Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Let's just call this Free Association, shall we?

Things on my mind: AKA things I-stress-about-and-drive-myself-nuts-with

Owen is 8 months and crawling. WOAH.

We still live with my in-laws. This August will be TWO years. WHAT?

We need health insurance, Like last year. Pre-existing conditions make that impossible/muy Arm and a Leggy. SUCK.

Chronic fatigue blows. You look fine, so people want you to BE fine, but you're not. REALLY.

Cerebral Palsy blows. I'm am SUPER lucky that (thru PT and massive surgery as a child)for the most part, I look fine/live normally but as previously stated, I'm not. SWEAR.

I will never drive a car. Yes, I probably could finagle my way into a Driver's License and behind the wheel, but it's not safe, so I ain't gonna, no matter how much protestation arises. EVER.

I think I'm going a little gray. I am devastated. PATHETIC.

My husband is an amazing man, and it breaks my heart to see him feel so defeated all the time. SIGH.

I'm growing super weary of always feeling "a day late and a dollar short," but I'm sooo grateful that at least it's only a dollar now. PROGRESS.

Should I feel guiltier for not going back to work? Given our financial sitch, I know people think I'm being a choosy beggar (and who likes those?), but I would be working just to pay for childcare, and I cannot fathom working just to leave O with strangers, just to come home and be too exhausted to spend any time with him. BOOO.

I want my libido to come back. I think my husband feels neglected. He used to feel a bit "overworked". TMI?

I worry that O will feel like he's missing out b/c his mommy is disabled. SOB.

Sallie Mae is well on its way to owning me for the rest of my life, for a degree I have never (in the professional sense) used. FAIL.

That degree is technically how I met my husband. An $80,000 husband. WIN? (yes.)

My new mantra (in efforts to be more positive) is: Be Positive, Be Patient, yet Be (realistically)Proactive. We'll see how it goes. SLOWLY.

Want to be a great wife, a great mother, and a great friend while still maintaining time for myself which makes me feel selfish, but hello? I know intellectually it's not, so I'm striving for that balance. POSSIBLE?

Should I be teaching O more? WE read and sing together, we listen to classical and classic punk? We talk to him and snuggle him all the time, but is that enough? Should he already be learning to read and know sign language and speak Latin, and have mastered the art of French cuisine? Have I doomed him to a life of mediocrity because he watches Sesame Street so I can fold laundry? NEUROSIS.

I could really go for some Yogurtland and a pedicure right about now. DREAMING.

Instead i have to go pick up and kiss my baby who just woke up from his nap. AWESOME!


Kat said...

We had a speaker at our moms group come and talk about kindergarten readiness, and I think I can at least ease your mind a bit on the should you be teaching him to read thing:

1. Reading depends a great deal on crawling...yup crawling. A strong neck leads to a good field of vision, no crawling or tummy time leads to kids who can't track words across a page. So bonus points for you already.

2. Motor skills at this point are far more important that "Your baby can read." (see above for one example). sure you can teach your baby to read, but WHY? Do they need to read? Will it make them sora ahead in school? Not really. By 3rd grade most kids are about at the same level, even if they didn't start reading until 1st grade or began when they were 2. Reading comprehension and the abilty to sound out words are different things all together.

3. Having a mommy that loves him, and talks to him, and lets him be a baby when he is a baby, toddler when he is a toddler, and kid when he is a kid is better than anything else out there.

Margaret said...

"I'm growing super weary of always feeling "a day late and a dollar short," but I'm sooo grateful that at least it's only a dollar now. PROGRESS."

I hear ya. We should coffee sometime, after my car's been smogged and I'm not terrified of driving anywhere other than work.