Thursday, October 21, 2010

The "D" Word.

No, not Divorce.

(Calm down, Querido.)


Depression.

I am depressed. As much as it PAINS me to admit it, it's true.

Tuesday night, I woke up in the middle of the night to pee...You know, like ya do...

As I sat down to take care of business in the silent darkness of 2am, I just lost it.

I sat there sobbing like a child for a good 30 minutes, desperately trying to muffle myself so I wouldn't wake the Husband or the Boy.

Unfortunately, I DID wake my Hubs, who panicked and wanted to know what was wrong.

I couldn't answer...

Nothing? Something? Everything? ME?

We got back into bed and he held me while I cried some more.

As the tears subsided and his snores started, I realized that I was depressed.

(I know-I'm THAT quick)

SuperFuckingSadExhaustedAngryOverwhelmingly DEEEEpressed.

I mean, I've battled depression my whole life, so I know the signs, but I kept finding ways to tamp it down or skirt the issue...I don't have time to be down, G-ddamnit! I'm already Physically DOWN as it is.


But that's the funny thing about depression. It doesn't give a SHIT about what you want or have going on, it's going to take root anyway.

Sometimes I can fend it off, sometimes I can't.
And I don't like talking about it.

The subject makes people nervous, and they spout superficial platitudes at you in an effort to help, but instead just culminate in you feeling like an ungrateful asshole.

I loathe feeling this way.
I'm good during the day, as I have to be. I can put on that happy face.

But at night, after everyone goes to bed, not.so.much.


Even the Hubs is depressed.

We're a sad lot around here. No pun intended...HA!

We just have so much stacked against us, and we need help, but no help is coming.

Instead, we just get "shoulded" to death, with no practical applications (or resources) as for how to fulfill that list...

We're barely treading water, but if we were "responsible" we'd be doing more...





It's enough to drive a person crazy. Oh, Wait......

3 comments:

Cherry Tree Lane said...

thinking about you, my friend.

Happy Fun Pants said...

((hugs))

Endellion said...

it's sad to say that really this is what brought you and i together, no matter how good things get (read no matter how we try to close our eyes to everything but the good) we are always swimming in the mire trying to find dry land. I've come to accept if we deluded our selves into believing that we weren't where we are when we are there if we just shrugged at the shittyness that will always pop up and told our selves "well i have this this and this fuck that life is good" we would just be making it easier to be dragged down

you have every right to be depressed with what you have been going through lately
but don't stop swimming
cause i love you and i don't want to have to slap you


-heavenly