Day 2 and Already You're Jackin' up my PROGRAM...

I've been really stressed out this holiday season, for many reasons (I'll cover those later...)

but a big one?
Because holidays are frikken expensive.

The food
The traveling
The decor
The parties
The PRESENTS.
My FIL's Bday
My Brother's Bday...

No matter how much I try to enact a "no gifts" edict, it NEVER works.
Simple and homemade?
Nope!

I'm always over budget.
Sometimes by a little, but often by a lot....

So, I was looking forward to January 1st.

Holidays are OVAH annnnnd:
New Year, NEEEEEW Paycheck!

Except notsomuch....

My Huz gets paid on the 1st and the 15th of the month, with the exception of those falling on a weekend/holiday.

Then he gets paid the closest day before.
Makes sense, right?

We have Direct Deposit, so we always get a check stub, but not the actual check...

EasyPeasyLemonFuckingSqueezy.

Apparently?

It's DifficultDiffucultLemonDIFFICULT....

Our stub came on on the 29th...I assumed that the DD would transfer into our account at 12am on the 30th.

No.

Okay, the 31st then!

Noo.

The 1st? A Sunday?


SHIT.


Alriiiight, the 2nd it is! Yay!


NOT A CHANCE.


Ummmmmmm.
What the hell?


We have bills that were due as of the first....


Also? they took our insurance premiums out for December and January.

Uhhhh-Our Insurance didn't take effect til yesterday.


Reallllly?!!!

Is this how we're gonna start, 2012?

Poor form. sir. Poor Form!




 

It mocks me... Day 2 of 365

2012: The Fuuuuuutuuuuurrrre!

Is anyone else struck by how future-y twenty-twelve sounds?


No? Just me?

Okay, then.
Moving swiftly along....


I have a lot to say about 2011, and about my hopes for 2012, but for now, I just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year!!!

Greetings from the FUTURE!!! We go to bed at 10pm.

Also? I'm finally gonna give the foto365 venture a go. Mostly as motivation to blog at least in some small way (probably via mah shiiiiny new iPhone),  on a daily basis.

Think I can do it?

Day 1 of 365!

Starting Over?

When you start blogging/tweeting/etc., it takes awhile to get into a good rhythm, to figure it all out and set up your internet life....it took me forfuckingever.

And just as I felt like I was really hitting my stride, life intervened.

If you read this blog regularly (as I know all of you DO, of course, ahem.), then you know that this spring/summer for us was kinda shitastic...

I shut down for a while and hid from life.
I went through the motions of day-to-day routines, but I wasn't all there.

I stopped blogging, I stopped tweeting, I stopped reading, I stopped connecting.

The longer I did it, the more guilty I felt.

So like a child, I just hid even deeper under the bed.

I felt like I had let people down.

There are people that will read this and think:

For fuck's sake, lady. It's JUST the internet.

Not for me.

These "silly" social media outlets have become a community of friends, a place of accountability, a form of therapy, and a challenge of authenticity.

I do indeed have a real life and real friends, outside of my web-self, but real life and real friendships happen on the these digital fields as well, sometimes even more so, if that makes any sense.

So by not keeping up with this part of my life, by not contributing to it, and to the people who are in it, I feel like I have been a poor friend, and an irresponsible blogger.

I'm sorry. I really am.


Trying to come back is proving harder than I thought...
but I'm working on it.


Depression has been a big factor, but I gave in and upped my dose, and am feeling much better.

Although I recieved a letter today that my Medi-Cal will terminate on the 20th.
Sigh.
Always something....

Our miscarriage is still haunting me a bit, and every time I get my period I tear up, but the pain is beginning to ease in it's own way...

All you can do is look forward, right?
 
Life is settling in that with Huz's new job we can finally pay our bills, but crazy in that his hours and travel have put us on on a whole new schedule.

O is two now (can you believe it?!), and is a wild thing.
He keeps me running from sun up to sundown...literally. And then some.

Highlights?

He's decided that everything in the household should be spread out on every inch of the floor, that the refrigerator is good place to just sit and chill (pun intended), has finally escaped from the confines of his crib, and sees a diaper change as guerrilla warfare.

It's a party.

He's so cute though, it's unreal. And smart.
Daddy and I don't stand a CHANCE.

Huzzy's job is going well, and we are slowly cleaning up some of our financial debris.
I say slowly because money keeps finding a way to fly out of our asses...

This week?
A computer monitor meltdown and a tire blow out.
Oh, mmmhmm. Joy.

STILL, we're getting a regular paycheck, which is nothing to shake a stick at....

We're hoping to move out of the in-laws house in the next 6 months or so.
It's time.
It's BEEN time.

We'll see if we can pull it off.
We pretty much feel like this is a "Hell-or-High-Water" kind of situation.

Have I ever mentioned that Southern CA is disgustingly expensive?
Yeah, about that...
Ugggh.

I've really missed you all.
I've missed sharing in your lives.
I've missed all this community brings to mine.

Thank you.

I hope I find my place again.

Jaaaaay! Ohhhhh! Beeeeeeeee!

Huz got the job!
I'm so excited, you'd think I got the job or something...psssht!

He starts on the 19th.

To celebrate, we had lunch at Jack in the Box.
(I know, living the dreeeeaaaam.....)

We're both nervous though, as this is a very different position for him, as it is ALL sales.
He's had sales jobs before, but this takes it to a different level.

We were kinda skeptical about sales jobs in the beginning, because we've both experienced the seedier side of sales, and the hell that is working for commission-only....shudder...


BUT, this company is reputable, established and is NOT comm-only.

Pay is salaried plus commission, so we can live with that.
Also? The base pay is more than he was making before and they offer benefits.
Yippee!

He gets a gas stipend, work laptop/phone (a smart one, even!) too!. 
Faaaaancy.

He'll be working much longer hours than he was before, like 60 hrs a week (but as we all know, it's hard to get anywhere career-wise working only 40)  and for the first 30 to 90 days he'll have to commute from Rancho to Burbank every day....kinda gross, right?

But, hey! It's a paycheck! A glorious, steady paycheck!

Still, it'll be a tough transition. For all of us.
Especially with Huz having been home for the last 4 months.

We will adjust though (like you do), and be fine, I'm sure.
 Please keep us in your thoughts as we do all this easy-breezy adjusting though, kay? Thanks!

We are over-the-freaking-moon...
Hopeful that maybe this will be the start of some good things for our family.
We could really use some good things...

HUGE THANKS to all of you who've cheered us on, sent us job links, and were generally awesome in our lives! It means a lot, and your support is invaluable!

Much love!

Annnd, The Kitchen Sink.

Where have I been lately?

I'm not sure.

How am I doing?

Not sure about that either.

I've just been at home, mostly.

Cleaning.
Organizing.
Sorting.
Purging.

As if my life depended on it.
I think maybe it did, actually....

We had family come visit from TX and then we had more family visit from WV.

It was good to see them--to channel all of my focus into the craziness that goes along with prepping for house-guests.

With everything clean and no more guests on the docket until Christmas, I'm kinda at a loss as to what to do with myself.

I don't want to be sad and depressed, but I am.

Some days, I think that I'm doing great, but then if I stop and take in the quiet, I know that I'm not.

Whenever I pass a pregnant belly, I feel the distinct barrenness of my own. 


Doesn't that sound so tragically melodramatic?
Uggh. It sooooo does.
But there really isn't an apter way to describe it.

This was the most drawn-out miscarriage I've had yet.
Awesome, I know.

I just. kept. bleeding.
My hormone levels would NOT go down.

To say that it sucked would be missing the point entirely.

I wasn't in the clear until about 2 weeks ago...
I'm so glad it's fucking over.

In related, news, I think I need to up the dosage on my meds...

Sigh.


The Huz is still unemployed, and we've had to do all kinds of battle with unemployment--to the degree that we have a court hearing with them on the 14th, BUT, he had a very positive interview yesterday, and he'll have his final interview with the company next week, so we've got our fingers crossed extra tight.

My little baby is almost 2.
WTF, people?
Isn't my section scar still healing?

How did this happen?
Yes, I want him to grow up and develop healthily and blah, blah, blah, but 2? Already?
It's almost too much.

He says his ABCs and their phonetic sounds, he counts to 10 forward and backwards (we've almost got 11-20 down), he knows his letters and numbers in and out of context, he's pretty much got all his basic colors, and if you ask him his name he spells it out for you. His vocab has finally exploded, and he says about 100 words.
But his most phenomenal development?

He says Mama! 
Loudly and with glee!

Yes. I'm being proud and braggy.
No. I am not sorry.
Ha!

I'm taking the easy way out on his birthday party this year and having it somewhere else, where they provide everything.  He loves it there, so I don't feel guilty about it.

We're having his party early too, because of my IL's travel schedule, so I need to start working on invites...
Yikes.

The Huz and I are trying to come up with a solid 5 year plan, but so far it's still just a title on the chalkboard.
I don't know if y'all knew this, but as it turns out, 5 year plans require funding....a baseline budget to formulate said plan around.

Who'da thunk, huh?

Since we can't do much more than we're already doing about that, we're trying to channel our energies into more procreative, errr, I mean productive activities by trying to revive our deathbed of a sex life.

If you would have told me when we first started  our sex life together that by the time we hit 30 it would be all kinds of  flat-lining, I would have laughed at you.

Sure, things may slow a bit, but dead?
Nay!

But then things like living with your ILs and crumbling economics and children and miscarriages and stress come into play....

All of the sudden, the only reason you'd blow someone is if they agreed put away the laundry and take the baby for the day so you could nap, and even then you're not so sure because no one puts the laundry away correctly but you anyhow...

Am I right?

I sooooo am, kids. Take heed, young'uns!


It's hard getting back into sexy mode.
I am not sexy.
I am exhausted and covered in applesauce.

My husband is stressed and his shoulder hurts from wrestling with O.

Passionate Naked Time, this does not make.

But we are trying to work it!!

We used to be hot, damn it!
(Well, my hubs is still pretty sexy, actually.)


In an effort to be a team player, I even put my barbells in.
I took them out when O was born because I wanted to breastfeed, but we all remember how WELL that went....

You should have seen my DH's face.
It was like a kid on Christmas morning.

Thank G-d love is blind.

Also?

I'm thinking about getting bangs.


What? 

I like to end on a thoughtful note....

Bangs? Yea or Nay? And have you ever seen such an ADORABLE genius? I think not!

3 Isn't Always a Magic Number.

As soon as I heard my OB's tone, I knew it wasn't good news.

I think I hit the floor before I finished hanging up the call.

It was 3:15 in the afternoon on a Monday and someone was telling me that I would lose my baby.

It just didn't seem fair.
But life is not fair.
Life just is.

I had tried to steel myself for bad news, because as soon as I had  started spotting, I KNEW.
I didn't want to believe it, but I knew.
This was not my first time at the rodeo...

Everyone sent me such encouraging anecdotes and shared personal stories of spotting while pregnant that I wrapped myself up in them and prayed that they would be enough to stop what I felt coming.

I pictured what it would be like to have another child in the house.
What O would be like as a big brother.
The 4 of us as a family.

It was too early to get so excited, to plan, but I guess I hoped that might keep the bad at bay...

But as these things do, it came anyway.
And I shut down.

I crawled into bed and didn't get out for over a week.
Didn't answer my phone, or check my email.
I didn't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.

I just laid in bed.
Sometimes sleeping, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring at the walls.

I felt completely empty.

I kept trying to get angry, so that at least I could feel something other than the overwhelmingly sad emptiness, but there wasn't anything/anyone to be angry with.

It wasn't my fault, or anyone elses'.
I could get angry at G-d, but even that seemed useless.
As I'm not even sure there  is a G-d, it seemed silly to direct anger that way.

Besides, if there is one, and I actually hope there is, I doubt he gets his jollies from ripping children away from my womb....

Just a theory.

I think this miscarriage was harder than the other two because I have O.
You would think that having a child would soften the blow, but for me, that made it all the more intense...

Because I know what it's like now.
To feel that child grow to full-term.
To birth that child.
To hold him.
To watch him grow.

I didn't have the knowledge/gift of that the first two times.
Now I do.

So the hurt is deeper.
Because I could see the life of this child unfold in my mind's eye.
I could feel her tiny little hands in mine.
(in all my dreams, the baby was always a girl)

Instead, she is gone...or to some, never was.


Eventually the sorrow gave way to guilt.
Guilt for being a bad wife.
Guilt for being a neglectful mother.
Guilt for being a selfish woman.

My husband had lost something too, yet I couldn't move to comfort him.
My son needed his mommy, but after a couple hours with him, I had to retreat back to my tears.
There are women out there who've yet to conceive, those who've had stillbirths, who've buried their infants--

Who am I to wallow in pain?
I should be grateful, right?

I am, and I'm not, I suppose....

I am eternally gratefully for my son.
But I want another child, desperately.

My husband has told me every day since we lost:
We will try again, We will have another baby.
Will we? Can we? I hope so. I have to hope.

I keep hanging on to that.
But I keep asking myself:

Is it wrong? Shouldn't I just be grateful to have one? Shouldn't one be enough?

Sigh.

At this moment, it's not.

I am grieving for the loss of not just this child, but of the others before it.
3 children I will never get to hold.

I cling to the fact that I am blessed to be a part of a little family of 3...
but still I'm yearning to become 4.





Thank you to all of you who called/texted/messaged/tweeted me, and even went the extra step and called the Huz.  You guys are so genuinely lovely and compassionate. I am so appreciative and lucky to have each of you. Your words of love, understanding and encouragement helped me to feel less alone.


Thank you to my husband who knew I needed to retreat for awhile and never made me feel bad for it. Thank you for holding me up and keeping me out of complete darkness. You are such a good man/father, and I am lucky to have you.


Thank you to my in-laws, who are like true parents to me.



As for the days ahead, I have no idea....
Some days I feel good, and other days I want to crawl back into my hole.

There has been an issue this entire time with my hormone levels rising rather than dropping, so I keep having to go into my OB's office for blood draws every couple of days to monitor the situation.

He's really trying to avoid doing a D and C, which I agree with, but walking into his office is torture. It digs at the wound a little bit more each time.

The bleeding doesn't help either. Each trip to the restroom is another glaring reminder of what ISN'T.

My levels have finally started going down, so hopefully today was the last blood draw. If the results come back not at zero, they'll schedule the D and C.

In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my focus on getting back on track with just day-to day life.

Which has mostly involved a lot of cleaning and laundry, and oddly, paperwork.
(That and the 2 hrs it took to go through my 3 email inboxes...)

My husband is a beautifully loving and compassionate man...

But he is a shit housekeeper.
Piles of laundry, trash, toys, mail, bills, Oh, MY.

It was a HOT MESS up in our living space.

I don't know how things can get so out of control in 2 weeks, but they can....let me tell you, they CAN.

Normally, I would have been majorly pissed, but it gave me something to do, you know?

Thankfully for his sake and my sanity, things are finally back to normal, and clean.

Although, I can still feel that empty space that grows a tiny bit bigger each time...
That piece of silent space that will stay with me always.
...and never fails to hurt whenever I stumble into it.

Excused Absences.

So I haven't posted in over two weeks.
Yeesh.

I also haven't really been on the internet in over two weeks.
BIG YEESH.

Email, twitter, and blogs are often what make me feel sane and connected.
(and nope, I don't wanna know if you think that's sad.)


I have missed connecting and reading along with you all.

Where have I been?

It all started with a wedding...
Our good friend's brother was getting married, and because we knew they were on an almost non-existent budget, we offered to do their photos.

It was busy and HOT and stressful, but it was also beautiful and loving and perfect in its own way.

That was June 24th-25th.

I woke up on the 26th with a nasty cold.

I started taking the usual over-the-counter meds, drinking orange juice and sleeping.
and just kept getting worse....

But there was work to do!

I was feverishly trying to work through all the shots from the wedding, edit and put together an album so that I could get it and cds of the raw material to them as quickly as possible...

By the Friday before 4th of July, it was clear that I needed something stronger than Tropicana with a Tussin chaser.

Made an appt. with the doctor, since we now have Medi-Cal.

I go, and it's quickly ascertained that I have a respiratory infection.
But what ELSE do we ascertain?

That I'm PREGNANT.

Mmmmhmmm. Yep. Pregnant.

Well, THAT was unexpected.
I thought that birth control and I had an agreement.
Guess not so much.

I mean, YAAAAAY, a baby, but HOLLLLLY FUCK, my Huz hasn't got a job.

So far our searching hasn't yielded jack nor shit, but we ARE supposed to start getting unemployment next week, so that's a positive....

Of COURSE we want another child, but NOW?
It was a mixed bag of pure joy and utter terror...ha!

My husby was amazing.
Shocked, but happy and supportive. All the things you hope for.
My in-laws have also been amazing.
They are obviously stressed out and worried for us, but they are great.
I am so lucky to have them.

Then this Wednesday, I started cramping/bleeding.
My OB sent me to the ER.

My heart is sinking....

They ran blood work and did an ultrasound.

My pregnancy hormone levels are right where they should be, and they estimated that I was just about 5 weeks, which is really too early to get an accurate US, but there is a concern that the pregnancy is ectopic, because they found a cyst on one of my ovaries, and it needs to be confirmed that it's JUST a cyst-- not an implantation site.

The way I understand it, my hormone levels should be doubling every 2 days over the next couple of weeks, so if it does, that's a great sign, and they will do another US at 7-8 weeks.

If my hormones stagnate or plummet, than the pregnancy is not viable and they will take surgical action from there.

I had my second blood draw on Friday.
I find out the results on Monday.

I'm trying to keep a calm and brave face, but I'm really scared.

Despite our external circumstances, I want this baby so badly.

All of those "obstacles" have been pushed aside. 
All that matters now is that this is a healthy, normal pregnancy.

I don't want a 3rd miscarriage or and ectopic pregnancy.
I don't want someone to tell me that my child isn't "viable."

I'm trying to take solace in the fact that from what I've researched, ectopic pregnancies are rare AND, other than Wednesday, there hasn't been anymore cramping or bleeding.

They have me on bed rest until things are figured out.

I just want to celebrate, but I'm so scared.
I don't want my heart to be broken again.

Your support, love, prayers, crossed fingers, etc. would be and are, so appreciated.
I definitely need them that's for sure.

I will update as I know more.
Meanwhile, I'm just trying to hold on to hope.

Much Love.