Thursday, April 7, 2011

Children Need to be Lined Up Two by Two, Apparently.

As soon as you get married, people immediately start asking you about babies.
Someone asked us AT our wedding.
It's a lot of pressure.

When you finally (if you are lucky enough) HAVE your first child, people immediately start asking about siblings.
Also--A LOT of pressure.

I was at book club the other night and the "when-are-you-guys-having another-baby" topic came up again....

I  hate having this conversation.

If you read my blog often, you'll know that I MOST DEFINITELY want another child.

I worry about it a lot actually:

Will we be able to?
What about our money issues?
WHEN will we be able to?
What about our living situation?
What if it takes years?
How far apart will the kids grow up?

I am definitely feeling the burn of baby fever, but I hate having that conversation because of the explaining that goes with it....
Yes, we want to have another baby but we have to wait until X-Y-Z....

Not so bad, except that people are starting to say things like:
Well, you don't want to wait TOO long, and/or it's not good for kids to be too far apart...

That's the LAST thing I need to hear.
  I ALREADY stay awake at night with those thoughts all by my damn neurotic self!

Reinforcement of those fears is unnecessary.

The sad thing is?

I know I've done it! 

Asked couples about babies....
Asked them about sibling-type babies....
Encouraged more babies....

I just LOVE children.
As do most of the women I know.

The creation of a new life, the building of a family?

But it's never as simple as you wish it could be.

I am so incredibly lucky to have my son.
He is a gift of massive proportions.
 So I feel guilty sometimes when I find myself wishing so fervently for another child.

Especially when I know women desperately trying to conceive at ALL, let alone, AGAIN...

On the other hand though, I get angry when I'm made to feel guilty for wanting another child because I don't meet the "right" criteria that somehow would ALLOW me to have another child.


Bottom line?
I want to have another child.
I desperately want O to have a sibling, a playmate.
One that is his age.

I have no idea when/if that will happen, but in the meantime I will enjoy every minute with the one child I have and continue to wish....

For myself and all the other women out there wishing for a little baby dust to be sprinkled their way.

With extra handfuls for those who are still waiting for it to FINALLY be their turn.

Life is never as simple as we hope it would be.....

If you get a chance--
please visit my friend over at Hasta Claridad.
She's written a piece that so beautifully and painfully captures the feelings you struggle with when trying to have a child, and you wonder if you ever will.

I knew that feeling well, as I'm sure some of you do/have too.
Stop by and give her some love. Encourage her journey and applaud her honesty.


Danna said...

This is such an amazing post. I remember after having my first, we got those questions for YEARS! It was so frustrating and painful too. Looking back, I remember asking others those same questions without even thinking that is could be painful for the other person. This is such a thought provoking post!

Amy said...

Trying is hard. Not knowing is hard. I am so right there right now. In the end we're all just going in blind, praying it works out.

he calls me wifey said...

Giiiiiiiiiirl, we get asked that all the time. I either tell people "Ohhhh noooooo" in an exaggerated way to make them realize I don't want kids now or ever (even though I do eventually), that usually shuts them up


I just say, "We can't afford it." HA HA, that shuts them up too.

I think that as far as people trying to tell you how, when, and why you should conceive is completely crossing boundaries. You can do it or not do it however you damn well please.

But then you have to be nice to people, of course and that gets tricky ;)

I bet if you just said, "Oh we're tryyyyying" in a way that makes it sound like you're having a hard time conceiving then they'll shut up.

Or it might backfire and get them on a tangent about how to conceive.

Ahhhhhhh there's no way out of this!


livingsj77 said...

Ahhh...the baby train. I think every woman has or will at some point be in this craziness and it sucks.

We got pregnant so easily with Ainsley. Then we decided we wanted another baby, and bam I was pregnant again. Perfect, Ainsley and new baby (which I was sure was a girl) would be less than 2.5 years apart. I could dress them in matching dresses at Easter and Christmas. They would be sisters and the best of friends. Then miscarriage...I was devastated. Aside from the loss of this child, I had lost this dream of mine. It took 5 months to get pregnant again...5 agonizing, excruciating, frustrating months. Every time that negative pregnancy test popped up, my dream got further and further away and I got angry and upset and cried all the time. And then it was a my dream was totally out the window and these children would be almost 3 years apart. Ruined! My plan was ruined.


I wouldn't trade it for the world. Somehow, my children are perfect in every way. And now I'm thinking about a third...definitely starting to get that fever. And I'm really going to try and NOT make myself crazy like last time. My story is not written yet and it doesn't have to be.

So the point of my very long winded comment is this...try to hang in there. I know it's nearly impossible not to obsess over it every single moment of every single day...but it will work out and your family will end up exactly as it's supposed to.

Kacie said...

i get this all the time.
i got it today.
no lie.

we had people betting when we were engaged how fast we'd be pregnant..
(most thought it would be a honeymoon baby) and here we are.. about to celebrate our 2nd year anniversary sans babies and the "baby discussion" is getting hotter and more frequent.

its frustrating because i WANT a baby.

of course that's frustrating.

but because of X Y & Z we can't yet.

so i totally. understand. <3

MamaRobinJ said...

I know this too. I wanted to have a 2nd earlier, but we haven't been ready. I still want one, and soon, but I'm not quite ready. Hopefully we can try in the summer.

Peace and love while you wait ;)

Thanks for linking up with me!

Leighann said...

I get asked this question a lot too and my daughter is just turning a year. I used to answer no because I was in the depths of PPD and didn't think I could handle another. Now I'm starting to consider another one day but I'm not comfortable discussing all the details with every person who has an opinion.
And everyone has an opinion.

Jayne said...

Danna-Thank you! It's been on my mind for awhile, so it was nice to get it out, and to know that others relate.


ABH-There really is NO WAY OUT! haha!

Jaime-Thank you. That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!

Kacie-It's such a frustrating balance of being responsible and taking a leap of faith...

Robin-Thank you for having me! I wish you luck as you go thru your journey as well! xoxo

Leighann-Not only does everyone have ans opinion, but they expect you to heed it poste haste! Sigh.

WhisperingWriter said...

Great post.

*Sprinkles baby dust around*

Jayne said...

Thanks Amber! On both counts!