Starting Over?

When you start blogging/tweeting/etc., it takes awhile to get into a good rhythm, to figure it all out and set up your internet life....it took me forfuckingever.

And just as I felt like I was really hitting my stride, life intervened.

If you read this blog regularly (as I know all of you DO, of course, ahem.), then you know that this spring/summer for us was kinda shitastic...

I shut down for a while and hid from life.
I went through the motions of day-to-day routines, but I wasn't all there.

I stopped blogging, I stopped tweeting, I stopped reading, I stopped connecting.

The longer I did it, the more guilty I felt.

So like a child, I just hid even deeper under the bed.

I felt like I had let people down.

There are people that will read this and think:

For fuck's sake, lady. It's JUST the internet.

Not for me.

These "silly" social media outlets have become a community of friends, a place of accountability, a form of therapy, and a challenge of authenticity.

I do indeed have a real life and real friends, outside of my web-self, but real life and real friendships happen on the these digital fields as well, sometimes even more so, if that makes any sense.

So by not keeping up with this part of my life, by not contributing to it, and to the people who are in it, I feel like I have been a poor friend, and an irresponsible blogger.

I'm sorry. I really am.


Trying to come back is proving harder than I thought...
but I'm working on it.


Depression has been a big factor, but I gave in and upped my dose, and am feeling much better.

Although I recieved a letter today that my Medi-Cal will terminate on the 20th.
Sigh.
Always something....

Our miscarriage is still haunting me a bit, and every time I get my period I tear up, but the pain is beginning to ease in it's own way...

All you can do is look forward, right?
 
Life is settling in that with Huz's new job we can finally pay our bills, but crazy in that his hours and travel have put us on on a whole new schedule.

O is two now (can you believe it?!), and is a wild thing.
He keeps me running from sun up to sundown...literally. And then some.

Highlights?

He's decided that everything in the household should be spread out on every inch of the floor, that the refrigerator is good place to just sit and chill (pun intended), has finally escaped from the confines of his crib, and sees a diaper change as guerrilla warfare.

It's a party.

He's so cute though, it's unreal. And smart.
Daddy and I don't stand a CHANCE.

Huzzy's job is going well, and we are slowly cleaning up some of our financial debris.
I say slowly because money keeps finding a way to fly out of our asses...

This week?
A computer monitor meltdown and a tire blow out.
Oh, mmmhmm. Joy.

STILL, we're getting a regular paycheck, which is nothing to shake a stick at....

We're hoping to move out of the in-laws house in the next 6 months or so.
It's time.
It's BEEN time.

We'll see if we can pull it off.
We pretty much feel like this is a "Hell-or-High-Water" kind of situation.

Have I ever mentioned that Southern CA is disgustingly expensive?
Yeah, about that...
Ugggh.

I've really missed you all.
I've missed sharing in your lives.
I've missed all this community brings to mine.

Thank you.

I hope I find my place again.

Tantrumatized...

O is just about 16 months, but the Terrible Twos are in full swing over at my(ish) house....

Tantrum City!

I'd always sorta secretly hoped that through my sure-to-be-genius parenting, I would escape the screamy stalemates of tantrums.

Pssssh.
So foolish, I was....

O is a sweet boy.  But he is curious and stubborn and determined and smart.
He has got THINGS to DO.
Do not get in his way...
Do not thwart is path....

It will end badly.

Tears and arching and screams. Bloodcurdling screams.  ::Shiver::

I try to always be calm.  To explain the whys.
To acknowledge that he is upset and frustrated.
And that THAT  sucks...

BUT, Mommy and Daddy make the rules.
And sometimes the things he wants are off-limits (mostly because of safety/nutrition)...

It should totally be a peaceful exchange. Duh.

Except you cannot reason with a toddler.
He does not give two shits about safety or nutrition.
He has a world to explore and put in his mouth.
I am stagnating his journey of self-discovery.
And that, friends?


Is totally harshing his mellow.

Yesterday I was really stressed about this tantruming situation.

What if this becomes a habit?
What if he develops a behavioral issue?
Am I not doing enough as his Mama?
Am I too soft?
Am I too hard?
Is he going to end up on America's Most Wanted?

[They'll interview me about his victims as they flash all the pictures of his sweet little baby face....I can see it now.......Ahem.]

Perhaps, I spiraled a bit?

Anyway, later that evening after O went to bed my husband and I were talking about something and he brought up an issue that was absolutely going to fucking leadboot my plans....

I.was.LIVID.

I'm just trying to accomplish this simple g-ddamned thing and I'm being stopped at every turn!

WHYTHEFUCKCAN'TIJUSTDOTHISONETHING??? 

Frustrated, I commenced in raging to (not at) the husband about the injustice of it all and slamming shit around my desk...

After he fled, under the guise of cooking dinner, I raged on in my head and slammed some more shit....

Then the lightbulb went off:


Fuck.

The apple doesn't scream too loud from the tree....

O is totally his mother.
Including her temper.

He gets frustrated because he is constantly getting stopped from doing what he sees as necessary, AND he can't express himself on the issue-- other than to scream and cry.....

[Something I was pretty much doing last night]

My frustration at not being able to do what I see as necessary and my inability to express myself on the matter?


Totally harshes my mellow.


Sigh.

Sorry little man.  I feel your pain.  I really do.









But the toilet is still off-limits at the moment.  Mommy loves you.