Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A bunch of a lotta things. And then more.

Note: I started this blog yesterday

I try to keep these posts as cohesive as possible, so that I don't ramble like a lunatic, but there's a ton of thoughts and emotions swimming around in the ol' noodle today, So we'll see what happens...

Maybe I'll break this up into two posts. I'm not sure if I can tie everything together.

Anyway-

Life is so freaking unpredictable, fragile, unknown, what-have-you.

I sit here 7 months pregnant, so in love with my son it HURTS.

8 months ago, I was seriously trying to wrap my head around not having children entirely.

Craziness.

A girl I know (I guess I shouldn't say girl, she is only 4 or 5 years younger than me), just found out that she is pregnant, and has elected to have an abortion. This just absolutely breaks my heart. As liberal as I am, I do not believe in abortion. I don't support banning it either. Politically, that is all I will say.

This is personal to me, and my heart, but do I have the right to say what choices other women should make? No, probably not. That doesn't meant that I don't wish that they would make different ones.

This is technically my third pregnancy. The first one was as the result of a sexual assault. While a lot of people would have totally understood if I decided not to keep it, that was never an option for me. Unfortunately, at a little past 3 months, I miscarried. I was devastated. Years later, it still hurts. The next one, was mercifully lost early rather than later, at about 6-7 weeks, but again, I mourn for that child as well.

Even though they were not even close to term, to me, they were already mine.

There are those who make the distinction between an "embryo" and a "fetus".

I'm not saying that is right or wrong, but for me, there is no such line.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time, it was my baby, my child.

I cannot fathom letting any one of them go willfully. Everyday that my that my son grows, the more I am reminded of what I lost, what could have been, and how awe-inspiring this whole process is....

{It was at this point that I had to stop writing last night, because I just LOST IT}

Today:


She's scheduled to have the abortion today. My heart is just sick. I'm not judging her, I just feel so sorry for her. Disappointed that she feels like this is her only or best option.

It's terrifying, being pregnant and alone. There is the instinct to want to make it all go away, but it doesn't. Having never had an abortion, I can't really say that with any absolute authority, but every woman I know that has had one (and sadly, I've known several)has regretted it, and spent the rest of their lives being haunted by it.

I still carry a lot of guilt for the miscarriages, so I can't imagine what it's like to be on that other side.

I hope she changes her mind. Perhaps that is selfishness on my part, but I just can't help but think of all of the people in my life who a desperately trying to have children, and how many more families out there who are trying to adopt, and it just seems so needless.

But life is never simple is it?

She will do what she feels is the right thing, and it's not my call.

And I better just end it here. I'm getting all weepy again.

6 comments:

Kat said...

I am against abortion, I think, like you a baby is a baby is a baby. I feel so deeply for women who have abortions, because I know first hand the draw of feeling like you can wipe the slate clean and start over. The reality is though, you will always know what happened. You will walk in a mom and leave without a child. That breaks me heart to think about. I certainly do not condemn women for doing it, quite the opposite, my heart aches for them, and thier babies who were never given the chance to live.

he calls me wifey said...

Wow Courtney.

First of all, I am so sorry for the terrible experience you have gone through and I am so sorry for your losses. I have known so many who have miscarried and some who have aborted and the only thing I can say about that is I am positive that no one who has NOT been through something like that, has any clue what it is like. I don't know what it's like and I pray I'll never know, but you hit the nail on the head when you said "life is never simple".

I agree with your stance on abortion. I am neither pro-life nor pro-choice. I believe every circumstance is different, every life deserves a chance and every woman should have the right to decide what to do with her own body. Those are all contradictions, I know that, but my heart does not care. That's just where I stand.

I'm praying for you and your friend right now. <3

happyfunpants said...

I love that you're not judging and I love that you've been able to come to the decisions you have about your health and your body independent of what other people think.

Life isn't simple - and although I've never had to make the decision to abort or keep a baby, I know a person who did - and I believe that she made the best decision for her and her future. The dad was addicted to cocaine and was in and out of prison. He was abusive - verbally and physically. She used that moment as the defining thing to turn her life around. And she has.

I am so glad that you're enjoying all the moments that involve Owen...and I can't wait to continue reading all about it. :)

kristi said...

Geez, now I'm getting all weepy. I didn't know all of this had gone on in your life... I feel so bad and want to give you a big hug! I am inpsired by how you've matured and not let your unfortunate and unfair experiences dampen your spirit.

I can't even begin to say I know what you're going through (or have gone through), but you are doing great and will be a fantastic Mom.

Selena said...

I never regretted having an abortion. I was 13. I did not "walk in a mother" and I never felt like it was really a baby. It was still a blob of cells and without me it couldn't exist. I was a child and thought I was "in love" and even though I had learned in school about the boy parts and the girl parts, at 13 you just don't really believe that it's possible that it can happen to you.

I have a friend who got pregnant soon after and had her baby. And although that certainly made me think about what "could have been," hers was a life of welfare and dropping out and another baby a few years later and being emotionally still (even now) like a teenager rather than a 33 year old woman.

When I got pregnanty nearly more than 15 years later, abortion was no longer an option for me. I was old enough to know better and old enough to handle it.

I feel for those who feel pressured into it or choose to abort when they aren't completely sure it's what they want. But I will defend the fact that they have a choice because I know in my heart (and from personal experience) that sometimes it truly is what is best for everyone involved.

Jayne said...

Selena- I absolutely agree with you. I would never dare to say that I could make that choice for someone else. Choosing not to have an abortion was MY choice, and even though abortion is tragic to me, I understand that every circumstance must be weighed carefully, and sometimes? That is the only choice to be made.