Eviction Notice.

For my gall bladder, that is.

I FINALLY saw the general surgeon yesterday morning and he said its gotta come OUT.

This makes me relieved and nervous at the same time.

I'll be glad to not have gall attacks anymore (I was in the ER AGAIN last Saturday), but surgery always is a little risky...

Will it be fine? I'm sure it will, but having O has made me a bit of a NervousNellie.

The surgery hasn't been scheduled, the surgeon has to get approval from Medi-Cal first. I hope it goes smoothly and speedily so this I can get this mess over with!

I still haven't gotten the results of the biopsies they did during my colonoscopy, so there's no updates on that yet.

[I did file a complaint, btw. Just a written one-I had no desire to get all sue-y about it, I just wanted to make sure it was documented so it hopefully won't happen to someone else]

I never heard from the Uro guy after that craptacular appointment, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to find another one and start that process all over again.
Yaaaaaaay.

But, while having the bladder of an incontinent octogenarian isn't exactly sexy, it ain't life-threatening, so I'm putting it on the back burner 'til the gallbladder/colon/stomach sitch is figured out.

Other than that,
I'm exhausted.
STRESSED.
Fighting off a bout of depression.

I lay awake at night wondering how we're going to weather all of this financially.

Weirdest of all, though?

I really want to have another baby.

I KNOW. I must really be going off the deep-end...

I think I'm just afraid we won't be able to try for another one before the option is taken away from me health-wise...?

I know that I am super-lucky to have one healthy baby, and I'm not trying to be greedy, but I know that the Hubs and I would be sad if we didn't at least try to have a sibling for O.

Anyhoo-in happier news:

O's FIRST BIRTHDAY party is on Saturday!

(I'm having a hard time accepting that he'll be 1 soon.)
I'm excited, but WORRIED. We had planned to have it in the backyard, but with the weather being all torrential, I don't think that's happening...and my IL's downstairs isn't exactly "kid-friendly."

I know O won't give a rip, but I just want it to be a special day.

Cross your fingers!

I'll post about the festivities next week!!!

You kinda never forget.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

So many people in my life have lost a child(ren), through miscarriage, SIDS, and stillbirth, and it's so important to remember those losses and honor those children.

I know that it's not a comfortable subject for a lot of people, but it's a real one that families (especially the mothers) deal with every day.

No matter what others may believe, no matter how early (or late) the loss was, to the mother, he/she was a baby.  

Their baby.

But because the people in their lives often want them to move on and (with the best intentions) forget, it is a pain that gets bottled up for fear of upsetting others.

If you know someone who has suffered this loss, send them some love.

If you've lost, my heart is with you.


My first child would have been born on March 9th, 2004
We said good bye at 12 weeks.

My second child would have been born on April 16th, 2007
We said good bye at 6 weeks.

They would have been six and a half and three and a half.

I never really got to know them, but I love and still miss them.

Every day.

Sometimes it's fleeting, and sometimes it's overwhelming.


My son has served as both a salve and a reminder.

A beautiful thing.

He cannot replace the children I lost (yet he fills my heart with so much joy and gratitude for his gorgeous little face), but he can remind me to never forget the miracles that they were.



In remembrance of those that have lost, please light a candle tonight at 7pm.

DUDE. That was.... so.not.okay.

Let's talk about this morning...

I'm not even going to get into the preparations that were required for this event.

[Let's just say that no one ever wants to pee outta their ass. It's just not sexy.]


So we arrived bright and early to the hospital at 8am this morning.

I was hungry and exhausted.

I get in there and they start the prep and the nurse informs me that not only are they scoping my "back door," they'll be scoping my throat...

I was not aware of this.

After a brief panic, I quieted my flight response by reminding myself of the heavy sedation.

Everyone I know that has had a colonoscopy said that they felt nothing and remembered even less.

It was going to be all anesthesia and roses!

Well, my friends:

It was FUCKING NOT.

I felt EVERYTHING and remembered EVERYTHING.


I kept trying to tell them that something was not right as I cried out in pain, but they kept reassuring me that I had been given plenty of sedation, and any more would be dangerous.

[I honestly don't know if they just didn't give me enough, or if my drip just wasn't effective-I can't tell you what the hell happened, but I was not sedated properly.]

So trying not to sob*, I got through the rest.

When I asked if they were already done with the throat portion, the nurse cheerfully replied:

"See, Honey? You were sedated, you don't even remember that we did it."


Oh, I remembered, lady. It was just quicker than I thought, and I was afraid there might be more.


By the end, as the fear subsided, I was pissed.

When they read the after-care instructions to me and the Hubs before the procedure, we were told that I would be so out of it that I wouldn't even be able to dress myself, and we need help getting up/going to the bathroom for the REST of the DAY.


Out of it, you say? I think NOT.

IMMEDIATELY after the procedure, I slammed back two cups of apple juice, dressed MYSELF, gathered up my discharge papers and got the hell outta dodge.

I came home, ate some lunch, chatted with our baby sitter, changed my clothes and cuddled with my son.

I was as coherent as my intestines are long.

Asshats.


I don't know if I should file a complaint. I don't want to be *that* lady, but it was kinda horrifying.


I've been ill at ease all day.

I took some pain pills, and took a long nap, hoping I would wake up feeling better about the whole thing, but I'm still just as upset.


I am being overly dramatic?


I won't have any news about the outcome of the colonoscopy/throat scope until the results of the biopsies come back some time next week.


I'll keep y'all in the loop as I get more info.














*During my 2003 sexual assault, I was entered anally repeatedly, so I don't like anything being forced up my butt, medically necessary or not. Anything of that nature brings back things I'd rather not remember.

You want to put What WHERE? And you want me to PAY you?

Latest on Gall-Gate '10:


So I have to have a colonoscopy....
(yeah, you want to be me, fo sho')

I'm not afraid, I'm just pissed.

It's undignified that I should have to pay $2000.00 for someone to shove a tuby camera up my ass.

You know what we really send me into oblivion? If I go thru all of this nonsense and they don't find a thing.

Not that I want something to be hideously wrong, but COME ON NOW.

They best find something....

At least the Gastro specialist was nice.

The Urology specialist was an asshat.

He wouldn't even listen to me. He was INSISTENT that my issues were because I was so "severely overweight" and because I didn't do enough Kegels.

When I pointed out that neither my OBGYN nor my PCP felt that weight was an issue, and both felt that I had bladder damage due to various occurrences, Mr. Pee King kept telling me to stop eating junk food and to make an effort to exercise...something I OBVIOUSLY wasn't doing.

Now, I'm not one to use the ..."But I'm big-boned" excuse. I know that I need to lose weight. But I'm not a rabid junk foodie who lays around all day, bathing in trans-fats. I am, however, someone who eats pretty damn healthily but put on a lot of weight due to trauma, being ill, taking different meds, and my metabolism shuddering to a stop...

And not to play the "placard card," but I have Cerebral Palsy and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

It's not like I can take a 5 mile jog to my advanced spin class and then Bikram Yoga pose my ass home.

(It takes all my energy to take care of my son and our little household.)

As SUCH- the generalization angers me. I realize that the "good doctor" is looking at it from a health perspective, but he took it several steps beyond (At one point he actually said the word fat and then caught himself a bit late) to disrespectful.

I'm no wisp of a woman, but I'm not Mama Grape, either.

In short, I need to see another Uro guy.

When I followed up with my PCP, he was PISSED. That made me feel a little better. lol...

[What didn't make me feel better? The $200 cost of my visit.]

In terms of my gall bladder, I've had a few more small attacks, but I'm still waiting for an appointment with a general surgeon, so no new progress on that. Boo.


So for those keeping score, here's what we've learned so far-

Jack and Shit.

That jewel of knowledge has cost me $4200 as of now, and I haven't even gotten my lab bills yet.

Oh, I almost forgot...

I also have a chest infection. Woo.



I'm *this* close to losing it.

But with this face looking at me,



I do my best to keep on keepin' on. We've gotta catch a break at some point.



Right?


Guys.....?



Sigh.

Just when I think I can't stands no mo', my Husband puts on a "Sexy Bee" Costume.

Oh, yeah.

It was something to behold, my friends....

So here's how it all went down:

We went shopping today for O's bday party (which is going to be a Halloween-themed bash, and we're encouraging all guests to get their costume on!) to take our minds off the current shitstorm we find ourselves in, and we picked up all KINDS of CUTE in terms of decor items and we also snapped up the makings of our costumes.

We decided that no matter what was going on financially, it was important for us as a family to make sure that O's big day was special, and celebrated with panache!

BUT, All on the Cheeeeeap.

That took some creativity, as these things usually do-

Using Blind Melon as inspiration; I decided I would dress up as a Bee.

It seemed like a bright, cheerful (I thought it'd be a nice change of pace for me, Eh?) thing to be, and seemed like a relatively easy get-up to cobble together.

I was all set to go except for the keyest of my Bee ensemble-the wings and antennae, aka "deelyboppers" according to the Hubs...

This just would NOT do!

No way I wanted to be mistaken for some sort of Drag-Charlie Brown.

(Although...interesting idea....)


So we set off on a search for my missing links...

We thought this was going to be a cheap and easy mission and we were soon proved wrong.

Nothing, nowhere, No HOW, unless we wanted to spend a ridiculous amount.

We'd just about given up, when we spotted a Bee costume in CVS (of ALL places?!) on a mega clearance rack and decided to give it a looksie...

It came with a dress, tights, arm warmers, wings, and of COURSE, deelyboppers. Plus?

Uber-Cheap!

Two problems though:

1. It was a "Flirty Bee" [Read: SLUTTASTIC and totally innapropos for my son's 1st bday party]

2. It was made for a delicately-boned Malaysian boy

But Husband had a stroke of ::Genius::

We'd buy the costume and cannibalize it for parts!

Sweet!

So home we went, VICTORIOUS.

As we got home though, I started to feel that old familiar surge of panic....

"We spent too much"
"We should return everything"
"That was irresponsible"

And so forth.


I'm trying to keep this all to myself, and fighting the urge to start crying over the absurdity of our lives at the moment when as if on cue-

I look up to see my husband shimmying himself into the "SexBee" outfit.

Complete with wings, and you guessed it, DEELYBOPPERS.


I.peed.my.pants.

No joke. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

(I still can't believe he shoved himself into it...you could hear ripping as he moved...)


IT.WAS.GLORIOUS.

Tragically, he would not allow photographic evidence of any kind.

So just work the image out for yourself:

This Dude:




Parading around in this little number:
(Remember honey, you can find anything on the webnets)





Mmmmmmhmmm.



And whatever picture you've got crafted in your mind?





Can't even TOUCH the real deal.




Maaaaan. I love my Husband.


I don't know how I'd make it without him....(and O, obviously.)...

It's my party, and I'll whine if I want to.

Pity party, Table for 1?

Yep, that's me.

I hate that I'm sick. I hate that I feel so powerless. I spend nights wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to make our lives okay.

I feel constantly guilty.

Guilty that I'm not healthier.
Guilty that I came into our marriage with so much debt.
Guilty that my family (for the most part) is a bunch of nutjobs.
Guilty that I can't make our financial situation better.
Guilty because I'm so fucking tired all the time.
Guilty because I am not the perfect wife/mother I always wanted to be.

As I sat in bed crying the other night, my husband said:

"Stop blaming yourself for this. You've been through hell in life and that's gotta take its toll on a person. Think about all you've been given to deal with-None of this is your fault!"

Maybe I should think about it...

Let's reflect on that shall we? Get ready to Pity-Party it UP!

The Hit-List: They Just keep on Coming!
(no pun intended...okay, maybe a little.)

Born super-early w/ lots of complications

Diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy which meant a childhood filled with pain and surgery
-also? Bullies. Kids are vicious when you have a walker...and coke-bottle glasses. I was a hot mess.

A violently abusive mother who was also an emotional terrorist. Still is.

I've never known my biological father

A junkie stepfather who was, shall we say, "inappropriate" at times

A violent, unstable, poor household

Too much work and too many obligations starting at a young age
-practically raising myself and my younger siblings
-working since I was 14 to help support my family and later myself
-taking care of the madre. I was more her parent than she was mine

My mother has stolen thousands from me, stole my identity, and for several years, ruined my credit

Raped at both 18 and 22

Two miscarriages

Been hit by a car AND run over by one (2 separate occasions)

Years upon years of running myself into the ground, stress and overwork because I was desperate to break free from my familial cycle.
-I have this overwhelming need to always put on a brave face, to look "fine", to act "fine" and convince myself that everything is FINE and I can handle everything without worrying anyone because that's my job, so best keep my mouth shut and my self busy. No one likes a complainer.

Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at 23

I've struggled with severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember

I suffer from insomnia and migraines

When I do sleep, I have nightmares. Every.Night. Always have.

I live with chronic pain

I'm drowning in debt b/c of college, medical bills, ID theft, and life in a dismal economy

(Not a super-sunshiney list. Sorry folks!)

It's all of those things (and more) that make me feel like I must have been Hitler in a previous life....

[It is by no means the worst history, but it's fairly intense.]

To think that I may be even sicker, and have to go deeper into debt is almost too much for me at this point.*

I know people will say that I should be proud of myself for overcoming so much, or point out how all of this has just made me stronger, OR that I've built so much character through a life of adversity...

But with all due respect and at risk of being rude, character and strength can go take a fucking flying leap.

I'm exhausted. And terrified. I'd like the option to take the easy road now, please.

And before you point out that the hard road has led me to be blessed with a wonderful husband and son, I'm on it. It did indeed.

All I'm saying is that I would like to switch lanes now.

[I do want it known that I am extremely GRATEFUL for my Hubs, my son and my friends. Thank you for loving me-for keeping me afloat. You all are my heart.]

I don't freak out about this stuff for myself. It's for my little family.
I want my husband and my son to have the best life possible.

I want my son to have the life I never did. I want my husband** to have a partner, not a liability.

I'm terrified that I have fought and sacrificed and struggled for a future that is never going to come to fruition, and that my entire life is going to be one battle after another....and I've just dragged two more people into the fray.

Perhaps that is too negative of a view, but those are the feelings I am flooded with right now.

I just want some peace.***



Alllllright!

Well thanks for partying with me! I'm gonna go try and put my Big-Girl Panties on now, and resume dealing with life in a mature fashion.



















* Note: just in case anyone was worried, I'm not going to throw myself out the window or anything...I'm just having a rough day, er, week, er MONTH. But still! No need to worry!




** Extra Shout OUT to my hubs who knew ALLLL of this stuff and more whilst we were dating and still wanted to marry me anyway! I know, right? He's a catch.


*** Again, not in the funereal kind of way. Girlfriend just needs a Break!

Well, it's better than a poke in the eye with a stick...

I guess.

Here's the update on Gall-Gate 2010:

My ER bill came to $6000.00.

Yes, that's THOUSAND....

After being on the phone forEVER, and basically being told that I was S.O.L. (because my Hubs makes too much, GUFFAW.)as far as financial assistance goes, I found out that I at least qualify for Share-of-Cost Medi-Cal.

Basically, it means that on a monthly basis, I have a certain amount that I have to pay out of pocket if I seek any kind of medical care--My "Share of Cost". After I meet that amount, any other care I receive within that month is covered, as long as I see a doctor that is a Medi-Cal Provider. If a month goes by and I haven't sought any medical attention, than I owe nothing. I only pay for what I use.

Not too shabby, no?

Sure!

Except my SOC is $2000.00 a month.

$2000.00 a month is pretty much our entire monthly income.

So, yeah. FML, right?

RIGHT.

There's a the silver(ISH) lining:

Because I have the SOC plan in place, I only had to pay $2000 of the $6000 bill. Yaaaay!

BUT, because you have to pay your SOC within the month it was used, there was no option to make payments on the 2 Gs. It was all or nothing, baby.

We had to borrow from my ILs. I have no idea how we're gong to pay them back, because I have appts. to have consultations with the 3 specialists next month, and those will all be out of pocket. Chances are, if they agree with my PCP and schedule surgery, I won't be able to have surgery 'til November. We're still trying to recup after the trips to WV.

Where the HELL are we supposed to pull these funds from?

Hubs and I figure that by the end of it all (if we're lucky), we're going to be looking at $6-8000.00 spent, which is WAY better than it could be, but still enough to cripple me with anxiety.

We've been working so hard to financially stabilize, I feel like all of our work is slowly becoming undone.

I can't fathom how we're going to rebound from this. It's already breaking us financially.

Not to mention, O's bday is coming up, and there's the holidays.

Every Christmas is rough for us b/c Hub's company shuts down for a week during the holiday. It's unpaid.

So every Christmas, we sit at home, somewhat appreciative of the little "vaycay," but panicked over the lost income.


It's gonna be a Blue Christmas, kids.


I'm HOPING that I'll go see all of these specialists, they'll run their tests, and sum it up with:

You're fine!

If I'm being honest with myself, I know SOMETHING isn't fine.

I don't feel well, and haven't for quite some time.

We'll see what happens!

Wish me luck thru this process. I need it.

I'll keep y'all in the loop as much as I can!