Exhaustion and A Soapbox.

Guys?

I'm so tired.
Mind-numbingly so.

I forgot how exhausting it is for me (hell, most of us) to grow a tiny human.

Right before Christmas, everything was shiny, clean, and organized.

After the holiday and a week of guests, it looks like a bomb went off...

Piles like this are everywhere! 4 of 356

I need to get things back in order.
I need to put away dunes of laundry.
I need to scrub out the fridge before it starts taking hostages.

But.I.Just.Can't.

Just the basics of getting through the day with O saps all my energy.

He's fed, mostly clean (I kid) and loved, so I'm winning at life, right?

[Shout out to Disney Jr. and PBS for their supportive roles in this endeavor...ahem...]

Oh, Mickey...Thanks for inviting us to your clubhouse! 5 of 365

When he naps, I nap.
And keeping my eyes open after 9pm is quite the feat...

I miss my meds.

Aside from helping me manage the mental loops of depression, they were instrumental in managing the physical effects of not only depression, but of chronic illness/pain/fatigue.

Which I often feel are more damaging to my well-being then the mental side effects...

Quitting them cold-turkey has been a royal bitch.

The headaches alone...

But the thing I hate the most?
The way I'm treated off my meds...

(DISCLAIMER: it's not everyone and it's not all the time, but it's prevalent enough to be an established pattern)

Any emotion I have is typically treated as a farce.

It's that unspoken but CLEARLY stated attitude of:

"Pay no mind to her, she's off her meds."

Particularly if I'm upset about something...

Oh, we didn't actually hurt your feelings, disrespect your opinion, ignore your pain, or make you angry, you're just hormonal and unmedicated.


You poor thing, you.


Don't you worry though, we'll grin and bear it.

For you!

Well, isn't that fucking special.

I'm not mentally incompetent, people.
There is actual validity to my emotions.

Now, I will be the first to admit that off my meds and dependent on my level of stress, my patience wears thinner and my temper fuse is shorter, but the biggest thing that changes is my ability to  
smile and fake it.

I completely lose that ability to diplomatically sidestep and do-si-do around bullshit.

 I'm not trying to be a Negative Nelly, nor I am I trying to make anyone else uncomfortable/sad/whathaveyou. I'm just trying to
Deal with the reality of my life.
by being honest about it. 
Frank, even.


I get that my reality may be scary to some folks, or make others uncomfortable--
I try really hard to be aware of that, and do my best to compensate, but I don't always have it in me.

It's not very easy for me to pretend like everything is peachy when it's clearly not.



It takes a lot of fucking effort when I'm already trying to keep it together in a million other ways.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty because I don't want to burden anyone.

Here's the thing though-

I should be able to be honest about my struggles and I should be able to ask for help.

More importantly, I deserve genuine respect and compassion when I do so...

Maybe I am a bit more blunt and a little less pliable than usual, but if you were dealing with another high-risk pregnancy (your 5th), pregnancy nausea, a busy 2-yr-old, a possibility of cancer, financial worries, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, hormone injections that give you dizziness and hot flashes, AND the effects of depression, I'd bet good money that you wouldn't be too full of roses and sunshine either.

And just because I'm unmedicated, and therefore less able to filter-- doesn't mean that someone hasn't legitimately been less than awesome.

Sigh.

This is (HOPEFULLY) going to be a loooong pregnancy.

Again.

I need some ice cream.





Nooo....I am so NOT eating my feelings!

It's for the BABY.
;)

Now I'm gonna go do like the cool toddlers do and NAP.

If you listen closely, you can hear the piles growing....the laundry is particularly prolific.  Day 6 of 365

I've Been Holdin' Out on Ya...

Sooooooo, I'm pregnant.

I had a feeling that I was a week or so before Thanksgiving, but I was afraid to even hope given this last summer...

But by Black Friday--I just couldn't take it, so we went to CVS and got a 3 pack of tests.

All immediate positives.

Doctor's office: POSITIVE

Yaaaaay, right?


YES!
 

Then my OBGYN called to tell me that my ovaries weren't functioning normally so my hormone levels (progesterone) were really low and I could, because of that, potentially lose the baby at any time.

Well, Fuuuuuck.

So I started taking hormone injections twice a day in order to keep shit on the level.

They worked!

I would have to continue taking said hormones for the duration of the 1st Trimester.
After that point, my uterus would be primed enough to take over...

Okay, fine!
According to my math, that only left me with like 2.5 weeks to go!
Not too shabby!

And THEN.....

My OBGYN called again.
To tell me that my Pap came back abnormal.
He has some concerns...
Wants to biopsy....

Have I ever mentioned that my mother had Cervical and Ovarian Cancer?

That she had a hysterectomy at 34?
That I'm TERRIFIED that it will happen to me too?

Yeeeeah.

I have an appt. with him on the 19th to discuss options, as it's dangerous to biopsy a pregnant woman's cervix...

He's hoping it's a false positive, as am I.
Or that it's pre-cancerous, and can be treated after I give birth.

If it IS in fact CANCER, then I have to terminate the pregnancy.

But you know what?

Fuck that noise.

I'm not even gonna go there.
I can't.

I'm just going to focus on trying to have the healthiest pregnancy possible, and not completely go off the deep-end, because I had to stop my meds cold turkey....

(it's been rough)


Today (1-3-12), I went in for my 1st ultrasound.

Everything looks good, and the heartbeat is strong BUT I'm only measuring 9 weeks.

I immediately panicked, thinking that OBVIOUSLY that meant that there was something wrong with the baby...

Then my neonatal specialist calmly informed me that maaaaaybe my math was just off...

Well.
There's that...

There's Someone in THERE! Day 3 of 365

Ahem.

However--

I am a bit (Read: a lot) stressed  because I thought we were hitting 12 weeks today which would mean we were outta the woods as far as major miscarriage territory is concerned, AND I thought my hormone situation was just about wrapped up....

Nope!

Also?

We told our family over Xmas, because we thought we were further along...I feel like if we miscarry again, we'll let everyone down.

I know.
Crazy talk, I KNOW.

I want to be ovvvver-the-moooooon excited and I am, but I'm scared.
Really scared.

This is my fifth pregnancy, kids.
This one has to stick.
I can't do this again.

It's too fucking hard--
Mentally
Physically
EMOTIONALLY.

This will be our last go.
It breaks my heart, but I feel like it's the right decision.
Mostly for the sake of my sanity.

Not to mention, if Cancer is on the table-- a hysterectomy is too, so my fertility will be taken from me anyway...

But as I said before, I can't go there yet.

I just keep trying to live in the positives, and hope.

Because there isn't a damn thing I can do but what I'm already doing.
It's gonna all unfold that way it chooses to.

Maybe I'll like it, maybe I won't.

But for now, there's a strong little heartbeat in my belly, and a beautiful little boy snoring away in his big boy bed, so I'm hanging on to that today.

I almost wasn't going to go public with the news, but then I realized that I didn't want to do this alone.

Good, bad or ugly (or a combination therein), I'm going to need support through this season of my life.

It warms my soul in a way I can't describe to know that I will have that support here in this space and community--all I have to do is ask.

I started this blog to document O's pregnancy, definitely as more of a narrative to myself (and what a mess that was, ha!),  and it's grown into such a part of me, so this little bloggy-that-could is definitely coming 'round full circle in its own quirky way....

Thanks for hanging out with me.

Much Love.

Day 2 and Already You're Jackin' up my PROGRAM...

I've been really stressed out this holiday season, for many reasons (I'll cover those later...)

but a big one?
Because holidays are frikken expensive.

The food
The traveling
The decor
The parties
The PRESENTS.
My FIL's Bday
My Brother's Bday...

No matter how much I try to enact a "no gifts" edict, it NEVER works.
Simple and homemade?
Nope!

I'm always over budget.
Sometimes by a little, but often by a lot....

So, I was looking forward to January 1st.

Holidays are OVAH annnnnd:
New Year, NEEEEEW Paycheck!

Except notsomuch....

My Huz gets paid on the 1st and the 15th of the month, with the exception of those falling on a weekend/holiday.

Then he gets paid the closest day before.
Makes sense, right?

We have Direct Deposit, so we always get a check stub, but not the actual check...

EasyPeasyLemonFuckingSqueezy.

Apparently?

It's DifficultDiffucultLemonDIFFICULT....

Our stub came on on the 29th...I assumed that the DD would transfer into our account at 12am on the 30th.

No.

Okay, the 31st then!

Noo.

The 1st? A Sunday?


SHIT.


Alriiiight, the 2nd it is! Yay!


NOT A CHANCE.


Ummmmmmm.
What the hell?


We have bills that were due as of the first....


Also? they took our insurance premiums out for December and January.

Uhhhh-Our Insurance didn't take effect til yesterday.


Reallllly?!!!

Is this how we're gonna start, 2012?

Poor form. sir. Poor Form!




 

It mocks me... Day 2 of 365

2012: The Fuuuuuutuuuuurrrre!

Is anyone else struck by how future-y twenty-twelve sounds?


No? Just me?

Okay, then.
Moving swiftly along....


I have a lot to say about 2011, and about my hopes for 2012, but for now, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!

Greetings from the FUTURE!!! We go to bed at 10pm.

Also? I'm finally gonna give the foto365 venture a go. Mostly as motivation to blog at least in some small way (probably via mah shiiiiny new iPhone),  on a daily basis.

Think I can do it?

Day 1 of 365!

Starting Over?

When you start blogging/tweeting/etc., it takes awhile to get into a good rhythm, to figure it all out and set up your internet life....it took me forfuckingever.

And just as I felt like I was really hitting my stride, life intervened.

If you read this blog regularly (as I know all of you DO, of course, ahem.), then you know that this spring/summer for us was kinda shitastic...

I shut down for a while and hid from life.
I went through the motions of day-to-day routines, but I wasn't all there.

I stopped blogging, I stopped tweeting, I stopped reading, I stopped connecting.

The longer I did it, the more guilty I felt.

So like a child, I just hid even deeper under the bed.

I felt like I had let people down.

There are people that will read this and think:

For fuck's sake, lady. It's JUST the internet.

Not for me.

These "silly" social media outlets have become a community of friends, a place of accountability, a form of therapy, and a challenge of authenticity.

I do indeed have a real life and real friends, outside of my web-self, but real life and real friendships happen on the these digital fields as well, sometimes even more so, if that makes any sense.

So by not keeping up with this part of my life, by not contributing to it, and to the people who are in it, I feel like I have been a poor friend, and an irresponsible blogger.

I'm sorry. I really am.


Trying to come back is proving harder than I thought...
but I'm working on it.


Depression has been a big factor, but I gave in and upped my dose, and am feeling much better.

Although I recieved a letter today that my Medi-Cal will terminate on the 20th.
Sigh.
Always something....

Our miscarriage is still haunting me a bit, and every time I get my period I tear up, but the pain is beginning to ease in it's own way...

All you can do is look forward, right?
 
Life is settling in that with Huz's new job we can finally pay our bills, but crazy in that his hours and travel have put us on on a whole new schedule.

O is two now (can you believe it?!), and is a wild thing.
He keeps me running from sun up to sundown...literally. And then some.

Highlights?

He's decided that everything in the household should be spread out on every inch of the floor, that the refrigerator is good place to just sit and chill (pun intended), has finally escaped from the confines of his crib, and sees a diaper change as guerrilla warfare.

It's a party.

He's so cute though, it's unreal. And smart.
Daddy and I don't stand a CHANCE.

Huzzy's job is going well, and we are slowly cleaning up some of our financial debris.
I say slowly because money keeps finding a way to fly out of our asses...

This week?
A computer monitor meltdown and a tire blow out.
Oh, mmmhmm. Joy.

STILL, we're getting a regular paycheck, which is nothing to shake a stick at....

We're hoping to move out of the in-laws house in the next 6 months or so.
It's time.
It's BEEN time.

We'll see if we can pull it off.
We pretty much feel like this is a "Hell-or-High-Water" kind of situation.

Have I ever mentioned that Southern CA is disgustingly expensive?
Yeah, about that...
Ugggh.

I've really missed you all.
I've missed sharing in your lives.
I've missed all this community brings to mine.

Thank you.

I hope I find my place again.

Jaaaaay! Ohhhhh! Beeeeeeeee!

Huz got the job!
I'm so excited, you'd think I got the job or something...psssht!

He starts on the 19th.

To celebrate, we had lunch at Jack in the Box.
(I know, living the dreeeeaaaam.....)

We're both nervous though, as this is a very different position for him, as it is ALL sales.
He's had sales jobs before, but this takes it to a different level.

We were kinda skeptical about sales jobs in the beginning, because we've both experienced the seedier side of sales, and the hell that is working for commission-only....shudder...


BUT, this company is reputable, established and is NOT comm-only.

Pay is salaried plus commission, so we can live with that.
Also? The base pay is more than he was making before and they offer benefits.
Yippee!

He gets a gas stipend, work laptop/phone (a smart one, even!) too!. 
Faaaaancy.

He'll be working much longer hours than he was before, like 60 hrs a week (but as we all know, it's hard to get anywhere career-wise working only 40)  and for the first 30 to 90 days he'll have to commute from Rancho to Burbank every day....kinda gross, right?

But, hey! It's a paycheck! A glorious, steady paycheck!

Still, it'll be a tough transition. For all of us.
Especially with Huz having been home for the last 4 months.

We will adjust though (like you do), and be fine, I'm sure.
 Please keep us in your thoughts as we do all this easy-breezy adjusting though, kay? Thanks!

We are over-the-freaking-moon...
Hopeful that maybe this will be the start of some good things for our family.
We could really use some good things...

HUGE THANKS to all of you who've cheered us on, sent us job links, and were generally awesome in our lives! It means a lot, and your support is invaluable!

Much love!

Annnd, The Kitchen Sink.

Where have I been lately?

I'm not sure.

How am I doing?

Not sure about that either.

I've just been at home, mostly.

Cleaning.
Organizing.
Sorting.
Purging.

As if my life depended on it.
I think maybe it did, actually....

We had family come visit from TX and then we had more family visit from WV.

It was good to see them--to channel all of my focus into the craziness that goes along with prepping for house-guests.

With everything clean and no more guests on the docket until Christmas, I'm kinda at a loss as to what to do with myself.

I don't want to be sad and depressed, but I am.

Some days, I think that I'm doing great, but then if I stop and take in the quiet, I know that I'm not.

Whenever I pass a pregnant belly, I feel the distinct barrenness of my own. 


Doesn't that sound so tragically melodramatic?
Uggh. It sooooo does.
But there really isn't an apter way to describe it.

This was the most drawn-out miscarriage I've had yet.
Awesome, I know.

I just. kept. bleeding.
My hormone levels would NOT go down.

To say that it sucked would be missing the point entirely.

I wasn't in the clear until about 2 weeks ago...
I'm so glad it's fucking over.

In related, news, I think I need to up the dosage on my meds...

Sigh.


The Huz is still unemployed, and we've had to do all kinds of battle with unemployment--to the degree that we have a court hearing with them on the 14th, BUT, he had a very positive interview yesterday, and he'll have his final interview with the company next week, so we've got our fingers crossed extra tight.

My little baby is almost 2.
WTF, people?
Isn't my section scar still healing?

How did this happen?
Yes, I want him to grow up and develop healthily and blah, blah, blah, but 2? Already?
It's almost too much.

He says his ABCs and their phonetic sounds, he counts to 10 forward and backwards (we've almost got 11-20 down), he knows his letters and numbers in and out of context, he's pretty much got all his basic colors, and if you ask him his name he spells it out for you. His vocab has finally exploded, and he says about 100 words.
But his most phenomenal development?

He says Mama! 
Loudly and with glee!

Yes. I'm being proud and braggy.
No. I am not sorry.
Ha!

I'm taking the easy way out on his birthday party this year and having it somewhere else, where they provide everything.  He loves it there, so I don't feel guilty about it.

We're having his party early too, because of my IL's travel schedule, so I need to start working on invites...
Yikes.

The Huz and I are trying to come up with a solid 5 year plan, but so far it's still just a title on the chalkboard.
I don't know if y'all knew this, but as it turns out, 5 year plans require funding....a baseline budget to formulate said plan around.

Who'da thunk, huh?

Since we can't do much more than we're already doing about that, we're trying to channel our energies into more procreative, errr, I mean productive activities by trying to revive our deathbed of a sex life.

If you would have told me when we first started  our sex life together that by the time we hit 30 it would be all kinds of  flat-lining, I would have laughed at you.

Sure, things may slow a bit, but dead?
Nay!

But then things like living with your ILs and crumbling economics and children and miscarriages and stress come into play....

All of the sudden, the only reason you'd blow someone is if they agreed put away the laundry and take the baby for the day so you could nap, and even then you're not so sure because no one puts the laundry away correctly but you anyhow...

Am I right?

I sooooo am, kids. Take heed, young'uns!


It's hard getting back into sexy mode.
I am not sexy.
I am exhausted and covered in applesauce.

My husband is stressed and his shoulder hurts from wrestling with O.

Passionate Naked Time, this does not make.

But we are trying to work it!!

We used to be hot, damn it!
(Well, my hubs is still pretty sexy, actually.)


In an effort to be a team player, I even put my barbells in.
I took them out when O was born because I wanted to breastfeed, but we all remember how WELL that went....

You should have seen my DH's face.
It was like a kid on Christmas morning.

Thank G-d love is blind.

Also?

I'm thinking about getting bangs.


What? 

I like to end on a thoughtful note....

Bangs? Yea or Nay? And have you ever seen such an ADORABLE genius? I think not!