always,

Wife

Things are only slightly different.

In honor of Mother's Day, I got to thinking about how much my son has changed my life...

It's beyond amazing. I love him so much, it sometimes hurts. Does anyone else experience that? It's a capacity that astounds me everyday.

He's made me a gentler, happier person. He's just awesome that way.

Other things have changed too.

I used to have at-home spa nights for myself.

Now?

I keep cleansing wipes by the toilet so I can run one over my face when I get a chance to pee.

[Speaking of which, I now know how to do with someone on my lap, and I usually pee with the door open--no shame.}

I used to enjoy long, hot showers and deep conditioning treatments.

Now?

I sometimes can't remember when was the last time I showered and I find myself wondering if my husband would really mind if I started using his Old Spice all-in-one hair/body wash for expediency.

I used to enjoy my meals, remembering to eat slowly, engaging in conversation.

Now?

I shovel it in like it's trying to run away from me. You never know when that window of opportunity might close. Eat fast, or don't eat.

I used to keep up on politics and current events.

Now?

Burt and Ernie's arguments over whether it's fun to sing or not is about as political as I get, and I'm lucky if I know what day it is.

I used to wear perfume and lipstick.

Now?

I smell like spit up and am covered in slobber. It's a good look.


I used to think: Sex? Why not? I'm on it! (No pun intended)

Now?

Sex? Why? I'm tired!
(Sorry, Honey.)


I used to roll out of bed at noon whenever given the chance and luxuriate in our big bed.

Now?

I wake up to the cutest toothless grin you've ever seen, and am continually surprised at the ability his tiny body has to take up a king-sized bed.

I wouldn't go back to my old life for a second (Okaaay, so maybe for 30 minutes. I miss having groomed eyebrows and exfoliating!)! All the sleepless nights, slobbery messes and stretch marks are worth it in such a profound way, I don't think it can be explained.

Being a Mommy has been a dream and life-goal of mine forever and having it come true has not disappointed.

I'm pretty sure my other dream of international pop-stardom would have.

[No joke, Career Day as a kid, I wanted to be Tiffany. Did anyone see her ungodly turn as an "actress" on SyFy? No? Just me? It's just as well.}

Oh, I forgot. I'm not allowed to...

Have a life.
Set boundaries.
Say no.
Stand up for myself.
Get respect.
Expect common courtesy.
Receive love unless I've earned it.


What brought on this tirade you ask?


Mother's Day.

I was very excited about this coming M-Day, it being my first official one and all...a day I have waited pretty much my whole freaking life for.

BUT, it was also the first M-day for my mom and my MIL as grandmothers. Exciting right?

I thought so.
So over a month ago, I set to planning.

I thought it would be awesome for us all to celebrate together.

My mother wanted to celebrate separately.
She gave me grief about the fact that she (or my siblings) never sees us and never sees the baby.

(forget the fact that we have tried and tried to go see her, but she's always "busy", and oh, what was that other thing? Oh yeah. I DON'T DRIVE.)

But despite logic, I felt the gnawing of guilt beginning.

So I tell her that we'll come up and spend the day with her, just tell me what day.

She hems and haws for weeks--she's busy, you know.

Finally, she decides on the Saturday of M-Day weekend. Great! Okay! All systems go!

Until I realize that my best friend/college roommate is graduating with her MA, and her celebration is on Saturday. The SAME Saturday. My brain had not previously put that together.

My bad.

So I call my Mom, apologize, explain and say that we can still come up but we won't be able to make it until the (she lives an hour away) evening. She says that's just fine!

Whew! Crisis averted!

Until I get a profanity-laden call from my sister in which she questions my humanity because I waited until the last minute to plan M-Day (apparently that's my sole responsibility even though my mother has 2 other children), AND I'm not spending the DAY of M-day with mom, but the completely unloving day before (never mind that it's also M-day for my MIL too, but that's crazy talk) which is just UNACCEPTABLE.

I explain to her that I had been trying to plan M-Day for over a month, and that our mother CHOSE Saturday.

This shut her up for a couple seconds, but amazingly, I was still the uber-bitch, because I didn't call and tell her that. When I tried to explain the phenomenon known as a two-way telephone, I was immediately shut down. Didn't I know that she was busy? Didn't I know that I had to make time for her?

What an abhorrent person I am, being busy with my husband and son.

But as we all know,as she so helpfully informed me--it’s not that hard to take care of a baby, anyway.

So after she hangs up on me, I call my mom.

I ask her why she didn't tell me she was upset. She denies it until I tell her that my sister called.

Then guess what happened? You'll NEVER guess...

Hey! That's right! It was all my fault again.

I've abandoned my family. It's my attitude that has degraded our relationship.

I do nothing but judge them and think I'm better than them.

My husband is mean to them.

I don't put forth enough effort to compromise with them.

I don't make enough of an effort to call or visit.

I shouldn't speak up when I feel like I'm being disrespected, because I just take things too personally.

I shouldn't say that I disapprove of the drug and/or alcohol use around me, or mention my worry over the legal issues that have resulted as a consequence of it, because who wants to be around someone who is always judging?

I shouldn't expect people to respect my choices or acknowledge my successes, because that's just me throwing things in people's faces.

And the key to it all:

I just need to accept people for who they are and let them say what they want to say, and do what they want to do because that is my duty as their family member and the only way I will ever have a relationship with them.

Suck it up, and put aside my own feelings, because they are all I will ever have. Even my husband won't always be there, because as I should fucking know, it won't last.

Silly me, what WAS I thinking?

I went off and forgot my place again.

I'm going to keep on forgetting, so brace yourselves.

I'm tired of being the bad guy, the asshole, the one who doesn't care about anybody, the one who is selfish and judgmental, simply because:

I no longer make them the center of my universe, dropping everything to do whatever they want me to, whenever they want me to.

I will not tolerate being insulted and disrespected any time I say no or disagree or choose to go a different path.

I won't stand for my husband being treated poorly because he sticks up for me or is protective of me. Guess what? It IS his business. As his wife and father of our son, what goes on with, or is said to us, is in fact, his business.

[And yes, there was a time we broke up. He didn't cheat on me or abuse me, he just got commitment cold feet for a short time. It happens. Get over it. We did. Stop using that as an excuse to treat him like dirt. It's a lame one.]

I will not bring my son around people who are under the influence of drugs and alcohol. That is my RIGHT as his mother. If that makes me judgy and superior, then so it shall be. I don't like being around it, so why the hell would I want my baby to be?

I will not apologize for making my own life and building a family with my husband. I have worked my ass off to get where I am today, and my husband and son are my priority. That is how it should be.

I have spent YEARS making an effort to be closer, to live up to expectations, to make everyone happy, to win over love and approval, to be what I was "supposed" to be, and I'm done. D-O-N-E.

There's no reciprocity, no respect, no compassion. Nothing EVER comes honestly-without motive or agenda.

Don't worry though, I'll probably still continue to second-guess myself

{Am I mean, uncaring, selfish, and judgmental? Do I expect too much? Am I not giving enough? What more could I have done to make it better?}

as life-long habits are hard to break, but I will slowly fade it out because I REFUSE to be manipulated any longer.

I have people in my life who love and support me unconditionally. That is enough.

I agree, that at the end of the day all you really have is your family but--

Blood is not the end-all of what makes a family.


Maybe someday, things can be different, but for now, I need to be different.



This will probably never be read by those it's directed at, and even if it WAS, it would fall of deaf-ly livid  ears.

But I had to get it out, you know?

A lot of hours, therapy and soul-searching have been spent on what to do with my relationships with certain members of my family--how to have one, frankly.

The conclusion that I have come to is that I can have one, but it won't be a healthy one. It won't be reciprocal or unconditional.

It'll have its good times, but ultimately it will just be another round in generational vicious cycle.

Years ago, I would have dove right in. I wanted to be loved and recognized so badly by my family, that I would gut myself on command. Occasionally, I would rebel against that, in an attempt to stand my ground, but after being hyper-villianized, I would feel so guilty and ashamed that I would do ANYTHING to make it better.

Through therapy and education, I started to see the abuse in those relationships, but was still willing to take it because, after all, they're family, right?

Then I met my husband. It dawned of me that if I ever wanted to have a family of my own, I had to get the HELL out of my family's whirling fuck-upedness.

When I got pregnant with our son that idea really crystallized, but yet there was this renewed sense of "maybe we can work it out," because a child brings out the hope in people-mostly though, it was me, as per the usual, second-guessing myself: "What kind of person wouldn't want her family around her son?"

So I tried. And tried. Made phone calls, visited, let them in to my life, my new family, my new self.

Ever hear the phrase, "same shit, different day?"
That's basically how it is.

It's how it's always been, now featuring an extra helping of passive-aggressiveness.

Yay!

And I am OVEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRR it.

I deserve better.

Even if I DIDN'T, my husband and son do.

They deserve better from me.


I know I can't cut them out completely (at least not until we flee the state), but we desperately need the emotional distance. After this, all my efforts cease.


We'll see how it goes.

It's important to clarify that I love my family very much, more than I think most people understand, but just because you love someone, doesn't always mean that you should surround yourself with them. Heredity is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for bad behavior. I don't care what anybody says.


Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow Mamas out there. Have a love-filled day.