Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I Could have been...No, I AM.

Mother's Day has always been tough for me....

As a kid, I always hoped that Mother's day would be the day that my mom would see how much I loved her, and then she would like me.

Sometimes, briefly, I seemed to be successful, but it never lasted.

It was never enough.

As soon as I came of the age where I saw children in my future, Mother's Day was filled with anticipation...
Someday, I will be a mother.
Someday, I will treasure mementos of my own.
Someday, my children will know I like them.

After my first miscarriage, Mother's Day was just a reminder of nightmares.

I never really talked about it, because it was something that for a long time, I didn't share...
 Alone in grief that even those closest to me didn't understand. 

In 2006, when I had another miscarriage, I lost hope.

I could have been a mother, but I never would be.

The following Mother's Days were filled with tears and feeling of uselessness.

A mother without children, that was me.


When I got pregnant with O, I was terrified.  At my first ultrasound, I was told that the pregnancy would probably not be viable.

Bereft didn't begin to cover it....

But I KNEW he was there.
We were going to have this baby.
I would not lose another...
(as if I have that kind of control, but hormones make you cuhraaaazzzy)

Two weeks later, at a follow-up appt., he showed up as strong as could be!

Mother's Day 2009 was amazing.
My husband showered me with gifts and affection.
Friends sent notes...
My Mother's Days had finally began!

Then someone laughed at me and said:

You're not a Mother yet! Next year, you can celebrate Mother's Day!

An unintentionally cruel blow...
Not a mother? But I've waited so long!

I found myself thinking about that comment as I woke up this last Sunday to celebrate with my boys...


It found myself all unsettled by that comment once again.
Why should it EVEN MATTER now?



Wait a FUCKING MINUTE.

I was a Mother, thank you.

There was a child growing in my belly that I loved more than life itself.
I was that child's Mother.
I would learn to be a Parent, but was already a Mother.

Which made me realize that all of the years I had spent passing each M Day, mourning my miscarriages, saying:

I could have been a Mother...

I already was.

Each pregnancy, to me, was a child I lost.
Even though our time together was short,

There were children growing in my belly that I loved more than life itself.
I was each child's Mother.
I never got to be their parent, but I was already their Mother.

That has helped me.
Helped me to feel less weak and foolish in my grief.

It has made the Mother's Days with my son all the more meaningful.

I've had two Mother's Days with my beautiful son.
And six others, with the children I lost before that.

Those days matter.
I was a mother.
I am a Mother.

I hope all my fellow Mamas got the love, support and Respect they so deserved this Mother's Day.


My day was lovely.

My beautiful Bubu!

How CUTE is the Huz?

He said NAY! to smiling...

Happy-faced Mama.




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19 comments:

Amy said...

Oh this post is so lovely. So true. I get the "looks" and comments when I said this was my 3rd Mother's Day. My son did not suddenly pop into existence the day he was born. I'd carried him for 10 long hard months. I was his Mother the day he implanted. As I was my other 3 babies I never got to parent.

Cave Momma said...

Lovely post. And so true. How could anyone say you weren't a mother before this?? Enjoy it and milk it for everything you can. I'm still hoping for my do over.

Danna said...

Such a beautiful post! I am happy to hear that you had such a wonderful Mother's Day! You are right, you were a mother before and you are a mother now. A wonderful Mama at that :)

Endellion said...

i've known you were a mother from the day i met you, being a mother has nothing to do with bearing children is has to do with whats in your heart and the love, care, protecting, and affection you have showered on those dearest to your heart is what has made you worthy of thirty mothers days

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Love this post! You are right, being a mother doesn't mean you have to pop one out. It's more than that, and you've articulated it beautifully.

jacqui said...

Loved the post and the photos! I'm glad you had a wonderful Mother's Day!

Teresa said...

Love this post, and the pics are great, too. You made a good point in your post...motherhood is definitely more than just "having a child."

Jenna said...

i too have felt like a mother since I lost my first child. I was 19. I was not recognized/didnt feel like I could celebrate it until my first child was born during my marriage 11 yrs ago.

I am so glad you poured your heart out today, and I love the pictures! Brave and lovely, mama. *HUG*

Shell said...

What a thoughtless comment! You were one then!

The Sweetest said...

So beautiful, This one really hit home for me. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past year, and it's hard to keep my hopes up. To not feel silly for *dwelling* on those miscarriages. Because for the weeks that I was pregnant, I was emotionally and physically connected to what was, what could have been. Thank you for a lovely post, Jayne. And congratulations on your darling little boy.

Tayarra said...

Good for you. You were and you are! Glad you had a good mother's day.

Grocery Dad said...

What great words! You are totally right as well.

Many many happy Mother's Days to you!

Stasha said...

Lovely post. Enjoy YOUR motherhood. YOUR life. YOUR happiness.

mom2kiddos said...

Enjoyed reading your post. You certainly do deserve mommyhood during those times you carried your babies!

Galit Breen said...

Happy Mother's Day!

This was a fabulous, revealing post. So strong and heart-ful.

Thank you for writing it and the age-old reminder t watch what we say. We never know someone's whole story.

hastaclaridad said...

*Muah* Preciosa. It was a dick comment of somebody to make. They were wrong. I am so happy for you and that you had a lovely mother's day. You deserve all the happiness and beauty in this world <3

Naomi Taylor said...

Love this post. "A mother without children"... that's been me my WHOLE life.

Rach (DonutsMama) said...

What a beautiful post! Last year Mother's Day was hard for me too b/c we had also suffered a loss. But little did I know that I was pregnant with my little girl. This past Mother's Day was great! Happy Mother's Day, Week, Year and Forever to you!

Jen Has A Pen said...

This post is so bittersweet. I'm struggling with infertility, so I always love to hear a success story. Although, I realize that even when you finally birth a healthy baby, the sting of the miscarriage(s) remains. Thank you for sharing this post.